Pogonip and Playa Dust

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Walking amongst the ruins with Janus

Getting all the feelings from the past several months off my chest is a double-edged sword. On one side, I'm able to process better by writing and really get down and assess what I'm going through and feeling right now in this moment (and every other moment). However, on the other side, it highlights how much my heart really hurts. I feel shattered. Devastated. And writing, although cathartic, opens the wounds further.

I know my feelings shouldn't be all this encompassing. However, my heart is broken and I do not feel the will to recover. I've mentioned while writing numerous times over the years that I only bond emotionally to one person at a time, and once bonded, breaking the bond is excruciatingly painful and difficult. I never truly let go. I'm still intertwined with the men that I've had relationships with, though now far and without contact, I still have feelings that will never go away. There have been three in my life that have filled unique niches in my life, and a fourth that came very close. The three are my ex-husband with whom I had a relationship of five years, my ex-partner with whom I had a relationship for five and a half years, and now the man whom I have no idea how our status exists.

He is a was not just a fly-by night, a man who I casually dated. He was a man who I fell in love with, deeply, inextricably. And he is the man who I hurt, and has hurt me so much. Ugh, why do we have to make things so complicated in our lives? Why did I destroy something that was so good for me, and us? What damaged me so much that I was so afraid of being loved and protected so?

I only wish I knew. I can't fix anything now. I can't change how I acted. I can't change how he acted. I can only hurt and continue to try to heal. I don't know how to heal. I feel abandoned and lost, during a time when for the first time, I want help and protection. And that is what hurts all the more. I want to be held and embraced and told that everything is going to be okay. Every morning I wake up, I dread what is coming. I dread being rejected. I dread being alive.

I am at a crossroads. Now is a pivotal time in my life. I see Janus beside me, his two faces looking forward and back. I am looking at the beginning and the end.

Sadness is overtaking me even as I buck up and do all that is in my power to be successful again. I have interview after interview for employment opportunities. None are in the field I really want to be in, but that's because the state budget has dried up in this festering septic economy. I just need to make enough to survive in San Francisco. I need to make enough to rent, to eat, to pay my mortgage. At this point, I don't care what I do as long as I can afford to live. If I run out of savings before that happens, I'm not sure what my choices are. It all seems so difficult. I want to make it happen. I want to prove that I am independent. I want to prove that I can do it on my own.

I want to give up.

I don't want to do all of this alone.

9:16 PM

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About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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