It's that time of year again, and off I go to the annual Burning Man festival in the Black Rock Desert.
I need to get out of Reno. So many things are going on, and I need to get away from my house. It's only for a week, but it's a week of relative safety away from crap I don't want to deal with.
It's going to be great fun! I'm so looking forward to this time away from home, work and other responsibilities. Disappearing into the desert is just the best thing for me right now.
Last year I learned so much about myself. This reincarnation of my blog is named after the event, it was so moving and pivotal to my life last year. This year holds so much potential, who knows what will happen? Why even guess?
Maybe I'll find myself enough to stand up for myself. Maybe I will discover enough of my inner strength to learn to say no when I need to say no.
The guy who the doctor introduced me to, the one I was dating a couple of months ago asked if I wanted to give it a go again...
But I told him that I couldn't and I wasn't in a place where I was able or willing to do that, there are too many things going on in my life that I don't know how to deal with. I'm overwhelmed and tired. I'm not even sure what to do next...
I did tell him I enjoy hanging out with him as friends.
He took it pretty hard. I understand. He's a nice guy, but I only allow myself to get dumped once. I learned that lesson the hard way from FM.
I can't have my emotions played with, they're way too fragile right now to handle the strain. It's my own weakness. I admit it, but it is what it is.
My ex-husband (the first one) sent me an email the other day with the header "FYI".
I opened it, and the message solely consisted of a link from ScienceDaily and his e-signature. Knowing this wasn't random spam and being that I was curious, I clicked the following link:
And it forwarded me to a secondary literature article describing how Asian-Caucasian hybrids are 34% more likely to have psychiatric disorders than monoracial Asian or Caucasian peers. Okay, sure, some study might have found these results. (The n sample seemed rather small though.) What does it mean to me though? Just because a group is more likely to suffer disorders doesn't mean that one does suffer said disorder, and is by default, a victim of such statistics. And why did my ex e-mail me this link out of context with no explanation? Even a simple "I thought this article might be interesting because of the social implications of biracial disparity" would have been more appropriate. Instead, a random non-contextual e-mail was just dropped in my inbox by a guy I haven't spoken to since July of last year.
What the fuck was that? Is he implying anything? And even if not, it can easily be misconstrued as offensive.
Strange.
But then, should I have expected any more... or less?
I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.
This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable.
This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.
This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this
medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look
back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.
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