FM called today to tell me that he has a boyfriend. He said he feels like an ass and should have told me sooner. He said he is unhappy, but he wants them to work out.
I told him that he should have told me sooner, and that I am very disappointed, but that I want him to be happy, so he has to do what he has to do.
Damn, how do I allow myself to be played like that?
I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry... and I wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about you everyday since that moment you held me when we both cried on the street. If it's not too late, I want to be a part of your life - and I really want you to be a part of mine.
I didn't know how to tell you all this time. I've been afraid of telling you because I know that you could... and you still can ignore me.
I had really strong feelings that I didn't know what to do with then. I didn’t want to get hurt so I pushed you away first. I was selfish... and I was really thinking of myself.
I can't get you out of my head. Your voice... your smell... our conversations, the music you introduced me to, the sound of you breathing as you sleep... everything.
I wanted you to know...meven if it's too late. If you aren't interested, I understand and I will leave you alone. I hope it isn't the case because I would like to hear from you.
Before, I was too scared... and too insecure to stand my ground without running away from you, from anybody. I was so sure I'd get hurt because that is ALL I could think of a year ago.
I've had a bit of time though to heal from my other wounds, and I know that I forced the hand to be on my terms, and I’m sorry for that. It really wasn't fair. And this silence is my fault.
I miss you... I would really like you to call me - I’d be really happy about that. I know you need time to think about it.
I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.
This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable.
This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.
This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this
medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look
back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.
WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you.
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