Pogonip and Playa Dust

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Ghosts of distant staging

Last night for no particular reason, I dreamt about my ex vividly and with much of the emotional frustration and grief that I had when he first walked out of my life. I woke up distraught and stricken, and I had to yank myself out of bed this morning. Before I did get up however, I lay in bed for a moment lost in the memory of him laying next to me, his warm furry body next to mine as it was for years. I then listened intently, dredging up memories of listening to him walk though the hallway through my closed bedroom door. After that moment, I got into the shower and turned the water on to scalding and stood under it as the steam rose around my reddened skin. I took several deep breaths and after a few moments, the feelings slowly slipped away. By the time I stepped out of the shower, the blanket of sadness was gone.

I realized afterwards that only recently have I been referring to my feelings for him in the past tense. It's just been in the past few months that I've begun to say out loud that I 'loved' him. I'm not mixed up, confused, or otherwise ambiguous about him. I have remnants of deep melancholy still when I think of him, but those pieces are muted under the memories of how he almost tore me apart when he left. Whether he intended to or not, he broke me for a long time, and I'm only recently whole again. I most certainly don't want to do myself a disservice by walking a path that brings me to wonder about my self-worth and value again. Still, I must consider where I am, where I was, and how much I've grown, moved on, and stayed put.

To not ever dream about him would be impossible, and hope for such would be impractical to say the least. Still, it's heartening to know that these dreams now come rarely and I am able to shake them off quickly. I no longer spend the day after such rare dreams disparate and awash in feelings of guilt, remorse and desperation.

Small comfort to know that there is growth. The ghosts still haunt me, but I no longer fear the dark.

8:55 AM

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

General background noise

I met a nice guy today at a bar. He was sitting with my primary care doctor. Shook his hand. Nothing major.

He seemed interesting though.

2:33 PM

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Editing the script

I've not heard a peep from FM. I'm not all that terribly surprised. We've played this push-pull game from the very start. I'm actually mildly relieved, because by not hearing from him, I have finally been able to exhale just a bit and calm down. My world does not revolve around him, never has, and I was caught up in this moment of wanting it to so desperately.

I do have strong feelings for him, but I need not lose myself in someone else in general, let alone someone who is probably not in the same place I happen to be in. I need to remember this. I am strong and capable on my own, and yes, while I would like to have someone else in my life, I do not need him at the expense of myself. I am looking for someone who is symbiotic.

Yes, I do wish I could find this quality in him and that he felt the same. However I cannot go digging for it or expect that he will want the same. I can only realize that what is meant to be, will be - and what is not, won't. The best I can hope for is that I realize my own value and continue to encourage and foster myself to be a better, stronger, happier person utilizing the achievable and the available. I do not want to be ancillary in anybodies life.

I can only achieve these things if I realize that I am not a secondary character in my own life and start correlating my goals to my actions. If I start believing that I'm valuable, so will others. If I continue to devalue myself, so will others. I create my own reality. I create my own consequences. I live the life I write. It's time to edit the script.

11:17 AM

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

Stepping back into the fire

I did it.

It has been eating at me for months. I have obsessed, struggled, pleaded with myself, bargained, hesitated and then procrastinated long enough.

I called FM and left a message. A simple message of under a minute stating that I would like to hang out, that I've tried to bump into him around town, and that it'd be great if we could just talk.

There. It's stupid. I'm an idiot. I have however swallowed my pride and made the move that he has asked me to make, that I've wanted to make - but had refused.

I'm stepping back into the fire.

If he doesn't answer me, then I will be able to move on. If he does, then we'll see what happens. I wouldn't ever know what could have been if I didn't make this step, and I would forever wonder why I hadn't ever tried. It's only a step, I'm not moving the world, but even so, it feels as if I am.

I will not obsess. I will not pine. I made the move I needed to make, and now it's time to go live my life as I should and would. There is no point waiting around the phone for something to happen. What will happen will be as it unfolds. I'm going to go and reinforce the value of my life in the meantime.

11:44 AM

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Saturday, March 22, 2008

Voice of Desperation

I'm getting two pieces of advice about FM. Either I'm told to forget him and excise him from my life, or I'm told that I should attempt to reconnect and try one last and final time to see if there is a greater connection between the two of us.

Damn, talk about mixed signals. I'm so torn about what I should do. As I deliberate, time passes by inexorably and I get farther and farther removed from all reasonable hope of reparation. This is supposed to make me feel better. It's supposed to help me let go and extricate. It hasn't though. I long to try again, I idealize, I struggle with my cognitive and emotional halves. Sitting on my hands is getting more difficult, not easier.

The question is simply, why do I desire him more even as I continue to realize all the more clearly that my obsession is unhealthy because I simply can't get him out of my mind?

Every step forward is another step back. Do I continue to ignore the voice in my head that is crying out for me to call him, or do I dig my heels in and hope that this forelorn voice in my head fades away?

7:45 PM

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Thursday, March 20, 2008

Not such a good idea

I've decided that I'm not interested in pursuing TbC, the young man to whom I was introduced in the oh so tangled web of men in this small town. There are many reasons for this, all of which will ultimately protect me. He's cute, but he's not really in the same place I am emotionally. I expected this partially because of the age difference between us, but it's even more pronounced because of several other external variables. He's also a bit of a drinker, and while I don't know him well enough to call him an alcoholic, the signs are certainly there because he drinks to intoxication three to four nights a week. I don't really want to explore that particular path again. I also didn't realize just how recently he had broken up with his previous boyfriend (only about three weeks before I had met him) and he's currently in full rebound mode. He also spends a lot of time with Prof #2's husband, and because they are talking about what they're doing, I am filled in on the sidelines by Prof #2.

Prof #2's husband and TbC sleep together 4 to 5 nights a week. They drink most of the nights they spend together, and they spend most of their late afternoons and evenings together. I'm looking for a relationship, not a hookup, and in this young man I'm afraid I will not find what I'm looking for. It made it all the more awkward that I am not supposed to know what I know, and what is going on behind the scenes. Yet, here I am. I still do know. I also believe that I am apparently just a warm body, and I really don't want relegated to ancillary yet again. I am looking for more, and with a person who is spending much of his time with someone else, I probably am not the one he is looking for.

In other circumstances, I would be totally fine with this. I have had many no-strings-attached sexual relationships the past few years and I'm very comfortable with them because I knew where the boundaries were and I knew what I wanted from these encounters and friendships. Now however, I'm not in the market for an encounter, I'm in the market for a relationship, and one (in my belief) can't be built on quite an openly sexual setting because of the lack of established trust and mutual understanding. Perhaps later such behavior can again be explored if both parties are willing and comfortable, but not at the beginning.

I have been pulling back from my sexual relationships for awhile. While I haven't fully stopped or disengaged from all of my contacts, I have cut sexual ties with most of them. I only have two active sexual partners left at this point, SOF and Prof #2, and I've put some distance between each of them. As I date, I stop engaging with them, and as break away from dating, I am open to meeting up again for sex. While I'm dating, I think that it's important for me to not be acting out sexual needs with others, and instead I should be focusing that energy on the person I'm seeing. Not intensely focusing, but focusing nonetheless.

I'm currently in a period where I'm unattached again, but even now I'm putting some distance with my sexual partners as I emotionally prepare myself to take the next step, whenever and with whomever it might happen. I don't see myself really dating anytime soon because of my poor track record, but I really want to be in a place where I'm open to healthy options. One of the ways to do that hopefully is to disentangle as completely as possible.

6:57 PM

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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

A web so thick it might as well be a wall

This week's theme is apparently entanglement because of all the things going on in my life and the lives of those close to me. Things have gotten a lot more complicated, but not necessarily for the worse - it's just that the web of relationships is getting thicker and thicker even as I stand back and watch. I admit to watering and fertilizing the brambles a little bit, but even if I hadn't, the growth would have spontaneously formed on its own. As this tangled mess begins to take shape, I find myself on the outside. Not by intent of others so much as my own choice, I must clarify. I am delicately trying to extricate myself as I try to find my own path independent of the others around me.

It is terribly awkward though because of just how tangled everything is right now. I am friends with and I hang out with both Prof #2 and his husband. Additionally, I have had sex with Prof #2 and his husband does not know about our long history even as they are becoming more open about their present. That's just the beginning of the weirdness taking shape. Just as TbC has been in the mix now that Prof #2 and his husband officially have an open relationship, Prof #2 has made known his interest in one of my close friends and one of his former students. This student is no longer an undergrad and is now in grad school, and has been mildly interested in Prof #2 himself. Being that I'm trying to create some healthy boundaries between Prof #2 and myself, I took it upon myself to play matchmaker and set these two up. For the past several months there has been light flirting between the two of them at various functions I've hosted - the only times they see each other socially. So I sped up the process by letting them know that they were both interested in each other and that they should pursue potential opportunities if they were interested.

Both have partners, both are frustrated. Both find the other attractive, and I need space. What better deal is that? Everyone is happy. The awkwardness now is that both Prof #2 and my friend hit it off really well, and have spent as much time together in the past week as Prof #2's husband and the young man I was interested in for that short time. I'm a little worried about the intensity of the passion that has manifested, and although Prof #2's husband is fully aware of this affair (the four of them, Prof #2, his husband, my friend, and TbC) all had dinner together last night and both partners went to bed with their respective 'boyfriends', I foretell a disaster beginning to take shape.

I was talking to my friend last night, and he explained to me in detail what was going on, and just how much time they had spent together the past week, 6 out of 7 nights (I had heard a similar story from Prof #2 the night before). I told him that perhaps he should reconsider his boundaries because he does have a boyfriend who does not know what is going on, and that much time for an extended period of time could create opportunities for emotional attachments that may not be ultimately welcome for one or the other of them. Also I told him to be careful, because (while hopefully I'm wrong), I can see that the relationship between Prof #2 and his husband is beginning to unravel, even as they both think things are getting better. I've seen this in many relationships (including my own), and while opening the sexual nature of the relationship up can lead to stronger relationships, this time it doesn't seem to be the case. In this particular example, Prof #2 and his husband are not coming closer together, they're moving further and further apart as they spend night after night in other people's beds, and not in their own with each other.

But I'm not any one's mother, nor am I a savior. The only thing I can do is support all of them, including supporting my friend who is getting involved with them - especially because it's partially my own doing that brought them together. For that, amongst other things, I will try to protect him to the best of my ability while still affording him the ability to enjoy himself without premonitions of gloom and doom. Still, for my own safety from this and all the other reasons I've explored in this entry, I'm extricating myself from this tangled web. It's the only safe thing for me to do. And yes, while I feel only mildly put out that Prof #2 is so enamored with my friend more than he ever was with me, I am still very happy that he's having fun.

I am also still feeling lonely, and I think that this feeling is in part, the reason for my relatively negative perception. Both Prof #2 and my friend have apparently been discussing my current condition, and are (in their own words) harboring feelings of guilt about their own intensity as it relates to me. I have really attempted and have yet been successful at minimizing my own melancholy, because I really don't want to dampen their fun (again within reasonable limits, such as reminding them both of appropriate boundaries). Still, I do feel a bit blue. I keep finding alcoholics and emotionally unavailable men. I keep trying to broaden my horizons, but thus far it's been a losing battle. What I can actually do about that to make it better, I'm not quite sure but I've got to keep my chin up.

6:51 PM

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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

That time again

I had the important and lengthy chat with OBD last week about where we were going in terms of dating. I had come to the point where I realized that we weren't going anywhere and it was time to disengage. He had become more and more distant this past month, and for a couple of weeks at a time, I'd signal that we should get together, hang out, or just talk and I'd still not hear back from him. I started resorting to smoke signals, trying to get his attention, and when that didn't work, I tracked him down in person and told him that we needed to sit down together and talk.

My goal wasn't to make him uncomfortable or hurt him, but my own continuing reservations coupled with his lack of communication and seeming interest made it past due to have the conversation that this just wasn't working. I wanted to move on, but I didn't want to just do it without delineating an endpoint. I had already slipped up once by sleeping with Mr. TbC (sleeping being the key word), but I didn't want to keep doing that and add further insult to injury, even if he doesn't know. Again, my goal isn't to hurt OBD. He is a really nice person, he's just not right for me, and perhaps I'm not right for him. I don't want to hurt TbC either, but I get the feeling thankfully that such a thing wouldn't happen anyway.

I wouldn't know what was going to happen until I talked to OBD about it. I was avoiding talking to him because I didn't want to deal with the confrontation or the consequences, but I needed to pull my balls back down and just go through with it. So I made a trip to the bar when my friend who was already there texted me that OBD was already there. It was incredibly awkward anyway, but I finally was able to set up a time the next day when we could sit down and talk. I refused to talk about this topic at a bar, and I refused to talk about it when he was tipsy. He wasn't drunk, but it wasn't the right time nor place, so I hoped he wouldn't cancel and actually show up.

He seemed oblivious as to why I wanted to chat with him, asking me if he should change into nicer clothing after his work shift the next day, but I told him that a change of clothes wasn't necessary.

We met up the next evening after he finished his shift at 9 p.m at Java Jungle. Being that there was event there, we ended up next door at Java Vino with juice. After some small talk for about a half hour, I came out with it and said that the way the things were going thus far wasn't working for me, and I wanted to take a break from it and try to be friends instead. He stopped and looked at me for a moment, and then he told me that he knew this conversation was coming but was trying to avoid it and was hoping to 'fix things' before I brought it up. He said that he pulls back when he's uncertain, and because of his feelings about his ex with the relatively recent breakup that he just had, not being sure what he wants, and the fact that he freaked out when we tried to have sex, he was a lot more messed up then he had thought he was. I disagreed about him being messed up, telling him that such questions were normal, but yes, it was probably too soon for him to be pursuing anything new and that perhaps he should explore himself more.

I also told him that I would be a much better friend to him than anything else at this point.

He looked as if he was on the verge of crying for a moment, and then he swallowed it, and we continued talking. We ended up talking for almost four hours. We talked about him going to school and about his impending fatherhood. We talked about what he wants from life and where he thinks he's going. We talked about games and mutual friends. We talked as friends, and that was so much less awkward than all the other conversations we had ever had before.

I'm really glad that I didn't take the advice of almost everybody around me and just disappear. That would have been cruel and childish, and while it took me long enough to get to this point, I'm really proud of myself that I was able to do what I needed to do without running away or hiding from it. The lengthy amount of time apparently allowed us both to have the space and the time to mull over what was going on, and this conversation ultimately wasn't a surprise to either of us.

While uncomfortable, it was constructive. That made it a lot less painful. Hopefully for both of us.

7:23 PM

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Monday, March 17, 2008

Chucking the Broken Stuff

I've discovered a recent pattern of behavior in myself that I'm disturbed by; I have been the instrument breaking off budding relationships with everyone of the guys that I've dated, tried to date, or been seeing with the potential of dating. With current hindsight, these decisions to cut ties have been for my own safety and standards, and for those reasons alone, the decisions I've made are good enough for now.

It still is disturbing however, because not that long ago, I was a man who would stick through almost any difficulty and try to make the impossible work. So perhaps I have grown a bit by being mildly more selfish. I have finally begun to take my own life, my own needs, and my own desires into consideration. I realize that I can't help everybody. I am not intrinsically responsible for others, I am only responsible for others by choice. I am not selfish if I pursue happiness as long as I'm not exploiting others. Knowing all of these things, why am I still uncomfortable?

I am disturbed because I have never allowed myself to be selfish before, at least, not actively. I have always reigned myself in, prevented myself from acting selfishly, and punished myself if I did act in such a way. Punishing myself was the way I repented, and is a distinctive holdover from an overly and overtly conservative religion from childhood. It's about time that I throw yet another useless and destructive tool from my childhood out the window. Self-hatred and guilt about any semblance of selfishness is certainly a tool worth tossing.

Simply throwing these beliefs out isn't going to solve my problem, however. I need to do more than just that. There is a problem with throwing things out the window and trying to forget because it's easy to go outside and pick up the discarded things again. When one feels nostalgic or otherwise needy, the old ways are easy to retrieve and reutilize, no matter how old, moldy and inappropriate they may be. I have to do more than throw out my repression and guilt, I have to reshape these things into positive behaviors that no longer resemble the old ways. I have begun to engage in constructive selfishness, but I still feel guilt and have the general sense of unease about what I'm doing and why. Instead of being disturbed, I should be happy that I am making better choices for better reasons. I should be happy that I am standing up for myself.

This transformation of emotional engagement will take time. Again, as I keep reminding myself, I have all the time in the world - so it's no big deal as long as I see the goals ahead of me. As long as I stay generally focused, I can enjoy the journey while still making progress toward my goal. Even when the journey isn't so fun (such as my current circuit of dating), I can still move forward.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm reshaping the things I can, tossing out what I can't reconstruct, and slowly but progressively moving forward. I want to be happy, I want others to be happy, and one doesn't have to preclude the other. My recent pattern of letting people go as I find out who they are, without malice or ill feelings, is part of this process. There is nothing wrong with it, and it's a healthy part of dating as I try to find the right person. I don't need Mr. Right Now, I need to find Mr. Right For Me, and this is the only way to go about it... one step at a time.

Who knew?

2:56 AM

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Sunday, March 16, 2008

Setback, of sorts

I've had FM in my head all day. I can't shake him.

Strangeness. Feelings of deep sadness and longing accompanies these thoughts, as they often do.

I still can't seem to shake him. I want to, I dearly do. It's just not happening.

Seriously... he treated me like shit and wanted me to take care of him. Why do I still obsess about him so much?

12:27 AM

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Thursday, March 13, 2008

Charmed, Tangled, and Threading through

I spent the night with Mr. Tangled but Charming last night. And that's all we did, we spent the night together. It was really sweet and while neither of us slept well for other reasons, I still went to work the next morning feeling relaxed, comfortable, and uplifted.

Sounds like a fucking spiritual revival...

Whatever.

I have to admit that I am a little guarded. Perhaps even a lot guarded. Dating hasn't been going too terribly well. Lately it hasn't been horrible or even bad, it's just not good or great. It just is. I'm afraid that I am just setting myself up for one failure after another because of my own high expectations. I'm not planning on lowering those expectations, but I do plan on re-evaluating them. I need to dig down and find out some more about what the reasoning for my expectations, my needs, my silent or overt demands are. I'm looking for someone intelligent, loving, physically expressive, stable, and confident. I want to be able to show the same without fear or shame.

I don't think I need to compromise those things in general. What I do need to do though is start at the beginning. In this case, the beginning is becoming comfortable with dating because the only way to meet men who meet my needs in the above categories is to find out in person. The only way to do that is by dating.

It's so fucking circular.

I just missed the boat on dating in my early youth. I got married so young, then settled into another long-term relationship soon after the first one ended. Before my recent 'divorce', I had only dated five guys in my life, including the two men I was in long-term relationships with for a full decade. My dating experience is admittedly practically nill.

Not that this is an excuse. It's not. I just have to start accepting that the person of my fantasies and expectations does not have to be moulded, they just have to be who they are. I'm learning that I don't have to latch on to the first (or second) guy that comes across my life and who is interested in me. I don't have to latch on because I'm no longer afraid that they are the last and only person who I will cross paths with who might be interested. I have always had this irrational fear that I was and am unlovable. I have always felt that I was ugly (it's stupid, but I really did - and my last relationship had really reinforced that concept deeply. No matter how much I had thought I had overcome it then, I realize now just how much I had internalized my ex's rejection). I felt like a failure across multiple fronts.

I am none of those things; I am especially not a failure. Being single and being forced to live with myself, to live in my own head despite all my insecurities and external manifestations of grief has somehow strengthened my self-confidence and bolstered my own sense of value. Yes, I'm still bewildered about why and how life has brought me to the place it has, but even so, I'm more at peace at my present than ever before. This doesn't mean that I don't want to change or grow, I just don't beat myself up as much as I once had.

I oscillate between confidence and insecurity. The oscillations are becoming less frequent though, although I still feel the urge to hate myself more often than I'd like. Of course harboring feelings of self-hatred at any time really is more often than one would probably choose. Thankfully I'm not wallowing in self-despair as I had only a few months before, and I'm actually seeing light from time to time. My life ain't roses, but whose really is utopian? I've got what I've got, I ain't ugly, and I'm a damn good catch. Now I just have to do some work of my own and cast back.

And that's what I'm doing. Meeting, or rather, being pushed into Mr. TbC is one of these new experiences. The only way to find is to explore; the only way to explore is to be open to the possibility and to not try so hard. So I'm not trying too hard. I'm just going with the flow, enjoying the ride, and enjoying myself. What else is there to do?

In the meantime, my friend Joel is a little weirded out that I'm seeing this guy. It's a small town and apparently TbC was dating a QSU student not too long ago. I don't know much about it, or even much about the QSU student in question (which is also odd, but expected now that I've been away from the group for a year). I'm trying to dig more out of my friend, but I'll work on that. I don't need to hurry on that issue either. I'm sure it'll sort itself out. Who's in a hurry?

I've got all the time in the world to untangle.

6:24 PM

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Tangled Beyond Recognition

I'm trying to keep on this one, but even as I live through it, I'm having difficulties staying abreast on this. What a convoluted situation this is. Nothing bad, but tangled nonetheless.

Again, Prof #2 has been interested in being more sexually active. I held him off for so long because he was becoming (in my assessment) a bit too close, this was especially so as I was attempting to date OBD. About two weeks ago, we hooked up and a had a good time. While we were talking about it afterwards, he lamented that he hadn't had sex since the last time the two of us engaged in November. He was frustrated, but happy that I was available, even if intermittently.

This last Saturday though was unusual. Prof #2 called up and basically invited himself over. He said his husband was in San Francisco and he wanted to 'hang out'. This wasn't a problem per se. I had told him sometime before that he should be more forward about inviting himself over, but my original intention was regarding inviting himself over for social functions, not sexual functions. No matter, it worked out and I was available and um, receptive. He made it to my place in record time, showing up at my front door only 15 minutes after he got the okay.

After a fun time, we talked about what was going on in his life. He mentioned that he is going through a weird time because his husband had suddenly announced two weeks before that he wanted to open up their relationship. Apparently he and his husband didn't have a prior arrangement, and Prof #2's engagement in general was on the sly. We were hush hush just to prevent weirdness for other social arrangements, and that continues to be appropriate. His husband however, wanted to officially open up the relationship and engage with others as a couple. A week later he introduced Prof #2 to the new guy.

According to Prof #2, the new guy is a 21 year old twink sort who is the ideal 'type' of his husband, but not so much for himself. However, he's having fun, and he states that he's happy that he's been able to have sex with his husband for the first time in almost a decade. He thinks this boy is fun, but not as much fun as being able to be with his husband.

He was trying to describe this person to me, and I had a vague idea of who it was. But I wasn't sure. I had heard his name before, but I couldn't remember where. I shrugged it off, and I wished him both a good time and luck.

Later that night I was going to a birthday party of an old friend of mine. He had turned 30 and we were going out to celebrate. After dinner we headed out to the bars to go dancing. We found ourselves at Tronix and while the music was pretty lame, it was serviceable.

After a couple of hours there, Prof #2's husband showed up with this guy. I had a moment of shock. He was a QSU student! Holy crap! I remembered that I had met him not long before. He was at some QSU event, and that stopped me in my tracks.

"I think he's from QSU," I texted Prof #2.

"Really, are you sure?" He texted back.

"Yup, I saw him at at least one meeting. Maybe a couple more."

"I don't think so. He's never mentioned it."

"Hmm. Pretty sure."

"Ugh, I hope not."

"Me too. My own boundary issues are torqued."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I put up a huge mental block for a really long time. Otherwise I'd be dating Nathan (a QSU student who expressed interest in me a couple of years ago).

"I feel really weird about this. I really don't think he is."

"Ok, I'll go find out."

I headed over to them and said hello. Prof #2's husband gave me a big hug.

"We just got back from San Francisco," he said.

"Really?" I said back, smiling obliquely as I pretended to not know anything.

He explained that they left that morning made to San Francisco, went drinking, then drove back home.

"Uh huh," I responded. What kind of role model are you, I'm thinking.

"Well, hope you had a good time," I said out loud.

"We sure did!"

The young guy smiled shyly at me.

I smiled back at them, "Well, have a great time tonight!"

I hugged them and left them so that I could hang out with my other friends. A couple of hours later, as I was taking a break, Prof #2's husband came up to me and grabbed me. "Lets go dance to terrible music!"

I turned my my friends as I was being pulled away and shrugged. They waved good-bye and smiled big.

We danced for a while, and I held back a bit because I didn't want to get too close and I had the issue of knowing they were engaging in behavior that I wasn't supposed to know about or read into. Ah it was complicated. But I wasn't even prepared for what was going to happen next.

At some point, Prof #2's husband leaned over to us and said that he wanted to go to smoke. He then pushed us together. My eyebrows went up, but I thought, whatever. As we were dancing alone, this other guy kept getting closer and closer. My mind went into overdrive - and then I realized it. So I shut it down and lived in the moment.

And he danced closer.

I admit to looking around, keeping my eye out for Prof #2's husband, but I wasn't too overtly concerned. He showed up after twenty minutes or so and physically pushed us together. That was completely unexpected and I almost lost my balance. My mind went back into overdrive. What was he doing? He leaned over soon afterword and said in a voice that only I could hear, "He really likes you." I faltered a moment and thought what? And then after a moment's ponder, I was grateful that heterosexual norms are not ones to which I have to subscribe.

Prof #2's husband left again leaving us together. This time I thought, what the hell, so when the guy danced closer, I got closer. We ended up dancing pretty hot and heavy - and we were apparently quite the show. At one point, a guy in his early twenties interrupted us and asked if we were looking for a third. We smiled at him and said no thanks.

We didn't do a lot of talking. I was kind of a dork, but I always am around cute blond guys. I have no idea why. Can't help it though.

About 4 in the morning, Prof #2 said that he was ready to leave and he wanted me to take this guy home. How blatantly obvious. He didn't want to go home and wanted something to eat, so we went to the Peppermill for their late breakfast menu. We talked and I found out that he had been a foreign exchange student in Southern France for two years. That was interesting! We talked about various things and had a nice time. I then took him home, and parked in front of his house. I told him goodnight, and that I hoped to see him again soon.

"Are you sure you don't want to come in?" he asked.

"I don't think so. I'm really tired."

"I don't want to pressure you, but I really would like you to stay over.."

"The only thing I'm going to do is sleep."

"That's just fine, my bed is really comfortable."

He gave me big puppy dog eyes. How could I say no to that?

"Okay then, just sleeping!"

"Sure!"

So we went in to his place. He has two female roommates, and the place was very smartly decorated. His own bedroom, while relatively spartan was also well decorated. It was late though, and we both really just wanted to sleep. So we stripped down to our underwear and crawled into bed. Shortly thereafter, I fell asleep.

We cuddled the entire night, waking up intermittently to spoon in different configurations. We slept until 1 or so in the afternoon, and we woke up both feeling amorous. We fooled around a bit, nothing of which would have gotten either of us in trouble, and then we fell asleep in each other's arms again.

We woke up at 5 p.m., finally crawled out of bed, and went to dinner. I was extremely hungry, and whenever I'm hungry I act like an idiot. I tend to blame it on the hypoglycemia. I wasn't terribly chatty, but neither was he. We seemed to enjoy each other's company, and that in itself was nice. Honestly, cuddling with him reminded me of cuddling with Bit, a very pleasant association.

Still, because of the complicated nature of the relationships associated with this particular young man, it'll be interesting to say the very least. I'm going to be hanging out with Prof #2 in the next couple of days to watch British TV, so it's be a good opportunity to feel out the boundaries and the options - as well as get some advice.

So we'll see. You know. You can't make this shit up.

12:41 AM

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Monday, March 10, 2008

Sexual Renaissance

This past week after deciding that things between OBD and I wouldn't be working out, the pitter patter has picked up again. In this case, my sexual activity is in the middle of a rebirth. Old friends who have been relatively quiet are making their voices and intentions known.

Prof #2 has been really active, calling me up and initiating. Normally he waits until we run into each other in normal everyday settings and then he asks. This has been limiting for him because we don't see each other all that often, and when we do, it's generally in inappropriate settings where neither of us would feel comfortable asking. This has meant that we haven't met up a lot over the past couple of years. This past month was completely dry because I was trying the dating thing, and I wasn't available during that time.

He's been chomping at the bit, and I've been hold him off - until recently. In the past two weeks we've hooked up a couple of times because he's called. Unusual, but not unwelcome. It's just... unexpected.

Simultaneously my former employer has also begun calling and texting me again. I'm baffled about the sudden resurgence of interest, especially owing to the fact that I've been pretty clear about the boundaries. He's pretty bold about it too, asking me to 'top him' over and over again. Wow. I used to fantasize about that - a lot.

Nowadays and almost a decade later, not so much.

SOF has also been persistent. He's also been proclaiming his love for me. Now this would normally weird me out, but he's been very careful to say that he loves me in a very different sense than what is ordinary. He doesn't want to leave his partner and he also doesn't want me to be tied to him. He just wants me to know that I am apparently one of the most important people in his life. I feel the same, he's a very important, very cherished person in my life and I'm lucky to have him in it. Still, if I think about it too much it could be weird because we do have a father-son like relationship and the sexual aspect makes it awkward when thinking about it in such a way.

So I won't.

All three have been pushing forward, and several previously uninvolved people have also been making advances of late. I haven't followed up with them, as I haven't followed up with at least one of my aforementioned. Still, I am heading towards sexual freedom again, and I am looking forward to the rebirth of my sexuality.

It's time to get my game on.

12:40 AM

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Thursday, March 6, 2008

Exhausted

The semester is wearing on me, and I'm winding down ever so slowly. I'm not emotionally exhausted so much as physically, but that is enough to slow me down quite a bit. I'm generally getting enough sleep, and I'm spending a lot of time alone so I can recover, but even still, it doesn't seem as if it's enough.

Part of it of course is the sheer number of hours that I'm putting into work. These past few weeks, as I have every semester for the past eight years, I've been working 65-70 hour weeks. There are always more things to do, always more projects to finish, always students to assure, help and aide. It doesn't end until the semester ends, and until then, it's keep up or perish.

I'm not anywhere close to perishing, but I am very tired nonetheless.

Another part of this exhaustion, I think, is that I'm generally bored. I'm bored with my career. I'm bored at home. I'm bored by myself. Being bored, I'm not reinvigorated, and not being so has reinforced my disinterest in other things. I'm not depressed at this point, and gosh knows I am intimately familiar with those feelings. I'm just not interested or engaged. The guy I'm seeing isn't doing it for me. At the soonest opportunity when I see him again (which has been a difficult proposition at this point because of our disjointed schedules and the fact that he isn't pursuing plans) I should probably make overtures to end this attempt at dating.

He's a nice guy, but there is no passion, and while at first I offered opportunities to hang out at least once a week, he has made no such overtures. The past two weeks I haven't seen him and he hasn't offered to try to meet up even for tea or coffee. Last week I tried a couple of times to see him in person, but he had other commitments or bailed on me, and this week neither of us have really tried. Our text communication has also fallen off markedly. I think we both are beginning to see the writing on the wall. I rather not choose to be the type of person who starts a potentially difficult conversation over the phone either in audio or text; I want to see him in person to have this conversation. Regardless, I don't see a long term future with him as a partner, and simply seeing him as we have (or at this point, as we haven't) isn't all that fun either.

I'm having more fun with Mr. Wonderful, and we've transitioned to friends over the past couple of months. He's a guy with whom I have quite a bit in common even though we do come from very different backgrounds. We both take the time to see each other at least once a week and our conversations go beyond the daily grind and video games. No, he's not relationship material because of the fact that he's still in another one, but he's become a great friend who I've bonded with rather quickly. I haven't done anything quite like that with OBD.

Which brings up a point that I'm beginning to reinforce in my own mind. I'm looking for a friend first, a relationship second. Or better put, I'm looking for a relationship in which the person is much akin to a best friend. I recently had a conversation with another friend where I was lamenting the fact that I couldn't talk with OBD about very many topics, and how I wish we had more recreational interests in common. He told me that I was perhaps expecting too much and had set my sights too high because he rarely talked to his partner about topics in which he is interested and has little recreational similarities.

I was aghast. I can't imagine such a relationship! How could someone put up with that for months or even years? I would be so frustrated and bored. It has only been a few weeks in my case, and I'm already bored. Perhaps my expectations are too high. Perhaps they are unrealistic. Perhaps there are viable relationships that exist where two people have little in common and coexist harmoniously through the strength of their differences. Such a thing, however, is not in my paradigm. Perhaps this is a major component of what went wrong with my past relationships, perhaps we had too much in common and competed. Perhaps it's not that at all.

Upon reflection, I find that my relationships began to disintegrate when we diverged too much. We did well when our interests strongly correlated. When on the same page, we reinforced each other's interests, we learned more, and we interacted more. When our interests began to diverge, our emotional and physical intimacy quickly followed suit. Apparently, in my life, convergent interests is a strong requisite to emotionally intimate relationships.

Is this an irrational need? Should I pursue a differential agenda? I don't know. I don't know because the patterns of the past are obviously not working. If they were, I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm not in a bad place, but I am in a place where I would rather not be at. I don't really want to be single. Why? Because I value companionship. I work best with a cohort because I am a team player. I just need to find myself a viable team. Such is much easier said than done apparently.

In the meantime doing all the work of living life solo is exhausting. Being alone gets really boring really quickly. The silence at home because I'm not talking to anyone about my day has gotten really old. The simple things I loved before when in a relationship are not as much fun anymore. Take gardening for example. I loved gardening at home in a small part because I knew there would be a sandwich ready when I came back into the house and somebody appreciated the work that I had done. Now the only admirer is myself and I'm forced to make my own damn sandwiches. That isn't nearly as fun.

It really actually sorta sucks.

6:54 PM

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Monday, March 3, 2008

Response

I ended up sending FM a response the next morning after sleeping on (and dreaming about) his text message the night before.

I texted back:

To answer your question... No. But there would have to be some serious soul searching about expectations on both sides. The questions we need to answer are: Why do we want what we want from each other? Are the expectations reasonable to project? Are the expectations even reasonable for each other to accept? If the answer is yes to the last two questions and reasonable for the first, then we should talk - and move slowly.

Hopefully I'm not getting myself into something for which I can't ultimately deal.

My friends are going to be pissed if they know that I'm even considering opening the door again. I'm not going to tell them. I just leave it here.

7:02 PM

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The pitter patter picks up

I just received a text message from FM.

It asks,

Do you think dating is out of the question for you and i

I still think about him so very much. Our random encounters these past couple of months have been very uncomfortable because we both obviously have so many unspoken feelings that are just floating under the surface. I don't talk to him because I still want him so very badly.

I'm not dealing with these feelings because I have so much ambivalence in just how exactly I am going to deal with this. I want him in my life. I can't have him in my life if he is self-destructive. I can't have in him my life if his presence makes me self-destructive.

I want passion in my life. He certainly brought that, passionate desire, passionate anger, passionate insecurity, passionate caretaker. I felt all those things so intensely with him. I feel them even now.

What is it about him that draws me so intensely close? What about him drives me so far away?

The push-pull continues. My heart races. Is this love? Is this infatuation? Am I crazy?

12:15 AM

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Saturday, March 1, 2008

The brakes are still on

It's been a tough time writing lately. I haven't been motivated to put fingers to keyboard.

Things are still progressing slowly with OBD. We haven't tried any sexual attempts after the last time I wrote, and it isn't for lack of my innuendo.

Truly we haven't had a lot of time together because of the incompatibility of both of our schedules, and that has forced things to progress relatively slowly. We chat everyday through text, but that is limited and for me, stilted. It seems to work for him though. Also as we talk and text, I find more and more definitively that while on the surface we have a lot in common, the depth is lacking. I don't feel stimulated or engaged. I don't feel as if he can keep up, although I'm sure he can and has so much more to offer than he's currently shown. He just hasn't shown it yet. He's had so many hard times in his life as I have, and he's survived them and for that I admire him, but... There's just that 'but' in the back of my mind. I still think he is very sweet, but I'm really not into this. I'm not sure why.

I think that perhaps I'm still feeling FM in the back of my mind. I'm sure that's part of it, and I can't commit to anyone else until I deal with this particular issue. I also have continuing thoughts regarding the sexual differential right now. I know that he might be going slow because that is part of what he wants to feel comfortable and respected. I understand that, so I have been respecting his space and his comfort zone. However I am more strongly reminded of the issues of my ex. That probably doesn't bode really well.

I don't want to jump into anything, but I also want to feel immersed in the person I'm dating if I'm going to pursue something more. I don't just want to settle because the other guy seems nice, just to find myself in a place where we really weren't into each other all along. The last time I invited him over to my house, I pulled him on me, just to see if he'd take it farther. He lay on me and I held him. I tried to kiss him, but he just pecked me. I tried again and he did it again. We ended up just staying like that. I fell asleep as he lay on me, and that was encouraging because I felt comfortable enough to do that, but even still I don't want to just feel comfortable, I want to feel passionate. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know I should be listening to my gut. My gut is confused, and therefore so are my actions.

On the back of my mind, I want to break this off now before either one of us gets hurt. I already know that hurt is going to be felt, but neither one of us are really invested right now. No time is a good time. Now is probably the best time.

Damn.

How do I do this without waiting for him to break it off with me. I am so worried about hurting him and much less worried about my own feelings. I want him to get tired first so he feels that he has the power. Why do I feel like this? Why do I wish to be the one who gets tossed aside rather than the other way around? Why do I feel like I am tossing him aside, when I'm really more concerned about his feelings than my own? Simultaneously am I really concerned about his feelings if I'm so preoccupied with the fact that I'm not really into him in the first place?

Then I ask myself, is he really into me? Does it matter?

9:08 PM

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About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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