The man I used to call my soul mate bantered around meeting up with me tonight through e-mail, after over a week of cancelling previous meetings. Tonight he emailed me after some afternoon thing he did, asking if I was milling about or if I had other plans.
It shows me what I know about love and relationships. I know nothing. I fear that I deserve this lot I have laid out before me. I have made many of the choices that have led to this point, including the choices of walking back into the fire where I knew I would be devalued and hung up on marrionette strings. Finally I'm getting it. Finally, I'm listening to people who tell me that what happened was unhealthy and unstable and that I need to stay out and far away.
I had this advice in my mind tonight. Coupled with feelings of rejection and feelings of him only wanting to play with my heart in cruel manipulative ways, I decided I needed to stop the momentum. I responded back to him tonight that I planned on milling about. I told him that I hoped that he had fun at his afternoon function, and wished him a good night.
I'm sure he'll take that as what it was meant. I'm saying I'm done. I'd like to say it in person, and I probably should have moved forward with meeting up with him so I could, but I'm just so tired of being treated like an afterthought. I don't deserve to be ancillary to anybodies life, and I don't want to be constantly in a state of confusion with him. I don't love him any more the way I should. I just feel hurt and used, and the love I have for him is only a memory of what was. All there is left is the memory of what I wanted and what I hoped. It has transformed from being about us, to about him, and now it's about me. I am no longer thinking of him and his needs anymore. I no longer feel compassionate or patient. I'm just tired and hurt, and all I think about is how interacting with him hurts me. It has become selfish, and I don't need to walk into something that has transformed so monstrously, neither for him or for me.
I don't respect him very much anymore, but I do respect him enough to do the right thing for both of us. He has me blocked from general communication, and I need to virtually block him from my sphere. Whereas I will not literally block his telephone number or e-mail, I realize that I need to take an extended break that will last an indeterminate period of time. I'm sure from my latest response, he will already have turned off and moved on. He seems to do that so easily with others, I'm sure I'm no different to him. Whereas this has broken my heart, and I'm still not sure what my next move will be other than simply moving back into survival mode, I have little doubt that he'll bounce back and for all intents and purposes, forget I ever existed.
I must come to realize that he doesn't love me. He is not my soul mate. He plays with my emotions. I let him. I need to transition that to past tense now.
Closing doors has never been easy for me. I'm always the last one to do it, and this example is not so far from that pattern. He closed the doors on me months ago, and I forcibly reopened them to find that I didn't like what I found inside. I felt dirty and cheap, and I felt ashamed. So now I'm just letting the inertia run its course. The door will close again, fast or slow. With a whisper or a slam. I don't know, but I do know that I don't need my stomach to hurt anymore. I don't need to feel blamed for all of the wrongs in our relationship. And I don't need to wait for somebody to make up his mind about me. I am not a waif who needs to prostrate at the feet of another. I am not worthless. I feel worthless around him, and he revels in it.
I'm done feeling that. I'm closing my e-mail for the night. I don't need to check it again for awhile.
I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.
This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable.
This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.
This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this
medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look
back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.
WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you.
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