Pogonip and Playa Dust

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Brief recap of the past year

Wow. It's really been over a year. I've posted some non-consequential things over the past year, but nothing of substance or note. Now, a year later, lots of dating. Failures, friendships, career disasters, and homelessness, I'm back to writing again. Well, at least for now. We'll see what happens.

I've needed to write for some time now, but I haven't wanted to write about what has gone on this past year. There is just so much, and a lot of it is painful. Still, what has happened, happened and my consequences are my own.

In the past year, I have fallen in love with a person I believe to be my soul mate, given up a career, left Reno and moved to San Francisco, rented out my house, lost my savings, cashed out 10 years of retirement savings, gotten into a serious car accident, struggled with the effects of a moderate concussion, moved in with my soul mate, fought and struggled, got kicked out, become homeless, and have been without work for 7 months. I'm still looking for employment and with such, will then be able to find a place to live.

I'm lucky enough to have a few friends in the Bay Area, but they are few and I'm reaching the limits of being able to crash homes for a roof over my head while I cannot afford my own room to rent. Rentals are tough here, just to rent a single room (not a studio or gosh forbid an apartment), costs between $850-$1200 a month. Studios go for $1800. There is no way to afford that without gainful employment.

I've been hitting the job market hard, and have had several interviews for positions, however there are three major issues that I have come across (not including not being called contacted after submitting an application - a constant struggle), these include: 1. Job positions are temporary, and are only being offered to me in 1 or 2 month increments. 2. Job positions are being offered far from the Bay Area. I was offered a position, but it's in Los Angeles, Massachusetts, or some other distant region. 3. Job positions are offered, then revoked as funding drys up. I've been offered several positions in the past three weeks alone, but because of any combination of the three issues, I've not had any assurance of work, even after the offers.

So right now I'm working in retail. After leaving a position that made near a six figure salary, I'm now medically uninsured and making minimum wage at a part-time gig. Oh, how the mighty do fall. One recent opportunity just fell through, the director may have jumped the gun by offering me the position before his program's human resources office formally approved the position opening - so I'm not sure what will be happening with that. It is a position I would love, melding both the sciences and education, but at this point everything is up in the air. Additionally I have an interview with an educational institution in the East Bay the day after tomorrow, but being that it's only an interview, I can make no predictions on the potential viability.

So I wait, and make less then $600 a month after California taxes. Sadly my daily salary is mostly eaten up by the commute on BART, a meal, and dry cleaning.

So I've stopped the dry cleaning. Horrors.

I tried to stop eating too, but after losing almost 8 lbs and nearing the 114 lbs mark now, I'm a bit reluctant to continue fasting. Anorexia ain't pretty. Nor is it healthy when still trying to recover from a concussion. A brain can't heal properly with poor nutrition.

And a heart can't heal without, well, without. Soul mate and I had a whirlwind relationship because we quickly came to the conclusion that we were soul mates. That I still believe. However my ensuing unemployment and move into his small space under the shadow of an omnipresent roommate, as well as my own and his trust issues rapidly degraded our relationship until we were fighting constantly. As we fought more, I withdrew and acted out, and he became less trusting. It exploded, and I felt trapped and controlled while he felt abandoned and betrayed.

And I was left on the street-side at 2 o'clock in the morning with not much more than one suitcase and the clothing on my back.

So what is it that causes me to think about him constantly? Literally every moment that I am not occupied with some immediate need, he is on my mind. Now, I know that I emotionally bond to one person at at time, and when I do bond, I stick hard. It's as much a character flaw as it is an asset, and it often frightens me immensely. This is especially true and was highlighted after my last long-term relationship. Regardless of what was going on, I stuck it through. I wanted to be with my ex for the rest of my life. I stayed, even when I was unhappy. And now I'm doing it again.

Granted, a lot of what went down this time was my fault. I wasn't honest with the guy i call my soul mate the about some very important issues and activities. This is my crutch. After my ex, I learned that monogomy leads me to a reliance and bonding that nearly killed me when it evaporated. I was honest with soul mate about my beliefs and feelings, but not my actions. I couldn't bring myself to stay monogomous completely. I had a fling with an old friend, and he found out after going through my cell phone.

Now, I keep secrets above all things. Give me a secret, and I won't tell anyone, even the people I should. I believe in that level of trust. I give up nothing about anybody else. Again, flaw and attribute. I will protect others at the cost of myself, and in this case, I made the choice to protect others after making a poor choice in the first place. So he pushed and pushed for me to tell and I refused. Finally he told me that he knew and I still wouldn't give up any information. I was caught in a difficult position, and one that makes me deserve to have been cast aside. So ultimately he did. And I pay for it and the knowledge that I am the one who destroyed the relationship because I do not trust anyone as much as I want others to trust me. I engaged in bad behavior. I have my consequences.

So I am single again. He wrote me at one point and said that he belives that I am still his soul mate, but he didn't want to have any contact with me for two months. That was a month ago, and I constantly feel the punishment of having fucked up. This is my own fault, and while he has his issues... it's still my fault. I ruined it.

Ok, enough self-depreciation. This is what I have now, and this it what I'm dealing with. I'm going through a private hell. One that I cannot share, one that I cannot ameliorate. He probably has moved on. He is successful and sexy, social and engaging, he can have anyone he wants. Why put up with an unemployed hick from the a small town with more issues than there are days in a year?

So I have some self-esteem issues to iron out still. I'm broken and I have to find my place in the world again. It's hard to do when unemployed and homeless. Especially for a man who has always defined himself by his work and by the dollar. This is a new world for me. I'm completely upside down, vulnerable, and alone in the world. Well, not completely alone. I have friends, but it's not what I'm looking for right now. I want something completely different.

That may be part of the problem. It's been about what I want, not what I need. I did that when I made bad choices. I did that when I tried to patch up the bad choices. I did that when I felt trapped. I need to forget what I want, and focus on what I need. The problem is, I don't seem to know where one stops and the other begins.

So I focus on the following question now. When I am ruminating over what to do next, I ask myself. "Is it what I want, or what I need? Are they one in the same? Are they two different things?"

Then I have the following stumper. I want picket fences. I want picket fences with my soul mate. Are they mutually exclusive? Or are they mutually exclusive only now with him because of our history? Is he willing to try again? Is there anything wrong with me because I do?

Regardless, I keep coming back to the following realization: I found him, then I fucked it up.

Damn it.

4:20 PM

****

About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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