Pogonip and Playa Dust

love, evaporated

2009-09-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

Walked past the guy whom I used to love tonight. I say used to, because although my feelings are not gone, they are now realistic and without the longing that I had which was so very unhealthy. I loved a selfish, self-absorbed prick. And he continues to be so. I said hello, and he ignored me. He was talking to some guy on the street whom I'm assuming he was picking up. I say this because I walked past him twice within 10 minutes. The first time was to go to the store to pick up bread olives and cheese at Ferrari's as I often do after work. The second time was heading back home.

He talking to this 20 something on the street, and while the former love was dressed in his suit and backpack as if he was leaving work, the guy on the street was in tattered clothes. Probably a street urchin. It wouldn't be the first time he picked one up, and he's said that to me before. I guess I am better off, I'm much less likely to catch something from him since he's generally a bare backer. He was talking to the guy in the same place for that 10 minutes, and the snippet of conversation that I got was about what he did for a living so they probably had just met.

It still hurts though. But a lot less than it used to. God, I feel cheap for loving him. I hope he gets what he wants. Thankfully, my dignity and my self-respect aren't among those things. I get to keep them.

Closing doors

2009-08-29T19:52:00.000-07:00

The man I used to call my soul mate bantered around meeting up with me tonight through e-mail, after over a week of cancelling previous meetings. Tonight he emailed me after some afternoon thing he did, asking if I was milling about or if I had other plans.

It shows me what I know about love and relationships. I know nothing. I fear that I deserve this lot I have laid out before me. I have made many of the choices that have led to this point, including the choices of walking back into the fire where I knew I would be devalued and hung up on marrionette strings. Finally I'm getting it. Finally, I'm listening to people who tell me that what happened was unhealthy and unstable and that I need to stay out and far away.

I had this advice in my mind tonight. Coupled with feelings of rejection and feelings of him only wanting to play with my heart in cruel manipulative ways, I decided I needed to stop the momentum. I responded back to him tonight that I planned on milling about. I told him that I hoped that he had fun at his afternoon function, and wished him a good night.

I'm sure he'll take that as what it was meant. I'm saying I'm done. I'd like to say it in person, and I probably should have moved forward with meeting up with him so I could, but I'm just so tired of being treated like an afterthought. I don't deserve to be ancillary to anybodies life, and I don't want to be constantly in a state of confusion with him. I don't love him any more the way I should. I just feel hurt and used, and the love I have for him is only a memory of what was. All there is left is the memory of what I wanted and what I hoped. It has transformed from being about us, to about him, and now it's about me. I am no longer thinking of him and his needs anymore. I no longer feel compassionate or patient. I'm just tired and hurt, and all I think about is how interacting with him hurts me. It has become selfish, and I don't need to walk into something that has transformed so monstrously, neither for him or for me.

I don't respect him very much anymore, but I do respect him enough to do the right thing for both of us. He has me blocked from general communication, and I need to virtually block him from my sphere. Whereas I will not literally block his telephone number or e-mail, I realize that I need to take an extended break that will last an indeterminate period of time. I'm sure from my latest response, he will already have turned off and moved on. He seems to do that so easily with others, I'm sure I'm no different to him. Whereas this has broken my heart, and I'm still not sure what my next move will be other than simply moving back into survival mode, I have little doubt that he'll bounce back and for all intents and purposes, forget I ever existed.

I must come to realize that he doesn't love me. He is not my soul mate. He plays with my emotions. I let him. I need to transition that to past tense now.

Closing doors has never been easy for me. I'm always the last one to do it, and this example is not so far from that pattern. He closed the doors on me months ago, and I forcibly reopened them to find that I didn't like what I found inside. I felt dirty and cheap, and I felt ashamed. So now I'm just letting the inertia run its course. The door will close again, fast or slow. With a whisper or a slam. I don't know, but I do know that I don't need my stomach to hurt anymore. I don't need to feel blamed for all of the wrongs in our relationship. And I don't need to wait for somebody to make up his mind about me. I am not a waif who needs to prostrate at the feet of another. I am not worthless. I feel worthless around him, and he revels in it.

I'm done feeling that. I'm closing my e-mail for the night. I don't need to check it again for awhile.

Reacting

2009-08-28T18:56:00.000-07:00

As time continues to wax, I continue to feel like I'm growing more and more distant from soul mate. This past weekend, we had scheduled to meet up again, but he's rescheduled several times and our recent emails have left me feeling frustrated and defensive. A week after our previously scheduled rendezvous, he's still rescheduling.

He had emailed me asking if I could find him a deal with the rental car agency I just started working for, for a vacation that he's going to be going on soon. I emailed him back, letting him know that I can't make deals for him, I'm only allowed to utilize my discount for a registered domestic partner or spouse. So he emailed back (because I'm still not allowed to call him, and he's still blocked me from his phone) and wrote:

"How cheap of them! Don't they give you guys any discretion at all about giving people better rates or free upgrades or ANYTHING?! Heck, when I used to rent the woman could give me a discount just because I worked for the government. You can't work anything for me at all?"

I immediately felt defensive, because I hear this from customers who want more than they deserve and/or more than I can give them for various problems and/or want. I also starting feeling a bit used, because we don't have a relationship anymore where he can freely ask for favors. Hell, I can't even communicate with him through any format other than his choosing, for either time, venue or format, so to ask me to do personal favors for him seems, well, very selfish. This is especially true since I've been working at the place for less than a month, as he's well aware, and he understands the political ramifications of such requests. He's no dummy. So I wrote him back, writing honestly but curtly:

"You sound a bit like the customers who tell me that I don't know what I'm doing. Sadly my discretion is limited to the computer determinations. All discounts are taken on line, or through a manager. Sorry."

An hour later he responded,

"BOO! Well, I'll figure out something else...perhaps I'll visit friends in Paris/Provence instead of something State-side...should be a good time of the year for wine and strolls in the outdoors and no car necessary! Hmmmm....now I'm having ideas...hmmmm.... Let me know if you want to do breakfast tomorrow. I have something around 10:15 but could meet up downtown before that for a bite."

Which I know he knows hurt me deeply. He knows I really want to go back to France. He also knows that it's really a sore point with me from before we ended our relationship that I valued and am feeling a great loss with my employment because of the loss of vacations. He also knows that I had told him that I couldn't meet him on Saturday morning because work. This was also after the initial e-mail from him was about meeting up tonight (Friday) because our schedules otherwise didn't line up. So he basically cut the opportunity to meet up because he didn't get what he wanted from me, and he stuck a proverbial knife in my side while he was doing it. He could have kept his ruminations about his changing mind about vacation locations to himself, especially because of the sore point that it is. But he didn't.

By 5:30 I hadn't heard anything else from him about meeting up with him for the evening as he originally suggested, so I emailed him back a response. I tried to keep it upbeat because I may have over-reacted in my own head, and I wanted to lighten it back up just in case I was over the line somewhere.

"Haven't heard from you," I wrote, "so I'm heading home for the evening tonight. Hope that you have a great night!

Enjoy yourself where ever you go for vacation. I'm sure you'll have fun. Take care. Hugs."

It's 7:30 now and still nothing, so I guess there will be no meet up. As much as I'm disappointed, I'm also feeling dirty. I feel as if I were going to be used, but I stood up for myself which has led to rejection. It tells me a lot about him, and I know that my feelings of rejection are really for the best. I continue to need to distance myself from him. My friends tell me that I need to cut off contact with him all together. I'm sure his friends say the same, if he's honest with them about being in contact with me. Regardless of all of that, I'm feeling more hurt than ever. I realize all the more that I was just a tool for him, and now I'm feeling that just more deeply.

Perhaps I'm over-reacting, perhaps I'm not. Whatever it is though that I'm feeling, it hurts. I'm feeling empty. My jaw is clenched again. My interactions with him still give me anxiety, and the push-pull that continues is untenable. Again my rational and emotional sides are in agreement, yet still at war about how to react. I can not be his pawn, to use at his will. His concept of 'getting back to me" about his feelings for me are also unacceptable. I need to say no. I need to let go.

This is helping.

conflicted and distant

2009-08-23T20:22:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling conflicted about so many things. I thought I found someone who loved me for me, but realized that it wasn't the case. I thought I loved him back, but realized that without trust, there is no love.

I don't trust him, and I'm starting to seriously doubt my conceptualization of soul mates. Yes we have a lot in common, and yes we have some very deep values that are shared. However, beyond that, there is no trust.

I'm starting to realize that he is incredibly self-centered. He only thinks of himself and believes all external stimulus is about and a function of himself. He has no concern for other's feelings other than how they may judge him, and punishes and rejects anyone whom he feels does not agree with his values and beliefs. I'm currently being punished, and there is no empathy to my feelings.

As an example, for something simple, but meaningful to me, and which he knew, I talked to him about my birthday, the night that I threw myself at him. He stated simply that he thought of me on that day, but said nothing else. He had no concern about my feelings or how hurt I was, it didn't even seem as if he cared about how much I may have missed him on that day. How much I thought I needed to hear from him. Something. But I got nothing. Sure, I understand that he may be overwhelmed with his own things, but it appears that such is the case for him without relief. He will always be caught up in his own life without regard to the me anymore.

Another example is the episode where he turned around and walked away from me. I asked about that and he stated that he just didn't see me. When I disagreed (because I remember the look of panicked decision-making in his eyes about what he should do before he walked away), he scolded me for forcing the issue and changed the subject. Then the day before yesterday, he saw me just fine in the MUNI underground before I saw him, and he walked right up to me and kissed me before I even had a chance to look up.

Talk about boundary issues and mixed signals. Ugh. I'm so over being conflicted. My emotional self is frustrated, angry, lonely and feels a profound sense of loss. My rational self tells me that I am over-reacting emotionally, and while he is not good for me, I just need to calm down and step away. It tells me that I should tip my hat to him, and bid him adieu. I'm stuck in a quasi-land though. I want to be friends, but I no longer feel that I can accept a relationship with him because even though I love him immensely, what we are in is not a relationship. It is a formal arrangement of his boundaries and his control. I live in his world, and he's just pulling my strings. I've allowed myself to be a puppet, subject to his whims. I must cut them. I will cut them. I'm done dancing.

I've already said it hurts to much. It still does. I'm tired of hurting. I don't deserve to hurt like this. And whether he knows it or not, he's causing my pain. I'm letting him do that right now, but I don't have to. I can say no. I'm going to make it stop. I don't need to dance anymore. Love isn't hurting. Love isn't a punishment. And he's reveling in continuing to punish me for wrongs both real and imagined.

That's fine. I just need to accept that. I need to understand that he is what he is. I need to let go. He punishes others as much as he needs to punish himself. He punishes himself so markedly. He's now doing it to me.

I don't need to take it.

I don't deserve it. No matter what he thinks. I don't even have to try to read his mind to know his intent. He's already made it very clear.

rational/emotional see-saw

2009-08-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

Tonight soulmate and I went out to a movie. I really had been trying not to go to a movie because I really can't afford the entertainment, but in order to see him, it was really the only option. The only other option that he was willing to go for was another one he had suggested, and that was coming to my place to watch a film.

I don't really want him at my place. This is my sanctuary. It is the one of the few places in the city that doesn't remind me of him. And right now I need that. I need to be safe, to feel safe, and to feel independent.

We went to the movie, and I met him at the Muni exit on the Powell Street Station in front of the Ross store. I was running some last minute errands, so I arrived after he did. He immediately said hello and kissed me. I pulled back, because firstly I wasn't expecting it, and secondly, I'm not sure that is what I wanted. I did kiss him, but briefly and it was obvious I was uncomfortable.

There is a part of me who needs to let go, and there is a part of me that wants to just feel safe in his arms again. But I don't feel safe. I feel anxious. I was very honest about my feelings with him the entire time, for I am done with games and innuendo. I don't want to play guessing games anymore. I told him that I wasn't sure how to feel, what to say, what to do, or what to think. I wasn't sure how to act. I wanted to hold him and I wanted to protect myself. I was in my own head, and I felt a bit selfish for it.

However, I feel as if everything thus far just to spend the time with him has been on his turf. I had initiated, asking if we could go for a walk. He said that he didn't want to do that, because he didn't feel comfortable talking. So I offered something that didn't require money, but he thought the movie was best. When I continued to defer, he offered my place, but then it was my turn to say no (and I did it by deflecting). So we went to to the movie.

We went dutch, and it was to a movie he had already seen. I felt bad about that, but grateful that he allowed my choice. He touched me a lot while we where getting ready to sit down, putting his arm on my back and otherwise giving small gestures of affection. That confused me. When we sat down, I pulled down the arm rest between us, and he looked at me and told me that it wasn't necessary unless I wanted it. Then he gave me a look, which said that he would be hurt if I kept it down.

I leaned on the outside of the seat, rather than toward him and talked to him, engaging in random small talk as the pre-commercials showed before the previews. As we continued to wait for the movie to start, he asked why I was sitting on the other side of the chair, and I told him that I was uncomfortable. He asked me why, and I said that I'm still not sure what to act or do, and I then I had an emotional rush overcome my better judgement, and I asked him for a hug. He said that I could always get a hug, and hugged me very tightly. As he was hugging me, I realized that asking for the hug was not the best judgement because of my confusion, and I teared up quietly as I pulled away. I smiled and said thanks, and then quickly starting talking about something inane.

During the movie, he kept trying to hold my hand. I finally let him, and he put our hands on his leg. That lasted for a little while, and I retrieved my hand. And he grabbed my hand again. And I retrieved my hand after several minutes again. During the third time he grabbed my hand, he pulled me toward him and indicated that I should lean on him. I did and immediately teared up again. So I pretended I had to stretch, and pulled back to my own side. After a few minutes, he put his arm around me and pulled me to him again. This time I leaned into him and teared up again, and I sobbed silently has he held me tighter. He put both arms around me and held on tightly for at least a half an hour.

This only has me more confused, because I don't know what I want now. I love him, but I don't trust him. I really don't. I am anxious when I think of him. I am anxious when I'm near him. I don't feel good about myself, only shame and fear. It only gets stronger with him, and I think I'm even beginning to feel moments of jealousy as he talked about looking at hot Asians who resembled one of the actors in the film. That is most certainly not the me who I know or with whom I'm comfortable. I don't know that person.

After the film, he stated that he'd walk me home. It wasn't a question, just a statement. I smiled, and talked about something else while I mulled over just how I was going to say no. As we were descending down the escalators, I told him that I would be happy to say goodbye on Castro, but then we'd go our own separate ways to home. He asked me why, and I said that I wasn't comfortable having him go to my place just yet. When we were again at a phone conversation level, when he had me no longer blocked from calling him, then he could walk me home. He said I knew where he lived and that it wasn't fair. I said that thus far, much of the past three months have been on his terms, and that this is one of mine. He asked me if it was a big secret where I lived, and I looked at him, and said matter of factly that yes, it was.

By that time we had made it to the muni entrance on the street and he looked at me and told me that he was going to take a taxi home. I, surprised, asked why. He said that it's difficult to get a taxi on Castro, he's lazy and doesn't want to walk up the hill, and that it'd be weird to go that far together just to separate there. I think he was counting on my acquiescing and letting him walk me to my place. I didn't however, and said that I was hoping to talk with him more, but I understood and I said goodbye. He looked surprised and said, "Okay, Bye". I smiled wanly, and said that I hoped to see him again. He said that it was all depended on me, and I nodded, said bye, and turned around and started walking down the stairs. I heard him say good bye sadly and so I turned around and he was waving with a forced smile on his face. I waved back and turned around and continued walking.

By the time I got home, I had a short email from him that said that it was good to see me again, hoped that I enjoyed the movie, and that he hoped I was able to relax a bit. And that was it.

I don't plan on answering it right away. I'm too confused, sad, and tired to deal with it right now. I don't want to play any games. I don't want to play at all. My heart hurts, and I know it's going to have to hurt. It's going to have to hurt really bad for a long time. For better or worse, I have to regain my self-esteem with respect to him if I'm ever going to move forward with him, either in friendship or more. And I can't do more until he respects me as much as I need to respect myself.

Ripping my own heart

2009-08-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel a bit distant from soulmate. He continues to ensure that all attempts at contact are on his terms and his terms alone. Any attempt at negotiations stalls communication and apparently makes it all the more difficult to see him. I'm starting to be convinced that perhaps one day we can be friends, but right now, I'm not even sure about that. I still have big dreams, I still dream of growing old with him in my life, but the dreams of him next to me are fading.

Life will always be on his terms. He's not interested in my life or my direction. He's only interested in me so much as how I fit into his world. I get it. I understand that, I used to be like that myself. However much I may understand it, I can't abide by it right now. We're not equals in his eyes. I'm just a commodity, an annoyance, a triviality.

He wants me to sit aside as he determines if he wants me to be in his life, and he wants me to jump through hoops as punishment for what I've done, and to test if I am pliable. I wanted to do that, but I fear that if I begin, it will never end. The test will never be over, and I will never be good enough because I disappointed him so much the first time. And I too was disappointed, hurt and betrayed... and I have to determine whether or not I can trust him again myself. I'm beginning to realize that at this time I may not be ready. I may have forced a conversation, but I may not be ready to pursue what it was I wanted.

Perhaps I should have left well enough alone. However, I do have to say that I am happy for the closure and the time, three hours that it may only have been, but they were an important three hours. I was able to tell him that I loved him. I was able to cry and hold him. He kissed me, and I felt the warmth of him again. And that may have been all I needed, to compensate for the fight that we had ended everything on before.

I'm considering, but have not made up my mind yet. I may want to just say that I too am at a point where I realize that I don't know what I want. Just as he said that he may not want me and he is not ready for me to be in his life, I may not be ready to have him as well. I don't need to feel constantly guilty, to walk on eggshells, and to permanently have my tail tucked between my legs. That is not respectful of myself, and ultimately, it is not respectful of any relationship. I am not property, I am not weak, and I am not willing to sacrifice my self-esteem in a way I had just prior to the end of our relationship. I have to have my confidence, and I already feel it slipping away. This is not good, but how much of this is me and my interpretation, and how much of it is intentional on his part, I haven't any clue. All I know is what I feel, and all I feel is all the more confused.

Whatever I do, I have to have the conversation in person, and I have to feel out the way it will flow. I can't make up my mind before meeting with him another time, and I can't meet with him on terms that are solely his own. We must compromise, come to a consensus, or otherwise agree. Really and truly agree. I can not just accept and give up. I did that already with him, and I will not do it again. I will not repeat the behavior that brought me to the brink of suicide. I will be proud of myself, but not be prideful. The difference is certainly something that I have to yet understand. I will, but it will take time, and let's face it. I have lots of time to figure this out. There is no rush for anything.

Stalking tactics and the feelings thereafter

2009-08-11T21:55:00.000-07:00

The day has come, and I forced a conversation with soulmate by waiting in front of his house until he came home.

And we talked on the street for three hours.

I have hope. He says he loves me and I believe him. He says he needs time and it hurts. He says he needs me to make the next several moves to know if I'm the right one to be in his life.

I just have this feeling that he didn't seem terribly interested in me, even as he said he loved me.

I've thrown myself at him. I even said so out loud. And he was mostly silent, talking mostly in assent as I blamed myself for all that has happened between us.

I'm more confused than ever. Do I really want this? Can I really live with this guilt? Does he really think that it's so one sided?

I really felt a dirth of compassion from him. I felt dirty.

Tomorrow is just any other day

2009-08-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

And I have to remember that. Tonight I've kept myself busy and distracted by building furniture. I worked until the neighbor/landlord banged on the ceiling from below. Then I started cleaning. Now I have to get to bed.

My stomach hurts.

I don't think I'm going hear from him tomorrow or ever.

My heart hurts.

I'm going to go take something to let me sleep.

Benchmark nigh

2009-08-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

The day for the supposed ability to re-establish communication with Soulmate draws nigh, and I'm experience more and more intense feelings of anxiety. I'm dreaming of the day, the day after, two days after. I'm dreaming of the interaction or the lack thereof. I'm anticipating full rejection and silence, and I hurt. My heart hurts just thinking about all the ways that I either won't hear from him or the ways that I might, and how those ways will blow up in my face.

I want to be with him, for sure. However, I have no idea what he wants, and his continued silence (and episodes of silence during our random encounter) have only bred fear and loss in my head. I hold on because I have faith, I hold on without any rational evidence, I hold on because I love. After the 11th of August passes, and if I do not hear from him, I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. Do I attempt to contact him after a couple of days? Do I attempt to contact him immediately? Will I seem wanton and needy? Do I really care? Will I appear desperate? Should I try? If my seeing him reset the clock, should I wait and try later?

My answers to all of these questions is potentially, yes. I may seem all of the above. I should try the actions above. The only question that may not truly have a yes answer is the last one - should I wait. That answer is, in my mind, a probable no. I am the one to want this to work, and if I am rejected, then I will know I will have to close that chapter of my life. I refuse to consider closing it now becuase I do feel so strongly.

I have to analyze how I feel, because it doesn't seem rational. He never really took care of me. He talked about it all the time, but it never really happened. I don't think that he'll "take care of me" in the future. I don't want him to, I just want to be near him and be his equal, his partner. We both really breached the trust of each other, and beginning with the transition, had fully destroyed it between to the two of us. He lied and lied, both of us deceived. I hit him. He threw me out on the street. He accused me of cheating in San Francisco, I wasn't. Why do I want to go back? Because there was something there beyond all the frustrations, beyond all the accusations. There was a connection that really does run deep, and he understands me more than all others have ever done so before. I just didn't let him all the way in, and he was suspicious of just how deep the well was within me. I never fully opened up, and partially because of that, and partically because of his own insecurities and barriers, neither did he.

Most outsiders from both angles probably look at this and wonder what the hell was going on. I know his friends do, and some of mine do as well. No one truely understands what I'm feeling. He may, he may not. And he is the only one who matters. Only time will tell. My emotions reign, and love is never rational. I still have the memories of feeling safe. I still have the memories of feeling happier than I have ever been. I still have the memories of wanting to make him so happy. I still remember the times and the feelings that made me want to be a better person so that I could make him proud. I still want to make him proud. It kills me to think that he is ashamed of me, who I am, and what I am doing. I want to take care of him, I want to hold him. I want to see his face, to watch him sleep, to listen to him breathe. I want to be so close to him. He is so beautiful to me, and I have become so ugly to him.

I am so sorry. I just want to tell him I love him. I want him to hear how much I mean it. I hope I can tell him, and I hope we can grow together. I hope I can tell him, even if he doesn't want to move forward with me. I suppose I'm just being selfish. I just hope I can talk with him again. My rational mind and my emotional mind have melded at this place, this point with him. I haven't let go, and I don't want to. I'm lining myself up in front of the firing squad willingly, and I will continue to endure whatever consequences there may be. I accept this future, be whatever it may.

I miss him so much, and there are two more days to go before I can make, break, or consider anything.

Abandoned rooms

2009-08-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

After learning my lesson about what it means to ignore others, I responded back to both my ex-husband and my other ex who is now in France. My ex-husband had wanted to initiate more conversation, through text, mostly along the lines of how he hopes we can re-establish intermittant communication, that he understands that we'll never have an intimate relationship again, and how even if I had wanted such a thing, he no longer deems me worthy of being a partner.

Well, I'm glad that was clear. And that we're on the same page. Don't want any misunderstanding there.

I texted back, telling him that things are what they are, and as unfortunate as it seems, our relationship had evolved as it had and our distance is just a part of that evolution. I wished him well, and was going to leave it at that. He texted back though, wanting to talk, and hoping to reestablish contact. So I responded, explaining that I wasn't ready or in a place to talk with him at length, and the reason why I responded in the first place was because I realized how disrespectful my silence has been over the years. He responded, misunderstanding the issue as him finding out about the original blog - and I didn't correct him. It doesn't matter after all these years. I know what's wrong, and explaining it, especially to him belabors the point. So I told him simply that what is done is done, and different paths had been taken. Then I wished him well again. He did the same, but slipped in a sexual reference, and I didn't respond back.

I understand that I am the one who responded to his inital text message, but I came to a point where I believed it was the best thing to do. It was because I do understand now that ignoring him was disrespectful. I also wanted to be clear about my position and intentions, and I didn't want any misperceptions.

I don't feel ready to talk to him. I was really hurt in our last encounter, and I still haven't forgiven him for what happened. I may never forgive him. I may let it go. For right now though, I just can't forget the feeling of violation, so things are where they are.

As for my ex who is now in France, I've heard nothing since my non-committal response. I had texted back that I was surprised to hear from him especially due to the fact of our last encounter, and I hoped that he was happy and well. I had just left it at that though, no questions, no encouragement, no discouragement. And silence was the return. That's just fine. It's what I expected, and what I'm really ready for right now. I also still feel much hurt from that relationship, and rekindling any conversation would just refuel and fan the hurt more. Silence, on both of our sides, is best. I appreciate that he did reach out, just as I appreciate that my ex-husband reached out. However, due to my own stagnation, relative lack of growth, healthy need for distance, or just the general need to move on from the past, we've all acknowleged one another - and the doors were gently closed again.

I think both actions were for the best. Sure, I feel insanely lonely right now, and I'm still nursing the rejection of Soulmate (and in a much smaller way, my ex in France). I don't need to prop open doors that have such stale air right now. I called in, asked if everyone was all right, then gently closed them again. Perhaps when the muggy feelings of life and relationships calm down again and I feel stable will I be able to air the old rooms out. That time is not now.

Maybe someday, but not now.

Birthday Ghosts

2009-08-01T18:49:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday, and unlike the birthdays of the past three years, I received both e-mails and text messages from both of my significant ex's. In the past, I felt I needed to keep a wide berth from them because of the pain and the general feeling that I needed to make sure that I stayed distant from them so as to ensure that I didn't reignite any feelings or further draw out any pangs. In the past I would have ignored their overtures through these impersonal mediums because I was hurt.

(Hmm, do I see an analogy with my interaction with soul mate a week ago? Perhaps I should reassess my interpretations. Or perhaps, for my own sanity, I should not.)

However today I was feeling a bit more sentimental. I was surprised, but touched that both of them sent me messages. Especially so given the last interaction I had with my second ex. He had sent an e-mail some 6 months or so ago that was less then friendly, and to get this e-mail and text message from him today stating that he wanted to catch up on what had been happening in my life as well as share what was going on in his life was disconcerting, but simultaneously welcome. I guess I secretly want to have some kind of connection with him. We had spent 5 and a half years together, and suddenly having him disappear from my life is something that I'm still not fully recovered from. (To most who know me, this is obvious.) So I e-mailed him back, and I was cautious, writing that I was surprised to hear from him and that I hoped he was well and happy. I didn't make any attempt to ask questions or invite further conversation. I do want to ultimately create a friendship someday, but I realize that I'm not ready for that yet. I didn't want to ignore him, but I didn't want to be too friendly either. I'm not in the place where I think that reconnecting is the right thing for me right now.

And when my ex-husband texted me, I was a little less surprised. He has sent various notes to me irregularly over these past 8 years since we ended our relationship. The last note however, was something along the lines of how Asian-Caucasian hybrids are more susceptible to mental illness. I wasn't too impressed by that particular correspondence. I also hadn't responded back to him since just after my break up with my ex of 5.5 years, because he had taken advantage of my drugged state to apparently have sex with me. Okay, rather unforgivable. And I haven't forgiven him, however I did decide to call him up and have a brief conversation with him letting him know that I was all right and thanking him for wishing me a happy birthday. I kept the conversation short, and I was a bit distant throughout it, being vague about what I was doing and where I was. However, I felt better for not ignoring him.

I've learned my lesson. Ghosts past they may be, but dead they are not.

Crossroads again

2009-07-31T17:13:00.000-07:00

My emotional self has been torn in half, and my rational self is not feeling too differently right now. As more and more time passes (has it only been a week?) since running into Soul Mate, my jumbled emotions are beginning to settle. They're settling in a place that I don't want to accept, but settling nonetheless in a place where I'm realizing that he no longer loves me, and if he does, he's strongly influenced by negative opinions of others. It hurts, and I don't want to think it, I don't want to believe it, but I'm beginning to accept these beliefs as the most probable ones.

I base this reluctant acceptance on one basic premise. I would never have treated someone I care about as dismissively as he acted with me. I have never ignored someone in such manner, and more importantly, I would never treated someone who I once loved, loved, or proclaim to love in such a way. At the receiving end, I can't help but feel total rejection, and even if it isn't what he intended, that is how I interpreted it.

I am at a crossroads yet again. There is a part of me now that wants to let go, to say good-bye, even if I never talk to him again. I can't be abandoned again. Not again. I know I've fixated on him, as I always do with men with whom I fall in love. In the past, I have accepted the pain and hoped for the best anyway. I would have still tried. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that this time.

I've turned down two important job opportunities because they weren't in the Bay Area and I didn't want to leave the area because of the possibility that things may work out between the two of us. However, this recent rejection makes me question my resolve to stay and be available. Is he worth it? Is my career worth a relationship with him? Is staying in San Francisco more than just this one issue, my need to be close to him, or is it something much more complicated? If staying here really is a single issue, than what does it say about me that I continue to give up everything, my future, my dreams, my needs, in order to just hang on to the hope that we may have a future together again?

And these questions are not just moot. I'm having to consider relocation again. It's just in the first stages at this point, but I've been offered an interview at CSU Channel Islands for a position in my field, and I know I have a very good chance of landing it because of my experience and background. If the position is offered, do I say no again, or should I actually relocate?

I need to stop deceiving myself about why I'm staying in San Francisco. I do want to be near Soul Mate. I have hope that despite our torrid past, there is a future. However that hope faded significantly after my last encounter with him. Faded so significantly that I'm now questioning my whole reason for staying in San Francisco.

I have a friend who loves me very much, but I do not return his feelings of love. I've known him for about a year now, and while we never actually dated, we did become sexually intimate when we met. He hoped for more, and I wanted to stay friends. He asked for more, and I said no. For a while late last year he needed to cut me out of his life to try to reassess his needs and feelings, and I understood and respected his needs. I wasn't hurt, though I did feel the loss of his friendship. It's just that I totally understood the uncertainty and unstable ground on which he felt he was standing. He needed space, and I needed boundaries.

When we had met, we instantly felt a connection, we both trusted each other, and that has led to some of the difficult times between us. I have been brutally honest with him, about how I do not requite his feelings, about how I am often puzzled by his behavior, how he often mystifies me. It seems that he has been honest about his too, sharing his confusion, his attempts to find stability, his sadness about my exploration into other relationships though he expresses his desire to ensure that I am happy.

Through all of this, our friendship was finally stabilizing, and from my perspective, we both finally found a place where we both could accept what was and be friends. I talked to him about soul mate often, partially because I wanted to ensure the boundaries were well established, and partially because I did need his sage advice. He knows this, and I've been very honest about it with him. He mentioned today that he knows I think of him like a brother, but although he would like more, he is continuing to try to accept the limitations that I have put on our friendship. I can't explain exactly why I can't go further with him, but up through now I can't explain either why we are still friends. I know that often such tempestuous friendships dissolve because of the feelings and sense of inequality. Ours hasn't, and has actually become stronger because of this constant testing, both of us trust each other more now than before. Although my feelings towards him romantically haven't changed, I now consider him closer than family.

I write all of this because he offered me something last night. He offered to take care of me. He said that he knows I will never love him the way he wants me to love him, but it was time someone took care of me, after I took care of so many for so long. He offered me a room in his home in Los Angeles, to pay for my expenses and bills, and to pay for me to go back to school to get the credentialing I need to teach public school. I immediately told him no, of course, but he told me to really think about it. To actually process it before dismissing his offer. He said that the offer was not time dependant. He wasn't expecting me to accept it now, for he said he knows that I have many unresolved issues with Soul Mate. However, if I came to a place where I realized that San Francisco was not a place for me just for the time it took to restart my career, or otherwise get to a place where I could begin teaching again, his home was open without expectations. He said that I could take him up on the offer months from now, a year from now, or further.

He talked about just wanting to see me happy, wanting to see me in the career I want to be, wanting to see me volunteering again. He said he sees me dying right now, fading, losing myself without the parts that have always anchored me in the past. He mentioned various needs I recognize: my need to help people, to take care of a significant other, and to be in a fulfilling career. Without those parts, I begin to fail because I begin being self-destructive. So much of my energy is wrapped up in being co-dependant in order to focus my abilities and my identity, that once parts begin to slip, it all slips. I begin feeling like the monster I struggle so hard to deny, avoid, and atone for.

I have cursorily been offered a free ride before, by a man who wanted to keep me, to own me in my late teens. There was no way. I was again recently offered a free ride by Soul Mate, and I struggled against it, every step of the way because I needed to feel independent and strong - and then it was proven to be false when he threw me out and demanded all former agreements to be null and void. So this time, again I waiver. I have grown to trust my friend from LA, though. I loathe to admit it, but I do need to be taken care of right now. My whole world has fallen apart, everything I know is gone. I've made some terrible choices, and he and I have talked at length about how these very choices are the ones that have gotten me into the trouble that I am in now. I need to give up being strong for the moment. I need help.

But I still struggle. I can't just accept help from anybody, even close friend whom I trust. Ever since I was a very small child, help has come a great and often terrible cost. I fear such tolls, and I rightly often should. And although in the past I would have, and have dismissed any overtures of assistance, I am finding myself thinking, weighing, assessing, considering his proposal. He asked at a time when he knows I'm most vulnerable. I know this. I also know that it's the time when one should offer help. If I wasn't vulnerable and in need, there was be no reason to offer assistance. Also, right now with the emotional distress and, in truth, defeatism that I'm experiencing right now with my feelings about Soul Mate, there is a significant part of me that just wants to run.

A part of me wants to say to Soul Mate, "Fuck you for abandoning me when I needed you most. Fuck you for putting me in a place where I have little choice but to feel like crap. Fuck you for being such an asshole." Then another part of me realizes that I am just as much as an asshole, in various different ways. And yet another part of me reminds myself that I'm feeling angry and rejected, and all of my feelings are just a part of my anger, my fear, my hope, and my pride.

I need to get beyond all of this and I need to heal. I need to get to a place of self-sufficiency to do that though, and until I can get back on my feet, I will continue to feel upside down. The irony in this is that I may have to accept help to get to a place of self-sufficiency though. I can certainly do all of this on my own, I know this, I've gotten as far as I have by my own ambitions and hard work all on my own. But doing this alone will take a long time, and if I don't want to take the time and the hard road to get back on my feet, then I can actually accept help. I don't have to be prideful, and I don't have to allow myself to be held back by feelings for a person who does not love me.

I hate to admit it, and it still hurts so terribly to say it, to write it, to feel it, but soul mate probably does not love me. Holding on to him is destructive, and I've already been self-destructive enough as it is. I will wait until the initial time that he stated that it was going to be okay to talk to him, and even though I probably destroyed that time and pushed back the date when I stopped and hope to just say hello, I can only wait until then. If he is not receptive to communication by August 11 (and missing my birthday tomorrow is only more salt in my very open wounds), then I will say good-bye.

I am at a crossroads. I can continue on this road to nowhere, this path of ruin, or I can take that road less taken. I have begun by setting my sights on goals again, but now I can start making choices rather than just allowing myself to ride on inertia. I have some crossroads coming up. I need to make better choices. I have some to make. I will survive this. I will somehow come out of this. I can accept help. I can be strong. I can do both simultaneously.

And Again,

2009-07-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

I bumped into soul mate again this morning (why does it always have to happen in batches?), but this time I didn't stop even though he was alone. Granted I was just getting off the muni at Castro station, and he was just walking in to get on, but it was clear he saw me just as I saw him. I couldn't try to talk to him again after such a grand show of rejection last night. It was so very painful, that I can't put myself through that right away.

I wrote the letter. It will have to be my way of reaching out. Going up to him again just to be ignored would drive me over the edge. I can't do it.

I am weak.

I do remember however that this is not about me. I want to try, I want to grow. I want to flourish. This is about him protecting himself the way he knows how. It hurts me, and perhaps even him, and again, while it hurts, I understand. I have to understand. To not put myself in his shoes would be exceedingly selfish and "me"-centric. I can't be like that. I care about him too much. I want him to be happy even if that means that it's not with me. I get it.

It just hurts so much.

Taking the last ditch effort

2009-07-26T09:39:00.000-07:00

All last night, I wrote a letter to the guy who I feel is my soul mate. I still call him that because he is very much the man I love to me, the man who understands me in ways that no other has, but I also understand that he doesn't consider himself in any way related to me through any relationship means any more.

After bumping into him in such a painful way last night, I had nothing else to lose. It was my fault for being weak and stopping to try to have contact with him during this time, and his reaction was, although exceedingly hurtful and very painful to me, something that he felt he had to do. It wouldn't have been my choice of how to react if someone had done that to me, and it has happened several times thus far. I tend to be firm but nurturing, I couldn't give someone the cold shoulder because I feel the hurt that I would engender.

Last night I received the full cold shoulder. The hurt is unbearable. I don't think I can deal with this. I'm oscillating between full tears and despair. My high point is simple tears. Sad pathetic waste I am.

So I took a risk, I wrote him a long letter which I worked and reworked last night, trying to say exactly what I meant without being too pathetic. It may go to his kill filter, it may just simply be deleted. He may simply not care. But I had to write him and explain as throughouly as I could how much I love him and what my feelings for him are, from the past, in this moment, and into the future. I needed to share, and if more rejection comes from this vulnerability, I will have to accept that as well. I'm already hurting so much that more pain now is absorbable. To try to wait for two weeks or more to write him later would extend the pain further beyond my current limit of bearability. I'm beyond that point now.

I thought I felt alone the day before yesterday. I feel so much more alone now. More than I have ever felt in my life through now. For the first time I found someone who understood me and I didn't have to be afraid to tell who I was because I believed and understood I wouldn't be judged. Now I've lost him, and I can't ever take that risk again. It beyond just being alone, it's fearing never being accepted. It's fearing and realizing that I've lost him.

Rejection and despair

2009-07-26T00:51:00.000-07:00

I bumped into him tonight. I was heading down into the muni underground when I saw him. He was walking with his friend who ignores me, and I shouldn't have walked up to them. His back was to me, and I couldn't help but walk up to him. I saw him, and I stood a few feet away. I just wanted to say something. I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to tell me that everything was going to be okay. For me to just hold on a few more weeks. To tell me that he still loved me and for me to just stay strong. I looked at him and tears welled up in my eyes. He was laughing and joking, and then suddenly he saw me and looked startled.

His friend also saw me me at that moment and thought for a second, then asked if they should walk in some other direction and he agreed. They both turned and walked away from me. No words, no nothing. They just walked away.

I started crying.

I'm still crying. I can't help it. He wants nothing to do with me. He is completely done. And I am alone without him. I have nothing without him. I just feel like I want to die. I'm so very sad right now. I don't even want to go home, but I have nowhere to go. I have nowhere.

I can't stop crying. I'm a wreck. I'm crying on the train. I pulled out my computer, which will probably get it stolen, and I'm crying so hard as I write this. I miss him so much and he wouldn’t even talk to me. He wouldn't even look at me once he figured out who I was.

It hurts so much.

I hurt so much. I so need him and I've been completely rejected. I don't know what I'm going to do. This isn't worth it. Life isn't worth this. I can't keep hurting like this. He doesn't love me anymore. I realize it now. I was holding on because I was hoping he did. I was holding on because I need him. I was holding on because I had hope.

My hopes are gone now, evaporated in the moment that he turned away. There is just pain and loss in its place now. I feel such profound loss. I feel so alone without him. I don't care if I'm weak. I need him. I need him more than I've needed anybody. And now I have no hope to recover what I lost. I have no hope to gain him back. He made it clear, he does not want to have anything to do with me.

Sitting with ghosts

2009-07-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

I sat at one of the restaurants that soul mate and I had eaten at sometime ago. It's in the neighborhood of where I work, and soon to be, where I live. I thought it wouldn’t be that big of a deal to go thereto eat. The food is good, the people watching opportunities are amazing, and the central location is convenient. Those lucky enough to find a space to sit outside get to enjoy the beautiful weekend weather while dining street side. Today I was one of the lucky ones, with a freshly squeezed orange juice and eggs benedict in front of me.

It wasn't however, the wonderful experience I was hoping for today. It wasn't anything like I thought it would be really. Instead of focusing on the setting and the food, I found myself focusing on the ghosts. The memories of he and I in this restaurant are fresh and profound. He and I didn't often go there, but it was one of the last places that we had gone to breakfast together before we ended our relationship, and I can feel his presence even as I know I'm alone without him.

The sights, sounds and smells focused me on him throughout the entire meal. This particular spot bring up so many memories to the surface – all bright and fresh. Painful and haunting. My sense of loss was suddenly so palatable. I still feel it so immensely. A significant portion of me wanted to get up and run. I wanted to flee the feelings that surfaced in my head and my heart. It hurts so much to be separated. And here I was, sitting only a few tables from where he and I last sat.

But the lesson in this was to be able to acknowledge my feelings and to validate them, whilst simultaneously trying to understand and control my conflicting desires to avoid and over-react. I want to feel so badly so that I can prove to him and myself that I have emotions, that I do feel his presence in me deep into my core. He, and thoughts of him do bring me significant disequilibrium. However, I know that this doesn't have to be destructive or frightening. It can lead to growth, if I let it challenge me in a healthy and constructive way. It’s just at this moment, I realize that it can't really be constructive if I continue to focus on him when I should be focusing on my own healing and strength. It will only be healthy and constructive again if we were to try. Until then, I’m focusing on the past and an uncertain and improbably future.

Probability will only have the potentiality to become reality if we both are interested in trying to develop a future together. Without such acknowledgement, I'm hanging on to ghosts and imagination. I do not have a grip on reality in this space, and I will need to develop one soon. I know that this is not at all about him ultimately, but about me. I have to do a couple of things to make sure that I can get myself to a healthy space.

Firstly, I must be comfortable in the place where I am now. Not comfortable in the sense of not caring about growth or development, but comfortable in the direction I’m going in, the path I'm on. If I'm not comfortable on this path, I need to choose a new path. This is a continuing project, and one that I'm still working to achieve. I am working on it actively however, and I’m making some progress. I’m changing directions and paths as I continue to seek out the place in which I belong in this new space, this new venue, this new life of mine. The journey was started by several choices and, as I've said before, I did get what I expected or end up where I wanted, but the journey has been worth it all the same. I am a survivor and I will survive. I will succeed, even it I have to tear myself apart in the process.

Secondly, I have to accept where it is that I will find myself, for every next step. I will not always be happy with my direction. I will not always want to go where I'm headed. However, I will need to accept that I’m in the place and space where I am at any given moment, and from there, make the choices I need to make to take yet the next step. One can only step forward in any constructive and decisive way if one knows where he is in the first place. Without such knowledge, each future step is a step in the dark. Such blind momentum reaps unknown and uncertain destinations. That’s where I am now because I was moving forward blind and without a well established understanding of what I wanted from each choice. My choices where just as unfocused as my understanding of myself, and I ignored my ability to plan each step with focus in mind so that I could reach the places I wanted to be.

Thirdly, I have to really focus again on my goals so that I can reach them. So that I can find my way out of this place that I find so very unfulfilling. My aspirations do not have to be dead, nor do they have to have any significant shift away from where I was going before. I want to do good in this world, and make a difference. I still can if I continue to work at it. I don't have to be the cog who is just eking out an existence as I am now. Each step a pathway. Each path a part of what I need to do to get to the endpoint.

I just need to make sure that I'm planning ahead…

Hurting

2009-07-21T22:50:00.000-07:00

I've spent the past couple of days reliving some very overwhelming feelings that I was left with last November and October. After reviewing my own writings, my blog, my words... I have been reliving the nights when I felt most alone and afraid.

I stopped sleeping. I lie awake at night reliving my nightmare. I had no choices. I had to allow it or I'd get hurt. I got hurt anyway.

I wouldn't talk about it or write about it, I was so embarrassed. I was so afraid. I thought I could handle it.

I put on my game face and have more or less been able to hold on to that through this time when I've been most upside down in my life. I have tried to distance myself from all of this, from my feelings, from my fears. I've held it all in, and at some of the worst moments shared only to a select few after I began to break down. But then I pretended that none of it had happened. I've pulled all my feelings back in and I want to deal with it alone. I have to deal with it alone. I am alone.

I start to cry and then I stop. I shouldn't cry. It does me no good.

I know I shouldn't be so torn. I know I shouldn't blame myself. But I do. I got to a point where I lashed out myself, and I became the monster I fear. I am hurt someone I care about just as I was hurt. I hate myself.

I had my confidence stolen. I thought I had it back, at least about this, but I don't. Something in me still feels broken. I feel ashamed.

I need help dealing. When I need the most help, I've found myself alone to deal with my fears and my sadness. I can't do this alone. I don't know who to talk to. I can't just talk to anybody. I don't want to talk to anybody. I have to do this alone. It hurts too much to share.

Coincidences

2009-07-18T23:22:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've had to think of FM (especially after I moved). Tonight however, I was reviewing old entrys to the blog and many of the last entries from the last year were about him. Oddly enough a very close friend texted me a couple of minutes ago cursing and claiming Reno was a small town.

I called him up and asked what was wrong because it's very unlike him to be explicative, and he said he had just run into FM.

Huh... I'm not sure I needed to know that.

I've been upside down enough these past few months that I don't need a reminder of why I needed to leave Reno. My last encounters with FM were enough to cut all tendrils of love for him out of me. I'm more frightened of him than anything, and thank goodness I live far away now. I especially don't need to know what he's doing or when he's out. It's all the more painful because this week is just past the two year anniversary of when we started dating.

Ugh. What a disaster that was. It turned out horribly, and some people including my friend finally know what was really going on.

I really didn't need to hear anything about FM tonight, of all nights when I had just read about all my writings about the guy for the first time in 9 or so months. Going to give my friend a free pass though. He, (1.) never does this (at least he never has before), for he is generally not a gossiper, (2.) realizes how much this man had tore me up and hurt me, and (3.) is obviously currently drunk right now, and when he sobers up, will probably realize the faux pas and be regretful.

There is no point in making anybody else hurt as much as I.

Okay. I'm over it. Moving on and going to bed.

The Face of a Monster

2009-07-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

I am at a point where I'm accepting the fact that I'm going to be single for a long time, an indeterminate period of time, the time it takes to heal and find strength. These past few years have been really tough on me. I am further and further disallusioned by my own capabilities and offerings, and I have further become more frightened and distrustful because I feel overwhelmingly and consistently abandoned. I still have hopes and dreams, but they ain't going to happen any time soon. I don't think I'll be the guy who ever has the picket fences with a partner/husband by my side.

I understand that what happens is largely due to the decisions I make, and I keep finding that I continue to make poor choices. I change the choices, the circumstances and the setting, and I still find that I'm making poor decisions for myself. At this point, the choice I'm making is wallowing in my defeatism. I know that this is a pathetic and weak way out, but I just can't keep going on like this. I put too much of myself in other people. I obsess all too compulsively about all that is wrong with me and why I'm not good enough for the person whom I love instead of validating my perspective. I become too defensive and simultaneously lost. I am way too broken.

I don't want to go through this struggle anymore. It's too difficult. There are several parts to these feelings of defeatism contributing to my general state of being overwhelmed. Partially it's because I feel too fragile to deal with all the emotional stress and strain that I've been experiencing because of my indeterminate status with Soul Mate. Partially it's because of so many other previous experiences with relationships and dating within the past 5 years span (encompassing the time when the relationship with my ex tipped towards unhealthy). Partially it's because I'm still too insecure to take matters in my own hands and demand change, compromise, or conciliation, and I don't see myself as an equal, rather, I feel generally subordinate. Now this was not my soul mate's or anyone else's fault. This is my own failing. I love too much whilst simultaneously distrusting whom, why, and what I love.

What is that all about? It's about me falling in love with the mirror. Not myself, mind you, but those who remind me of my own shortcomings. I can't fix myself, so I become codependent and gravitate to others who I feel I can do a better job of taking care of, since I can't seem to take care of myself very well. It's interesting to dissect these patterns. I'm attracted to a particular type, physical type aside, I historically have fallen for people who are in some way haunted and needy themselves.

In a lot of ways, I realize that I'm attracted to men who have much the same demons as I. It's sadistically narcissistic, and overtly tragic. I know I'm innately a nurturer, and I have a healthy dose of co-dependency attached to my personality. I realize this, and I have been working on it for a long time, but my own insecurity and need to help others at my own expense (or so that I may forget my own concerns) creeps inexorably back, and it's often fully entrenched before I realize it.

Well, that's only partially true. I realize that it's happening as it's developing, I'm so caught up in the moment that I don't care - and I regret it later when I'm hurt all the more. It's not any one else's fault. It's not my Soul Mate's fault. It wasn't my ex's fault. This is undeniably me. This is my shortcoming manifested every time I emotionally connect. My own failing hurts me, and then it hurts others. This is the part that is unforgivable. I hurt others, and I hurt the most those whom I love the most.

I realize that I'm a monster.

That's the rub, I know better, but I allow myself to fall into this pattern of behavior. I allow myself to get close to people and then I hurt them. I need to stop allowing myself to get close, I can't hurt those with whom I do not connect. This is where I really need to find my strengths and develop better skills at being independent. It is my fear of being alone and it is my irrational desire to be needed that makes me seek to pair up, and pairing up is the brewing of disaster. It's not even about being more or less selfish, responsible, happy, caring, open, sensitive, etc... it's about me simply taking care of myself and respecting myself enough to be comfortable being alone so that I can't hurt those whom I love most. I can't allow myself to be psychologically driven by being needed. I can't allow myself to be driven by fear of being alone. I see that being alone is probably inevitable because of my own deep psychological scars.

It's really weird. I can't seem to take control of my own life and stand up for myself in my private life. What is it about me that caves in and desires personal relationships? I have to find that piece of me that is strong elsewhere, such as the strength I have and show in my professional life (when I'm working). There is obviously inner strength in me somewhere, and I just need to apply those skills to my private life. The problem is that I don't know what it is exactly I'm looking for, or why there is such a differential. It's so frustrating to see the dichotomy.

Perhaps I need to practice more in non-threatening situations. I could use a bit of role play to figure this out. Currently my friends (whom over the past five years I have held more and more at arms length) tell me that I'm making bad choices, but they give me precious little advice on how to make better choices. I've been ignoring their advice because I thought they were wrong. Now I see they are right, just not in the way that I think that most of them intended. I am making bad choices, not in the people I fall for, but in the fact that I'm allowing myself to be emotionally connected. Perhaps one day I will be ready for a relationship. That day is just now now. I need the confidence and the strength to love and to trust, and until I have both, I do not deserve anybody. I don't need to keep being the monster hurting those around me.

I do not need to continue to be the monster that hurt the man who I love so dearly now.

I am that monster. I did hurt him, deeply. I do not deserve him. I may never hear from him again. I am so very regretful. I love him so completely.

I need to find my own voice. My own strength. My own will. My own hope. I need to make different choices, different from all the choices I have made thusfar for myself. Only then perhaps will I be ready for love. I am not there yet. I don't have any of the pieces that I should have yet in my possession. Right now those qualities are ephemeral in me. I have no foundation. I must build one. I realize that now.

Untouchable

2009-07-17T21:22:00.000-07:00

One thing that soul mate told me many times in jest, in anger, and in frustration was that I could date anybody I wanted. Not that I could date others while we were in a relationship, but if I were single and willing, I'd find other people quickly. I felt that his statements diminished what I felt about him, and my low self-esteem also prevented me from really listening. It was just something that I didn't want to hear from him.

I still don't.

However, he was right. In the past month, I've been asked out five times. By all sorts of people that I'm meeting. And not in the let's go fuck sort of way, but the actual "Are you interested in dating". And it's not clicking because in my head I'm not single.

I've had to smile politely and apologize several times for not being available.

I'm not interested in any one. I have only one person on my mind. My heart bleeds for him.

And I'm not single. I want to try again, and I cling to the hope that we can. Pathetic I might be. I'll at least own that. Sure he may have moved on, and I'm still listening to echoes of feelings that no longer exist, but cling to the hope I do. Cling to the hope I will.

Walking amongst the ruins with Janus

2009-07-16T21:16:00.000-07:00

Getting all the feelings from the past several months off my chest is a double-edged sword. On one side, I'm able to process better by writing and really get down and assess what I'm going through and feeling right now in this moment (and every other moment). However, on the other side, it highlights how much my heart really hurts. I feel shattered. Devastated. And writing, although cathartic, opens the wounds further.

I know my feelings shouldn't be all this encompassing. However, my heart is broken and I do not feel the will to recover. I've mentioned while writing numerous times over the years that I only bond emotionally to one person at a time, and once bonded, breaking the bond is excruciatingly painful and difficult. I never truly let go. I'm still intertwined with the men that I've had relationships with, though now far and without contact, I still have feelings that will never go away. There have been three in my life that have filled unique niches in my life, and a fourth that came very close. The three are my ex-husband with whom I had a relationship of five years, my ex-partner with whom I had a relationship for five and a half years, and now the man whom I have no idea how our status exists.

He is a was not just a fly-by night, a man who I casually dated. He was a man who I fell in love with, deeply, inextricably. And he is the man who I hurt, and has hurt me so much. Ugh, why do we have to make things so complicated in our lives? Why did I destroy something that was so good for me, and us? What damaged me so much that I was so afraid of being loved and protected so?

I only wish I knew. I can't fix anything now. I can't change how I acted. I can't change how he acted. I can only hurt and continue to try to heal. I don't know how to heal. I feel abandoned and lost, during a time when for the first time, I want help and protection. And that is what hurts all the more. I want to be held and embraced and told that everything is going to be okay. Every morning I wake up, I dread what is coming. I dread being rejected. I dread being alive.

I am at a crossroads. Now is a pivotal time in my life. I see Janus beside me, his two faces looking forward and back. I am looking at the beginning and the end.

Sadness is overtaking me even as I buck up and do all that is in my power to be successful again. I have interview after interview for employment opportunities. None are in the field I really want to be in, but that's because the state budget has dried up in this festering septic economy. I just need to make enough to survive in San Francisco. I need to make enough to rent, to eat, to pay my mortgage. At this point, I don't care what I do as long as I can afford to live. If I run out of savings before that happens, I'm not sure what my choices are. It all seems so difficult. I want to make it happen. I want to prove that I am independent. I want to prove that I can do it on my own.

I want to give up.

I don't want to do all of this alone.

Processing Obsession

2009-07-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

A basic question, is it obsession when one cannot get another out of his mind? Is love obsession? Is obsession confused as love? I am not stalking him, I'm not going to his place, I'm even trying to stay away from the places he frequents (other than being generally employed near where he lives). I just think about him non-stop. Is that still considered obsession?

I ask because, as I mentioned when I wrote yesterday, I can't get the guy I call my soul mate out of my head. I do think about him constantly. I wonder what he's doing, how he's feeling, if he's happy, if he is taking care of himself, and if he thinks of me. Crazy obsessive thoughts, of course. I know it. It takes all my willpower to respect his space. I stay away.

Although it shouldn't be difficult to keep myself scarce. I'm reminded that I need to stay far away, through his friends. I ran into one of his close friends that I had pushed for him to get to know over the past six months a couple of times this past month and I was outright ignored. It was as if I didn't exist. I was walking by a que for the Castro theater and the friend was there. As one should do, I said hello politely, and he looked in another direction and acted if he didn't hear me. I said hello again, just in case, and received silence.

Ok. Well, rude as it was, I smiled tersely and then went on my way. A week later I walked up to a muni stop and he was standing there, I smiled and nodded, and he looked away again. So I thought, fine, it's definitely deliberate. I decided to walk rather than deal with that. Three days later I was walking down the stairs to the underground after work and he turned the corner to walk up. Our eyes caught, I smiled and nodded, and he turned a stared at the wall as he went up the escalator. Wow. Mature behavior for a 40 something.

Sadly it appears that our schedules coincide for public transport. That's a shame.

The importance of all this is that it appears that I am on a shit list, and it is probably due to the fact that my ex (it's complicated, what the hell is going on with our relationship? I have no idea how to refer to him right now) soul mate has purposely cut off all contact with me and with my friends. From the point of blocking my calls right after being kicked out onto the street after giving me some really weird cross-signals through text that he was apparently texting to someone else, to a long letter stating that he still loved me but wanted to take a one month break, then a second letter stating it should be two months after I responded to the first letter while I was still frightened and emotionally shattered. It appears that I need to figure something out, I can't be the lost puppy. It doesn't work for me, and it surely doesn't work for him.

A huge part of me just wants to tuck tail between my legs and prostrate myself. Give up everything to try again because I do blame myself for initiating this whole episodic mess. However, I also realize that doing so is probably the worst thing to do - or is it? My confusion is palatable. Do I hang my head in shame and hope, or do I show strength through self-respect and pride? I've dealt with this issue of pride with him before, and he has always opened up when I embraced shame. He has a strong need to be prideful, just as I do, and he was most angry and distrustful when I met pride with pride. However, setting aside my pride leaves me vulnerable again, and am I willing to walk that road again? That is the question, the fundamental question. What do I do?

The shameful part of me asks if all this is worth it, am I worth it? Is trial at dating or even a relationship something I should even consider if the offer were to show up on the table? My friends tell me that even asking such a question shows how unhealthy our relationship was. They say that the fact I even have to ask if I am worthy of him tells them that he is not for me. They say this even with the knowledge of what I have done, now that I have admitted the behavior, though not with whom.

Here's the rub though, I don't care what my friends think. This is my life and what matters is going on in my head. Yes, it may be selfish, or conceited, or tremendously obtuse, but it is my life. What ultimately matters about his and my relationship (or former relationship) is what we think. He and I. Others don't matter. Just us. If he loves me still, I would be so happy. If he doesn't, I'm already crushed, so more blood on the stone is of little importance.

If there just was still an "us". I can only hope there is. My obsession with him would be satiated, and I would have forever to get my fill. Is love supposed to be such? Is he as obsessed as I? Or am I alone?

It appears I've answered my meta-question. All the rest is hope.

Brief recap of the past year

2009-07-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's really been over a year. I've posted some non-consequential things over the past year, but nothing of substance or note. Now, a year later, lots of dating. Failures, friendships, career disasters, and homelessness, I'm back to writing again. Well, at least for now. We'll see what happens.

I've needed to write for some time now, but I haven't wanted to write about what has gone on this past year. There is just so much, and a lot of it is painful. Still, what has happened, happened and my consequences are my own.

In the past year, I have fallen in love with a person I believe to be my soul mate, given up a career, left Reno and moved to San Francisco, rented out my house, lost my savings, cashed out 10 years of retirement savings, gotten into a serious car accident, struggled with the effects of a moderate concussion, moved in with my soul mate, fought and struggled, got kicked out, become homeless, and have been without work for 7 months. I'm still looking for employment and with such, will then be able to find a place to live.

I'm lucky enough to have a few friends in the Bay Area, but they are few and I'm reaching the limits of being able to crash homes for a roof over my head while I cannot afford my own room to rent. Rentals are tough here, just to rent a single room (not a studio or gosh forbid an apartment), costs between $850-$1200 a month. Studios go for $1800. There is no way to afford that without gainful employment.

I've been hitting the job market hard, and have had several interviews for positions, however there are three major issues that I have come across (not including not being called contacted after submitting an application - a constant struggle), these include: 1. Job positions are temporary, and are only being offered to me in 1 or 2 month increments. 2. Job positions are being offered far from the Bay Area. I was offered a position, but it's in Los Angeles, Massachusetts, or some other distant region. 3. Job positions are offered, then revoked as funding drys up. I've been offered several positions in the past three weeks alone, but because of any combination of the three issues, I've not had any assurance of work, even after the offers.

So right now I'm working in retail. After leaving a position that made near a six figure salary, I'm now medically uninsured and making minimum wage at a part-time gig. Oh, how the mighty do fall. One recent opportunity just fell through, the director may have jumped the gun by offering me the position before his program's human resources office formally approved the position opening - so I'm not sure what will be happening with that. It is a position I would love, melding both the sciences and education, but at this point everything is up in the air. Additionally I have an interview with an educational institution in the East Bay the day after tomorrow, but being that it's only an interview, I can make no predictions on the potential viability.

So I wait, and make less then $600 a month after California taxes. Sadly my daily salary is mostly eaten up by the commute on BART, a meal, and dry cleaning.

So I've stopped the dry cleaning. Horrors.

I tried to stop eating too, but after losing almost 8 lbs and nearing the 114 lbs mark now, I'm a bit reluctant to continue fasting. Anorexia ain't pretty. Nor is it healthy when still trying to recover from a concussion. A brain can't heal properly with poor nutrition.

And a heart can't heal without, well, without. Soul mate and I had a whirlwind relationship because we quickly came to the conclusion that we were soul mates. That I still believe. However my ensuing unemployment and move into his small space under the shadow of an omnipresent roommate, as well as my own and his trust issues rapidly degraded our relationship until we were fighting constantly. As we fought more, I withdrew and acted out, and he became less trusting. It exploded, and I felt trapped and controlled while he felt abandoned and betrayed.

And I was left on the street-side at 2 o'clock in the morning with not much more than one suitcase and the clothing on my back.

So what is it that causes me to think about him constantly? Literally every moment that I am not occupied with some immediate need, he is on my mind. Now, I know that I emotionally bond to one person at at time, and when I do bond, I stick hard. It's as much a character flaw as it is an asset, and it often frightens me immensely. This is especially true and was highlighted after my last long-term relationship. Regardless of what was going on, I stuck it through. I wanted to be with my ex for the rest of my life. I stayed, even when I was unhappy. And now I'm doing it again.

Granted, a lot of what went down this time was my fault. I wasn't honest with the guy i call my soul mate the about some very important issues and activities. This is my crutch. After my ex, I learned that monogomy leads me to a reliance and bonding that nearly killed me when it evaporated. I was honest with soul mate about my beliefs and feelings, but not my actions. I couldn't bring myself to stay monogomous completely. I had a fling with an old friend, and he found out after going through my cell phone.

Now, I keep secrets above all things. Give me a secret, and I won't tell anyone, even the people I should. I believe in that level of trust. I give up nothing about anybody else. Again, flaw and attribute. I will protect others at the cost of myself, and in this case, I made the choice to protect others after making a poor choice in the first place. So he pushed and pushed for me to tell and I refused. Finally he told me that he knew and I still wouldn't give up any information. I was caught in a difficult position, and one that makes me deserve to have been cast aside. So ultimately he did. And I pay for it and the knowledge that I am the one who destroyed the relationship because I do not trust anyone as much as I want others to trust me. I engaged in bad behavior. I have my consequences.

So I am single again. He wrote me at one point and said that he belives that I am still his soul mate, but he didn't want to have any contact with me for two months. That was a month ago, and I constantly feel the punishment of having fucked up. This is my own fault, and while he has his issues... it's still my fault. I ruined it.

Ok, enough self-depreciation. This is what I have now, and this it what I'm dealing with. I'm going through a private hell. One that I cannot share, one that I cannot ameliorate. He probably has moved on. He is successful and sexy, social and engaging, he can have anyone he wants. Why put up with an unemployed hick from the a small town with more issues than there are days in a year?

So I have some self-esteem issues to iron out still. I'm broken and I have to find my place in the world again. It's hard to do when unemployed and homeless. Especially for a man who has always defined himself by his work and by the dollar. This is a new world for me. I'm completely upside down, vulnerable, and alone in the world. Well, not completely alone. I have friends, but it's not what I'm looking for right now. I want something completely different.

That may be part of the problem. It's been about what I want, not what I need. I did that when I made bad choices. I did that when I tried to patch up the bad choices. I did that when I felt trapped. I need to forget what I want, and focus on what I need. The problem is, I don't seem to know where one stops and the other begins.

So I focus on the following question now. When I am ruminating over what to do next, I ask myself. "Is it what I want, or what I need? Are they one in the same? Are they two different things?"

Then I have the following stumper. I want picket fences. I want picket fences with my soul mate. Are they mutually exclusive? Or are they mutually exclusive only now with him because of our history? Is he willing to try again? Is there anything wrong with me because I do?

Regardless, I keep coming back to the following realization: I found him, then I fucked it up.

Damn it.

Just saying no

2009-07-13T21:30:00.000-07:00

The guy my doctor had introduced me and whom I had dated over a year ago called last night. We have become friends since the break-up, and for me, it had morphed into a safe light distant friendship. I care about his well-being and his happiness, but I constructed a wall some time ago negating any consideration of further emotional attachments with him. When he broke up with me, I was done.

He was acting a bit odd over the phone for the first couple of minutes, and then with little framing asked that although he understands that I live far away now, if I would consider dating again.

I told him that honestly, I was not in a place to even think about dating since I was still emotionally connected to someone else, and while I appreciated his honesty and trust to ask, I had to apologize and tell him that it was something that I couldn't even consider. He is a friend, and that is the line I've drawn.

I hoped I didn't sound callous, and I called him back the next day to check in on him since he quickly wanted to get off the line after my rejection. He was grateful for me checking in on him, but he was embarrassed. I told him not to be, he was just asking something that he thought was important, and I value his friendship.

He asked me the same thing last August. I don't think he has really let go, but I am making sure I define the boundaries and light them up when needed. I'm especially careful not to give any mixed signals. We have mutual friends, and a couple of them whom I am close to and trust I have asked if I was sending mixed signals and they assured me that I wasn't. That gives me some relief.

Hopefully, he can handle the fact that I'm not interested in him romatically. He seemed to be able to, again though obviously he was disappointed. I believe in him. I think he can handle this just fine.

Making Light of a Bad Situation

2008-09-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

"Two guys apparently trying to console each other..."

ICYMI - CNN - 2 Guys making-out in front of Lehman Bros. during Live Broadcast @ Yahoo! Video

Spotted on the Playa

2008-09-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

A friend found a video of me crossing the playa on "The Device" a car that my friend from the Physics Dept of UNR created.

Wow, I'm skinny!

Burning Man Ho!

2008-08-23T13:46:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again, and off I go to the annual Burning Man festival in the Black Rock Desert.

I need to get out of Reno. So many things are going on, and I need to get away from my house. It's only for a week, but it's a week of relative safety away from crap I don't want to deal with.

It's going to be great fun! I'm so looking forward to this time away from home, work and other responsibilities. Disappearing into the desert is just the best thing for me right now.

Last year I learned so much about myself. This reincarnation of my blog is named after the event, it was so moving and pivotal to my life last year. This year holds so much potential, who knows what will happen? Why even guess?

Maybe I'll find myself enough to stand up for myself. Maybe I will discover enough of my inner strength to learn to say no when I need to say no.

Once dumped...

2008-08-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

The guy who the doctor introduced me to, the one I was dating a couple of months ago asked if I wanted to give it a go again...

But I told him that I couldn't and I wasn't in a place where I was able or willing to do that, there are too many things going on in my life that I don't know how to deal with. I'm overwhelmed and tired. I'm not even sure what to do next...

I did tell him I enjoy hanging out with him as friends.

He took it pretty hard. I understand. He's a nice guy, but I only allow myself to get dumped once. I learned that lesson the hard way from FM.

I can't have my emotions played with, they're way too fragile right now to handle the strain. It's my own weakness. I admit it, but it is what it is.

Random and Puzzling

2008-08-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

My ex-husband (the first one) sent me an email the other day with the header "FYI".

I opened it, and the message solely consisted of a link from ScienceDaily and his e-signature. Knowing this wasn't random spam and being that I was curious, I clicked the following link:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/08/080817223530.htm

And it forwarded me to a secondary literature article describing how Asian-Caucasian hybrids are 34% more likely to have psychiatric disorders than monoracial Asian or Caucasian peers. Okay, sure, some study might have found these results. (The n sample seemed rather small though.) What does it mean to me though? Just because a group is more likely to suffer disorders doesn't mean that one does suffer said disorder, and is by default, a victim of such statistics. And why did my ex e-mail me this link out of context with no explanation? Even a simple "I thought this article might be interesting because of the social implications of biracial disparity" would have been more appropriate. Instead, a random non-contextual e-mail was just dropped in my inbox by a guy I haven't spoken to since July of last year.

What the fuck was that? Is he implying anything? And even if not, it can easily be misconstrued as offensive.

Strange.

But then, should I have expected any more... or less?

Faint Calls in the Blackness

2008-07-17T23:53:00.000-07:00

FM keeps trying to get in contact with me, but I'm ignoring him. I have to for my own sake. I'm not feeling torn this time, I'm just feeling more frustrated with the situation than annoyed. He texted me the day after my birthday, and I didn't respond to that, and today he's called me twice without leaving a message and I'm obviously not going to pick up my phone when he's ringing.

I feel like texting him back and telling him to leave me alone just so I can make sure that I'm not bothered by him again, but I worry that such an act might give him more impetus to continue to try to attempt contact.

Not sure what to do, but in this case, I'm in at a much more healthy level of general uncertainty. This time I'm not tearing myself apart over a guy who is so toxic.

Closed Book

2008-07-14T08:33:00.000-07:00

After several unanswered calls from FM, he left one voicemail last night. He told me that after me talking to his parents, my behavior was unacceptable and he never wants to talk to me again.

That's fine. I accept that. If he feels like he needs to tell me that in order to preserve his power, fine. I'm not going to play the game. It's over for me, apparently as much as it is for him.

And I don't even feel sadness.

Amazing, isn't it?

Ripping out the Roots

2008-07-13T21:48:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure that I can safely say that I'm over FM. It's surprising how it happened, though when actually looking more deeply into the circumstances, I shouldn't be surprised at all.

It all started today when I got a text message from his phone stating that I should call because something was really important. I called 5 minutes later got no answer, and left a voicemail. 20 minutes later I received another text message that he was in the hospital and I should text or call back for more information, but it was written in third person. So I did text and call back... and got nothing. I then called the local hospitals, but there was no record of him. I tried his phone for two hours, and still nothing.

So I did what I thought was right. I looked up his parents and called them. I knew this might have some consequences, but if there was something that was really wrong, then they should know. I got in touch with his mother, and she remembered me from when we had met almost a year ago. I told her exactly what I knew, and she thanked me and told me that she would make some calls.

Three hours later, FM called me and he was furious. He chewed me out for calling his parents and was completely dismissive when I told him that I called them because I thought it was the right thing to do under the circumstances. He briefly explained that he was no longer in the hospital and that his parents showed up at his house, and that they were frightened. He continued and asked me who I was to have the right to tell them and frighten them and then he told me that I was an ass, a fucker, and other various terms.

He then hung up on me.

A few minutes later, his mother called me back and thanked me for telling her about her son, and apologized for his hostility. I asked her not to apologize, and I apologized for frightening her unnecessarily. She explained that she just wants her son to be happy, but that she doesn't know what to do - and I, sadly, agreed with her, because I don't know what to do either.

I told her that I loved her son, but he is unhappy, and hopefully that he finds happiness somewhere. She sadly agreed, and we said our goodbyes.

FM called back and I thought for a second before picking up the phone. I decided to face the music and answered it. I asked him if he needed to continue to yell at me, or had he calmed down. He wanted to yell. Through his repeated "What the fuck do you think you were doing?", I said that at least someone cared about him enough to tell others that he may need help, and that someone cared enough to try to find out how, and his parents cared enough to try to find him. He laughed at me derisively when I said that the reason why I called is because I cared, and told me that I don't have such capacity.

At that point, I apologized for making him upset, but I stood by my decision because I thought it was the right thing to do. He again laughed, and repeated "YOU thought it was the RIGHT thing to do? Who are YOU to think that?"

I told him I was sorry he felt that way, but that is how it was. I apologized again for making him upset, but again, I stood by my decision.

We then fell into silence.

And then he hung up the phone.

This is good for me. I realized just how immature and self-absorbed he is, and how very toxic he really is for me. I knew this already, but this, this really brought it to light and illuminated the shadows that I've been guilding. The gold was stripped and the barrenness of his dark soul was brought to light. This man cares about nothing but himself. He is not somebody I deserve, nor does he deserve me. I need to be free of him, and I think that this incident ripped out the delicate rootlets that were clinging to my heart before they had time to choke me to death.

He continues to try to call, even just now... but I am not going to answer the phone. I need to be free of him. At this moment I know this. I feel the tears, but I dare not shed them lest they fall and nourish the choking vine. I refuse to be strangled.

Curve Ball

2008-07-02T21:22:00.000-07:00

As all this stuff with FM is going on, I get an unexpected message from MFE.

MFE says he thinks about me all the time. I do not want to get between him and his boyfriend. He will never settle, especially not for me.

But in this moment he thinks he wants to. How can I convince him that it would never work without intimating rejection?

Obsession

2008-07-01T21:21:00.001-07:00

So I am risking the fact that I seem wishy washy and indecisive, but I keep calling because you are in the front of my mind and you have been for a long time. I can't help it, and I would consider myself a really strong person normally.

When it comes to you though, I feel halved. I feel it because I know I love you - and I feel torn between my feelings for you and because I want to be near you - and the fact that I feel like a fool around you.

I'm embarrassed...

My first instinct when confronted with tough emotions is to run away, but that strategy doesn't work. It especially doesn't work when it comes to you and how I want you to fit in my life.

You got to me. I know it might not seem like it to you; but You ARE on my mind constantly. and you have been for a long time now.

So.... I'm not asking you to make a choice. I am asking you to forgive my flip-flopping. This push-pull has to stop, and I have to start somewhere. I do want to be in your life if you let me in.... Whatever that means, how close or how far.

I will not run.

Crushed

2008-06-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

FM called today to tell me that he has a boyfriend. He said he feels like an ass and should have told me sooner. He said he is unhappy, but he wants them to work out.

I told him that he should have told me sooner, and that I am very disappointed, but that I want him to be happy, so he has to do what he has to do.

Damn, how do I allow myself to be played like that?

Ghosts revisited

2008-06-23T22:05:00.001-07:00

FM is back in my life.

Reaching out into the void

2008-06-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

FM,

I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry... and I wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about you everyday since that moment you held me when we both cried on the street. If it's not too late, I want to be a part of your life - and I really want you to be a part of mine.

I didn't know how to tell you all this time. I've been afraid of telling you because I know that you could... and you still can ignore me.

I had really strong feelings that I didn't know what to do with then. I didn’t want to get hurt so I pushed you away first. I was selfish... and I was really thinking of myself.

I can't get you out of my head. Your voice... your smell... our conversations, the music you introduced me to, the sound of you breathing as you sleep... everything.

I wanted you to know...meven if it's too late. If you aren't interested, I understand and I will leave you alone. I hope it isn't the case because I would like to hear from you.

Before, I was too scared... and too insecure to stand my ground without running away from you, from anybody. I was so sure I'd get hurt because that is ALL I could think of a year ago.

I've had a bit of time though to heal from my other wounds, and I know that I forced the hand to be on my terms, and I’m sorry for that. It really wasn't fair. And this silence is my fault.

I miss you... I would really like you to call me - I’d be really happy about that. I know you need time to think about it.

Genius. Pure. Genius.

2008-06-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

End note, but not a low one

2008-06-04T22:38:00.000-07:00

Broke up today with the guy my doc had introduced me to. I've been thinking about it for the past week.... he beat me to it.

He cried... and I held it in until I was alone outside.

I feel sad, but not devestated.

What is wrong with me?

Rocking and Rolling

2008-05-02T13:13:00.001-07:00

We've had 11 earthquakes that were above a 3.0 in the past 9 days, and 3 over 4.0. The ground is rocking and rolling for sure! It all continues to be exciting. The 4.7 that hit last Friday was especially fun because I was in the campus parking garage when it happened. Parking garages are built to flex, so that was especially bouncy as the ground thundered for 10 seconds.

Last night I broke down and took the framed art off the walls, especially the heavy pieces above my headboard. I rather not get struck in the head in my sleep and bleed out from a scalping. That would be most unfortunate. Most everything that I really want to keep is now on the floor, just in case, but it's only temporary. One can't live life as such forever, but current precautions make sense.

People are starting to feel phantom earthquakes though... every little bump is cause for belief another has gone off. I believe the colloquial term for it is "tripping". We're all resorting to looking at the USGS site for confirmation of the jitters... even us resigned types. No one knows what is coming. We are told to prepare for the worst since the quakes are simultaneously increasing in frequency and in magnitude. It's certainly unusual...

After the major activity for the past couple of weeks, there have been very few the past two days, and all have been too light to feel. So perhaps it has calmed down... or it's gearing up again. No one knows. Still, no point in worrying about things one can't change!

Dirth of Motivation, not for lack of material

2008-05-01T17:40:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was Willie Nelson's birthday, and like Mr. Nelson, I'm not terribly motivated to write once the good times begin to roll.

Lots of great things happening. Great career choices ahead, starting my doctorate, and dating is going quite well.

But as my ex used to always point out: I don't get excited until things have actually happened. No worries though, I'm in the process of making lots of things happen, and on my own terms. I am excited for the fact that I have had the strength and the persistence to move to a place in my life where I can make choices. I, for the moment, no longer feel stuck. It's a great feeling, and I am proud of myself for getting up off my butt to make the changes that were needed.

Set up

2008-04-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

My doctor called me up a couple of days ago to ask if I wanted to go out to dinner with him and his partner. He seemed a bit giddy, and when I asked him why, he gushed that the guy he had introduced me to a week or so ago was really interested. He was basically setting us up.

I said sure, remembering this guy from the bar the other night. He didn't say much then, but I remember him smiling shyly at me and I was somehow drawn to him then. There was that strange spark in the smokey gloom of the bar (of all things), and apparently it was reciprocal.

He and I were the first ones to arrive the restaurant and we sat across from each other and started talking. By the time everybody else arrived, we were still talking. As the dinner continued, we kept talking. Not intentionally, but much to the exclusion of all of those around us, we tuned out everyone else and just talked about each other's lives, interests and goals.

After dinner was over, we hugged our mutual friends and decided that we should both go out to desert somewhere together. We headed off to the Chocolate Bar and continued chatting well into the night. At about 2 a.m., he drove me back to my car and after assuring each other that we really enjoyed the other's company and that we would be seeing each other again, we parted ways for the evening.

A far cry from what I've been experiencing lately in the dating scene. I have a really good feeling about this one, and I'm looking forward to seeing what is next.

Inevitable hiccups

2008-04-05T23:07:00.000-07:00

A lion share of the advice I've been given recently is that if I want to meet new people, I really should get online. I've been extraordinarily resistant to this because of my limited past experiences online.

In the real world, I'm often hit on by overconfident jerks and old men. When I've gotten online through dating sites, it's just like the real world, only worse and more intense. Even though my online profiles are pretty clear, I seem to only be finding old men, men who only want quick hook-ups, or men who seem great - but they live over 2000 miles away.

So when I met a guy online last Sunday who was local, seemed down to earth, and was an actual intelligent conversationalist; it seemed as if it was too good to be true. He wanted to meet up in person for coffee, and although I just met him, being that coffee was a public space and seemed relatively safe, I said sure. So we met up for coffee and we seemed to hit it off.

He was slightly more overweight than his pictures and his profile indicated, but that was no matter. He still was quite handsome. He is a working class guy, but he talked easily and I felt pretty comfortable. We chatted for several hours, and he asked some probing questions, poking around my sense of Independence and making sure I understood that his own. By the time the early supper hour rolled around hours later, we were both hungry.

I suggested that we walk across the street to the Silver Peak cafe on the river and have something to eat. He agreed and had a meal at which we talked for another couple of hours. Things went so well that I invited him to my place with the intention of watching some Robot Chicken. No other intentions, just some good t.v. He said he had some other things to do first, but he'd love to take me up on my offer in an hour.

So I headed up and dug up season 1 of Robot Chicken from the lost places in my closet. He made it over and after the general niceties of hosting, we settled down to watch the DVD. After a quick break, I got up to get him a Pepsi. He followed me and as I turned around he bent down and kissed me.

And its passion caught me off guard.

I kissed back, a bit awkwardly. I wasn't prepared to move this fast, but I didn't stop it.

And it continued. We progressed quickly to further activity.

After settling down, we caught our breath and began to cool down. After about 20 minutes, he asked if I was interested in watching a few more episodes of Robot Chicken. I was up for it, so I turned the DVD back on and we watched a few more episodes.

As he left and said his goodbyes, he said that he'd get in touch soon. I should have figure it out when he made the first move. I haven't heard from him since, although I dropped two messages in the past week. I realized that what had happened was just a hook-up pretty quickly, but I refused to believe it. Me in my generous naivety, I took up way more of his time then he was expecting. I have to admit that I do not feel too badly for it, for I really was interested in pursuing something more if he were willing - but being that he appears to not be similarly interested, I have at least my good intentions intact.

I tried, went out on a limb, and it wasn't long enough to get lost on. I am able to back up and try out another limb to climb. I am trying to climb - even if I'm not always sure of where my destination might just be. I know what I want, but I don't yet know how to get there. No worries though. It's disheartening, yes...

... but I can't give up.

Ghosts of distant staging

2008-03-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

Last night for no particular reason, I dreamt about my ex vividly and with much of the emotional frustration and grief that I had when he first walked out of my life. I woke up distraught and stricken, and I had to yank myself out of bed this morning. Before I did get up however, I lay in bed for a moment lost in the memory of him laying next to me, his warm furry body next to mine as it was for years. I then listened intently, dredging up memories of listening to him walk though the hallway through my closed bedroom door. After that moment, I got into the shower and turned the water on to scalding and stood under it as the steam rose around my reddened skin. I took several deep breaths and after a few moments, the feelings slowly slipped away. By the time I stepped out of the shower, the blanket of sadness was gone.

I realized afterwards that only recently have I been referring to my feelings for him in the past tense. It's just been in the past few months that I've begun to say out loud that I 'loved' him. I'm not mixed up, confused, or otherwise ambiguous about him. I have remnants of deep melancholy still when I think of him, but those pieces are muted under the memories of how he almost tore me apart when he left. Whether he intended to or not, he broke me for a long time, and I'm only recently whole again. I most certainly don't want to do myself a disservice by walking a path that brings me to wonder about my self-worth and value again. Still, I must consider where I am, where I was, and how much I've grown, moved on, and stayed put.

To not ever dream about him would be impossible, and hope for such would be impractical to say the least. Still, it's heartening to know that these dreams now come rarely and I am able to shake them off quickly. I no longer spend the day after such rare dreams disparate and awash in feelings of guilt, remorse and desperation.

Small comfort to know that there is growth. The ghosts still haunt me, but I no longer fear the dark.

General background noise

2008-03-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

I met a nice guy today at a bar. He was sitting with my primary care doctor. Shook his hand. Nothing major.

He seemed interesting though.

Editing the script

2008-03-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

I've not heard a peep from FM. I'm not all that terribly surprised. We've played this push-pull game from the very start. I'm actually mildly relieved, because by not hearing from him, I have finally been able to exhale just a bit and calm down. My world does not revolve around him, never has, and I was caught up in this moment of wanting it to so desperately.

I do have strong feelings for him, but I need not lose myself in someone else in general, let alone someone who is probably not in the same place I happen to be in. I need to remember this. I am strong and capable on my own, and yes, while I would like to have someone else in my life, I do not need him at the expense of myself. I am looking for someone who is symbiotic.

Yes, I do wish I could find this quality in him and that he felt the same. However I cannot go digging for it or expect that he will want the same. I can only realize that what is meant to be, will be - and what is not, won't. The best I can hope for is that I realize my own value and continue to encourage and foster myself to be a better, stronger, happier person utilizing the achievable and the available. I do not want to be ancillary in anybodies life.

I can only achieve these things if I realize that I am not a secondary character in my own life and start correlating my goals to my actions. If I start believing that I'm valuable, so will others. If I continue to devalue myself, so will others. I create my own reality. I create my own consequences. I live the life I write. It's time to edit the script.

Stepping back into the fire

2008-03-23T11:44:00.000-07:00

I did it.

It has been eating at me for months. I have obsessed, struggled, pleaded with myself, bargained, hesitated and then procrastinated long enough.

I called FM and left a message. A simple message of under a minute stating that I would like to hang out, that I've tried to bump into him around town, and that it'd be great if we could just talk.

There. It's stupid. I'm an idiot. I have however swallowed my pride and made the move that he has asked me to make, that I've wanted to make - but had refused.

I'm stepping back into the fire.

If he doesn't answer me, then I will be able to move on. If he does, then we'll see what happens. I wouldn't ever know what could have been if I didn't make this step, and I would forever wonder why I hadn't ever tried. It's only a step, I'm not moving the world, but even so, it feels as if I am.

I will not obsess. I will not pine. I made the move I needed to make, and now it's time to go live my life as I should and would. There is no point waiting around the phone for something to happen. What will happen will be as it unfolds. I'm going to go and reinforce the value of my life in the meantime.

Voice of Desperation

2008-03-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

I'm getting two pieces of advice about FM. Either I'm told to forget him and excise him from my life, or I'm told that I should attempt to reconnect and try one last and final time to see if there is a greater connection between the two of us.

Damn, talk about mixed signals. I'm so torn about what I should do. As I deliberate, time passes by inexorably and I get farther and farther removed from all reasonable hope of reparation. This is supposed to make me feel better. It's supposed to help me let go and extricate. It hasn't though. I long to try again, I idealize, I struggle with my cognitive and emotional halves. Sitting on my hands is getting more difficult, not easier.

The question is simply, why do I desire him more even as I continue to realize all the more clearly that my obsession is unhealthy because I simply can't get him out of my mind?

Every step forward is another step back. Do I continue to ignore the voice in my head that is crying out for me to call him, or do I dig my heels in and hope that this forelorn voice in my head fades away?

Not such a good idea

2008-03-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I'm not interested in pursuing TbC, the young man to whom I was introduced in the oh so tangled web of men in this small town. There are many reasons for this, all of which will ultimately protect me. He's cute, but he's not really in the same place I am emotionally. I expected this partially because of the age difference between us, but it's even more pronounced because of several other external variables. He's also a bit of a drinker, and while I don't know him well enough to call him an alcoholic, the signs are certainly there because he drinks to intoxication three to four nights a week. I don't really want to explore that particular path again. I also didn't realize just how recently he had broken up with his previous boyfriend (only about three weeks before I had met him) and he's currently in full rebound mode. He also spends a lot of time with Prof #2's husband, and because they are talking about what they're doing, I am filled in on the sidelines by Prof #2.

Prof #2's husband and TbC sleep together 4 to 5 nights a week. They drink most of the nights they spend together, and they spend most of their late afternoons and evenings together. I'm looking for a relationship, not a hookup, and in this young man I'm afraid I will not find what I'm looking for. It made it all the more awkward that I am not supposed to know what I know, and what is going on behind the scenes. Yet, here I am. I still do know. I also believe that I am apparently just a warm body, and I really don't want relegated to ancillary yet again. I am looking for more, and with a person who is spending much of his time with someone else, I probably am not the one he is looking for.

In other circumstances, I would be totally fine with this. I have had many no-strings-attached sexual relationships the past few years and I'm very comfortable with them because I knew where the boundaries were and I knew what I wanted from these encounters and friendships. Now however, I'm not in the market for an encounter, I'm in the market for a relationship, and one (in my belief) can't be built on quite an openly sexual setting because of the lack of established trust and mutual understanding. Perhaps later such behavior can again be explored if both parties are willing and comfortable, but not at the beginning.

I have been pulling back from my sexual relationships for awhile. While I haven't fully stopped or disengaged from all of my contacts, I have cut sexual ties with most of them. I only have two active sexual partners left at this point, SOF and Prof #2, and I've put some distance between each of them. As I date, I stop engaging with them, and as break away from dating, I am open to meeting up again for sex. While I'm dating, I think that it's important for me to not be acting out sexual needs with others, and instead I should be focusing that energy on the person I'm seeing. Not intensely focusing, but focusing nonetheless.

I'm currently in a period where I'm unattached again, but even now I'm putting some distance with my sexual partners as I emotionally prepare myself to take the next step, whenever and with whomever it might happen. I don't see myself really dating anytime soon because of my poor track record, but I really want to be in a place where I'm open to healthy options. One of the ways to do that hopefully is to disentangle as completely as possible.

A web so thick it might as well be a wall

2008-03-19T18:51:00.000-07:00

This week's theme is apparently entanglement because of all the things going on in my life and the lives of those close to me. Things have gotten a lot more complicated, but not necessarily for the worse - it's just that the web of relationships is getting thicker and thicker even as I stand back and watch. I admit to watering and fertilizing the brambles a little bit, but even if I hadn't, the growth would have spontaneously formed on its own. As this tangled mess begins to take shape, I find myself on the outside. Not by intent of others so much as my own choice, I must clarify. I am delicately trying to extricate myself as I try to find my own path independent of the others around me.

It is terribly awkward though because of just how tangled everything is right now. I am friends with and I hang out with both Prof #2 and his husband. Additionally, I have had sex with Prof #2 and his husband does not know about our long history even as they are becoming more open about their present. That's just the beginning of the weirdness taking shape. Just as TbC has been in the mix now that Prof #2 and his husband officially have an open relationship, Prof #2 has made known his interest in one of my close friends and one of his former students. This student is no longer an undergrad and is now in grad school, and has been mildly interested in Prof #2 himself. Being that I'm trying to create some healthy boundaries between Prof #2 and myself, I took it upon myself to play matchmaker and set these two up. For the past several months there has been light flirting between the two of them at various functions I've hosted - the only times they see each other socially. So I sped up the process by letting them know that they were both interested in each other and that they should pursue potential opportunities if they were interested.

Both have partners, both are frustrated. Both find the other attractive, and I need space. What better deal is that? Everyone is happy. The awkwardness now is that both Prof #2 and my friend hit it off really well, and have spent as much time together in the past week as Prof #2's husband and the young man I was interested in for that short time. I'm a little worried about the intensity of the passion that has manifested, and although Prof #2's husband is fully aware of this affair (the four of them, Prof #2, his husband, my friend, and TbC) all had dinner together last night and both partners went to bed with their respective 'boyfriends', I foretell a disaster beginning to take shape.

I was talking to my friend last night, and he explained to me in detail what was going on, and just how much time they had spent together the past week, 6 out of 7 nights (I had heard a similar story from Prof #2 the night before). I told him that perhaps he should reconsider his boundaries because he does have a boyfriend who does not know what is going on, and that much time for an extended period of time could create opportunities for emotional attachments that may not be ultimately welcome for one or the other of them. Also I told him to be careful, because (while hopefully I'm wrong), I can see that the relationship between Prof #2 and his husband is beginning to unravel, even as they both think things are getting better. I've seen this in many relationships (including my own), and while opening the sexual nature of the relationship up can lead to stronger relationships, this time it doesn't seem to be the case. In this particular example, Prof #2 and his husband are not coming closer together, they're moving further and further apart as they spend night after night in other people's beds, and not in their own with each other.

But I'm not any one's mother, nor am I a savior. The only thing I can do is support all of them, including supporting my friend who is getting involved with them - especially because it's partially my own doing that brought them together. For that, amongst other things, I will try to protect him to the best of my ability while still affording him the ability to enjoy himself without premonitions of gloom and doom. Still, for my own safety from this and all the other reasons I've explored in this entry, I'm extricating myself from this tangled web. It's the only safe thing for me to do. And yes, while I feel only mildly put out that Prof #2 is so enamored with my friend more than he ever was with me, I am still very happy that he's having fun.

I am also still feeling lonely, and I think that this feeling is in part, the reason for my relatively negative perception. Both Prof #2 and my friend have apparently been discussing my current condition, and are (in their own words) harboring feelings of guilt about their own intensity as it relates to me. I have really attempted and have yet been successful at minimizing my own melancholy, because I really don't want to dampen their fun (again within reasonable limits, such as reminding them both of appropriate boundaries). Still, I do feel a bit blue. I keep finding alcoholics and emotionally unavailable men. I keep trying to broaden my horizons, but thus far it's been a losing battle. What I can actually do about that to make it better, I'm not quite sure but I've got to keep my chin up.

That time again

2008-03-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

I had the important and lengthy chat with OBD last week about where we were going in terms of dating. I had come to the point where I realized that we weren't going anywhere and it was time to disengage. He had become more and more distant this past month, and for a couple of weeks at a time, I'd signal that we should get together, hang out, or just talk and I'd still not hear back from him. I started resorting to smoke signals, trying to get his attention, and when that didn't work, I tracked him down in person and told him that we needed to sit down together and talk.

My goal wasn't to make him uncomfortable or hurt him, but my own continuing reservations coupled with his lack of communication and seeming interest made it past due to have the conversation that this just wasn't working. I wanted to move on, but I didn't want to just do it without delineating an endpoint. I had already slipped up once by sleeping with Mr. TbC (sleeping being the key word), but I didn't want to keep doing that and add further insult to injury, even if he doesn't know. Again, my goal isn't to hurt OBD. He is a really nice person, he's just not right for me, and perhaps I'm not right for him. I don't want to hurt TbC either, but I get the feeling thankfully that such a thing wouldn't happen anyway.

I wouldn't know what was going to happen until I talked to OBD about it. I was avoiding talking to him because I didn't want to deal with the confrontation or the consequences, but I needed to pull my balls back down and just go through with it. So I made a trip to the bar when my friend who was already there texted me that OBD was already there. It was incredibly awkward anyway, but I finally was able to set up a time the next day when we could sit down and talk. I refused to talk about this topic at a bar, and I refused to talk about it when he was tipsy. He wasn't drunk, but it wasn't the right time nor place, so I hoped he wouldn't cancel and actually show up.

He seemed oblivious as to why I wanted to chat with him, asking me if he should change into nicer clothing after his work shift the next day, but I told him that a change of clothes wasn't necessary.

We met up the next evening after he finished his shift at 9 p.m at Java Jungle. Being that there was event there, we ended up next door at Java Vino with juice. After some small talk for about a half hour, I came out with it and said that the way the things were going thus far wasn't working for me, and I wanted to take a break from it and try to be friends instead. He stopped and looked at me for a moment, and then he told me that he knew this conversation was coming but was trying to avoid it and was hoping to 'fix things' before I brought it up. He said that he pulls back when he's uncertain, and because of his feelings about his ex with the relatively recent breakup that he just had, not being sure what he wants, and the fact that he freaked out when we tried to have sex, he was a lot more messed up then he had thought he was. I disagreed about him being messed up, telling him that such questions were normal, but yes, it was probably too soon for him to be pursuing anything new and that perhaps he should explore himself more.

I also told him that I would be a much better friend to him than anything else at this point.

He looked as if he was on the verge of crying for a moment, and then he swallowed it, and we continued talking. We ended up talking for almost four hours. We talked about him going to school and about his impending fatherhood. We talked about what he wants from life and where he thinks he's going. We talked about games and mutual friends. We talked as friends, and that was so much less awkward than all the other conversations we had ever had before.

I'm really glad that I didn't take the advice of almost everybody around me and just disappear. That would have been cruel and childish, and while it took me long enough to get to this point, I'm really proud of myself that I was able to do what I needed to do without running away or hiding from it. The lengthy amount of time apparently allowed us both to have the space and the time to mull over what was going on, and this conversation ultimately wasn't a surprise to either of us.

While uncomfortable, it was constructive. That made it a lot less painful. Hopefully for both of us.

Chucking the Broken Stuff

2008-03-17T02:56:00.000-07:00

I've discovered a recent pattern of behavior in myself that I'm disturbed by; I have been the instrument breaking off budding relationships with everyone of the guys that I've dated, tried to date, or been seeing with the potential of dating. With current hindsight, these decisions to cut ties have been for my own safety and standards, and for those reasons alone, the decisions I've made are good enough for now.

It still is disturbing however, because not that long ago, I was a man who would stick through almost any difficulty and try to make the impossible work. So perhaps I have grown a bit by being mildly more selfish. I have finally begun to take my own life, my own needs, and my own desires into consideration. I realize that I can't help everybody. I am not intrinsically responsible for others, I am only responsible for others by choice. I am not selfish if I pursue happiness as long as I'm not exploiting others. Knowing all of these things, why am I still uncomfortable?

I am disturbed because I have never allowed myself to be selfish before, at least, not actively. I have always reigned myself in, prevented myself from acting selfishly, and punished myself if I did act in such a way. Punishing myself was the way I repented, and is a distinctive holdover from an overly and overtly conservative religion from childhood. It's about time that I throw yet another useless and destructive tool from my childhood out the window. Self-hatred and guilt about any semblance of selfishness is certainly a tool worth tossing.

Simply throwing these beliefs out isn't going to solve my problem, however. I need to do more than just that. There is a problem with throwing things out the window and trying to forget because it's easy to go outside and pick up the discarded things again. When one feels nostalgic or otherwise needy, the old ways are easy to retrieve and reutilize, no matter how old, moldy and inappropriate they may be. I have to do more than throw out my repression and guilt, I have to reshape these things into positive behaviors that no longer resemble the old ways. I have begun to engage in constructive selfishness, but I still feel guilt and have the general sense of unease about what I'm doing and why. Instead of being disturbed, I should be happy that I am making better choices for better reasons. I should be happy that I am standing up for myself.

This transformation of emotional engagement will take time. Again, as I keep reminding myself, I have all the time in the world - so it's no big deal as long as I see the goals ahead of me. As long as I stay generally focused, I can enjoy the journey while still making progress toward my goal. Even when the journey isn't so fun (such as my current circuit of dating), I can still move forward.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm reshaping the things I can, tossing out what I can't reconstruct, and slowly but progressively moving forward. I want to be happy, I want others to be happy, and one doesn't have to preclude the other. My recent pattern of letting people go as I find out who they are, without malice or ill feelings, is part of this process. There is nothing wrong with it, and it's a healthy part of dating as I try to find the right person. I don't need Mr. Right Now, I need to find Mr. Right For Me, and this is the only way to go about it... one step at a time.

Who knew?

Setback, of sorts

2008-03-16T00:27:00.000-07:00

I've had FM in my head all day. I can't shake him.

Strangeness. Feelings of deep sadness and longing accompanies these thoughts, as they often do.

I still can't seem to shake him. I want to, I dearly do. It's just not happening.

Seriously... he treated me like shit and wanted me to take care of him. Why do I still obsess about him so much?

Charmed, Tangled, and Threading through

2008-03-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

I spent the night with Mr. Tangled but Charming last night. And that's all we did, we spent the night together. It was really sweet and while neither of us slept well for other reasons, I still went to work the next morning feeling relaxed, comfortable, and uplifted.

Sounds like a fucking spiritual revival...

Whatever.

I have to admit that I am a little guarded. Perhaps even a lot guarded. Dating hasn't been going too terribly well. Lately it hasn't been horrible or even bad, it's just not good or great. It just is. I'm afraid that I am just setting myself up for one failure after another because of my own high expectations. I'm not planning on lowering those expectations, but I do plan on re-evaluating them. I need to dig down and find out some more about what the reasoning for my expectations, my needs, my silent or overt demands are. I'm looking for someone intelligent, loving, physically expressive, stable, and confident. I want to be able to show the same without fear or shame.

I don't think I need to compromise those things in general. What I do need to do though is start at the beginning. In this case, the beginning is becoming comfortable with dating because the only way to meet men who meet my needs in the above categories is to find out in person. The only way to do that is by dating.

It's so fucking circular.

I just missed the boat on dating in my early youth. I got married so young, then settled into another long-term relationship soon after the first one ended. Before my recent 'divorce', I had only dated five guys in my life, including the two men I was in long-term relationships with for a full decade. My dating experience is admittedly practically nill.

Not that this is an excuse. It's not. I just have to start accepting that the person of my fantasies and expectations does not have to be moulded, they just have to be who they are. I'm learning that I don't have to latch on to the first (or second) guy that comes across my life and who is interested in me. I don't have to latch on because I'm no longer afraid that they are the last and only person who I will cross paths with who might be interested. I have always had this irrational fear that I was and am unlovable. I have always felt that I was ugly (it's stupid, but I really did - and my last relationship had really reinforced that concept deeply. No matter how much I had thought I had overcome it then, I realize now just how much I had internalized my ex's rejection). I felt like a failure across multiple fronts.

I am none of those things; I am especially not a failure. Being single and being forced to live with myself, to live in my own head despite all my insecurities and external manifestations of grief has somehow strengthened my self-confidence and bolstered my own sense of value. Yes, I'm still bewildered about why and how life has brought me to the place it has, but even so, I'm more at peace at my present than ever before. This doesn't mean that I don't want to change or grow, I just don't beat myself up as much as I once had.

I oscillate between confidence and insecurity. The oscillations are becoming less frequent though, although I still feel the urge to hate myself more often than I'd like. Of course harboring feelings of self-hatred at any time really is more often than one would probably choose. Thankfully I'm not wallowing in self-despair as I had only a few months before, and I'm actually seeing light from time to time. My life ain't roses, but whose really is utopian? I've got what I've got, I ain't ugly, and I'm a damn good catch. Now I just have to do some work of my own and cast back.

And that's what I'm doing. Meeting, or rather, being pushed into Mr. TbC is one of these new experiences. The only way to find is to explore; the only way to explore is to be open to the possibility and to not try so hard. So I'm not trying too hard. I'm just going with the flow, enjoying the ride, and enjoying myself. What else is there to do?

In the meantime, my friend Joel is a little weirded out that I'm seeing this guy. It's a small town and apparently TbC was dating a QSU student not too long ago. I don't know much about it, or even much about the QSU student in question (which is also odd, but expected now that I've been away from the group for a year). I'm trying to dig more out of my friend, but I'll work on that. I don't need to hurry on that issue either. I'm sure it'll sort itself out. Who's in a hurry?

I've got all the time in the world to untangle.

Tangled Beyond Recognition

2008-03-11T00:41:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to keep on this one, but even as I live through it, I'm having difficulties staying abreast on this. What a convoluted situation this is. Nothing bad, but tangled nonetheless.

Again, Prof #2 has been interested in being more sexually active. I held him off for so long because he was becoming (in my assessment) a bit too close, this was especially so as I was attempting to date OBD. About two weeks ago, we hooked up and a had a good time. While we were talking about it afterwards, he lamented that he hadn't had sex since the last time the two of us engaged in November. He was frustrated, but happy that I was available, even if intermittently.

This last Saturday though was unusual. Prof #2 called up and basically invited himself over. He said his husband was in San Francisco and he wanted to 'hang out'. This wasn't a problem per se. I had told him sometime before that he should be more forward about inviting himself over, but my original intention was regarding inviting himself over for social functions, not sexual functions. No matter, it worked out and I was available and um, receptive. He made it to my place in record time, showing up at my front door only 15 minutes after he got the okay.

After a fun time, we talked about what was going on in his life. He mentioned that he is going through a weird time because his husband had suddenly announced two weeks before that he wanted to open up their relationship. Apparently he and his husband didn't have a prior arrangement, and Prof #2's engagement in general was on the sly. We were hush hush just to prevent weirdness for other social arrangements, and that continues to be appropriate. His husband however, wanted to officially open up the relationship and engage with others as a couple. A week later he introduced Prof #2 to the new guy.

According to Prof #2, the new guy is a 21 year old twink sort who is the ideal 'type' of his husband, but not so much for himself. However, he's having fun, and he states that he's happy that he's been able to have sex with his husband for the first time in almost a decade. He thinks this boy is fun, but not as much fun as being able to be with his husband.

He was trying to describe this person to me, and I had a vague idea of who it was. But I wasn't sure. I had heard his name before, but I couldn't remember where. I shrugged it off, and I wished him both a good time and luck.

Later that night I was going to a birthday party of an old friend of mine. He had turned 30 and we were going out to celebrate. After dinner we headed out to the bars to go dancing. We found ourselves at Tronix and while the music was pretty lame, it was serviceable.

After a couple of hours there, Prof #2's husband showed up with this guy. I had a moment of shock. He was a QSU student! Holy crap! I remembered that I had met him not long before. He was at some QSU event, and that stopped me in my tracks.

"I think he's from QSU," I texted Prof #2.

"Really, are you sure?" He texted back.

"Yup, I saw him at at least one meeting. Maybe a couple more."

"I don't think so. He's never mentioned it."

"Hmm. Pretty sure."

"Ugh, I hope not."

"Me too. My own boundary issues are torqued."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I put up a huge mental block for a really long time. Otherwise I'd be dating Nathan (a QSU student who expressed interest in me a couple of years ago).

"I feel really weird about this. I really don't think he is."

"Ok, I'll go find out."

I headed over to them and said hello. Prof #2's husband gave me a big hug.

"We just got back from San Francisco," he said.

"Really?" I said back, smiling obliquely as I pretended to not know anything.

He explained that they left that morning made to San Francisco, went drinking, then drove back home.

"Uh huh," I responded. What kind of role model are you, I'm thinking.

"Well, hope you had a good time," I said out loud.

"We sure did!"

The young guy smiled shyly at me.

I smiled back at them, "Well, have a great time tonight!"

I hugged them and left them so that I could hang out with my other friends. A couple of hours later, as I was taking a break, Prof #2's husband came up to me and grabbed me. "Lets go dance to terrible music!"

I turned my my friends as I was being pulled away and shrugged. They waved good-bye and smiled big.

We danced for a while, and I held back a bit because I didn't want to get too close and I had the issue of knowing they were engaging in behavior that I wasn't supposed to know about or read into. Ah it was complicated. But I wasn't even prepared for what was going to happen next.

At some point, Prof #2's husband leaned over to us and said that he wanted to go to smoke. He then pushed us together. My eyebrows went up, but I thought, whatever. As we were dancing alone, this other guy kept getting closer and closer. My mind went into overdrive - and then I realized it. So I shut it down and lived in the moment.

And he danced closer.

I admit to looking around, keeping my eye out for Prof #2's husband, but I wasn't too overtly concerned. He showed up after twenty minutes or so and physically pushed us together. That was completely unexpected and I almost lost my balance. My mind went back into overdrive. What was he doing? He leaned over soon afterword and said in a voice that only I could hear, "He really likes you." I faltered a moment and thought what? And then after a moment's ponder, I was grateful that heterosexual norms are not ones to which I have to subscribe.

Prof #2's husband left again leaving us together. This time I thought, what the hell, so when the guy danced closer, I got closer. We ended up dancing pretty hot and heavy - and we were apparently quite the show. At one point, a guy in his early twenties interrupted us and asked if we were looking for a third. We smiled at him and said no thanks.

We didn't do a lot of talking. I was kind of a dork, but I always am around cute blond guys. I have no idea why. Can't help it though.

About 4 in the morning, Prof #2 said that he was ready to leave and he wanted me to take this guy home. How blatantly obvious. He didn't want to go home and wanted something to eat, so we went to the Peppermill for their late breakfast menu. We talked and I found out that he had been a foreign exchange student in Southern France for two years. That was interesting! We talked about various things and had a nice time. I then took him home, and parked in front of his house. I told him goodnight, and that I hoped to see him again soon.

"Are you sure you don't want to come in?" he asked.

"I don't think so. I'm really tired."

"I don't want to pressure you, but I really would like you to stay over.."

"The only thing I'm going to do is sleep."

"That's just fine, my bed is really comfortable."

He gave me big puppy dog eyes. How could I say no to that?

"Okay then, just sleeping!"

"Sure!"

So we went in to his place. He has two female roommates, and the place was very smartly decorated. His own bedroom, while relatively spartan was also well decorated. It was late though, and we both really just wanted to sleep. So we stripped down to our underwear and crawled into bed. Shortly thereafter, I fell asleep.

We cuddled the entire night, waking up intermittently to spoon in different configurations. We slept until 1 or so in the afternoon, and we woke up both feeling amorous. We fooled around a bit, nothing of which would have gotten either of us in trouble, and then we fell asleep in each other's arms again.

We woke up at 5 p.m., finally crawled out of bed, and went to dinner. I was extremely hungry, and whenever I'm hungry I act like an idiot. I tend to blame it on the hypoglycemia. I wasn't terribly chatty, but neither was he. We seemed to enjoy each other's company, and that in itself was nice. Honestly, cuddling with him reminded me of cuddling with Bit, a very pleasant association.

Still, because of the complicated nature of the relationships associated with this particular young man, it'll be interesting to say the very least. I'm going to be hanging out with Prof #2 in the next couple of days to watch British TV, so it's be a good opportunity to feel out the boundaries and the options - as well as get some advice.

So we'll see. You know. You can't make this shit up.

Sexual Renaissance

2008-03-10T00:40:00.000-07:00

This past week after deciding that things between OBD and I wouldn't be working out, the pitter patter has picked up again. In this case, my sexual activity is in the middle of a rebirth. Old friends who have been relatively quiet are making their voices and intentions known.

Prof #2 has been really active, calling me up and initiating. Normally he waits until we run into each other in normal everyday settings and then he asks. This has been limiting for him because we don't see each other all that often, and when we do, it's generally in inappropriate settings where neither of us would feel comfortable asking. This has meant that we haven't met up a lot over the past couple of years. This past month was completely dry because I was trying the dating thing, and I wasn't available during that time.

He's been chomping at the bit, and I've been hold him off - until recently. In the past two weeks we've hooked up a couple of times because he's called. Unusual, but not unwelcome. It's just... unexpected.

Simultaneously my former employer has also begun calling and texting me again. I'm baffled about the sudden resurgence of interest, especially owing to the fact that I've been pretty clear about the boundaries. He's pretty bold about it too, asking me to 'top him' over and over again. Wow. I used to fantasize about that - a lot.

Nowadays and almost a decade later, not so much.

SOF has also been persistent. He's also been proclaiming his love for me. Now this would normally weird me out, but he's been very careful to say that he loves me in a very different sense than what is ordinary. He doesn't want to leave his partner and he also doesn't want me to be tied to him. He just wants me to know that I am apparently one of the most important people in his life. I feel the same, he's a very important, very cherished person in my life and I'm lucky to have him in it. Still, if I think about it too much it could be weird because we do have a father-son like relationship and the sexual aspect makes it awkward when thinking about it in such a way.

So I won't.

All three have been pushing forward, and several previously uninvolved people have also been making advances of late. I haven't followed up with them, as I haven't followed up with at least one of my aforementioned. Still, I am heading towards sexual freedom again, and I am looking forward to the rebirth of my sexuality.

It's time to get my game on.

Exhausted

2008-03-06T18:54:00.000-08:00

The semester is wearing on me, and I'm winding down ever so slowly. I'm not emotionally exhausted so much as physically, but that is enough to slow me down quite a bit. I'm generally getting enough sleep, and I'm spending a lot of time alone so I can recover, but even still, it doesn't seem as if it's enough.

Part of it of course is the sheer number of hours that I'm putting into work. These past few weeks, as I have every semester for the past eight years, I've been working 65-70 hour weeks. There are always more things to do, always more projects to finish, always students to assure, help and aide. It doesn't end until the semester ends, and until then, it's keep up or perish.

I'm not anywhere close to perishing, but I am very tired nonetheless.

Another part of this exhaustion, I think, is that I'm generally bored. I'm bored with my career. I'm bored at home. I'm bored by myself. Being bored, I'm not reinvigorated, and not being so has reinforced my disinterest in other things. I'm not depressed at this point, and gosh knows I am intimately familiar with those feelings. I'm just not interested or engaged. The guy I'm seeing isn't doing it for me. At the soonest opportunity when I see him again (which has been a difficult proposition at this point because of our disjointed schedules and the fact that he isn't pursuing plans) I should probably make overtures to end this attempt at dating.

He's a nice guy, but there is no passion, and while at first I offered opportunities to hang out at least once a week, he has made no such overtures. The past two weeks I haven't seen him and he hasn't offered to try to meet up even for tea or coffee. Last week I tried a couple of times to see him in person, but he had other commitments or bailed on me, and this week neither of us have really tried. Our text communication has also fallen off markedly. I think we both are beginning to see the writing on the wall. I rather not choose to be the type of person who starts a potentially difficult conversation over the phone either in audio or text; I want to see him in person to have this conversation. Regardless, I don't see a long term future with him as a partner, and simply seeing him as we have (or at this point, as we haven't) isn't all that fun either.

I'm having more fun with Mr. Wonderful, and we've transitioned to friends over the past couple of months. He's a guy with whom I have quite a bit in common even though we do come from very different backgrounds. We both take the time to see each other at least once a week and our conversations go beyond the daily grind and video games. No, he's not relationship material because of the fact that he's still in another one, but he's become a great friend who I've bonded with rather quickly. I haven't done anything quite like that with OBD.

Which brings up a point that I'm beginning to reinforce in my own mind. I'm looking for a friend first, a relationship second. Or better put, I'm looking for a relationship in which the person is much akin to a best friend. I recently had a conversation with another friend where I was lamenting the fact that I couldn't talk with OBD about very many topics, and how I wish we had more recreational interests in common. He told me that I was perhaps expecting too much and had set my sights too high because he rarely talked to his partner about topics in which he is interested and has little recreational similarities.

I was aghast. I can't imagine such a relationship! How could someone put up with that for months or even years? I would be so frustrated and bored. It has only been a few weeks in my case, and I'm already bored. Perhaps my expectations are too high. Perhaps they are unrealistic. Perhaps there are viable relationships that exist where two people have little in common and coexist harmoniously through the strength of their differences. Such a thing, however, is not in my paradigm. Perhaps this is a major component of what went wrong with my past relationships, perhaps we had too much in common and competed. Perhaps it's not that at all.

Upon reflection, I find that my relationships began to disintegrate when we diverged too much. We did well when our interests strongly correlated. When on the same page, we reinforced each other's interests, we learned more, and we interacted more. When our interests began to diverge, our emotional and physical intimacy quickly followed suit. Apparently, in my life, convergent interests is a strong requisite to emotionally intimate relationships.

Is this an irrational need? Should I pursue a differential agenda? I don't know. I don't know because the patterns of the past are obviously not working. If they were, I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm not in a bad place, but I am in a place where I would rather not be at. I don't really want to be single. Why? Because I value companionship. I work best with a cohort because I am a team player. I just need to find myself a viable team. Such is much easier said than done apparently.

In the meantime doing all the work of living life solo is exhausting. Being alone gets really boring really quickly. The silence at home because I'm not talking to anyone about my day has gotten really old. The simple things I loved before when in a relationship are not as much fun anymore. Take gardening for example. I loved gardening at home in a small part because I knew there would be a sandwich ready when I came back into the house and somebody appreciated the work that I had done. Now the only admirer is myself and I'm forced to make my own damn sandwiches. That isn't nearly as fun.

It really actually sorta sucks.

Response

2008-03-03T19:02:00.000-08:00

I ended up sending FM a response the next morning after sleeping on (and dreaming about) his text message the night before.

I texted back:

To answer your question... No. But there would have to be some serious soul searching about expectations on both sides. The questions we need to answer are: Why do we want what we want from each other? Are the expectations reasonable to project? Are the expectations even reasonable for each other to accept? If the answer is yes to the last two questions and reasonable for the first, then we should talk - and move slowly.

Hopefully I'm not getting myself into something for which I can't ultimately deal.

My friends are going to be pissed if they know that I'm even considering opening the door again. I'm not going to tell them. I just leave it here.

The pitter patter picks up

2008-03-03T00:15:00.000-08:00

I just received a text message from FM.

It asks,

Do you think dating is out of the question for you and i

I still think about him so very much. Our random encounters these past couple of months have been very uncomfortable because we both obviously have so many unspoken feelings that are just floating under the surface. I don't talk to him because I still want him so very badly.

I'm not dealing with these feelings because I have so much ambivalence in just how exactly I am going to deal with this. I want him in my life. I can't have him in my life if he is self-destructive. I can't have in him my life if his presence makes me self-destructive.

I want passion in my life. He certainly brought that, passionate desire, passionate anger, passionate insecurity, passionate caretaker. I felt all those things so intensely with him. I feel them even now.

What is it about him that draws me so intensely close? What about him drives me so far away?

The push-pull continues. My heart races. Is this love? Is this infatuation? Am I crazy?

The brakes are still on

2008-03-01T21:08:00.000-08:00

It's been a tough time writing lately. I haven't been motivated to put fingers to keyboard.

Things are still progressing slowly with OBD. We haven't tried any sexual attempts after the last time I wrote, and it isn't for lack of my innuendo.

Truly we haven't had a lot of time together because of the incompatibility of both of our schedules, and that has forced things to progress relatively slowly. We chat everyday through text, but that is limited and for me, stilted. It seems to work for him though. Also as we talk and text, I find more and more definitively that while on the surface we have a lot in common, the depth is lacking. I don't feel stimulated or engaged. I don't feel as if he can keep up, although I'm sure he can and has so much more to offer than he's currently shown. He just hasn't shown it yet. He's had so many hard times in his life as I have, and he's survived them and for that I admire him, but... There's just that 'but' in the back of my mind. I still think he is very sweet, but I'm really not into this. I'm not sure why.

I think that perhaps I'm still feeling FM in the back of my mind. I'm sure that's part of it, and I can't commit to anyone else until I deal with this particular issue. I also have continuing thoughts regarding the sexual differential right now. I know that he might be going slow because that is part of what he wants to feel comfortable and respected. I understand that, so I have been respecting his space and his comfort zone. However I am more strongly reminded of the issues of my ex. That probably doesn't bode really well.

I don't want to jump into anything, but I also want to feel immersed in the person I'm dating if I'm going to pursue something more. I don't just want to settle because the other guy seems nice, just to find myself in a place where we really weren't into each other all along. The last time I invited him over to my house, I pulled him on me, just to see if he'd take it farther. He lay on me and I held him. I tried to kiss him, but he just pecked me. I tried again and he did it again. We ended up just staying like that. I fell asleep as he lay on me, and that was encouraging because I felt comfortable enough to do that, but even still I don't want to just feel comfortable, I want to feel passionate. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know I should be listening to my gut. My gut is confused, and therefore so are my actions.

On the back of my mind, I want to break this off now before either one of us gets hurt. I already know that hurt is going to be felt, but neither one of us are really invested right now. No time is a good time. Now is probably the best time.

Damn.

How do I do this without waiting for him to break it off with me. I am so worried about hurting him and much less worried about my own feelings. I want him to get tired first so he feels that he has the power. Why do I feel like this? Why do I wish to be the one who gets tossed aside rather than the other way around? Why do I feel like I am tossing him aside, when I'm really more concerned about his feelings than my own? Simultaneously am I really concerned about his feelings if I'm so preoccupied with the fact that I'm not really into him in the first place?

Then I ask myself, is he really into me? Does it matter?

Keeping my foot on the brakes

2008-02-17T19:14:00.000-08:00

I'm starting slow with OBD, I'm in no hurry to make this happen more quickly than we are both ready, and I'm also trying to feel out what is comfortable in this thing called dating.

We went out on Friday night.

It was a really nice evening. We went to a lovely dinner at Francis' Asian Bistro in Caughlin Ranch and then afterwards we had desert at the Chocolate Bar just outside of downtown.

After a long dessert and a pleasant walk through chilly downtown around Wingfield park in the darkness, we headed back to his car.

We decided to head to my place to watch a movie.

We cuddled on the sofa and watched the movie. I was open to more and I subtly tried to initiate more. He played along for awhile and we fooled around a little bit. He wasn't really interested in going very far, which I respected.

Afterwards, he talked of a general repulsion towards semen, which is a bit of a red flag to me. My ex also had a very similar repulsion that ultimately was a big part of the issues of our relationship, and it got in the way. Now this young man isn't my ex, but I worry just the same. The fact that he wants to just jump up and shower as soon as he cums signals to me that he feels that what had happened is dirty and needs to be wiped away. There is no cuddling, there is no time for bliss, it's shower and done.

I'm going slow as it is. This just makes me want to go slower. He's a nice guy. I appreciate that, but I'm concerned. Where do I go from here?

Sticky Complications

2008-02-16T12:08:00.000-08:00

FM called me on Friday. He wanted to talk to me about still being friends, but I was really not able to do that. He was upset about how my friends have been acting toward him these past few weeks when he runs into them.

I don't blame him for being frustrated. I would be too, I'd imagine. Even through his frustration, he's making efforts to try to reconnect, and I'm shutting it down. I have to for my own personal safety. I could so easily try again. In my head, I want to - then I remember how emotionally upside down I was.

I can't do that again to myself. Not yet.

Damn, it's so sticky. I think about him constantly, but I can't let him know that. It's so complicated. How do I simplify this?

Two Year Anniversary

2008-02-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

Today is the second anniversary of me blogging about my crazy mixed up life. My how have things changed in the past couple of years. My how my writing has changed in these past two years as well. While I've only been blogging at this address since July, my former blog is really the progenitor - and this is the natural evolution of such steamy stuff. One can only keep up with that kind of writing for so long before it gets boring.

Yes, I know that writing about my deepest thoughts is pretty dry stuff, especially compared to the hard-core sex I was writing about earlier. I just am taking a break from that for a while, it still resonates within me, I might be sharing that kind of stuff again at some point in the future.

I just don't know when.

The old blog was pretty popular, lots of people all over the world tuned in to read about my encounters. Far fewer people read what I write now, and surprisingly I'm actually pretty happy with a reduced readership. I feel a sense of false privacy in my public writings now and that comforts me.

Silly me.

In the meantime, writing about the emotional stuff has really been a vehicle for healing and growth. I started out believing in monogomy. I have changed so markedly, but so much of me is still the same as I always was. The foundation cracked when the hurricane winds of divorce tore away the frame, but the concrete is still there. I haven't ripped it out yet. I don't plan on doing that either.

A day like any other

2008-02-14T17:39:00.001-08:00

Happy VD everybody.

Yes. It's supposed to have that discordant ring.

Meh.

Bendy and Stretchy

2008-02-11T20:49:00.000-08:00

I participated in yoga for the first time in my life yesterday. I have heard about it for a very long time (who hasn't), yet as with anything that is extremely popular, I've been reluctant to try. This year of change however has found me doing and trying things that I haven't considered before.

A former student, now friend, was there helping out the instructor who was teaching the class for the first time. It was a small class of six, and so there was a lot of one-on-one instruction and technique modification. Three of us were first timers and the other three were novices, so it was nice to have two people to guide us through the process.

Apparently I'm pretty limber. My friend was really surprised that I apparently have an extremely wide range of movement, considering that I don't work out, I don't generally stretch, and because of my age. I was actually hyper extending through some of the positions and she insisted that I come back a bit so that I didn't potentially hurt myself. Strange.

Who knew you could stretch too much? I certainly didn't know. I thought that as long as the stretch wasn't painful, then it was fine. I guess not.

After the class, I felt calmer and relaxed. I wasn't sore and I really enjoyed myself. It was definitely an experience worth repeating. I even slept better last night than I have in a long time. While I have a long way to go, especially in trying to remember position configurations (but with friendly instructors, that's not so much of a problem) I guess that yoga is something that I should be doing more often. I've heard yoga calms heart and the mind. Given more practice so that I don't have to concentrate so much on what exactly I'm doing versus just assuming the various postions, I think that perhaps yoga just might do that for me.

Riding Inertia

2008-02-10T12:41:00.000-08:00

My brother and his wife were in town this weekend, and they wanted to see some of the Reno nightlife. Being that I'm not too familiar with the straight world, I asked them if they were okay with the gay clubs. Both were down for it, and so I called up some friends and set up an evening out.

I took my brother and sister-in-law to the Five Star to start out. We left a little early, and my friends and I know that the dance club doesn't pick up until about 11:30 to 12 o'clock in the morning, so we thought we'd go shoot some pool first. While there we ran into a lot of other friends, and I negotiated introductions.

We all got drinks, and chatted for awhile. After being there for about 20 minutes, we pull out the change for the pool table and I look up toward the entrance. I see this face in the distance and vaguely recognized FM walking in my direction. I was confused at first because I've always seen him drunk when he's out and he was walking sober, which I wasn't expecting nor used to, so it took me an extra couple of moments. As I was squinting trying to figure out if it really was him, we seemed to fully recognize each other at the same instant, and he stopped, turned around and walked to the other side of the bar. This time I was in the back at the pool table, and he was at the front. He bought a drink from the bar, and then went to stand in a corner where he couldn't see me.

I looked up at my friend and he recognized him too, and was giving me a 'don't you dare' look. I shrug at him because I'm expecting OBD, and I had no intention of expanding the drama on this night. Five minutes after the lines again were drawn in the sand, OBD walked in, and as if nothing had happened just a few minutes before, I introduced him to my brother and friends.

We played pool, and FM pokes out every so often, and he was obviously watching me. He didn't step forward, and nor did I. In my head, I thought I should say hello again, as I've done before, but again, I don't really want to have drama transpire on this night with OBD around. So I generally ignored FM, other to give him an awkward smile/confused look when he was staring at me for several minutes before ducking back to the safety of the corner.

I was also trying to figure out why he was at the bar if he'd given up drinking. It's not really the safest place to be for an alcoholic. Either he's still drinking and I was given false information, or he's making a poor choice by going to a bar even though he has indeed given up alcohol, or he knew he had a high chance of running into me.

It seemed as if he wanted to get my attention and have me acknowledge him, but he didn't know how to do that without putting himself in danger. I was surrounded by 14 or 15 people that obviously knew me. He was there with just one other person. I wouldn't have felt safe to talk to me either if I were him at that moment.

We were both looking though, and my eyes caught his more than once. Every time we both looked away quickly, except for that earlier moment when he seemed to be wishing I'd come up to him as he stared at me from across the bar. Here I was with OBD, but I was worried and preoccupied with FM. OBD didn't seem to pick up on my distraction though, and my friends (and my brother who recognized him from a picture I showed him long ago) weren't giving anything up.

I was most grateful for that.

It does make me wonder more though if I really should be allowing myself to engage in dating if I'm still emotionally locked up in FM. I shouldn't be. I know better. But I am, and as the time between the end of our dating in October lengthens, it has gotten a bit easier. It's just not as easy as I hoped. I still think about him often and intensely, and from our recent encounters, it appears that he has been doing the same. This, of course, makes it all the worse.

We were heading out of the bar to go to Tronix when I ran into yet another person that I haven't seen in a good five years. He was standing within hearing distance of FM in a loud bar, but around the corner so that we couldn't see each other. After about 5 minutes of me chatting right next to him, he then made a beeline for the exit and left.

By the time FM left, he had only been to the counter once and picked up one drink the whole evening. Usually in the time span that I would see him in a bar, he'd have been to the bar counter about six or seven times to order a new glass or bottle of something. I do notice such things, and his lack of counter visits was extremely conspicuous in my mind. My mind started calculating the permutations of his intentions yet again.

We were really leaving at the same time as well, and so we headed out to Tronix not long after. Tronix was hopping last night and the music was marginally better than it has been the past several months. My brother and sister-in-law had a great time and we stayed out with friends until about 4 in the morning.

FM called me this morning and left me a message on my voicemail. He told me that he's been sober for the past 15 days, and that he wanted to talk to me, but he wasn't comfortable with the death stare that he was given. Again, I don't blame him.

I am however, frustrated. He is trying to find a place back in my life when I haven't really let him go in the first place. I either need to disentangle emotionally and move on or stop this frustrating drama and just try again with him. My cognitive self pleads with me to make the first choice, whereas my emotional self hopes that I'll go for the latter. Regardless, I find it really difficult to make any choices because I'm currently feeling paralyzed. I'm using inertia to move forward right now, but such energetic motion is really no substitute for the propulsion one needs to get through life and with inertia alone I can't really steer through the obstacle course that I have before me. Besides, it's not just my feelings that I'm playing with, now I have OBD and there is also FM, whose feelings are also important, as are my own.

Dilemmas, conundrums and drama. Damn. I'm trying to make this as simple as possible, but it's not falling into place quite the way that would make everything convenient. When does it ever? I have to make things work, figure out the puzzles, and make some difficult choices. It is life as usual.

I better make some damn good decisions in the very near future.

Wrench

2008-02-08T18:25:00.000-08:00

As I've been mulling over my continued distraction, I find that FM has decided to quit drinking. Publicly.

Is he trying to get someone's attention?

He has mine.

Crap.

From Pitter-Patter to Deluge

2008-02-06T11:58:00.000-08:00

Now that I've begun to withdraw from Mr. Wonderful a bit after I realized that we'd gotten closer than we both were prepared to go, he's become more interested in me. It's the push-pull that I still don't quite understand. I've now experienced this with FM, ANB, Prof #2 and my ex-husband, and I'm still confused.

Obviously I'm confused. It's showing up in my writing. I can't get a coherent thought down.

I see this push-pull happening even within my own behavior sometimes, but I don't understand why attitude changes when one person isn't interested. Most of the time, I am either interested in someone or I'm not. I find that if I have the initial attraction that I then act upon with a person, I want to get closer. If they are attracted back, then my feelings are reinforced. If they are not on the same page and they push away, then my feelings become diluted. At some point the interest stops and I disengage.

There are two outliers to whom I did not behave in such a way: my ex and FM. There are lots of theories floating about my head as to why that is, but I rather not explore that in print just now.

So to get back to the point, Mr. Wonderful is suddenly more interested in me now that I've made it clear that I'm pursuing opportunities for dating with others, being that he is unavailable and admittedly a bad choice right now being that he's attached to someone else. Before letting him know that I was going to be seeing other people, he was sweet and charming and we talked every day, but he was interested in hanging out on his terms. Now he's more attentive and more communicative - and he wants to be more physically intimate.

Huh.

In the short time I've known him, I already count him as one of my close friends who I care deeply about. He is a good man with a good heart, but he is lost and confused right now. So am I. Underneath his confusion though, he has wit, heart, compassion and he's a kindred spirit. I can see it in his eyes. I feel it when I'm hanging out with him. He's as confused as I am, and he just wants to find happiness. He's just not sure where.

So he's reaching.

Simultaneously GBFM and MFE have begun to push the boundaries again. And FM is also beginning to make efforts to make his already ever-presence (at least in my head) known in the real world. I'm not so sure what is going on with FM, but the grapevine is starting to buzz and I'm hearing my name attached to his out there... and I don't know why.

Perplexed

2008-02-05T14:49:00.000-08:00

After several weeks of relative quiet and calm, things are beginning to pick up again. Strangely, as Murphy's Law suggests, things always happen at the same time, it just wouldn't be reasonable to expect status quo... even if status quo is so comforting at the moment.

I continue to text the guy with whom I was originally asked out on a blind date (OBD). He's sweet, he's nice, and he's attractive. I'm just not feeling it right now. I also hung out with him and other mutual friends over dinner last night, and I had a difficult time talking with him. This isn't because I found him disinteresting or because he was uninterested, but when talking with others, he held back. Perhaps he's shy, but I suspect it might be other issues.

However before exploring that topic, I should come right and say exactly what I'm thinking so that I don't appear to be minimizing what I think the primary problem is: I can't get my mind off of FM. Having this particular problem issue on the table front and center, I can delve into the other minute things that may also contribute to this general distraction and lack of overt enthusiasm.

He does not have a college education. I've only married/dated others with their doctorates in the past - although this pattern has changed recently. A Ph.D. hasn't ever been a requirement in my potential relationships, it's just happened as such. I'm most comfortable talking about concrete ideas and generally communicate well with others who are interested in talking about a wide range of scientific topics. As I've begun dating others who don't have the doctoral background, I find that general conversation palls a bit, and I've been accused of 'talking over the heads' of others. I don't find that very comforting or enjoyable, and I am now overtly aware of myself when I'm attempting to converse in depth about various topics.

Suddenly I'm self-conscious when I'm talking tete-a-tete about things I enjoy. Although this isn't this particular person's fault (and is in large part, the legacy of FM), I still am wary. OBD likes to talk about music, video games and feelings. I enjoy the two latter topics, but this is the extent of our conversations. We can't talk about anything else without him alluding to the fact that he hasn't been to college, even though he would like to go. He's sweet, but is that enough?

He also seems to be really into me, and I feel frustrated because I'm not engaging in reciprocal feelings. I like him, I think he's sweet, and I think that he is intelligent, but he has limited experience. Due to that fact, I feel that there is a part of me that is holding back. I also realize that this may be because of FM, and this isn't really fair to OBD. I've not alluded to my conundrum, of course, and I'm really trying to engage in this fully. But I'm reserved, and he seems really gung ho. This is not a push-pull issue. If he were to suddenly be disinterested, then I would be okay with it. I just don't want to hurt his feelings, and I'm certain that my reluctance is primarily due to my own indecision and frustration. Once I process through this muck, then I'll be more open to pursuing another relationship.

How do I explain that I like him, but just not ready right now?

For some reason, Mr. Wonderful didn't trigger these issues. I was ready to jump in and date without second thoughts. OBD is another story, and I wonder if this could be a red flag for other concerns that I haven't yet processed. This is yet another point of my personal contention, I don't know the answer, and it further frustrates me.

I would like to figure myself out. Yes, I do understand that this desire is not necessarily going to be fulfilled. Sometimes chasing one's confusion only leads one to yet another quagmire.

Random Chatter

2008-02-04T00:27:00.001-08:00

Found on a friend's blog:

Old Man Bait

2008-02-03T13:42:00.000-08:00

It started out poorly. While out at the Five Star, there was this older man who was in his mid-60's who was looking at us. Joel mentioned him, stating that he wasn't sure which one of us he was looking at, but he was prepared to throw me in front of him in case of an emergency. I scowled at him. I'm such old man bait.

About a half hour later, I was walking past this guy and the cross dresser sitting next to him stopped me. "What's your name?" she asked.

I told her. "Well," she said, "You seem to have caught my friend's eye." I secretly hoped it was the guy to the left of her. He was relatively attractive and in my age bracket. Sadly, she looked to her right. The 60 something turned around and I got a good look at him. He was overweight, his hair was unkempt and white, and he was wearing flannel. "You're adorable," he said.

"Um, thanks." I said back.

"Can I buy you a house?" He asked immediately.

"No thanks, I already own one," I replied, one eyebrow cocked. Oh Jesus, I thought to myself.

"Can I buy you a car then?"

I had to nip this in the bud, and I wasn't getting help from my friends. "I'm, um, not single," I lied, "Sorry."

"Oh, that's too bad for me then."

"Well, it was nice to meet you. Take care!" I slipped away. My friends suddenly were by my side. Joel looked at me, "I'm glad it was you and not me," he said.

"Thanks so much!" I explained what had transpired, and then I shivered, "Why do they always go after me? Why don't men my own age clamor over me like that?"

"Because they're too insecure. And you radiate old man stink." They all laughed.

"That's not nice." I pouted, "In any sense."

"I know. I was kidding."

"Thanks for that by the way."

"No problem!"

We started dancing, but I was over it. I wanted to go somewhere else. As we were leaving, we walked past this guy again. I nodded formally in his direction, but walked past him quickly. As we walked out of the building, Joel laughed. I asked him what he was laughing about. "He barked at you when you turned your back on him."

"What?" I asked.

"He barked at you, then he made a biting motion." He simulated what he had seen by leaning forward and biting at the air.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the cold wet air, then sighed deeply. "What the fuck?"

"I know, I know," Joel said, "I don't envy you."

We drove to Tronix, and from there, the evening got better.

While there, my friend Caesar stuck with me to make sure that I didn't accidentally run into FM while out dancing. I was appreciative, but I'm actually okay. If I do run into him, I've had some time to think about my behavior and about my reactions, and I realize that I'm not proud of myself. I can separate without being a dick. If I run into him again (and in this town, that prospect is a certainty) I can say hello and goodbye respectfully. I am not as weak as I allow myself to be sometimes.

I also have taken another major step outside of my comfort zone and asked a friend about a boyish young man that I've been latently attracted to for a long time. I'm not secure enough to ask him directly, but that is what one has friends for. I'm also being set up with the guy I mentioned yesterday, but the more information I have up my sleeve, the more I can work with later.

This is not a job, but I do appreciate information. And with information comes opportunities to learn. With learning, there are opportunities for growth.

And sex. I admit it.

Calm, but not quiet

2008-02-02T22:46:00.000-08:00

The past few days have been relatively quiet. This is a godsend, because the drama of the past several months has been more than enough than I've wished upon my own little head. Still though, I'm managing to get myself into trouble, which is a sign that I'm still alive. For that, I'm also thankful. I mentioned to my friend last night while out at a party that I was actually relaxed for the first time in months, and that I was having a great time, and I wasn't on Xanax or psychotropics and I haven't been taking sleeping medication for the past week.

I'm actually starting to calm down. It's only been 8 months. It's about damn time. Now if I could only get my short term memory issues under control.

While I'm finally settling back into my life, a mutual friend has been trying to set me up with her best friend for the past several weeks. I've been very slow to accept her offer, and have held back a bit. There are several different reasons for this, and I'm debating in my head what is going on and why I'm being so reluctant.

Firstly, I'm hesitant to generally explore or participate in blind dating. I was set up once when I was eighteen, and it was a disaster. Ever since then, I've had a major mental block towards such sight-unseen set-ups and my usual high level of social phobia goes through the roof. I'm already awkward with people that I have some knowledge of, people whom I have no understanding of or previous interaction with in a high-stress, high-stakes environment is recipe for disaster.

Secondly, I like to do a bit of reconnaissance before I try dating a person. Sure, the intel may be faulty (FM), or it might be incomplete (Mr. Wonderful), and sometimes it's downright wrong (the GS) - but at least I feel better. I also admit that the reconnaissance effort may contribute to my shyness and be why it is difficult for me to take my interests to the next level, but I'm mostly comfortable with this system all the same. Sure, I'm tweaking the game plan a bit, but it's on my terms, and not through blind dating.

So this Friday I agreed to a compromise. I'd accept the invite to go out to dinner with this friend of hers if she and her girlfriend came along. A group outing intrinsically has less pressure, less tension, and more opportunity for conversation in the highly probable case that I (or he) lulls, which prevents the awkward silences of which I'm so deathly afraid.

We went to Red Robin for dinner. It was busy, but not too loud, and it was casual. An appropriate setting for this kind of thing, the formality wasn't crushing, and the food was familar and comforting. It made for generally easy conversation. The unfortunate thing about going out with mutual friends when also potentially trying to get to know somone - especially if they know the mutual friends better than you do - is that they often end up talking about past experiences and people of whom you have no idea.

This did end up being the case, but this time (unlike ten years ago) I had the skills to deal with the conversational tangents that stem from such talk. My friend has known this person she was introducing me to since middle school. They've known each other for a very long time, and they talked about all sorts of things that I couldn't contribute much to in terms of content. So I improvised, and I participated in the conversation by asking counselor-ish questions of my friend when she talked about people to whom she had strong emotional reactions.

This kept me in the game, and I wasn't a silent Sally.

After dinner we went to my house with the intent to play board games, but we ended up talking instead. Around 1 o'clock in the morning, the two lesbians decided that they were tired and that it was time for them to go home, and guy and I were left alone.

We ended up talking for another two hours before we both decided that it was time for him to go home. It was a nice conversation; we talked about his past, his current path, and what he wants from life. I shared as well. As he left, I gave him a hug and then closed the door. No fast moves, no innuendo, nothing inappropriate. There was a spark, but it didn't flare up and get in the way. This was sweet. We're both a bit nerdy and awkward, and it makes for slower going. Moving slower is something that really works in my life right now, and I am appreciative for it.

We'll see what happens in the next several days and weeks, and in the meantime, I appreciate the relative calm. This is an exploratory period, and while winds are important for open sails, it's nice to have a motor on board. I can move under my own power.

Investing Risk

2008-01-31T18:02:00.001-08:00

I asked a graduate student out to lunch in my department a week ago. I was rather nervous about the whole process because I was interested in potentially more than benign conversation. I ended up making the issue somewhat complicated because I had never asked someone out on a potential date with no real idea if they were even remotely interested. This was my first cold-attempt in my life.

So nervous was I that I actually stuttered while I asked him. It wasn't the most suave moment of my life. He responded by asking I meant 'like friends," to which I responded, "um, sure!" My face was beet red at that point. I may not have been able to see it, but I certainly felt it.

Great, I'm an idiot. And I'm a bumbling one to boot.

He did accept though, and we made plans for the next Tuesday. I still had no idea if he is gay. I strongly suspected, but there are the rare moments when suspicions can be wrong and one's gaydar goes completely bling-bling awry. It's happened before.

The next day we ran into each other in the hallway, and he piped up, "I'm sorry if I assumed..." I looked at him, trying to carry a poker face, but instead I probably ended up looking like a deer in the headlights. "I didn't mean to infer anything," he continued, "I know you didn't mean to..."

"No worries. Nothing to infer, " I lied. "Still on for Tuesday?"

"I don't see why not," he said.

And we parted ways again. I got back to class and he walked back to his office.

Tuesday came by and we went to lunch. It was nice, laid back, and uneventful. I learned about his family and his past, where he came from and why he's in grad school. I also learned how old he is - 24. Damn.

I didn't learn however, if he is gay or not. Which tells me a lot. Either he's not interested or he's not gay. Pretty simple.

I felt less bumbling afterwards, but it didn't lessen the overall projected awkwardness that I felt. I did try. I put myself out on a limb, and nothing happened. I did start a connection for a potential friend, and perhaps that is all it may be - or it may not even make it to that level. I don't know. But I feel like I learned something; I learned that it doesn't kill me to ask, even if it still scares the shit out of me.

But I'm not dead.

I have to invest some energy in risk. The potential payoff is big, if only I can play the game in a way that doesn't show all my cards up front. This will be a long learning process, I'm sure. I've just started, I have to get the inertia going. It's going to take some energy to get this mass into motion. I've got thirty years of previous inertia to thwart to get me moving in another direction. Sure this might blow up in my face, but I had better get focused and transfer this energy more efficiently or it's going to be a very, very long ride.

And not in the good sense. But I already knew that. I just needed to take the first step. I have. Hopefully it gets easier from here.

Branching Out

2008-01-30T23:12:00.000-08:00

I talked to Mr. Wonderful about seeing other people. He's in a relationship, and I know that I can't expect him to settle with me, so I shouldn't settle either. I've decided to stay in Reno, and now that I have, I've also realized that I want more out of life than being second best.

What that means for me at this point though, I have no idea.

I still have to synthesize what I want out of my immediate life. I'm not looking for immediate gratification, but I am looking for something satisfying. I'm tired of the fluff.

Mr. Wonderful was pretty understanding about it. He said he understood that I wasn't going to simply focus on him because of where he is in life. He also said that he considers me more than a 'quick fuck' and I've become an important fixture over the past couple of months. He teased mildly that he'd put his jealous feelings aside and let me do what I needed to do.

I say that he teased mildly because it was clear from his face that he wasn't really teasing even though he meant what he said. Complication has crept in, and I'm secretly gratified that it's not just me who feels something. It's not that I'm pleased to have complicated my life any more than it already is, but it is nice to imagine that I'm somewhat important in his life. He called me his emotional rock, and that was nice to hear. I do, however, remind myself constantly that I should not and will not take this quasi-relationship to another level, in order to prevent me from compromising my own morality. Not only that, I realize that such intentions or behavior would drive a wedge between the relationship that we currently have. What we share now is fine. Sharing more would lend to self-depreciation and loathing because I wouldn't forgive myself later.

I will not be a home-wrecker.

That is not my goal, nor my intention.

I keep telling myself this. Does this mean that I have something subliminal going on? Am I trying to convince myself of something? Why do I keep repeating this to myself?

Regardless of my subconscious intentions (or lack thereof) I was honest with Mr. Wonderful about what I was considering. I told him straight-up that I wasn't sure what the protocols were, but I did want to be straight-forward with him. I wasn't fishing for a change of behavior from him, but I was trying to make sure that the air was clear. I don't enjoy furtive. I try to avoid behaving in such behavior.

At least my conscious stays clear on that point.

I still don't want to be second best. And I don't want to be single. I've been told that perhaps I should enjoy being single, experience life by myself. Run with it. I'm doing that. I've been doing it now involuntarily since October of '06. I'm done with that now. I admit that I've been done with it about as soon as I started.

So now I'm branching out. I've decided that I'm staying in Reno, and now that I have, I'm no longer in a venue flux. The uncertainty of where I will be in the next six months has greatly decreased and now I can meet people who I might get to know better, and get to know for a while. I'm not going to be up and leaving the area at any time. As I'm making this paradigm shift, I find that my eye is drawn to a wider selection of men. I've always had pretty wide taste in men in terms of general attractiveness (within the narrow field of Caucasian stock), but this tunnel vision is beginning to expand somewhat of late. I'm finding more men attractive, across a wider age and ethnic range. It's very strange.

I'm actually rather discomforted by it. Especially so when I find myself attracted to 24 year olds.

That one kills me. I apparently haven't learned my lesson.

Pushing Daisies

2008-01-29T18:42:00.000-08:00

I just started watching the tv series "Pushing Daisies" and I have to say that it is one of the most original shows that I've seen in a long time. It is quirky, and sadly, I relate to it a bit.

That and the protagonist is fucking adorable.

Busy Night

2008-01-28T09:10:00.000-08:00

Friday night was a busy night. I started out at a shabbat gathering with friends from Hillel, and that was a lot of fun. There were some new faces and we were missing some faces, but that's in the spirit of a student group event. I had a chance to catch up with some people I haven't seen in a while, and just for simply that, I had a great time.

Afterwards, I convinced a couple of my friends to go out dancing, and we started at the Five Star. The crowd there was all right, but not spectacular. The music was also okay, but again, nothing was spectacular. We hung out there for a couple of hours, but we then decided to go to Tronix to see if we could find anything better. It wasn't, the music was horrible and the place was dead. It was pretty much a total bust in the music venue.

Just as we were leaving though, a tall blond young man in his early twenties reached out for me. I wouldn't have noticed, but my friend Joel stopped me and physically turned me around and pushed me into him. "Hi," I said lamely.

"Hi," he said back. "Do I know you"

"No, I don't think so," I said after thinking about it for a moment.

"Oh. Were you here last week?"

"Yeah, I was here for about a half an hour, but the music sucked, so I left"

"Yeah, it's not so great tonight."

"No, it's been pretty terrible lately." I looked at him, but it was dark and I was a bit overwhelmed by all the smoke, so I didn't get a good look at him. "My friends and I were just leaving though."

"Oh," he paused, "can I have your number?"

"Um, sure." I gave it to him. He gave me his.

"Do mind if I call you sometime?" he asked.

"No, please do!" I said, and then exchanged goodbyes.

As we were leaving I turned to Joel and told him that I hadn't noticed that he was interested in the first place.

"No," he said, "and you wouldn't have noticed that he was trying to get your attention unless I intervened. So I did."

"Thank you." I smiled at him. "I really am clueless."

"I know," he grinned. "I know."

We went back to the Five Star where at least the music was marginally better. The DJ there is generally a bitch, but she has some taste - even if it is sometimes questionable. We made it back and the first thing I needed to do with my little bladder was use the restroom, so I headed in that direction. Low and behold, back there at the pool table was FM, beer in his hand and noticably drunk. I put my head down and scoot on by while he talking to somebody hoping that he didn't see me. I finished my business and then had to walk by him again, trying to make myself invisible.

I know, I know. It doesn't work. I tried it anyway.

I made way back to the front of the bar and told my friends that he was in the back there. I had immediately forgotten the boy at Tronix as soon as I saw FM. They asked if I wanted to leave, and I told them no. I may have felt like a five year old at the moment, but I wasn't going to be run off as if I had done something wrong. The music had palled a bit, but it wasn't because my mind was suddenly spinning because of FM. True, my stomach suddenly hurt, I felt nauseous and suddenly very tired, but I refused to be run off.

So I ignored him. It wasn't one of my prouder moments. I started dancing again, and I was having fun, but I was still thinking of FM. I tried to think of other things, I chatted with my friends, I danced faster. It wasn't working. I looked his direction every so often just to catch glimpses of him, hoping I wouldn't and I did, and he was as cute as ever - even though he was obviously intoxicated.

Damn it!

I bring on my own drama. This is my fault.

I wanted so much to talk to him, but I know better. There were several ways that could go, and all of them led to bad consequences. I could have been an honorable man and tried to say hi, but I had done that before, and the last time I tried that with him, he expressed disdain - only to beg that I give him another chance later that night. I wasn't going to go through that again. I could have been the honorable man and said hello, and then perhaps have him hit me. That was a slim chance, but one that I really am not interested in risking. He hasn't given any reason to think that he'd hit me, and I went through that the last night we talked, but I still have this visceral fear of alcoholism and physical violence. (I blame my step-father, but that's another story altogether.) I could have said hello and then not known how to say goodbye again.

This last bit is my real fear. I fear it most because it is where I am weakest. I have very little confidence in myself. I want him back. I think about him all the time. He's horrible for me. He's a really bad choice. But I can't get him out of my head. If I started talking to him again, I might say yes if he asked me to try again. If I stood in front of him and looked into his eyes, I would let him back into my life. I can't let that happen.

Secretly, I'm still taken by him. It's almost appropriate to say that I love him, although it's not the healthy type of love in any sense. It's not the right kind of love. I want him to change. I want him to be something that I want him to be. I don't want him to be an alcoholic. He can be anything, but I don't want him to be an alcoholic. That is what he wants to be right now, and I can't change him, nor should I want him to change for me. He has to do it himself. I can't be his counselor.

That's why I can't talk to him. I would fall for him again. I already have. I can't let him know that.

I was like a scared little puppy, and I fretted so much that my kidneys were working in overdrive. I had to pee again. It was time for another trek to the bathroom. I didn't want to do that because it would look like I was trying to be coy when I really wasn't. I just needed to pee. If I didn't have to walk to that side of the bar, I'd be more than happy to avoid it. It was unfortunately unavoidable, my bladder was full.

So I had to make the walk of shame again. This time, I didn't have to do it alone. My friend Caesar walked with me, and was kind enough to put his arm around my shoulder. It made me feel better, but I was also obvious. I wasn't invisible, and I wasn't hiding. I was just being a stupid prick.

He obviously saw me, but he didn't say anything. But he looked. I didn't look back. I did my business and when I had to make the trek back, he has placed himself in a place where we couldn't pretend I didn't see him. I wanted nothing of it, I walked right past him and didn't say anything.

I acted like a child. From then on, the game was up. He knew I was in the bar. We looked at each other a lot, but pretended we weren't. He didn't come my way, and I didn't go back to that side. In a half hour, I had to use the restroom again, but this time I left the bar, walked to a casino, and used the restroom there. I was not going to walk past him yet again. I refused to be an even bigger ass by making it seem like I wanted to be seen.

After another hour or so after it was obvious that we were looking at each other, the music died down and people left the dance floor. I didn't want to cross the invisible line in the sand, and it seemed as he didn't either. It was for the best, but it was sure painful. I should have left hours ago, but this is a small town. I can't run whenever we randomly bump into each other. I'd have nowhere to go.

Yet still, it was 3 o'clock in the morning. It was time to leave.

He texted me as I was leaving the building.

Y R U ignoring me?

Damn it. I sighed to myself. I didn't tell my friends at first because they all dislike him. They know how much I tore myself up over him. They know how bad he is for me. They know that I would be stupid enough to go back, and they are trying to protect me.

Damn it.

Because, I texted back, it still hurts. Besides, I didn't think that you wanted to talk to me anyway.

I was the designated driver, and I had to drive everyone home. We made it to my car and I put away my phone but I was distracted. My friends noticed. They insisted that I explain. So I sighed and then shared.

Joel piped up, "Well, he did try to head your direction, but I gave him really dirty looks, so he backed off."

I smiled wanly. Thanks. I wasn't really thankful. I would have liked to talk to him. I can still hear his voice so strongly in my head. I really would have liked to hear it again, which is part of my problem. I should be thankful, but I wasn't.

I started the car and we started heading home. Suddenly flashing lights popped up behind me. I was being pulled over. I looked at my friends, "Did I do something wrong?"

They all shrugged, "No, don't think so. You stopped at the stop sign, you used your signal. Don't know," they said. The police officer came to my window, which I had already rolled down. I had my license and registration in my hand.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" he asked in a moderately Southern accent. He was a blond man in his mid-40s who was mildly balding. Not unattractive, but I too scared to think about that at the time.

"No sir."

"Your lights aren't on."

"Oh." I hadn't noticed, I looked at my friends, and they all shrugged. Neither had they. "Sorry sir, it's pretty bright out here, I didn't realize..." And I lamely turned them on. We were still downtown. It was a bright as daylight. None of us had noticed.

"Where are you coming from?" he asked.

I thought for a quick second, and then told him the truth. "We where just at the Five Star."

"How much have you had to drink?"

"I had a half of a Smirnoff ice 5 hours ago."

"What did you have?"

"A half of a Smirnoff."

"How long ago?"

"Five hours ago."

"Have you had anything to drink since then?"

"A bottle of water."

"I'm going to have to ask you to get out of the car. You can turn your lights off now."

"Yes sir." I was nervous at that point. I know I hadn't done anything really wrong, except for the forgetting about my lights part. Other than that, I was alright and I knew it, but still, I had never been asked to get out of the car in my life. I handed Joel my keys and followed the officer.

"Why are you shaking?" he asked after he direct me to stand on the sidewalk.

"Because I'm nervous and I'm cold," I said.

"Well, I'm going to ask you to do a couple of things. But first, I'm going to ask you. What did you have to drink again?"

I told him again what I had.

He asked me again how long ago. I told him. "Are you on any prescription drugs?"

"No."

"Have you taken any other drugs?"

"I haven't used any illegal drugs in my life," I said meekly.

"Ok," he said, "I want you to stand in front of me and follow my finger as I move it."

"Do you want me to follow with just my eyes, or move my head?" I asked.

"Just follow with your eyes." He shined his flashlight into my face and had me track his finger back and forth about 12 times.

"Ok," he said. "I normally would have you walk, but if it's pretty slippery out here." I looked down as he gestured at the ice on the sidewalk.

"Do you want me to walk in the street?" I asked.

"No, but I need to stand here for a moment." He took my license and handed it to another officer who had pulled up behind him. He came back with a little black device with a straw, obviously a Breathalyzer. "I need you to blow into this, and only stop when I tell you to."

He held it to my mouth and said blow. I blew into it as he told me to keep going over and over again. Finally he said stop, and he looked at the reading.

"Wow. You're not drunk."

"I know." I said.

"Well, at least you're honest." He grinned at me. I looked at the reading. It was 0.00.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I ran into my ex." I explained sheepishly. I shrugged a little bit.

"Oh, I see." He paused. "Well, let me give you a bit of advice..."

"Yes sir?"

"The next time you are stopped by a police officer, take off the wrist band. That is an automatic 'get out of the car'."

"I promise. I'm sorry sir."

"It's okay," he laughed, "I'm not going to give you a ticket, this was obviously an accident. And you were very honest with me. Just be careful."

"Yes sir. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"Okay, you can go."

I got back into my car. "I can't believe that happened!" I said out loud. Everybody in the car was understanding. They really hadn't noticed the lights either, and they all knew I was sober, so they weren't worried.

I drove them home, which was only two or so miles away, and as I was pulling out, FM called.

I debated whether or not to answer it. The weak side won and I picked it up.

"Why did you ignore me?" he asked.

"Because of what I told you in the text. It does still hurt to see you and I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk to me."

"Well, it hurt to be ignored. That wasn't cool."

"It's a two way street. You could have talked to me too."

"Yeah, well," he sighed, "it didn't seem like you wanted to talk to me - so I didn't."

He paused, "I really liked you, you know."

"I know. I liked you too, but it wasn't working."

"You could have made it work if you tried harder. We could have made it work."

"No. You're an alcoholic and I'm a control freak. That doesn't work so well."

"I would stop drinking for you."

"You've had time to do that, you haven't. I can't wait. It hurts too much."

"You just need to ask."

"I already did. I don't want you to be something for me, I want you to be something for yourself."

"So do I."

"I know," I said. "But it's not right, right now. This wasn't working. It's going to take a couple of years." As soon as I said that, I regretted it. That was a statement that could be interpreted as stringing him along. I didn't want to do that.

"Well, I really did like you."

"I liked you too."

"You broke up with me!" he laughed derisively, "How can you say that?"

"Because it's true. But that's the problem."

"What's the problem? That you're not willing to try again?"

"Exactly."

"It really hurt when you ignored me. That was a shitty thing to do."

"I know. We seem to hurt each other a lot." I told him sadly.

"Yeah."

Silence.

"I guess I should let you go," he said.

"You have a good night."

"Are you kidding? How am I supposed to have a good night?" Then he hung up.

And I started crying. I was emotionally and physically overwhelmed. This night had so much going on. I just couldn't keep up.

I finally took a Seroquel that I had gotten from a psychiatrist when I broke up with my ex in June. It forces me to sleep for 25 to 30 hours, and I was at wits end. It was 7 o'clock in the morning, and I ached from exhaustion, but I couldn't sleep. I decided that I didn't care and took the pill and slept the next two days away.

Damn it.

Quick Wrap-Up

2008-01-23T17:12:00.000-08:00

I survived my first two days of instruction, but yesterday was a bit of a trip. I felt a bit loopy and while giving lecture, I was admittedly generally giddy. The students probably either thought I was dynamically fun or deranged. I'm not sure which. Probably both.

My doctor told me to stop the drug I was taking, and to take a week's rest from it. He then told me to start a prescription of Zoloft after the week has passed. I haven't had the time to research the Zoloft yet, but I was going to do so tonight. I certainly hope the side effects aren't as marked as my last experience.

In other news, a professor stopped by because she had apparently heard the rumblings through the grapevine of me wanting to leave. She stopped by to tell me that she was shocked that the department wasn't doing more to keep me and that replacing me would be a near impossibility. She expressed frustration that the department had driven away other good people because of issues of ego (the professors' not caring for competition from non-tenured staff), and it was happening again. She then told me that she would keep an eye out for potential positions at the community colleges in the area for me if I was interested.

Boy am I ever!

I've also made a big step forward, doing something that I had never in my life done before. It scared the shit out of me, and I didn't do everything that I needed to do, but I did take the big leap off the bridge. I didn't get cold water splashed in my face, but that's because I really don't know the outcome just yet. But more on that later.

Stunned

2008-01-21T22:54:00.000-08:00

I'm not liking the Effexor very much. I feel drunk, unsteady, and lightheaded.

It's taking all of my energy to write this. I can't remember words for the life of me. This will be a problem tomorrow when I have to give lecture.

I'm not taking the pills tonight, hopefully this stuff wears off before the morning. I've already written my doctor an e-mail letting him know what I'm doing, and asking for his advisement.

I have to shake the grogginess and the stupification before tomorrow. Please let it wear off by morning.

Pilgrimage

2008-01-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

I made an excursion out to the Black Rock Playa today with Mr. Wonderful. He had never been out there and wanted to see the area, and I was happy to show him around the desert.

There was snow falling in the distance all around us, although the Playa had blue skies. I looked out across the moist salt, remembering where Burning Man was last year. I thought of my time with Bit, and of the things in my past that I let go there.

I uncovered a lot of hidden strength on that lake bed.

I found who I could be if I allowed myself the opportunity.

I remember what it was in myself that I discovered there.

I've been reminded to reach in and rediscover him again.

Speaks to Me

2008-01-20T01:39:00.000-08:00

Timbaland - Apologize

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground.
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound.
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, said hey,

It's too late to apologize, it's too late.
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late.

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you.
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new.
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you.
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late.
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late.

It's too late to apologize, it's too late.
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late.
It's too late to apologize, yeah -
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah...
I'm holdin' on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground.

Unexpected

2008-01-19T18:07:00.001-08:00

Today I had a very unusual and unexpected text conversation with a very old friend.

One of the worst parts about this, besides crushing his feelings because I care about him, is that I'm sweating. And I don't sweat unless I'm afraid.

What does that signify?

Reading the last few pages first

2008-01-19T16:30:00.000-08:00

There is an age old problem that I can't figure out. No matter how much t.v. I watch, how many books or magazines I read, or how I watch others do it - I can't seem to do it for myself.

It's very odd. I'm considered a quick study. I'm told that I have really good social skills. I've been told that I'm relatively attractive. But still, I just can't seem to get the hang of it.

So I don't even try.

The art of saying hello. How the hell do people do it? Now I'm not looking for a relationship, but I am looking at refining some skills, meeting new people, and making new friends. When I'm at work, I'm fine. When I'm advising a student group, I'm fine. When I'm in front of a classroom, I'm fine. When I'm out at the grocery store, I'm fine. I just plunk down, say howdy, and go from there. But as soon as I think someone is cute, I shut down.

I'll look. They'll look back. But I always wait for them to make the first move. They often don't.

I miss out on meeting new people.

So how do I prevent the heart from racing and the paralyzing fear of being attacked or humiliated if I'm wrong? No clue. It really all distills down to insecurity, and I know that. What's weird is that I can be very effective in some venues, but in this particular one, I've never been able to figure it out. Even with FM, I asked for his number, but he really had made the first move many years before. I have to be certain before I try, I have to be know the answer before I ask the question. I have to read the last few pages of the book before I start at the beginning.

Well, I do that often in real life when reading fiction, but not always.

So what significance is there in treating attractive people like books of fiction, besides the obvious Jungian archetypal jib-jab? I don't know. Haven't been able to figure it out myself, and never had somebody walk me through the art of starting a conversation, I seem to think of myself as quite nerdy and introverted. That limits me. Others realize this after they get to know me, but in the modern day of adulthood, those I just meet (in the situations where I do plunk down and start a conversation) almost always have me pegged as a extroverted leader.

Strange how I can cover it up so well at first. Strange how I can't keep it covered.

So what will it take for me to go out there and talk to attractive people who, might, just might be single and interested in dating me themselves? Not necessarily with a relationship in mind, but the potential of that happening sometime down the road if the stars align correctly would be nice. The problem of meeting them has been solved, I go out more and I see lots of interesting people. Well, a few. Kinda. But it's a start!

Damn, I'm clueless.

I tend to gravitate to people already in relationships, thereby reinforcing my self-image as a secondary character. It was appropriate when I was in a relationship (as appropriate as these things go notwithstanding the heterosexual normative bias toward distaste for such things). I need to stop it now though, because I want more than they can give. Playing is one thing, but I'm not able to play like that
right now without taking it personally.

Someone's getting hurt.

I have other things on my mind and my feelings are chaotic.

It's a hell of a lot less convenient when you can't read the ending of the story first. And ya, I'd want to know just so I could see if it made sense as it was unfolding.

Sacrificing Identity

2008-01-17T21:51:00.000-08:00

Today I took the plunge and talked to my doctor about the issues I've been having for the past several months.

He recommended Effexor and wrote me a prescription.

I'm a bit worried about it, especially after researching the drug because of various issues including the well known and general: suicidal ideation and sexual side effects. This drug specifically affects orgasm in men, and I already have this issue - being able to last far too long sometimes.

Hmmm. That's troubling.

Still, some sacrifice may be needed. So I'll try it for a while and see what happens. Hopefully I don't turn into a zombie. If I come to a point where I don't like the cost-benefit ratio analysis result, then I'll go have another chat with my doctor. Until then, I could use some luck.

Playa Bound

2008-01-16T14:36:00.000-08:00

I've got my golden ticket.

After waiting in line behind 6000 other people for four hours (virtually, of course), I now have my ticket to Burning Man this year.

Woo Hoo!

It was expensive, but I know that Pershing County raised the usage fees for the event, so the costs were passed on. Can't blame the committee for that, although the theme of "The American Dream" is rather lame.

We've got a lot of international burners, what are they going to dream? That America wakes up and actually becomes a responsible party on the global playing field?

But that's another conversation for another blog.

I have my golden ticket. What do I care?

Oh wait...

Reconsidering, Revising, Retracing

2008-01-13T21:12:00.000-08:00

I went on a short walk yesterday with my friend before heading out to the airport for my flight back to Reno. While out, she and I had a conversation about our lives and potential futures, sharing the uncertainty of it all. We’ve known each other for ever so long, but even now they amaze me as I know I surprise them. Even with that surprise though, comes the comfort of knowing who they are and having some predictive value for them anyway.

I love them as much as they love me. Our lives have changed, but we are still connected. We are family, and sometimes we piss each other off, but we also bring much comfort and joy into each others’ lives.

I was uncertain about what was going to happen when I came across the continent to visit them. I’ve changed so much and have become so uncertain about my life, my goals and my present that I wasn’t sure what I was going to do – either with my life in general or with them. Did I need a break from them for a while? How long was that going to be? Months? Years? Did they need a break from me?

After what happened this summer when they dropped so much to pick me up out of the abyss I had fallen into, we had needed some time apart, we just didn’t know how long that was going to be.

Six months have passed, and we tested the waters. I flew to North Carolina to spend 11 days with them and see where we were. At first I was hesitant. I was uncertain and wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted. I wasn’t sure about what I was even feeling.

There was so much that seemed to be in the balance, and I was very frustrated with myself for that. How could I even consider a life without them in it? How could I still be so co-dependant to not consider it? What was important to me? I had no idea. All I knew was that I was going to make it or break it. This was my problem. The issues were in my head.

Do I run or do I stay?

I feel horrible about it because I was actually debating a life where I had cut everybody off. I have already done that to a large extent, and am now making great effort to try to slowly (one person at a time) begin again. I am re-establishing old relationships and re-forging old friendships. I’ve been doing that more slowly in the past couple of months though, and I’ve let some of the newly forged ties relapse yet again. I get overwhelmed and then I retreat. My friendship with these two though, they are the foundational pivot-point of all my friendships. They are beyond friendship, they are family.

If I cut them off, then I would be cutting off everybody, because it would be the transition and signal for me to wind down and then stop. I would have faded into the black, accepted defeat, and given up. I may not have done that overnight, but it would have ultimately happened. It still might, but hopefully, with my own will and their help (consciously and not) I won’t be allowed to sink that far.

This past week has reinforced the fact that they are extremely important to me and my life and that I am very lucky to have them. They care about me a great deal, and I care about them immensely too. I can’t imagine a life without them. I have disappeared from most of my friends’ lives, unless they make a point to keep in contact with me. That is not really fair to any of them, and it makes me an emotional black hole. I don’t really want to be that, and I have avoided making it worse by disappearing. Better to say nothing at all than actively drive people away, I thought. But that’s not really a constructive attitude. The world isn’t binary. If I drive some away, then I don’t really need them in the first place. If some stick around as I try to figure it out, then I know that they’re valuable and important.

As long as I don’t wallow too long and be constantly negative, then it’s okay to live and learn without becoming a hermit. I've chosen hermit for a long time now. It was inappropriate. I felt as if I was in the way and full of baggage. That might be true, but it doesn’t make me any less of a person. It makes me real. I’m not a Stepford wife.

I realized that I was considering a very stupid thing. I was considering a slow and lonely life. I was considering a life similar to that of my father, and although it was without all the anger, it was just as destructive. I am so much better than that, and my friends are worth so much more than that. They are fantastic, irreplaceable, unique, and loving people. I would be stupendously foolish to walk away from them.

My brother told me that a couple of weeks ago during Christmas. I should listen to him more often. And then again, perhaps not.

It’s a crapshoot with him, but I love him anyway.

One of the things that my friend and I talked about yesterday was the fact that perhaps I should be talking to a doctor. These past seven months have ravaged my body and my mind. I’ve lost 30 pounds. I stopped sleeping. Even with medication I still don’t sleep well. My memory, both long and short-term, have gone to hell, and I’ve been having mood swings. The mood swings aren’t acute, but they are noticeable to me and I don’t appreciate them very much. This is especially because they tend towards depression, and that just isn’t very conducive to making a better life for myself. I have trouble concentrating and am easily distracted. I can’t seem to get anything done. Even writing has been a chore lately.

That is particularly frustrating.

I’m loathe to attempt further medication than the sleeping medication that I’m currently prescribed because of my pride and because I fear, of all things, weight gain. That’s probably a pretty vain reason, especially considering the fact that I’ve lost so much weight when I didn’t have it to lose in the first place. Regardless, I’m rather happy with my 118 lbs on my small frame, and since I’m still well within a healthy weight range, according to my doctor, then I am generally fine. (I wouldn’t mind gaining up to 125, but I’d want it to stop there – and it damned well better be muscle!)

My friend advocated that I do talk to my doctor about these things and see if there is something that can be done about all of these symptoms. She had something in particular in mind, but I honestly, already forgot the name of it. That in itself tells me that I have to do something, my memory is supposed to be relatively legendary across my group of friends. I made an appointment with my primary care physician for this next Thursday. I’m going to be honest with him and tell him what I’m going through. If he suggests something, then I’m going to have a reasoned discussion with him about why, the options, and how it will help. If he’s certain, then I will follow his advice.

These are big things. I’ve re-found my center in terms of my closest friends. It now time to really begin to re-establish my relationships with others. Several have reached out, but I’ve not been particularly open or available to take them up on their offers or their efforts. It doesn’t mean that I don’t value them, I’m just embarrassed and too socially mortified to deal with the expectations or the pressure. What makes it all the worse is that I’m generally socially awkward to begin with, so reaching out and apologizing (or ignoring the fact that I was distant in the first place) is not something that I’m really capable of doing right now.

Maybe medication will help. Maybe not.

Regardless, I have to reconsider the path that I’ve currently been walking. It has been pretty lonely, and while I am an intrinsically introverted person, it’s been even more lonely than even I know is good for me. I may feel most comfortable hiding in my hole, but it’s not a healthy place to be.

It’s time to retrace some of my steps because the universe isn't so opaque anymore. I can see some of what is up ahead, and it's time to take note. It is time to take some different turns and walk another path. It’s going to be uphill for a while because lately I’ve been taking the path of least resistance, but it’s time.

Whatever metaphor I use, it’s time.

Supercritical Dreaming

2008-01-12T09:23:00.000-08:00

During the night after going to Flex, I woke up in tears while dreaming about my ex. It must have been a mixture of extreme tiredness, alcohol, and sleeping pills that did it, but I’m actually rather glad that I had the particular dream I did.

I had dreamt that we were at some unidentified hotel. It was bright, and there was a lot of people and activity surrounding us. I don't remember anyone's faces, other than the faces of my accompanying group.

We were at the hotel to have lunch with his mother, my mother, and my mother's husband. I was rather embarrassed about my mother's husband being present, as I generally am. He is uncouth and without merits of civilization and decency and this fact was juxtaposed my ex-mother-in-law, who is a woman of poise, grace, and Parisian respectability. I was also uncomfortable about having my mother at this luncheon, because I knew she was going to be emotional and try and talk my ex into reconsidering his relationship with me, and to perhaps try to take another go at it. I didn't want her to say anything of the sort, but I wasn't sure what to say to her without generating an emotional outburst from her, so I didn't say anything at all.

We made it to the restaurant in the hotel, and it was a brightly lit place with cream yellow booths and white tables. The middle of the restaurant had a large buffet, the type that are commonly found in Nevada casinos. It wasn't like any of the casinos I could recall, and the whole place had a casino/diner feel about it - which was really confusing because the unspecified hotel that we were in was supposed to be a rather nice place.

We were ushered to our seats by a hostess, and we all took our seats. As soon as we did and my ex was assured that his mother was settled, he stood up and asked me to follow him. I looked up and nodded, pushed back my chair and stood up. I smiled at my mother and then his, and followed him out of the restaurant and into the carpeted hallway of the hotel.

Once we were out of eyesight, he took me aside and told me that he was no longer seeing the person he had left me for. I asked him why he told me that. He looked pained and said that he had made a mistake and that he wanted try again. He asked me to come back to him. I told him that I really wasn't sure why I had agreed to this lunch in the first place, but that in all honesty I really didn't want to be friends with him. I told him I was being nice, that I enjoyed his mother's company, and although she had her moments, I respected her. I agreed to this lunch for her, and not for him. He begged me to reconsider and when I continued to refuse, he then physically pulled me into a sitting room down the hallway. He let me go in front of huge picture windows that were framed with flowing drapes of white sheer material. In front of these windows were long pew-like benches arranged in an outdoor theater-style and allowed a view into the courtyard garden below. As he repeated that he had made a huge mistake and wanted to come back to the United States to live with me, I looked out these windows at the greenery, because I couldn't look at his face or into his pleading eyes.

When he paused, I turned an looked at him. I stared at him silently for a moment, thousands of thoughts were whirling in my head. I was conflicted. I desperately didn't want to hurt his feelings and push him away, but simultaneously my anger and hurt were renewed. Out of the many things I wanted to say, both hurtful and amiable, I told him that he had made his bed and that he has to live with the consequences of what he had done. I told him that I used to love him, and some part of me still does. But I am too hurt by how he had left me to ever take him back. I never want to feel again the way I felt when he left me. I told him that I would never disrespect myself that way again.

Behind us while we were talking was a random unidentified brown curly-haired woman with shoulder length hair. She was wearing a professionally tailored rust colored jacket with a matching skirt and a little girl in little white dress with a flower pattern who was about 4 or five years old was holding her hand. It became apparent that she was listening to our conversation, and she tried to nonchalantly sit down behind us while pretending to attend to the little girl beside her. The little girl was in her own little world, but as we talked the woman became less and less concerned with being discrete and was more obviously interested in our conversation. She was leaning in, trying to hear what we were saying as we talked. I didn't care if she was actively listening to us or not and while I wasn't talking loud enough for her to purposely overhear, I wasn't going to acknowledge her or be chased off by her. My ex, on the other hand, was more and more obviously annoyed by her and he wanted privacy. As she became more obvious about listening to our conversation about why I wouldn't reconsider attempting our relationship, I too became frustrated by her lack of discretion. My ex began to glare at her, listening less to me and more paying attention to his frustration about her. They wouldn't leave though and so he started being obnoxious in his very french way by being rude and telling them to go away. I was overtly reminded about the things I didn't appreciate in him while we were together.

He couldn't just ignore things and had to have everything exactly as he wanted it when he wanted it. He had no patience for strangers. He exhibited little understanding for others. Sometimes it seemed as if his life was all about his needs.

The woman finally stood up and left with the little girl. When she did, his attention came back to me and he began to ask me again to come back to him, to give him another chance. I dug my heels into the ground. This wasn't about pride, this was about my health and future well-being. I kept saying no. He didn't listen to me though, he kept asking (just as I did when he left me). None of my answers were good enough for him, so I tried to change the subject. I didn't know what else to say so I asked about our lunch party, reminding him that they must miss us at this point. He said he didn't care and he just wanted to repair the relationship and try to make it work again.

He was becoming more and more desperate and when he realized that I wasn't going to budge and acquiesce, he stood up and dragged me to the plush chairs seated in front of the draped picture windows on the other side of the room. I resisted him as he pulled me, angry and shocked that he grabbed me, demanding to know what right he had to physically yank me. He ignored me as he struggled to pull me all the way to the chairs and once there, he then let go and collapsed, crying.

As he sobbed, he told me how much he loved me and how confused he was. He explained that he hadn't meant the things he had said when he left me. He had said them in order to make himself feel better and to do what he thought was best, to help me let go of him easier. At that point, I started crying too, and told him that I could never forget the things he had said. I couldn't forgive those things because he had said them the way he did, and because he left me in the way he did. In tears, I told him that I could never go back to him. Doing so would disrespect myself. Doing so would legitimize what had happened, and I could not do that. I took a moment that felt like forever and I watched the tears stream down his face and as they fell down mine, and after those seconds of forever, I took a deep breath. I looked into his eyes and told him that I would never forgive him. I could not go back. He reached for me and cried harder and begged me to forgive him, and I quietly and sadly simply whispered no as I pulled away.

And I woke up sobbing. And I cried for a half hour before I fell asleep again.

But strangely, I feel better. After waking up again and still remembering this dream, I know that I am strong enough to know what is right in terms of that relationship. It is over. I am done. We are done. If somehow the world was to turn upside down and he was to ask me back, I know now that I could and would say no. And I know now that I would stick to it and not capitulate. I really can say no, no matter how painful it is. I know that I have let him go. I may dream about him, I may still hold a part of him in my heart, but he is really a chapter of the past, and I have closed that book entirely.

I feel so much better.

As I was thinking about this dream this morning, my mind wandered in the hour or so I sat in bed pondering the thoughts that floated about my head. In one of those thought tangents, I was struck by the oddness of my ex's name. It sounds so foreign now, it seems as if I was never associated with his name in the first place. And, somehow, that distances my association with him. When I say or hear our names together in my head, or now when I say it out loud, or even when I remember hearing others saying our names together when we were a couple, the word no longer resonates. It seems distant, odd, and even wrong now. Did I ever have a relationship with somebody with that name? Yes, obviously. How did that happen? Who was he? Did I ever really know him? For five years we were together, but now, it seems so far away that it doesn't seem like it happened at all.

My feelings, our experiences together, and our lives all still have very strong impressions in my head, but his name is starting to fade. The memory of him isn’t diminishing, but the memory of how his name is and was associated with me is getting dimmer. It’s slipping away. It no longer resonates in my head and mind. The notes are out of sync, and they will probably never be tuned again, the melodic chord has gone flat. It is broken. And now time is starting to wipe it away.

And I am glad. I am letting go. I feel stronger. I feel more confident. The weight on my shoulders is slackening up a bit. I feel like I am finally starting to heal. It's just a little bit, but it's another step forward. This dream was a sign of my inner strength and acceptance. I don't need him, I don't need his legacy of questioning my worth and value. I don't need to continuously feel as ugly as he told me I was. I have learned from him, I have grown from this experience. And now I know I can say that I am heading in a different direction. I am no longer attached to him. Regarding him, I have not and will not be second guessing myself anymore. I have let him go, this dream indicated that. In retrospect, I haven't pining after him for months, and it seems that I already have let him go.

I am done. And yes, there might still be times when the memories will come. There will be times when those memories will be painful or even happy - but they are just memories. I need not cling to them and hope for parallel universes. These memories will not determine or direct my life or my self-esteem. They are flotsam and jetsam, and I have to keep on sailing. I gotta move forward. It's a big, big sea - and I have a lot of distance to cover in the time I have left on this world. I won't live forever, and I have to stop being stuck in the past if I want to live life now.

The only way I will find port is to pull up that anchor, shake off the rubbish - pry off the barnacles, and set up the sail and go. Skiffing takes too long, and makes me reminisce about what had been. I might even have to turn on the engines for this one. But even still, moving on is the key. At least I got that part started. I need to start focusing on what could be because I make it, not what could have been through somebody else. The only way to do that is to make my own journey.

Sail forward.

Don't drag behind.

White Rabbits and White Trash

2008-01-11T00:34:00.001-08:00

My friends and I went to Flex last night. Apparently there are three gay bars in Raleigh.

In the past year, I've been to the other two, but I had never been to this particular one. While on a meandering downtown Raleigh visit with my friend from Atlanta, we decided to go to a bookstore, but didn't know where anything was. I had my Garmin GPS with me and we plugged in the work book into shopping options and the map displayed various bookstores in the immediate area. I was reading out the names of these stores as my friend drove, and one name caught his attention.

White Rabbit Bookstore.

He stopped me, exclaiming, 'Let's go there!'

So we followed the map directions, and as we turned the last corner, we saw a rainbow flag flapping above the windows.

‘Huh,’ I said, “how did you know that?”

“I didn’t” he said, “but I had a hunch it would be interesting.”

“Alice in Wonderland, eh?” I asked.

“Something like that, but honestly, I was thinking more bohemian.”

We both laughed and stepped inside. It was empty except for an African-American man browsing the pornography and a bubbly African-American female clerk. After doing some price checking, where I found that my favorite lube is over twice the price in North Carolina than that in San Francisco ($62 versus $28 for a 500 mL bottle), we perused the cards for a while. We finally made it to the porn and laughed at some of the selections that they had, there was a bargain bin full of porn from the 80’s that we rifled through, laughing at the mullets and the full flowing rock star hair. We compared movie titles we owned and otherwise had a great time.

As we were looking through the books, my friend found a comic book that would be an amusing, if stinging gift for his current boyfriend. Rather tongue in cheek, we giggled as we flipped through the pages. He said he might actually get it as a gag gift, but he wanted to think about it.

We had to get going after not too long though because we had a dinner party at my friend’s place, and it was a 40 minute drive back to their home from downtown Raleigh. As we were leaving, I noticed that there was literature about the gay scene in one corner (as there should be in any respectable queer bookstore), but didn’t pick up a paper as I should have.

Two days later we were driving back in the bookstore. My friend was leaving to head back home to Atlanta and he had decided to get the comic. When we showed up, the clerk, this time a very young blonde tall boy, was smoking outside seemed happy to have customers. He quickly put out his cigarette as we walked in the store. We picked up the comic and went to the counter. My friend asked if it there were other gay establishments in town and the clerk grinned.

“It all depends on what you’re looking for,” he said.

“I just know about one gay bar,” my friend said.

“We have three in Raleigh,” said the clerk defensively.

My friend ignored the defensive tone and I piped up, “Well, neither of us are from here,” I grinned at him and added “obviously.”

He grinned back, asked where we were from, and then began to explain all the gay sights that Raleigh has to offer.

Twenty minutes, a listing of gay coffee shops, a map, and a daily schedule of gay events later, we were on our way to meet up with my friends at the Museum of Natural Sciences. As we got into the car and my hands were full of literature, my friend from Atlanta said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to take so long.”

“Why are you apologizing?” I responded, all that information benefited me. You’re leaving this afternoon.

“I know, but I just couldn’t just leave him while he was talking. He seemed so happy just to be able to talk to somebody.”

I rolled my eyes, but I smiled. “Yeah, he seemed pretty lonely.”

My friend let out a pitiful laugh. “I just didn’t think he would go on that long. Sorry about that.”

“You’re as apologetic as I am.”

Later, as I was going over the weekly itinerary given to me by the clerk, we saw that there was a drag show at a bar called Flex on Thursday nights. We had other plans for every other day, but our Thursday was open and my North Carolina friends were pretty excited about going. ‘We had so much fun at that drag show at Legends the last time we went,’ they said. That was when I was in Raleigh during Thanksgiving a year before. That was an event show, and well performed and executed. This one on this Thursday was themed Trailer Park Thursday and I wasn’t expecting something quite as glossy. I kept my mouth shut though because while my friends have been closer than family since our freshman year of college, they don’t often volunteer to go to queer activities with me.

That Thursday, we dressed up for a night out and headed out to the show which was scheduled for 12:30 at night. As we got closer, I started thinking about the late hour of the show and the potential clientele, especially when taking the website into consideration because it's "Raleigh's Bar for Men.”

I thought out loud on the drive over, ‘I’m not sure if there will be many women at this place,” I was quiet for a second, “If you’re uncomfortable, stick close to me.” I wasn’t so worried about her husband. He often fits in better than I generally do, and in any event, he’s a hell of a lot more social than I am.

We parked and as we walked down the steps into the basement level of this building where the bar is, my trepidation grew. I’m not sure about this, I thought. But I smiled, and confidently paid the cover charge and stepped in, then waited to see if they’d let her in with her husband. They showed up just a moment later.

“I can’t believe they let you in!” I blurted, half-joking, half not. She looked around, saw only men. And smiled really big (in a ‘Oh my god, where the hell am I?’ way) and said, “I can’t believe they did either!”

I asked them both if they wanted a drink. She nodded emphatically, “Yep!”

So I asked them what they wanted, got in line as they shadowed me, and bought the first round of drinks. While we were waiting I leaned over and whispered to them, as well as one could in a loud crowded bar, “This place kind of reminds me of a bathhouse!” And it did. No one was dancing even though the music was fine. Everyone was just talking to each other or otherwise standing off by themselves. The meat market was ripe and just a tad bit stale. I needed a shot, and I asked my friends what they wanted. I got myself a shot of jagermeister and handed them their drinks. Cheers, I said loudly and then swallowed my shot.

I needed the shot even more when I found out what alcohol costs in North Carolina

My friend looked at me, her eyes got even wider and she leaned over to her husband, and said, “Did you just see that? He just downed that!”

I smiled and started walking to the next room. It opened up a bit and I saw a couple of women. I turned to my friend, “See, you aren’t the only one!”

The crowd was starting to get a bit thicker. It was 12:15 or so and the show was going to start soon. About then two men walked into the part of the bar where we were in. I saw them, but didn’t pay too much attention because they were both in their late 40s or early 50s. One of them however, quickly began to stare. He wasn’t subtle, and it was pretty uncomfortable in a very short period of time. He started getting closer, and I began to back up into my friends. He kept staring and I tried to make it clear I wasn’t interested. I purposely looked away from him, but I had to be careful because when I wasn’t watching him, he stepped all that much further closer to me.

At one point he got right in front of me and I moved to the side next to my best friend, hoping that his size would deter this other guy. Nope, it didn’t. He moved in front of me again and tried to back into me. I sidestepped him and stood next to my other friend. He sidestepped again and turned around, almost hitting her in order to put a hand around me.

I stepped a large step back and put my hand up. “No, I’m not interested!” I said emphatically while my friend simultaneously tried to avoid him and also tell him to back off. He turned around again, tried feebly to back into me, but I moved as far away from him as I could next to my friend and still see the stage. He slowly moved away and then slipped into the crowd.

The show itself was much ado about nothing. It rivaled Reno’s pathetic drag, and then some. The white trash theme was rather appropriate. Keeping that in mind, we had a great time. My friends bought me another jager shot and they shared one more smirnoff. After that, the white elephant prizes and poorly practiced lip-syncing seemed a lot more fun.

When the show was over, the crowd cleared out fast. So fast you could almost hear the sucking sound of the resultant vacuum. More good music, and still no one danced – except for me. I was the only one. And I kept it mild. That lasted about 15 to 20 minutes as they watched me without joining in that I gave up and said I was ready to go home.

Next time I’m in Raleigh, we’re going back to Legends. My friends were in full agreement.

de Sitter Expansion

2008-01-10T10:33:00.000-08:00

The text messages from Mr. Wonderful have been rather interesting of late. There is a rapid expansion of intensity and feeling in them, and he is becoming more and more cozy. In this past month, we’ve both texted rather generic things to each other, and although we’ve both done a fair amount of flirting through them, there has been this unspoken expectation of distance. We’ve kept each other at arm’s length, due to the fact that this is new and we neither of us want to seem too eager (especially me) and the fact that he is in a relationship. I still want to keep him a bit at arm’s length, and simultaneously I want to be friends as well as fuck buddies. I don’t want to become emotionally attached to him because of the relationship issue and because I’m still quite sure that I’m not ready right now for anything more with him than I’m already doing.

He however, seems to be letting some of the walls drop. The reserved demeanor is weakening, and his texting is becoming suggestive of further interest. But as soon as that happens, he pulls back and so do I.

We're both reticent to move forward to any direction that could create an emotional predicament. Still, there is the inevitable push, and that shows by the fact that we're both opening up to each other both in person and in print. The evolution of things are rather interesting, and that worries me just a bit. I am having fun though. I feel more confident in myself, and I'm not worried or obsessed over and about him. I like him, but I'm not torn like I was with FM. He likes me too, that is apparent enough, but he's got other things on his plate. That's fine. I'm not going to analyze any of this too much because I'll inevitably complicate things for myself, and I'm not in a place where I need to do that right now.

Things are expanding rapidly. My life is opening up. The universe isn't so opaque anymore. I can see well ahead of me, even if I still don't yet know my goals. I have ideas, and they are coalescing and taking shape, one fragment at a time. There is no big picture, there is no purpose, life just is right now. It is this moment. I have lots of opportunities before me, and living in these moments allows me to see them for the first time in a long time. As I become more confident, as I gather up more pieces, I will become stronger. When it's time to make a decision, I will then have to settle on a direction and begin to move. As I move, I'll collect more pieces to fill in the gaps and my goals will grow and evolve, as will my choices.

Things will begin to take shape again. Order out of chaos.

Mr. Wonderful is a part of my current experience. Who knows what will happen with him and how long this is going to keep. My relationship with him is expanding, as these things tend to do over time when there is regular contact. What that means, I don't know. Where I want it to go ultimately, I don't know. I know right now isn't the right time though for any hopes of futures with him. Right now is the satisfaction of living in the moment. I have that and I like what I have. I don't feel like I need any more. I'm not wanting.

I certainly don't know the future, but I do know that I'm gaining confidence and coming to a place where I feel strong again. I have some big changes to make, I have some hard choices to make, and I have some tough times ahead. My life will constantly be dynamic because the universe continues to pick up speed and expand as I age. It isn't getting smaller, there is no steady-state. For a while I wanted to give up, because I couldn't see beyond the horizon. I'm sure those feelings will continue to come and go, but I can't surrender. I have to grow with it and it's time to get moving.

I just have to break through the inertia.

Childish Lamenting

2008-01-08T12:38:00.000-08:00

I have to go back to work next Monday. I’m not looking forward to it. I am looking forward to meeting new students and teaching, but if only that were independent of my department.

But it’s not, and in order to be able to do what I do now, I have to deal with them too. That part sucks, my 5 year old self laments.

I need to call a professional contact of mine. He has asked be to do a bit of consulting work for the state these past couple of years, and the past couple of projects have been really big reviews of state grants and proposals. He seems to like my work enough to keep asking me back, so perhaps I should use him as a potential springboard into another career.

Being a consultant for a bigwig in the State Department of Education has to provide some job opportunities, right? We’ll see. I’ve never asked, and perhaps now is the time to do so. The state just began a hiring freeze this month, so it may be a while before something opens up, but that may give me time to shore up some of the things that I need to be competitive. Unfortunately, for most of the things I am interested in doing and can do require that I have three years of public teaching experience. I’ve got the Master’s, but don’t have the public experience. I have 8 years of experience in teaching higher ed, but unfortunately that doesn’t translate into public secondary education experience for the State. So I’ve bit of finagling to accomplish. That is why I need to talk to this contact. He might have some ideas of where I might fit, without the need for the public ed experience or he may have ideas on how I can make myself look better on paper in the next six months or so. My years of teaching higher ed coupled with countless invitational courses that I’ve taught on campus in addition to all the consulting work that I’ve done for him and the State in general, there’s got to be something out there for me that pays well (or at least, marginally better than what I make now).

We’ll see. The only way to know is to ask. Doing nothing gets me nowhere so I might as well stop complaining and start acting. Time to slap that 5 year old around (in a very figurative sense!), and get on the ball. I’m going to e-mail him next week and inquire.

Of Contemplative Things

2008-01-07T20:22:00.000-08:00

Mr. Wonderful texted me tonight and was apparently in a very emotional and contemplative mood. I haven't known him long, but in the little more than a month that I have known him, he rarely opens up and this was a rare peek inside.

I was surprised at this unexpected emotional gush and a little suspicious that he might have been a little drunk. The last (and only other) time he opened up emotionally he had a bit too much to drink. I’m not really too worried about his drinking on one level. He’s not an alcoholic from what I can tell, and his drinking is social and appropriate. He’s nothing like FM, and I’m not tempted to compare the two in such a way. However, when Mr. Wonderful has become a little more than buzzed, he drops the walls and lets me inside. He shows me someone who is as insecure as me. He worries that he isn’t good enough, smart enough, successful enough or happy enough. He wants more than he has, but doesn’t know how to get it. He feels that there should be more to life, but isn’t sure what that is, or where he is supposed to find it.

It drives him to tears.

I know how he feels. I’ve been feeling the same helplessness and impotence for months (and even years) now. I want to do something else, to be something better, but I’m so afraid of failing that I do nothing. I’m stuck in the mire of my own limitations, and it’s my own fault. It doesn’t make me a bad or lesser person, it just prevents me from pursuing what I really want. It prevents me from attempting my own dreams.

He seems similarly stuck. He doesn’t show any of this internal emotional muck normally. Indirectly perhaps he does because of relationship complications that I participating in with him, but generally he is pretty emotionally unavailable. I’ve been analogously accused of such foibles, and it drives me to tears too because I know what I’m doing wrong, I just seem incapable of changing my own path.

He is wracked by indecision about his career. He wants to leave his business because he is unhappy, but he doesn’t want the shackles of regular employment. He enjoys the freedoms of self-employment, but isn’t fulfilled by his work nor is he happy with his business partner. Along with that indecision about his career follows uncertainty about his feelings of self-worth, independence, happiness and security. I have to say that I empathize with him in the general sense, if not specifically in some categories.

I replied that the eve of any proposed transition is unsettling, and regardless of what is going on, he needs to talk with somebody. Talking out ideas helps to crystallize perspective in a way that is generally healthy. He has more strength than he gives himself credit, and he has more resources than he realizes.

While extrinsically generic, it's true. We all know these things about ourselves. The trick is believing in them - believing in ourselves.

Silent Regret

2008-01-06T09:52:00.000-08:00

I've lost inspiration and I'm drifting a bit. I know that the drama I've been living in is my own, and I know that I make my own future. I'm having difficulty focusing - on writing, on talking, on my friends, and my future. I go through the motions, but I'm pretty numb. I don't feel much of anything. I'm as emotionally unavailable as the people I'm bonding with. I bond with emotionally unavailable people.

I am frightened of dynamicism.

I want to shake this off. I know I am supposed to just be able to stand up and shrug off these feelings. But for some reason I can't. For some reason I stay stuck in the mire that I've constructed for myself. For some reason every step I take towards solid ground, I find myself caught even deeper than before. As I move forward, the spongy dank mire grows ever wider, and I find myself forced to consider what has trapped me.

Myself.

My own choices are the root of my insecurity. My own choices are the reasons for my loneliness. I want to run, to disappear. I want to be safe, to get lost, to be an unknown.

I want to be happy, to find myself, to be loved by others.

I want to believe in what others tell me. I want to believe in myself. I don't believe anyone.

Since traveling back East, my circadian rhythm has been pushed off kilter and I've stopped sleeping yet again. I'm trying to get myself back into a schedule, so that I can sleep in sync with the rest of the humans around me, but it's not the easiest thing to do.

Last night was worse night of insomnia that I've had since I left home. By the time 4 o'clock in the morning rolled by, I gave in and took an extra dose of sleeping medication to force myself into unconsciousness. As I stared at the ceiling, at least another half-hour rolled by before I drifted off.

I woke up several times in the night even under the influence of the double dose of the Lunesta. Every time I opened my eyes, I found myself surrounded in the sights and the smell of FM. I was hallucinating in my sleep and in the shallow skiff of brief unconsciousness, I dreamt of FM. These dreams last night felt so real, and I woke up several times in the night hyperventilating and sweating.

I had this same dream over and over again.

In each of these dreams last night, I asked FM to stop drinking and his roommate was making excuses for him. He simultaneously wanted me to simplify - to calm down, to stop wearing my intelligence on my sleeves. He said he knew he was destroying himself, but at least he was willing to admit it.

And he's right.

He pushed because I pushed. He said he loved though I couldn't. He was distant and so was I.

The worst thing is that I still care what he thinks. The guy is a jerk... and I still let him have power over me. He doesn't even know his legacy on my psyche.

There is a part of me that wants to contact him a couple of years to see where he is. There is a part of me that doesn't want to let him go, and I haven't - at least emotionally. In the fairytale land of movies and happy endings, I'm supposed to write a song and make everything better. I'm supposed to figure out how to reach in and help him, and simultaneously help myself. I'm supposed to be special. To lead. To take charge and take care of others.

I'm supposed to do what I think is right. I'm supposed to be brave.

And I am not any of those things. I am sapped of strength. I have been for a long time.

So why did I not wait? Why couldn't I wait? Why was I not strong enough? Can I be stronger if I just will it? And does it really matter anymore? There are appropriate times, and this no longer is that time. It isn't because I am not right for him, nor he for me. He isn't because he couldn't clean himself up. It isn't because I couldn't fix myself or be patient.

It isn't because the universe didn't sync up correctly.

I didn't want to be there to aide him through his transition - both because he wasn't ready and because he wasn't interested in adding more complication to my life. I threw him away.

I feel shallow and limited. I feel like a horrible person. I'm still beating myself up. I'm still second-guessing myself.

I'm still obsessing - silently. Privately. Regrettably.

This is the crux of my regret. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel besides emptiness and sadness. What do I fear? What might aide me through this besides just sucking up my leaking heart and trudging on? How do I set my fears aside?

How do I dry up this private regret?

Jumbled

2008-01-03T18:51:00.000-08:00

We're on the long drive back to Eastern North Carolina from Asheville. I been along for this ride, and haven't paid much attention to where I was, other than being in a place in a moment. In my last two relationships, I was the one who spent a lot of time planning what we'd be doing and where... and now, I just don't care that much. It's nice to just let go and be somewhere, anywhere - without really having to make the plans or be responsible for what and where I'm going. Just send me the bill, I'll figure out what I'm doing as it happens. I don't want to make the plans.

So it came as a complete surprise to me when I realized that Asheville is less than two hours from where my biological father lives. There is a part of me that wants to go see him, just so that I can tell him that I turned out all right without him. That's it. No other agenda. I just want to tell him that his refusing to have contact with me these past 14 years is his loss, his fault - and that I'm not going to change for him or because of him. There is nothing that I owe him.

But, in that vein, I don't need to talk to him either. I don't owe him this little thing, this bit of either. I don't need to tell him anything. He took away so much, and then just disappeared from my life. For that I don't need to offer him, give him, or ask him anything.

He gave me nothing as a child other than fear and self-loathing. After I was fourteen, I never saw him again. I grew into adulthood without him. I went to college without him. I've been married without him in my life, and then I've been divorced without him. I've changed my life, attempted suicide twice, survived almost two decades of abuse and abandonment, came out of the closet, started a career, and am about ready to start over - all without him.

He wants nothing of me and he pretends as if I don't exist. The only thing that I have of his legacy is his insecurity. I however, self-depreciate while he rips and tears others around him. He is a hateful, spiteful, pitiful man. He is cruel and angry. He's driven his wife to drink and his 17 year old daughter to anti-psychotic drugs and a severe motivational disability. He has tossed his son aside.

Why do I want to say to him directly that I am doing all right? It's because I want to exorcise him from my life. I want to put the past behind me. I want to tell him that he's been an ass. I want him to feel some guilt. I want to stop feeling guilty, believing that I must have done something wrong to have driven him to this. I know intellectually that I did nothing wrong, but emotionally, I'm still jumbled - even after all of these years.

So why am I driven to talk to this man for whom I have so little regard? I pity him, and I'm angry at him. He has the ability to do such good in the world, and through all this time and even now he's so damned selfish. He's stomped on and shit on the people who loved him, and soon he's going to be a lonely, lonely old man who is bereft of any warmth and companionship. He's so close to being left completely alone.

And why do I care?

Because he's my father.

And even though he's tossed me aside like yesterday's newspaper, I don't need to do the same. I keep some small hope that perhaps maybe there is a glimmer of humanity left in him. Is there a shred of remorse? Are there still feelings that exist in his heart? How can I ever know unless I sit down with him one day and look into his eyes and say that I forgive him? Saying that will at the very least give me some closure and at the best, open the door to a whole new relationship. These scars can't be healed overnight, but they can heal. Even now they can heal. I am the son, but I am no longer a child. I can take the initiative and go force a meeting.

But I didn't and I won't any time soon. Why not? Because he is my father, and that really is his responsibility. I don't have to be the one in charge or the one fixing all the problems, perceived or real. I can learn to go with the flow, let the water in the stream putter as it may, and not try to forge new paths on my own. Perhaps later when I'm more confident, more put together. Not now though. The risk of not doing this now is that I may never get the chance. Who knows what may happen in the future, and who knows if I or he will ever get the chance to make things right. I have waited almost two decades, and I can wait awhile longer. There is no real hurry because I am not ready. He obviously isn't either. Until at least one of is inclined to take a step forward, we'll both be trapped in our mutual past.

Segue to Vacation

2008-01-02T22:03:00.001-08:00

The past two days I've been in Asheville, NC. Basically I got off the plane, my friends picked me up, and we picked up an additional friend (and I took a quick shower) then we drove across the state to the beautiful Grove Park Inn.

The grounds are beautiful and the Inn is remarkable. It really is a gorgeous building. Generally valued at over $400 to $700 a night, the enterprising friend found a discount for $99 at this five star hotel. Not bad. And with three out of four of us being educators, it's astounding.

Unfortunately though, it's not spectacular, and the reason is due to the fact that we toured the Biltmore Estate today. (I'd upload a picture but the ticket stubs I purchased [and doing so apparently signed my life away] to gain access to tour the estate expressly forbid using any picture for any purpose other than for solely personal. Sadly, this means that I can't show the pictures I took with my camera to others ever - but I can jack off on them. That, happily, wasn't directly expressly forbidden. Not that I'd do that, of course. Do click on the website or google it if you've never heard of the place. The pictures don't do it justice, it's awesome.) This place is beyond spectacular it's the summation of the American Dream, the American Corporate Enterprise, the American Delusion of Self-Grandeur (which in this case wasn't so deluded), the American Desire for Historical Relevance, and American Pompous Grandiosity all wrapped into one 3000 acre package.

It's that big.

And I'm no size queen. Seriously. It's huge.

Wow.

I don't usually blow smoke about such things because I'm only a mild amateurish architectural fan and a personal decor dunce. This place, however was richly designed and decorated in multiple styles and themes that can probably speak to just about anybody who has a passing interest in historical value, especially turn of the century American aristocratic culture. At this point, I have to pause and say that when describing the latter, I have no such qualifications.

In other news Reno has just been issued a blizzard warning, and there hasn't been such a weather advisory there for years. While I'm truly saddened that I'll miss the potential opportunity to miss out on a blackout in sub-zero temperature for untold hours, I have to say that North Carolina isn't all that much warmer right now. It's downright frigid here!

And a breezy humid frigid at that! BRRRR!!!

Sex is how you make me feel beautiful*

2008-01-01T03:58:00.001-08:00

*Gleaned from PostSecret.com.

A woeful message, but this is apparently the crux of my problem.

It's been a long night, I've not slept for 23 hours, and I was browsing the web randomly searching desperately for entertainment as I tried to stay awake. This is one of the things I found. Sadly, it spoke to me.

Some of the whispers bear sad truths.

Hopefully it isn't an omen

2008-01-01T01:02:00.000-08:00

I'm stuck at Chicago's O'Hare airport. I sat on a plane for eight hours (four hours overdue)and watched the New Year ring in from inside a plane on the tarmac after landing while being forced to sit. Now it's three in the morning (central time) and I'm wide awake and sitting on the floor in the airport overnight waiting for a flight out to Raleigh tomorrow at 7 o'clock in the morning.

Please don't let this be an omen symbolizing how this year will go!

In the air again!

2007-12-31T11:51:00.000-08:00

I'm off to North Carolina, and hopefully I can figure out some of the difficult things that have been floating around in my head about my friendships and my life. I have friends who are my family, more my family than blood has ever offered me. I must figure myself out, I must figure out my muddled feelings.

Speaking of muddled feelings, I received a text message from my ex-husband today. His birthday is today. I still haven't responded.

Do as I say... Not as I do

2007-12-30T16:14:00.000-08:00

I've decided to let the tension out and just accept things for as they are. The comment made on one of the most recent posts is something that I've heard before, but haven't paid much direct attention to - I am constantly wandering from relationship to relationship.

Now, depending on who is giving the advice, some would have me go cold turkey for a while from men. I'm not really okay with that. I am a bit of a sexaholic, and I do need that in my life. My hand only goes so far. So I have to make a choice: give sex up for a while and just explore being by myself or continue having sex but not allow myself to be a free radical, not for myself or for others. Of course I have at least one more choice in this non-binary world, and that is ignore all this good advice and do nothing by continuing my way along the path I've been walking. That, however, is certainly self-destructive. That is a choice I really don't want to consciously make.

However, to make a choice that leads to self-confidence and independence, I need to use some of the tools I learned these past two years and make a separation of sex and emotional directive. While this may not be heterosexual normative, this is something that I've come more and more to accept. There is nothing wrong with being sexually active, there is something wrong with being sexually needy.

Mr. Wonderful invited me to stay the night last night.

I took him up on it. Not because I needed sex, or even needed to feel sexual. I've got plenty of opportunities for that. And besides, we were already naked together and lying on his couch watching PBS. He didn't have to ask me to stay. I did appreciate the warmth of sleeping with another human being. I appreciated more than that.

Apparently I'm not very good at making the distinction between sex and emotional directive.

Damn.

In the beginning...

2007-12-28T20:29:00.000-08:00

So I'm trying out some of the things that I've been talking about these past several months. I'm going out to bookstores, working on projects, and flirting.

Innocent things. Nothing over the top, nothing too overwhelming. Just trying the confidence on for size to see how it fits. It's a bit loose and baggy right now, but given enough time - I might just grow into it.

I went to Borders Bookstore to work on some State of Nevada Department of Education grant proposals that I'm supposed to have read and judged by January 4th. I've not been very productive at home because I keep getting distracted by t.v., gaming, pornography, and um, blogging. So instead of wasting my time at home getting nothing really accomplished, I instead packed up the paperwork and notebook computer and lugged it across town to the commercial bookstore because they have a really nice cafe where I can work without it being distracting because it's too loud or too quiet.

I've also learned through several reliable sources (the LOGO channel, gay cinema, and various queer plays) that eligible intelligent gay bachelors will sometimes frequent these places to meet similar people. Not for hooking up, but just to meet others who are like themselves, uncomfortable with the bar scene, frightened of the on-line scene, and otherwise socially awkward. So, not the best place to try cruising, but I wasn't there for cruising. Borders is a nice place now, there is only one in Reno, my ex-husband no longer works there, the book selection is reasonable (albeit corporate) and there is real food at the cafe when the mood strikes. I went there to get some work done, but if someone just happened to catch my eye, I was bound and determined to not avert my gaze in shameful fear, and instead actually look at them in the face and smile.

That was a lot easier said than done. Remember, this is Reno. A quick look can easily get one a punch in the mouth. Especially at a place where there is a mixed crowd, there are no guarantees on my gay-dar. It comes as is without warranty, and it has known to be wrong.

Still, I had an excuse to sit down in one place and not look conspicuous. I was surrounded by paperwork and I really was busily reviewing the grant proposals, jotting down notes, and preparing thoughtful responses on my handy-dandy little rubric.

When I sat down at about 2, I immediately noticed a handsome man reading a newspaper in the corner by one of the windows. Hmm. There was something about the way he was sitting. I noticed that he watched me sit down and little bells rang in my head. Hmmm. Normally, I wouldn't notice such things because I'm so wrapped up in trying to be inconspicuous. Today though, I was paying attention and I immediately picked up on it. I was however, still uncertain - and I was there to work. So I pulled out my paperwork and got to work. Every so often I pulled my nose out of reading and looked around. He was seated behind me, so I couldn't easily or non-chalantly look at him unless I pretended I was stretching... and I could only get away with that for so long.

I worked for about an hour before he stood up and walked towards the store. As he walked by, I looked up and smiled and he smiled back and walked away as I went back to reading. While he was gone, my favorite table opened up by one of the bay windows and I headed over to that seat so that I could have my back to the window and better people watch as I got stuff done. After some time he made his way back to the cafe with books in hand and looked around, I looked up, caught his eye and gave him a weak grin. He looked at me while pretending not to, and sat down facing my direction. He began to read and didn't look up for a while, even though I was furtively looking at him.

So I went back to work. Every so often I'd look up and he'd be looking in my general direction, not quite looking at me, or he'd be reading. I couldn't tell really what he was looking at. At one point his phone started ringing relatively often and he was up and down with it, he was conscientious enough to leave the cafe section to talk on it, and he'd pace at the partition for awhile and then sit down again. This went on for hours.

At one point he got up and left. I thought he had left for good, but twenty minutes later he came back. He headed for a comfy chair under the windows just outside of my field of vision, so I went back to work. I worked for another hour or so and then my notebook computer began to run out of battery. Finally, I got as much as I could done before I was forced to close it up and call it finished for the evening. As I got up, he looked up at me and at the very same time, his phone rang again.

So he got up as I packed up my things and I headed out the door to put away my backpack so I didn't have to cart it around the store. As I walked by the windows near the magazine rack, I could see that he was watching me and his shoulders slumped as I made eye contact. I placed my backpack in the trunk, turned around and headed back into the store. As I walked by the window again, we again made eye contact and his shoulders when back up. I wanly smiled at him as I walked by, but when I knew he couldn't see me, I smiled a lot bigger to myself. Yup, this game was real. He really was looking, and I wasn't just deluding myself.

I made it back into the store, and I nonchalantly made my way to the cafe counter for a drink. He had sat himself back down and wasn't looking at me, and I had no real reason to go sit down again, so I didn't. Looking back, I should have just picked up a couple of magazines to pretend I was looking at them now that we both knew that we were looking, but I'm still learning this, and I didn't think of that then.

Anyway, he had sat down and looked as if he was reading his book (and now that I think about it, he was probably playing the game I should have thought of). So I went book browsing. I was out of line of sight for about 10 minutes when I looked up and saw him walking towards me... and then past me. He headed to the cashier and when I realized that, I sauntered over to the bargain books, located conveniently near the check stands. He didn't look my way much, and I was about to give up the game when I looked up and realized that he had finished purchasing his books and was looking straight at me. I wasn't prepared for that and quickly did what is normally in my nature, I quickly looked away.

I recovered, and he was still looking at me, and so I looked back. I moved a tiny bit closer, but let him do most of the work of coming towards me. I was trying this out, not willing to jump completely into the fire just yet. It wasn't all for one. He walked along an aisle adjacent to the one I was in, and pretended to look at a book. I walked his direction, and low and behold, we met up at the end of the bookshelf.

He said 'Hi' first, and we started a conversation. He immediately said that he was from out of town visiting family and that he was leaving the next morning. I welcomed him to Reno, lamely, and started shivering. I blamed it on the cold outside, which he bought because he was from Dallas and it was snowing outside - and I had just been out there to drop off my backpack. I shivered throughout the conversation, which was lame although the conversation was nice. We compared books, he asked was I was doing with all of that paperwork, I asked him how he liked Reno, we compared careers. He works for IBM, I work for the University.

And then his family called and stated that they were outside and ready to pick him up. He wasn't walking back to his hotel because of the snow. He told me that he'd ask for my card, but he wasn't coming back to Reno, but it was nice to meet me. I told him likewise and then shook his hand.

And that was that.

It's that simple. And I was a nervous wreck. I met a stranger. I took a risk to just talk to someone with no intention of anything else. It took six hours from the time I saw him to the time I talked to him. I wanted to be open to starting a conversation, and there I was, on my very first try being able to do that - even if it took forever. It won't always be that simple. It doesn't have to be that complex either. This experience shows that I can do it though, "I can!" said this little engine.

It's got to start somewhere.

Shooting Rubber Bands at the Stars

2007-12-27T00:30:00.000-08:00

I made it back into civilization from the black, black hole that is my hometown. (I'm not saying that because I'm depressed, because Alturas is a one-horse, poke town filled with the white trash from which I continue to urgently and frantically distance myself.) It still lacks cell phone network coverage of my carrier! Between that, sheer distance from general civilization and lack of a stoplight, I'm reminded why I continue to choose to measure the time between visits in years.

Upon cresting the hill near Susanville in my mad-dash back to Reno, I received a text from Mr. Wonderful that had been in cold storage in my inbox from Christmas. It asked how I was doing, asked how my family was, asked how my trip was going - and then referenced his boyfriend leaving town.

Sigh.

After some small-talk chatting through text about work and travels, he got straight to the point. He's interested in the fucking. Damn. I like him, but there are plenty of single men out there who are interested in fucking. I can get that anywhere. We've had several 'dates' that didn't include sex in the past couple of weeks, but I think that those meetings (while fun and stimulating) are my own red herrings distracting me from what I really know. He's not available emotionally. Stop falling for him.

I need to back up. I need to let him know that I need to back up. I'm scared shitless telling him, but it's going to be for my own good. How can I destroy something that I don't really have in the first place? Good question. When I figure out that I can't and then convince myself of that, then I'll let myself know. Until then... breathe.

And get some perspective.

He likes me, he tells me I'm smart, funny, engaging and attractive. I feel exactly the same about him. Hours feel like minutes with him when we're talking over dinner or a cup of coffee at a cafe. The problem is that I'm shooting off good energy and time with someone who is emotionally unavailable. He has a boyfriend. I am not that person. We're 'dating' as if he's single... and my mind and heart are confused. My mind tells me that this is a fun short-term way to have great sex and practice dating without being potentially locked down in a relationship if and when I move from Reno. I really shouldn't be playing this field with single men, because I might get myself stuck and in trouble because of the potential complications of the heart and my fear and distaste of hurting others. My heart tells me that I'm already in a complicated mess and that I am in dire need to backpedal or get prepared to take an inappropriate risk and try to aim farther.

The problem is that I might as well be aiming for the stars because I don't want to be the wedge in his pre-existing relationship. The problem is that I'm having the best sex I've ever had in my life. The problem is that I don't want to let go because I like him. The problem is that I know I had better let go, or I'm going to get myself into major trouble, at the very least, emotionally.

So, if I want to continue this because I don't want to let go, I'm going to have to disengage those emotions. If I do that, then the usefulness of this as a dating experience is negated, and there is no point in pretending that it has educational value. I also have to remind myself that I am human and have significant difficulty disengaging emotionally once I have begun the process, and to try to deny such will be emotionally tumultuous in itself. That probably isn't worth the effort - or the sacrifice of my soul.

Also important is the fact that I'm not doing this independently or in a vacuum, there is at least one other human being factored into this (if not two). He has his own feelings, attachments and agenda. I don't know what they are, but I'm not prone to intentionally causing him grief or hurting him either. Additionally I have to remember what I wrote yesterday. I have to stop thinking of myself as second best, and get some self-esteem. I may not be in a position to do that with such a sacrifice, and I would certainly shatter my self-image more than it already is if I'm party to anything destructive.

If I stop this, I would no longer be second guessing myself on this topic. Currently the proposition of my mind that told me that I can do this just for fun has obviously been more than just tempting because I've been listening to it and following its advice. My heart is getting louder though and the cacophony of the two schools of thought are beginning to become overwhelming. Do I ignore my heart and continue on my merry way? Or do I ignore my head and change course?

The 'what ifs' are so tempting.

I need to aim for something reasonable. The 'what ifs' are the just stars, and are as innumerable and as distant from me as those bloated spheres of matter belching out gas into space.

The arguments proffered by my mind are as flimsy as rubber bands, but are binding my current choices and reality together rather well. Looking more deeply however, the reasons binding my current choices are also as impermanent as those metaphorical rubber bands. Not only do they not hold much together before snapping, but no matter what the balance or how delicately one wraps a band around an object, it can snap at any time through the decomposing forces of time. The more bands, the more immediately secure, but all will eventually fail. They are not permanent.

A relationship based on sex isn't permanent. He is engaging, but not emotionally available. So why am I attracted to him? What makes him different from FM or from my ex? The sex with FM was alright. There was no sex with my ex. Am I repeating old patterns? Am I simultaneously purposely and subconsciously choosing somebody whom I find myself maneuvering into second guessing my worth and value again? Why am I attracted to such people?

The catch here is that he seems emotionally available... until I analyze what is actually going on. He laughs at my jokes. He wants me to know about things about his everyday life and experience that he knows that I'll find interesting. He wants to talk with me and have me talk to him. He wants my company.

But they're all on his terms. At arms length. He let me in once... and then he seemed rather embarrassed and uncomfortable with it. He hasn't yet extended a similar opportunity again. Now, in all fairness, I understand this - I have done the same thing over and over again to others.

I need to make up my mind. I've had a couple of conversations with him where I have stated that I am uncomfortable with the way things are going. I like him, but I don't know how far to take it and I know that I have limits and boundaries. I just don't know where they are, for him or for me. I can't keep having those conversations with him without sounding indecisive or needy. I don't want to be either of those. I seem to have three choices at my disposal. I want to make this work as it is on the surface, simply a sexual relationship, or I want it to be something deeper. If I/we want it to be something deeper, then I need to somehow take the difficult path fraught with potential danger by figuring out (with him) how to find him on similar ground. Or I need to back up and walk away because I choose not to stroll through a minefield.

Damn. Why can't I just keep having sex with him and just get over it? Sometimes it seems like it'd be so much simpler being shallow and vapid.

Rumbling Thoughts

2007-12-26T18:01:00.000-08:00

There is so much going on in my head, so much insecurity. I have to begin to manage this, to start sorting it out and making choices that are good for me for the long-term, not just the short term.

How, pray tell, do I do that?

Starters. Stop thinking of myself as a loser. My choices thus-far, both recently and the distant past have stemmed from the fact that I've hated myself because I don't think I'm good enough to deserve better. Better what? Better everything.

I choose to spearhead, participate and overload my volunteerism and social projects to help me feel better about myself by proving myself constantly. I've convinced myself that I can't find a better career. I don't feel self-sufficient. I've convinced myself that it's okay to be second wife in relationships. I continue to find myself taking the backseat with men, whether for emotional intimacy or for sexual intimacy. I'm afraid of putting myself out in front of most men, and those who I am not afraid of, I seem to get used by. There are others who try to get in, but I don't let them past the door, and I may never know who they really are. The risk is too great, and I'm too overwhelmed and overextended. I've convinced myself that there is something intrinsically wrong with me, and the only tools I have to deal with that are distracting myself and others, covering up, and giving up.

I make myself my own failure - if I can do that, I can make myself my own success as well.

Secondly, I need to stop deferring to others. My low self-esteem forces me to hide on the sidelines, to forget about my own needs and look at the needs of others. I meet my needs furtively, secondarily, and with guilt.

I defer to the needs of others because I always have this nagging feeling that they deserve more, need more, and therefore get more. I defer to others because I don't have any faith in myself, and I get overwhelmed. I defer to others because I've convinced myself that I'm short, ugly and stupid. I defer to others because I feel that I continuously make poor choices because I'm needy and selfish, and I have to balance that ego with acts of altruism.

To make up for these things, I've tried to overcompensate in my relationships by refusing to 'look weak'. I refuse to let others take care of me. I refuse to let others support me. I refuse to let others in. I try to be a rock, and instead, I come out looking and feeling like a sponge. I constantly feel like I'm fighting to prove myself by meeting the needs of someone else at the expense of my own needs.

It's my own shit I'm wallowing in, and I need to buck up and nut up.

Thirdly, I need to re-establish some goals. What do I want out of life? Where do I want to be in the future? Where do I want to be now? I need to figure out where I'm going in life. I need to assemble all the parts of my career and make something new. I need to figure out who I want in my life, my friends, my family, my future...

Going back to my previous posts and my hopes from the distant past, I still have hope for the white picket fence. I want to settle down with someone who I understand and who understands me. Everyone wants that, but the distinction is that I still want this, even after all this wretched trying. The question is though, do I want that picket fence now, or do I want to live this life of a single gay man, with the sexual freedom of expression to which I still have access?

I'm not looking for Prince Charming, and I'm not looking to be swept away (I'm no longer that naive), but I am looking to find someone interesting and available. Damn, let them just be interesting and available! Why is that such a tall order?

Because maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I have to make this choice whether I'm ready or not. Kind of tough if I don't know what I want though. Even more tough if I haven't stepped out of the shadows to assemble my shattered self-esteem into something manageable yet.

And fourthly, I need to do some growing up and determine what my values are and start living by them. The classic and cliche 'Am I an intrinsically good person' question rumbles through my head. What drives me and my self-hatred? What drives my accomplishments? I do need to move out of Reno for one very good reason, I'm bogged down my archaic and heterosexual norms, defining my value, my principles, and my self-esteem by these small town values. Here, I'm a hypocrite. Someplace else, someplace metro, I'd fit right in. There would be a larger gay community. I'd meet others like me, and I'd finally belong.

What a dream that is.

Perhaps moving to another place with small-town values (or staying in Reno) is a poor choice. I'd just end up right where I am now again. I'd end up re-living the same mistakes, the same confusion, the same delusion. I am so scared.

Oh Jesus? How do I start without giving up? How do I keep this level of need ensuring that my intentions and goals don't evaporate as some volatile spirit? How do I make it work and move forward? How do I step forward?

My stomach hurts.