Pogonip and Playa Dust

Friday, July 31, 2009

Crossroads again

My emotional self has been torn in half, and my rational self is not feeling too differently right now. As more and more time passes (has it only been a week?) since running into Soul Mate, my jumbled emotions are beginning to settle. They're settling in a place that I don't want to accept, but settling nonetheless in a place where I'm realizing that he no longer loves me, and if he does, he's strongly influenced by negative opinions of others. It hurts, and I don't want to think it, I don't want to believe it, but I'm beginning to accept these beliefs as the most probable ones.

I base this reluctant acceptance on one basic premise. I would never have treated someone I care about as dismissively as he acted with me. I have never ignored someone in such manner, and more importantly, I would never treated someone who I once loved, loved, or proclaim to love in such a way. At the receiving end, I can't help but feel total rejection, and even if it isn't what he intended, that is how I interpreted it.

I am at a crossroads yet again. There is a part of me now that wants to let go, to say good-bye, even if I never talk to him again. I can't be abandoned again. Not again. I know I've fixated on him, as I always do with men with whom I fall in love. In the past, I have accepted the pain and hoped for the best anyway. I would have still tried. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that this time.

I've turned down two important job opportunities because they weren't in the Bay Area and I didn't want to leave the area because of the possibility that things may work out between the two of us. However, this recent rejection makes me question my resolve to stay and be available. Is he worth it? Is my career worth a relationship with him? Is staying in San Francisco more than just this one issue, my need to be close to him, or is it something much more complicated? If staying here really is a single issue, than what does it say about me that I continue to give up everything, my future, my dreams, my needs, in order to just hang on to the hope that we may have a future together again?

And these questions are not just moot. I'm having to consider relocation again. It's just in the first stages at this point, but I've been offered an interview at CSU Channel Islands for a position in my field, and I know I have a very good chance of landing it because of my experience and background. If the position is offered, do I say no again, or should I actually relocate?

I need to stop deceiving myself about why I'm staying in San Francisco. I do want to be near Soul Mate. I have hope that despite our torrid past, there is a future. However that hope faded significantly after my last encounter with him. Faded so significantly that I'm now questioning my whole reason for staying in San Francisco.

I have a friend who loves me very much, but I do not return his feelings of love. I've known him for about a year now, and while we never actually dated, we did become sexually intimate when we met. He hoped for more, and I wanted to stay friends. He asked for more, and I said no. For a while late last year he needed to cut me out of his life to try to reassess his needs and feelings, and I understood and respected his needs. I wasn't hurt, though I did feel the loss of his friendship. It's just that I totally understood the uncertainty and unstable ground on which he felt he was standing. He needed space, and I needed boundaries.

When we had met, we instantly felt a connection, we both trusted each other, and that has led to some of the difficult times between us. I have been brutally honest with him, about how I do not requite his feelings, about how I am often puzzled by his behavior, how he often mystifies me. It seems that he has been honest about his too, sharing his confusion, his attempts to find stability, his sadness about my exploration into other relationships though he expresses his desire to ensure that I am happy.

Through all of this, our friendship was finally stabilizing, and from my perspective, we both finally found a place where we both could accept what was and be friends. I talked to him about soul mate often, partially because I wanted to ensure the boundaries were well established, and partially because I did need his sage advice. He knows this, and I've been very honest about it with him. He mentioned today that he knows I think of him like a brother, but although he would like more, he is continuing to try to accept the limitations that I have put on our friendship. I can't explain exactly why I can't go further with him, but up through now I can't explain either why we are still friends. I know that often such tempestuous friendships dissolve because of the feelings and sense of inequality. Ours hasn't, and has actually become stronger because of this constant testing, both of us trust each other more now than before. Although my feelings towards him romantically haven't changed, I now consider him closer than family.

I write all of this because he offered me something last night. He offered to take care of me. He said that he knows I will never love him the way he wants me to love him, but it was time someone took care of me, after I took care of so many for so long. He offered me a room in his home in Los Angeles, to pay for my expenses and bills, and to pay for me to go back to school to get the credentialing I need to teach public school. I immediately told him no, of course, but he told me to really think about it. To actually process it before dismissing his offer. He said that the offer was not time dependant. He wasn't expecting me to accept it now, for he said he knows that I have many unresolved issues with Soul Mate. However, if I came to a place where I realized that San Francisco was not a place for me just for the time it took to restart my career, or otherwise get to a place where I could begin teaching again, his home was open without expectations. He said that I could take him up on the offer months from now, a year from now, or further.

He talked about just wanting to see me happy, wanting to see me in the career I want to be, wanting to see me volunteering again. He said he sees me dying right now, fading, losing myself without the parts that have always anchored me in the past. He mentioned various needs I recognize: my need to help people, to take care of a significant other, and to be in a fulfilling career. Without those parts, I begin to fail because I begin being self-destructive. So much of my energy is wrapped up in being co-dependant in order to focus my abilities and my identity, that once parts begin to slip, it all slips. I begin feeling like the monster I struggle so hard to deny, avoid, and atone for.

I have cursorily been offered a free ride before, by a man who wanted to keep me, to own me in my late teens. There was no way. I was again recently offered a free ride by Soul Mate, and I struggled against it, every step of the way because I needed to feel independent and strong - and then it was proven to be false when he threw me out and demanded all former agreements to be null and void. So this time, again I waiver. I have grown to trust my friend from LA, though. I loathe to admit it, but I do need to be taken care of right now. My whole world has fallen apart, everything I know is gone. I've made some terrible choices, and he and I have talked at length about how these very choices are the ones that have gotten me into the trouble that I am in now. I need to give up being strong for the moment. I need help.

But I still struggle. I can't just accept help from anybody, even close friend whom I trust. Ever since I was a very small child, help has come a great and often terrible cost. I fear such tolls, and I rightly often should. And although in the past I would have, and have dismissed any overtures of assistance, I am finding myself thinking, weighing, assessing, considering his proposal. He asked at a time when he knows I'm most vulnerable. I know this. I also know that it's the time when one should offer help. If I wasn't vulnerable and in need, there was be no reason to offer assistance. Also, right now with the emotional distress and, in truth, defeatism that I'm experiencing right now with my feelings about Soul Mate, there is a significant part of me that just wants to run.

A part of me wants to say to Soul Mate, "Fuck you for abandoning me when I needed you most. Fuck you for putting me in a place where I have little choice but to feel like crap. Fuck you for being such an asshole." Then another part of me realizes that I am just as much as an asshole, in various different ways. And yet another part of me reminds myself that I'm feeling angry and rejected, and all of my feelings are just a part of my anger, my fear, my hope, and my pride.

I need to get beyond all of this and I need to heal. I need to get to a place of self-sufficiency to do that though, and until I can get back on my feet, I will continue to feel upside down. The irony in this is that I may have to accept help to get to a place of self-sufficiency though. I can certainly do all of this on my own, I know this, I've gotten as far as I have by my own ambitions and hard work all on my own. But doing this alone will take a long time, and if I don't want to take the time and the hard road to get back on my feet, then I can actually accept help. I don't have to be prideful, and I don't have to allow myself to be held back by feelings for a person who does not love me.

I hate to admit it, and it still hurts so terribly to say it, to write it, to feel it, but soul mate probably does not love me. Holding on to him is destructive, and I've already been self-destructive enough as it is. I will wait until the initial time that he stated that it was going to be okay to talk to him, and even though I probably destroyed that time and pushed back the date when I stopped and hope to just say hello, I can only wait until then. If he is not receptive to communication by August 11 (and missing my birthday tomorrow is only more salt in my very open wounds), then I will say good-bye.

I am at a crossroads. I can continue on this road to nowhere, this path of ruin, or I can take that road less taken. I have begun by setting my sights on goals again, but now I can start making choices rather than just allowing myself to ride on inertia. I have some crossroads coming up. I need to make better choices. I have some to make. I will survive this. I will somehow come out of this. I can accept help. I can be strong. I can do both simultaneously.

5:13 PM

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Sunday, July 26, 2009

And Again,

I bumped into soul mate again this morning (why does it always have to happen in batches?), but this time I didn't stop even though he was alone. Granted I was just getting off the muni at Castro station, and he was just walking in to get on, but it was clear he saw me just as I saw him. I couldn't try to talk to him again after such a grand show of rejection last night. It was so very painful, that I can't put myself through that right away.

I wrote the letter. It will have to be my way of reaching out. Going up to him again just to be ignored would drive me over the edge. I can't do it.

I am weak.

I do remember however that this is not about me. I want to try, I want to grow. I want to flourish. This is about him protecting himself the way he knows how. It hurts me, and perhaps even him, and again, while it hurts, I understand. I have to understand. To not put myself in his shoes would be exceedingly selfish and "me"-centric. I can't be like that. I care about him too much. I want him to be happy even if that means that it's not with me. I get it.

It just hurts so much.

1:56 PM

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Taking the last ditch effort

All last night, I wrote a letter to the guy who I feel is my soul mate. I still call him that because he is very much the man I love to me, the man who understands me in ways that no other has, but I also understand that he doesn't consider himself in any way related to me through any relationship means any more.

After bumping into him in such a painful way last night, I had nothing else to lose. It was my fault for being weak and stopping to try to have contact with him during this time, and his reaction was, although exceedingly hurtful and very painful to me, something that he felt he had to do. It wouldn't have been my choice of how to react if someone had done that to me, and it has happened several times thus far. I tend to be firm but nurturing, I couldn't give someone the cold shoulder because I feel the hurt that I would engender.

Last night I received the full cold shoulder. The hurt is unbearable. I don't think I can deal with this. I'm oscillating between full tears and despair. My high point is simple tears. Sad pathetic waste I am.

So I took a risk, I wrote him a long letter which I worked and reworked last night, trying to say exactly what I meant without being too pathetic. It may go to his kill filter, it may just simply be deleted. He may simply not care. But I had to write him and explain as throughouly as I could how much I love him and what my feelings for him are, from the past, in this moment, and into the future. I needed to share, and if more rejection comes from this vulnerability, I will have to accept that as well. I'm already hurting so much that more pain now is absorbable. To try to wait for two weeks or more to write him later would extend the pain further beyond my current limit of bearability. I'm beyond that point now.

I thought I felt alone the day before yesterday. I feel so much more alone now. More than I have ever felt in my life through now. For the first time I found someone who understood me and I didn't have to be afraid to tell who I was because I believed and understood I wouldn't be judged. Now I've lost him, and I can't ever take that risk again. It beyond just being alone, it's fearing never being accepted. It's fearing and realizing that I've lost him.

9:39 AM

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Rejection and despair

I bumped into him tonight. I was heading down into the muni underground when I saw him. He was walking with his friend who ignores me, and I shouldn't have walked up to them. His back was to me, and I couldn't help but walk up to him. I saw him, and I stood a few feet away. I just wanted to say something. I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to tell me that everything was going to be okay. For me to just hold on a few more weeks. To tell me that he still loved me and for me to just stay strong. I looked at him and tears welled up in my eyes. He was laughing and joking, and then suddenly he saw me and looked startled.

His friend also saw me me at that moment and thought for a second, then asked if they should walk in some other direction and he agreed. They both turned and walked away from me. No words, no nothing. They just walked away.

I started crying.

I'm still crying. I can't help it. He wants nothing to do with me. He is completely done. And I am alone without him. I have nothing without him. I just feel like I want to die. I'm so very sad right now. I don't even want to go home, but I have nowhere to go. I have nowhere.

I can't stop crying. I'm a wreck. I'm crying on the train. I pulled out my computer, which will probably get it stolen, and I'm crying so hard as I write this. I miss him so much and he wouldn’t even talk to me. He wouldn't even look at me once he figured out who I was.

It hurts so much.

I hurt so much. I so need him and I've been completely rejected. I don't know what I'm going to do. This isn't worth it. Life isn't worth this. I can't keep hurting like this. He doesn't love me anymore. I realize it now. I was holding on because I was hoping he did. I was holding on because I need him. I was holding on because I had hope.

My hopes are gone now, evaporated in the moment that he turned away. There is just pain and loss in its place now. I feel such profound loss. I feel so alone without him. I don't care if I'm weak. I need him. I need him more than I've needed anybody. And now I have no hope to recover what I lost. I have no hope to gain him back. He made it clear, he does not want to have anything to do with me.

12:51 AM

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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Sitting with ghosts

I sat at one of the restaurants that soul mate and I had eaten at sometime ago. It's in the neighborhood of where I work, and soon to be, where I live. I thought it wouldn’t be that big of a deal to go thereto eat. The food is good, the people watching opportunities are amazing, and the central location is convenient. Those lucky enough to find a space to sit outside get to enjoy the beautiful weekend weather while dining street side. Today I was one of the lucky ones, with a freshly squeezed orange juice and eggs benedict in front of me.

It wasn't however, the wonderful experience I was hoping for today. It wasn't anything like I thought it would be really. Instead of focusing on the setting and the food, I found myself focusing on the ghosts. The memories of he and I in this restaurant are fresh and profound. He and I didn't often go there, but it was one of the last places that we had gone to breakfast together before we ended our relationship, and I can feel his presence even as I know I'm alone without him.

The sights, sounds and smells focused me on him throughout the entire meal. This particular spot bring up so many memories to the surface – all bright and fresh. Painful and haunting. My sense of loss was suddenly so palatable. I still feel it so immensely. A significant portion of me wanted to get up and run. I wanted to flee the feelings that surfaced in my head and my heart. It hurts so much to be separated. And here I was, sitting only a few tables from where he and I last sat.

But the lesson in this was to be able to acknowledge my feelings and to validate them, whilst simultaneously trying to understand and control my conflicting desires to avoid and over-react. I want to feel so badly so that I can prove to him and myself that I have emotions, that I do feel his presence in me deep into my core. He, and thoughts of him do bring me significant disequilibrium. However, I know that this doesn't have to be destructive or frightening. It can lead to growth, if I let it challenge me in a healthy and constructive way. It’s just at this moment, I realize that it can't really be constructive if I continue to focus on him when I should be focusing on my own healing and strength. It will only be healthy and constructive again if we were to try. Until then, I’m focusing on the past and an uncertain and improbably future.

Probability will only have the potentiality to become reality if we both are interested in trying to develop a future together. Without such acknowledgement, I'm hanging on to ghosts and imagination. I do not have a grip on reality in this space, and I will need to develop one soon. I know that this is not at all about him ultimately, but about me. I have to do a couple of things to make sure that I can get myself to a healthy space.

Firstly, I must be comfortable in the place where I am now. Not comfortable in the sense of not caring about growth or development, but comfortable in the direction I’m going in, the path I'm on. If I'm not comfortable on this path, I need to choose a new path. This is a continuing project, and one that I'm still working to achieve. I am working on it actively however, and I’m making some progress. I’m changing directions and paths as I continue to seek out the place in which I belong in this new space, this new venue, this new life of mine. The journey was started by several choices and, as I've said before, I did get what I expected or end up where I wanted, but the journey has been worth it all the same. I am a survivor and I will survive. I will succeed, even it I have to tear myself apart in the process.

Secondly, I have to accept where it is that I will find myself, for every next step. I will not always be happy with my direction. I will not always want to go where I'm headed. However, I will need to accept that I’m in the place and space where I am at any given moment, and from there, make the choices I need to make to take yet the next step. One can only step forward in any constructive and decisive way if one knows where he is in the first place. Without such knowledge, each future step is a step in the dark. Such blind momentum reaps unknown and uncertain destinations. That’s where I am now because I was moving forward blind and without a well established understanding of what I wanted from each choice. My choices where just as unfocused as my understanding of myself, and I ignored my ability to plan each step with focus in mind so that I could reach the places I wanted to be.

Thirdly, I have to really focus again on my goals so that I can reach them. So that I can find my way out of this place that I find so very unfulfilling. My aspirations do not have to be dead, nor do they have to have any significant shift away from where I was going before. I want to do good in this world, and make a difference. I still can if I continue to work at it. I don't have to be the cog who is just eking out an existence as I am now. Each step a pathway. Each path a part of what I need to do to get to the endpoint.

I just need to make sure that I'm planning ahead…

11:49 AM

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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Hurting

I've spent the past couple of days reliving some very overwhelming feelings that I was left with last November and October. After reviewing my own writings, my blog, my words... I have been reliving the nights when I felt most alone and afraid.

I stopped sleeping. I lie awake at night reliving my nightmare. I had no choices. I had to allow it or I'd get hurt. I got hurt anyway.

I wouldn't talk about it or write about it, I was so embarrassed. I was so afraid. I thought I could handle it.

I put on my game face and have more or less been able to hold on to that through this time when I've been most upside down in my life. I have tried to distance myself from all of this, from my feelings, from my fears. I've held it all in, and at some of the worst moments shared only to a select few after I began to break down. But then I pretended that none of it had happened. I've pulled all my feelings back in and I want to deal with it alone. I have to deal with it alone. I am alone.

I start to cry and then I stop. I shouldn't cry. It does me no good.

I know I shouldn't be so torn. I know I shouldn't blame myself. But I do. I got to a point where I lashed out myself, and I became the monster I fear. I am hurt someone I care about just as I was hurt. I hate myself.

I had my confidence stolen. I thought I had it back, at least about this, but I don't. Something in me still feels broken. I feel ashamed.

I need help dealing. When I need the most help, I've found myself alone to deal with my fears and my sadness. I can't do this alone. I don't know who to talk to. I can't just talk to anybody. I don't want to talk to anybody. I have to do this alone. It hurts too much to share.

10:50 PM

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Saturday, July 18, 2009

Coincidences

It's been awhile since I've had to think of FM (especially after I moved). Tonight however, I was reviewing old entrys to the blog and many of the last entries from the last year were about him. Oddly enough a very close friend texted me a couple of minutes ago cursing and claiming Reno was a small town.

I called him up and asked what was wrong because it's very unlike him to be explicative, and he said he had just run into FM.

Huh... I'm not sure I needed to know that.

I've been upside down enough these past few months that I don't need a reminder of why I needed to leave Reno. My last encounters with FM were enough to cut all tendrils of love for him out of me. I'm more frightened of him than anything, and thank goodness I live far away now. I especially don't need to know what he's doing or when he's out. It's all the more painful because this week is just past the two year anniversary of when we started dating.

Ugh. What a disaster that was. It turned out horribly, and some people including my friend finally know what was really going on.

I really didn't need to hear anything about FM tonight, of all nights when I had just read about all my writings about the guy for the first time in 9 or so months. Going to give my friend a free pass though. He, (1.) never does this (at least he never has before), for he is generally not a gossiper, (2.) realizes how much this man had tore me up and hurt me, and (3.) is obviously currently drunk right now, and when he sobers up, will probably realize the faux pas and be regretful.

There is no point in making anybody else hurt as much as I.

Okay. I'm over it. Moving on and going to bed.

11:22 PM

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The Face of a Monster

I am at a point where I'm accepting the fact that I'm going to be single for a long time, an indeterminate period of time, the time it takes to heal and find strength. These past few years have been really tough on me. I am further and further disallusioned by my own capabilities and offerings, and I have further become more frightened and distrustful because I feel overwhelmingly and consistently abandoned. I still have hopes and dreams, but they ain't going to happen any time soon. I don't think I'll be the guy who ever has the picket fences with a partner/husband by my side.

I understand that what happens is largely due to the decisions I make, and I keep finding that I continue to make poor choices. I change the choices, the circumstances and the setting, and I still find that I'm making poor decisions for myself. At this point, the choice I'm making is wallowing in my defeatism. I know that this is a pathetic and weak way out, but I just can't keep going on like this. I put too much of myself in other people. I obsess all too compulsively about all that is wrong with me and why I'm not good enough for the person whom I love instead of validating my perspective. I become too defensive and simultaneously lost. I am way too broken.

I don't want to go through this struggle anymore. It's too difficult. There are several parts to these feelings of defeatism contributing to my general state of being overwhelmed. Partially it's because I feel too fragile to deal with all the emotional stress and strain that I've been experiencing because of my indeterminate status with Soul Mate. Partially it's because of so many other previous experiences with relationships and dating within the past 5 years span (encompassing the time when the relationship with my ex tipped towards unhealthy). Partially it's because I'm still too insecure to take matters in my own hands and demand change, compromise, or conciliation, and I don't see myself as an equal, rather, I feel generally subordinate. Now this was not my soul mate's or anyone else's fault. This is my own failing. I love too much whilst simultaneously distrusting whom, why, and what I love.

What is that all about? It's about me falling in love with the mirror. Not myself, mind you, but those who remind me of my own shortcomings. I can't fix myself, so I become codependent and gravitate to others who I feel I can do a better job of taking care of, since I can't seem to take care of myself very well. It's interesting to dissect these patterns. I'm attracted to a particular type, physical type aside, I historically have fallen for people who are in some way haunted and needy themselves.

In a lot of ways, I realize that I'm attracted to men who have much the same demons as I. It's sadistically narcissistic, and overtly tragic. I know I'm innately a nurturer, and I have a healthy dose of co-dependency attached to my personality. I realize this, and I have been working on it for a long time, but my own insecurity and need to help others at my own expense (or so that I may forget my own concerns) creeps inexorably back, and it's often fully entrenched before I realize it.

Well, that's only partially true. I realize that it's happening as it's developing, I'm so caught up in the moment that I don't care - and I regret it later when I'm hurt all the more. It's not any one else's fault. It's not my Soul Mate's fault. It wasn't my ex's fault. This is undeniably me. This is my shortcoming manifested every time I emotionally connect. My own failing hurts me, and then it hurts others. This is the part that is unforgivable. I hurt others, and I hurt the most those whom I love the most.

I realize that I'm a monster.

That's the rub, I know better, but I allow myself to fall into this pattern of behavior. I allow myself to get close to people and then I hurt them. I need to stop allowing myself to get close, I can't hurt those with whom I do not connect. This is where I really need to find my strengths and develop better skills at being independent. It is my fear of being alone and it is my irrational desire to be needed that makes me seek to pair up, and pairing up is the brewing of disaster. It's not even about being more or less selfish, responsible, happy, caring, open, sensitive, etc... it's about me simply taking care of myself and respecting myself enough to be comfortable being alone so that I can't hurt those whom I love most. I can't allow myself to be psychologically driven by being needed. I can't allow myself to be driven by fear of being alone. I see that being alone is probably inevitable because of my own deep psychological scars.

It's really weird. I can't seem to take control of my own life and stand up for myself in my private life. What is it about me that caves in and desires personal relationships? I have to find that piece of me that is strong elsewhere, such as the strength I have and show in my professional life (when I'm working). There is obviously inner strength in me somewhere, and I just need to apply those skills to my private life. The problem is that I don't know what it is exactly I'm looking for, or why there is such a differential. It's so frustrating to see the dichotomy.

Perhaps I need to practice more in non-threatening situations. I could use a bit of role play to figure this out. Currently my friends (whom over the past five years I have held more and more at arms length) tell me that I'm making bad choices, but they give me precious little advice on how to make better choices. I've been ignoring their advice because I thought they were wrong. Now I see they are right, just not in the way that I think that most of them intended. I am making bad choices, not in the people I fall for, but in the fact that I'm allowing myself to be emotionally connected. Perhaps one day I will be ready for a relationship. That day is just now now. I need the confidence and the strength to love and to trust, and until I have both, I do not deserve anybody. I don't need to keep being the monster hurting those around me.

I do not need to continue to be the monster that hurt the man who I love so dearly now.

I am that monster. I did hurt him, deeply. I do not deserve him. I may never hear from him again. I am so very regretful. I love him so completely.

I need to find my own voice. My own strength. My own will. My own hope. I need to make different choices, different from all the choices I have made thusfar for myself. Only then perhaps will I be ready for love. I am not there yet. I don't have any of the pieces that I should have yet in my possession. Right now those qualities are ephemeral in me. I have no foundation. I must build one. I realize that now.

8:35 PM

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Friday, July 17, 2009

Untouchable

One thing that soul mate told me many times in jest, in anger, and in frustration was that I could date anybody I wanted. Not that I could date others while we were in a relationship, but if I were single and willing, I'd find other people quickly. I felt that his statements diminished what I felt about him, and my low self-esteem also prevented me from really listening. It was just something that I didn't want to hear from him.

I still don't.

However, he was right. In the past month, I've been asked out five times. By all sorts of people that I'm meeting. And not in the let's go fuck sort of way, but the actual "Are you interested in dating". And it's not clicking because in my head I'm not single.

I've had to smile politely and apologize several times for not being available.

I'm not interested in any one. I have only one person on my mind. My heart bleeds for him.

And I'm not single. I want to try again, and I cling to the hope that we can. Pathetic I might be. I'll at least own that. Sure he may have moved on, and I'm still listening to echoes of feelings that no longer exist, but cling to the hope I do. Cling to the hope I will.

9:22 PM

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

Walking amongst the ruins with Janus

Getting all the feelings from the past several months off my chest is a double-edged sword. On one side, I'm able to process better by writing and really get down and assess what I'm going through and feeling right now in this moment (and every other moment). However, on the other side, it highlights how much my heart really hurts. I feel shattered. Devastated. And writing, although cathartic, opens the wounds further.

I know my feelings shouldn't be all this encompassing. However, my heart is broken and I do not feel the will to recover. I've mentioned while writing numerous times over the years that I only bond emotionally to one person at a time, and once bonded, breaking the bond is excruciatingly painful and difficult. I never truly let go. I'm still intertwined with the men that I've had relationships with, though now far and without contact, I still have feelings that will never go away. There have been three in my life that have filled unique niches in my life, and a fourth that came very close. The three are my ex-husband with whom I had a relationship of five years, my ex-partner with whom I had a relationship for five and a half years, and now the man whom I have no idea how our status exists.

He is a was not just a fly-by night, a man who I casually dated. He was a man who I fell in love with, deeply, inextricably. And he is the man who I hurt, and has hurt me so much. Ugh, why do we have to make things so complicated in our lives? Why did I destroy something that was so good for me, and us? What damaged me so much that I was so afraid of being loved and protected so?

I only wish I knew. I can't fix anything now. I can't change how I acted. I can't change how he acted. I can only hurt and continue to try to heal. I don't know how to heal. I feel abandoned and lost, during a time when for the first time, I want help and protection. And that is what hurts all the more. I want to be held and embraced and told that everything is going to be okay. Every morning I wake up, I dread what is coming. I dread being rejected. I dread being alive.

I am at a crossroads. Now is a pivotal time in my life. I see Janus beside me, his two faces looking forward and back. I am looking at the beginning and the end.

Sadness is overtaking me even as I buck up and do all that is in my power to be successful again. I have interview after interview for employment opportunities. None are in the field I really want to be in, but that's because the state budget has dried up in this festering septic economy. I just need to make enough to survive in San Francisco. I need to make enough to rent, to eat, to pay my mortgage. At this point, I don't care what I do as long as I can afford to live. If I run out of savings before that happens, I'm not sure what my choices are. It all seems so difficult. I want to make it happen. I want to prove that I am independent. I want to prove that I can do it on my own.

I want to give up.

I don't want to do all of this alone.

9:16 PM

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Processing Obsession

A basic question, is it obsession when one cannot get another out of his mind? Is love obsession? Is obsession confused as love? I am not stalking him, I'm not going to his place, I'm even trying to stay away from the places he frequents (other than being generally employed near where he lives). I just think about him non-stop. Is that still considered obsession?

I ask because, as I mentioned when I wrote yesterday, I can't get the guy I call my soul mate out of my head. I do think about him constantly. I wonder what he's doing, how he's feeling, if he's happy, if he is taking care of himself, and if he thinks of me. Crazy obsessive thoughts, of course. I know it. It takes all my willpower to respect his space. I stay away.

Although it shouldn't be difficult to keep myself scarce. I'm reminded that I need to stay far away, through his friends. I ran into one of his close friends that I had pushed for him to get to know over the past six months a couple of times this past month and I was outright ignored. It was as if I didn't exist. I was walking by a que for the Castro theater and the friend was there. As one should do, I said hello politely, and he looked in another direction and acted if he didn't hear me. I said hello again, just in case, and received silence.

Ok. Well, rude as it was, I smiled tersely and then went on my way. A week later I walked up to a muni stop and he was standing there, I smiled and nodded, and he looked away again. So I thought, fine, it's definitely deliberate. I decided to walk rather than deal with that. Three days later I was walking down the stairs to the underground after work and he turned the corner to walk up. Our eyes caught, I smiled and nodded, and he turned a stared at the wall as he went up the escalator. Wow. Mature behavior for a 40 something.

Sadly it appears that our schedules coincide for public transport. That's a shame.

The importance of all this is that it appears that I am on a shit list, and it is probably due to the fact that my ex (it's complicated, what the hell is going on with our relationship? I have no idea how to refer to him right now) soul mate has purposely cut off all contact with me and with my friends. From the point of blocking my calls right after being kicked out onto the street after giving me some really weird cross-signals through text that he was apparently texting to someone else, to a long letter stating that he still loved me but wanted to take a one month break, then a second letter stating it should be two months after I responded to the first letter while I was still frightened and emotionally shattered. It appears that I need to figure something out, I can't be the lost puppy. It doesn't work for me, and it surely doesn't work for him.

A huge part of me just wants to tuck tail between my legs and prostrate myself. Give up everything to try again because I do blame myself for initiating this whole episodic mess. However, I also realize that doing so is probably the worst thing to do - or is it? My confusion is palatable. Do I hang my head in shame and hope, or do I show strength through self-respect and pride? I've dealt with this issue of pride with him before, and he has always opened up when I embraced shame. He has a strong need to be prideful, just as I do, and he was most angry and distrustful when I met pride with pride. However, setting aside my pride leaves me vulnerable again, and am I willing to walk that road again? That is the question, the fundamental question. What do I do?

The shameful part of me asks if all this is worth it, am I worth it? Is trial at dating or even a relationship something I should even consider if the offer were to show up on the table? My friends tell me that even asking such a question shows how unhealthy our relationship was. They say that the fact I even have to ask if I am worthy of him tells them that he is not for me. They say this even with the knowledge of what I have done, now that I have admitted the behavior, though not with whom.

Here's the rub though, I don't care what my friends think. This is my life and what matters is going on in my head. Yes, it may be selfish, or conceited, or tremendously obtuse, but it is my life. What ultimately matters about his and my relationship (or former relationship) is what we think. He and I. Others don't matter. Just us. If he loves me still, I would be so happy. If he doesn't, I'm already crushed, so more blood on the stone is of little importance.

If there just was still an "us". I can only hope there is. My obsession with him would be satiated, and I would have forever to get my fill. Is love supposed to be such? Is he as obsessed as I? Or am I alone?

It appears I've answered my meta-question. All the rest is hope.

7:25 PM

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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Brief recap of the past year

Wow. It's really been over a year. I've posted some non-consequential things over the past year, but nothing of substance or note. Now, a year later, lots of dating. Failures, friendships, career disasters, and homelessness, I'm back to writing again. Well, at least for now. We'll see what happens.

I've needed to write for some time now, but I haven't wanted to write about what has gone on this past year. There is just so much, and a lot of it is painful. Still, what has happened, happened and my consequences are my own.

In the past year, I have fallen in love with a person I believe to be my soul mate, given up a career, left Reno and moved to San Francisco, rented out my house, lost my savings, cashed out 10 years of retirement savings, gotten into a serious car accident, struggled with the effects of a moderate concussion, moved in with my soul mate, fought and struggled, got kicked out, become homeless, and have been without work for 7 months. I'm still looking for employment and with such, will then be able to find a place to live.

I'm lucky enough to have a few friends in the Bay Area, but they are few and I'm reaching the limits of being able to crash homes for a roof over my head while I cannot afford my own room to rent. Rentals are tough here, just to rent a single room (not a studio or gosh forbid an apartment), costs between $850-$1200 a month. Studios go for $1800. There is no way to afford that without gainful employment.

I've been hitting the job market hard, and have had several interviews for positions, however there are three major issues that I have come across (not including not being called contacted after submitting an application - a constant struggle), these include: 1. Job positions are temporary, and are only being offered to me in 1 or 2 month increments. 2. Job positions are being offered far from the Bay Area. I was offered a position, but it's in Los Angeles, Massachusetts, or some other distant region. 3. Job positions are offered, then revoked as funding drys up. I've been offered several positions in the past three weeks alone, but because of any combination of the three issues, I've not had any assurance of work, even after the offers.

So right now I'm working in retail. After leaving a position that made near a six figure salary, I'm now medically uninsured and making minimum wage at a part-time gig. Oh, how the mighty do fall. One recent opportunity just fell through, the director may have jumped the gun by offering me the position before his program's human resources office formally approved the position opening - so I'm not sure what will be happening with that. It is a position I would love, melding both the sciences and education, but at this point everything is up in the air. Additionally I have an interview with an educational institution in the East Bay the day after tomorrow, but being that it's only an interview, I can make no predictions on the potential viability.

So I wait, and make less then $600 a month after California taxes. Sadly my daily salary is mostly eaten up by the commute on BART, a meal, and dry cleaning.

So I've stopped the dry cleaning. Horrors.

I tried to stop eating too, but after losing almost 8 lbs and nearing the 114 lbs mark now, I'm a bit reluctant to continue fasting. Anorexia ain't pretty. Nor is it healthy when still trying to recover from a concussion. A brain can't heal properly with poor nutrition.

And a heart can't heal without, well, without. Soul mate and I had a whirlwind relationship because we quickly came to the conclusion that we were soul mates. That I still believe. However my ensuing unemployment and move into his small space under the shadow of an omnipresent roommate, as well as my own and his trust issues rapidly degraded our relationship until we were fighting constantly. As we fought more, I withdrew and acted out, and he became less trusting. It exploded, and I felt trapped and controlled while he felt abandoned and betrayed.

And I was left on the street-side at 2 o'clock in the morning with not much more than one suitcase and the clothing on my back.

So what is it that causes me to think about him constantly? Literally every moment that I am not occupied with some immediate need, he is on my mind. Now, I know that I emotionally bond to one person at at time, and when I do bond, I stick hard. It's as much a character flaw as it is an asset, and it often frightens me immensely. This is especially true and was highlighted after my last long-term relationship. Regardless of what was going on, I stuck it through. I wanted to be with my ex for the rest of my life. I stayed, even when I was unhappy. And now I'm doing it again.

Granted, a lot of what went down this time was my fault. I wasn't honest with the guy i call my soul mate the about some very important issues and activities. This is my crutch. After my ex, I learned that monogomy leads me to a reliance and bonding that nearly killed me when it evaporated. I was honest with soul mate about my beliefs and feelings, but not my actions. I couldn't bring myself to stay monogomous completely. I had a fling with an old friend, and he found out after going through my cell phone.

Now, I keep secrets above all things. Give me a secret, and I won't tell anyone, even the people I should. I believe in that level of trust. I give up nothing about anybody else. Again, flaw and attribute. I will protect others at the cost of myself, and in this case, I made the choice to protect others after making a poor choice in the first place. So he pushed and pushed for me to tell and I refused. Finally he told me that he knew and I still wouldn't give up any information. I was caught in a difficult position, and one that makes me deserve to have been cast aside. So ultimately he did. And I pay for it and the knowledge that I am the one who destroyed the relationship because I do not trust anyone as much as I want others to trust me. I engaged in bad behavior. I have my consequences.

So I am single again. He wrote me at one point and said that he belives that I am still his soul mate, but he didn't want to have any contact with me for two months. That was a month ago, and I constantly feel the punishment of having fucked up. This is my own fault, and while he has his issues... it's still my fault. I ruined it.

Ok, enough self-depreciation. This is what I have now, and this it what I'm dealing with. I'm going through a private hell. One that I cannot share, one that I cannot ameliorate. He probably has moved on. He is successful and sexy, social and engaging, he can have anyone he wants. Why put up with an unemployed hick from the a small town with more issues than there are days in a year?

So I have some self-esteem issues to iron out still. I'm broken and I have to find my place in the world again. It's hard to do when unemployed and homeless. Especially for a man who has always defined himself by his work and by the dollar. This is a new world for me. I'm completely upside down, vulnerable, and alone in the world. Well, not completely alone. I have friends, but it's not what I'm looking for right now. I want something completely different.

That may be part of the problem. It's been about what I want, not what I need. I did that when I made bad choices. I did that when I tried to patch up the bad choices. I did that when I felt trapped. I need to forget what I want, and focus on what I need. The problem is, I don't seem to know where one stops and the other begins.

So I focus on the following question now. When I am ruminating over what to do next, I ask myself. "Is it what I want, or what I need? Are they one in the same? Are they two different things?"

Then I have the following stumper. I want picket fences. I want picket fences with my soul mate. Are they mutually exclusive? Or are they mutually exclusive only now with him because of our history? Is he willing to try again? Is there anything wrong with me because I do?

Regardless, I keep coming back to the following realization: I found him, then I fucked it up.

Damn it.

4:20 PM

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Monday, July 13, 2009

Just saying no

The guy my doctor had introduced me and whom I had dated over a year ago called last night. We have become friends since the break-up, and for me, it had morphed into a safe light distant friendship. I care about his well-being and his happiness, but I constructed a wall some time ago negating any consideration of further emotional attachments with him. When he broke up with me, I was done.

He was acting a bit odd over the phone for the first couple of minutes, and then with little framing asked that although he understands that I live far away now, if I would consider dating again.

I told him that honestly, I was not in a place to even think about dating since I was still emotionally connected to someone else, and while I appreciated his honesty and trust to ask, I had to apologize and tell him that it was something that I couldn't even consider. He is a friend, and that is the line I've drawn.

I hoped I didn't sound callous, and I called him back the next day to check in on him since he quickly wanted to get off the line after my rejection. He was grateful for me checking in on him, but he was embarrassed. I told him not to be, he was just asking something that he thought was important, and I value his friendship.

He asked me the same thing last August. I don't think he has really let go, but I am making sure I define the boundaries and light them up when needed. I'm especially careful not to give any mixed signals. We have mutual friends, and a couple of them whom I am close to and trust I have asked if I was sending mixed signals and they assured me that I wasn't. That gives me some relief.

Hopefully, he can handle the fact that I'm not interested in him romatically. He seemed to be able to, again though obviously he was disappointed. I believe in him. I think he can handle this just fine.

9:30 PM

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About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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