Pogonip and Playa Dust

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Processing Obsession

A basic question, is it obsession when one cannot get another out of his mind? Is love obsession? Is obsession confused as love? I am not stalking him, I'm not going to his place, I'm even trying to stay away from the places he frequents (other than being generally employed near where he lives). I just think about him non-stop. Is that still considered obsession?

I ask because, as I mentioned when I wrote yesterday, I can't get the guy I call my soul mate out of my head. I do think about him constantly. I wonder what he's doing, how he's feeling, if he's happy, if he is taking care of himself, and if he thinks of me. Crazy obsessive thoughts, of course. I know it. It takes all my willpower to respect his space. I stay away.

Although it shouldn't be difficult to keep myself scarce. I'm reminded that I need to stay far away, through his friends. I ran into one of his close friends that I had pushed for him to get to know over the past six months a couple of times this past month and I was outright ignored. It was as if I didn't exist. I was walking by a que for the Castro theater and the friend was there. As one should do, I said hello politely, and he looked in another direction and acted if he didn't hear me. I said hello again, just in case, and received silence.

Ok. Well, rude as it was, I smiled tersely and then went on my way. A week later I walked up to a muni stop and he was standing there, I smiled and nodded, and he looked away again. So I thought, fine, it's definitely deliberate. I decided to walk rather than deal with that. Three days later I was walking down the stairs to the underground after work and he turned the corner to walk up. Our eyes caught, I smiled and nodded, and he turned a stared at the wall as he went up the escalator. Wow. Mature behavior for a 40 something.

Sadly it appears that our schedules coincide for public transport. That's a shame.

The importance of all this is that it appears that I am on a shit list, and it is probably due to the fact that my ex (it's complicated, what the hell is going on with our relationship? I have no idea how to refer to him right now) soul mate has purposely cut off all contact with me and with my friends. From the point of blocking my calls right after being kicked out onto the street after giving me some really weird cross-signals through text that he was apparently texting to someone else, to a long letter stating that he still loved me but wanted to take a one month break, then a second letter stating it should be two months after I responded to the first letter while I was still frightened and emotionally shattered. It appears that I need to figure something out, I can't be the lost puppy. It doesn't work for me, and it surely doesn't work for him.

A huge part of me just wants to tuck tail between my legs and prostrate myself. Give up everything to try again because I do blame myself for initiating this whole episodic mess. However, I also realize that doing so is probably the worst thing to do - or is it? My confusion is palatable. Do I hang my head in shame and hope, or do I show strength through self-respect and pride? I've dealt with this issue of pride with him before, and he has always opened up when I embraced shame. He has a strong need to be prideful, just as I do, and he was most angry and distrustful when I met pride with pride. However, setting aside my pride leaves me vulnerable again, and am I willing to walk that road again? That is the question, the fundamental question. What do I do?

The shameful part of me asks if all this is worth it, am I worth it? Is trial at dating or even a relationship something I should even consider if the offer were to show up on the table? My friends tell me that even asking such a question shows how unhealthy our relationship was. They say that the fact I even have to ask if I am worthy of him tells them that he is not for me. They say this even with the knowledge of what I have done, now that I have admitted the behavior, though not with whom.

Here's the rub though, I don't care what my friends think. This is my life and what matters is going on in my head. Yes, it may be selfish, or conceited, or tremendously obtuse, but it is my life. What ultimately matters about his and my relationship (or former relationship) is what we think. He and I. Others don't matter. Just us. If he loves me still, I would be so happy. If he doesn't, I'm already crushed, so more blood on the stone is of little importance.

If there just was still an "us". I can only hope there is. My obsession with him would be satiated, and I would have forever to get my fill. Is love supposed to be such? Is he as obsessed as I? Or am I alone?

It appears I've answered my meta-question. All the rest is hope.

7:25 PM

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About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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