Pogonip and Playa Dust

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Faint Calls in the Blackness

FM keeps trying to get in contact with me, but I'm ignoring him. I have to for my own sake. I'm not feeling torn this time, I'm just feeling more frustrated with the situation than annoyed. He texted me the day after my birthday, and I didn't respond to that, and today he's called me twice without leaving a message and I'm obviously not going to pick up my phone when he's ringing.

I feel like texting him back and telling him to leave me alone just so I can make sure that I'm not bothered by him again, but I worry that such an act might give him more impetus to continue to try to attempt contact.

Not sure what to do, but in this case, I'm in at a much more healthy level of general uncertainty. This time I'm not tearing myself apart over a guy who is so toxic.

11:53 PM

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Monday, July 14, 2008

Closed Book

After several unanswered calls from FM, he left one voicemail last night. He told me that after me talking to his parents, my behavior was unacceptable and he never wants to talk to me again.

That's fine. I accept that. If he feels like he needs to tell me that in order to preserve his power, fine. I'm not going to play the game. It's over for me, apparently as much as it is for him.

And I don't even feel sadness.

Amazing, isn't it?

8:33 AM

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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Ripping out the Roots

I'm pretty sure that I can safely say that I'm over FM. It's surprising how it happened, though when actually looking more deeply into the circumstances, I shouldn't be surprised at all.

It all started today when I got a text message from his phone stating that I should call because something was really important. I called 5 minutes later got no answer, and left a voicemail. 20 minutes later I received another text message that he was in the hospital and I should text or call back for more information, but it was written in third person. So I did text and call back... and got nothing. I then called the local hospitals, but there was no record of him. I tried his phone for two hours, and still nothing.

So I did what I thought was right. I looked up his parents and called them. I knew this might have some consequences, but if there was something that was really wrong, then they should know. I got in touch with his mother, and she remembered me from when we had met almost a year ago. I told her exactly what I knew, and she thanked me and told me that she would make some calls.

Three hours later, FM called me and he was furious. He chewed me out for calling his parents and was completely dismissive when I told him that I called them because I thought it was the right thing to do under the circumstances. He briefly explained that he was no longer in the hospital and that his parents showed up at his house, and that they were frightened. He continued and asked me who I was to have the right to tell them and frighten them and then he told me that I was an ass, a fucker, and other various terms.

He then hung up on me.

A few minutes later, his mother called me back and thanked me for telling her about her son, and apologized for his hostility. I asked her not to apologize, and I apologized for frightening her unnecessarily. She explained that she just wants her son to be happy, but that she doesn't know what to do - and I, sadly, agreed with her, because I don't know what to do either.

I told her that I loved her son, but he is unhappy, and hopefully that he finds happiness somewhere. She sadly agreed, and we said our goodbyes.

FM called back and I thought for a second before picking up the phone. I decided to face the music and answered it. I asked him if he needed to continue to yell at me, or had he calmed down. He wanted to yell. Through his repeated "What the fuck do you think you were doing?", I said that at least someone cared about him enough to tell others that he may need help, and that someone cared enough to try to find out how, and his parents cared enough to try to find him. He laughed at me derisively when I said that the reason why I called is because I cared, and told me that I don't have such capacity.

At that point, I apologized for making him upset, but I stood by my decision because I thought it was the right thing to do. He again laughed, and repeated "YOU thought it was the RIGHT thing to do? Who are YOU to think that?"

I told him I was sorry he felt that way, but that is how it was. I apologized again for making him upset, but again, I stood by my decision.

We then fell into silence.

And then he hung up the phone.

This is good for me. I realized just how immature and self-absorbed he is, and how very toxic he really is for me. I knew this already, but this, this really brought it to light and illuminated the shadows that I've been guilding. The gold was stripped and the barrenness of his dark soul was brought to light. This man cares about nothing but himself. He is not somebody I deserve, nor does he deserve me. I need to be free of him, and I think that this incident ripped out the delicate rootlets that were clinging to my heart before they had time to choke me to death.

He continues to try to call, even just now... but I am not going to answer the phone. I need to be free of him. At this moment I know this. I feel the tears, but I dare not shed them lest they fall and nourish the choking vine. I refuse to be strangled.

9:48 PM

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Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Curve Ball

As all this stuff with FM is going on, I get an unexpected message from MFE.

MFE says he thinks about me all the time. I do not want to get between him and his boyfriend. He will never settle, especially not for me.

But in this moment he thinks he wants to. How can I convince him that it would never work without intimating rejection?

9:22 PM

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Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Obsession

So I am risking the fact that I seem wishy washy and indecisive, but I keep calling because you are in the front of my mind and you have been for a long time. I can't help it, and I would consider myself a really strong person normally.

When it comes to you though, I feel halved. I feel it because I know I love you - and I feel torn between my feelings for you and because I want to be near you - and the fact that I feel like a fool around you.

I'm embarrassed...

My first instinct when confronted with tough emotions is to run away, but that strategy doesn't work. It especially doesn't work when it comes to you and how I want you to fit in my life.

You got to me. I know it might not seem like it to you; but You ARE on my mind constantly. and you have been for a long time now.

So.... I'm not asking you to make a choice. I am asking you to forgive my flip-flopping. This push-pull has to stop, and I have to start somewhere. I do want to be in your life if you let me in.... Whatever that means, how close or how far.

I will not run.

9:21 PM

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About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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