Pogonip and Playa Dust

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Keeping my foot on the brakes

I'm starting slow with OBD, I'm in no hurry to make this happen more quickly than we are both ready, and I'm also trying to feel out what is comfortable in this thing called dating.

We went out on Friday night.

It was a really nice evening. We went to a lovely dinner at Francis' Asian Bistro in Caughlin Ranch and then afterwards we had desert at the Chocolate Bar just outside of downtown.

After a long dessert and a pleasant walk through chilly downtown around Wingfield park in the darkness, we headed back to his car.

We decided to head to my place to watch a movie.

We cuddled on the sofa and watched the movie. I was open to more and I subtly tried to initiate more. He played along for awhile and we fooled around a little bit. He wasn't really interested in going very far, which I respected.

Afterwards, he talked of a general repulsion towards semen, which is a bit of a red flag to me. My ex also had a very similar repulsion that ultimately was a big part of the issues of our relationship, and it got in the way. Now this young man isn't my ex, but I worry just the same. The fact that he wants to just jump up and shower as soon as he cums signals to me that he feels that what had happened is dirty and needs to be wiped away. There is no cuddling, there is no time for bliss, it's shower and done.

I'm going slow as it is. This just makes me want to go slower. He's a nice guy. I appreciate that, but I'm concerned. Where do I go from here?

7:14 PM

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Saturday, February 16, 2008

Sticky Complications

FM called me on Friday. He wanted to talk to me about still being friends, but I was really not able to do that. He was upset about how my friends have been acting toward him these past few weeks when he runs into them.

I don't blame him for being frustrated. I would be too, I'd imagine. Even through his frustration, he's making efforts to try to reconnect, and I'm shutting it down. I have to for my own personal safety. I could so easily try again. In my head, I want to - then I remember how emotionally upside down I was.

I can't do that again to myself. Not yet.

Damn, it's so sticky. I think about him constantly, but I can't let him know that. It's so complicated. How do I simplify this?

12:08 PM

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Two Year Anniversary

Today is the second anniversary of me blogging about my crazy mixed up life. My how have things changed in the past couple of years. My how my writing has changed in these past two years as well. While I've only been blogging at this address since July, my former blog is really the progenitor - and this is the natural evolution of such steamy stuff. One can only keep up with that kind of writing for so long before it gets boring.

Yes, I know that writing about my deepest thoughts is pretty dry stuff, especially compared to the hard-core sex I was writing about earlier. I just am taking a break from that for a while, it still resonates within me, I might be sharing that kind of stuff again at some point in the future.

I just don't know when.

The old blog was pretty popular, lots of people all over the world tuned in to read about my encounters. Far fewer people read what I write now, and surprisingly I'm actually pretty happy with a reduced readership. I feel a sense of false privacy in my public writings now and that comforts me.

Silly me.

In the meantime, writing about the emotional stuff has really been a vehicle for healing and growth. I started out believing in monogomy. I have changed so markedly, but so much of me is still the same as I always was. The foundation cracked when the hurricane winds of divorce tore away the frame, but the concrete is still there. I haven't ripped it out yet. I don't plan on doing that either.

11:40 AM

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Thursday, February 14, 2008

A day like any other

Happy VD everybody.

Yes. It's supposed to have that discordant ring.

Meh.

5:39 PM

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Monday, February 11, 2008

Bendy and Stretchy

I participated in yoga for the first time in my life yesterday. I have heard about it for a very long time (who hasn't), yet as with anything that is extremely popular, I've been reluctant to try. This year of change however has found me doing and trying things that I haven't considered before.

A former student, now friend, was there helping out the instructor who was teaching the class for the first time. It was a small class of six, and so there was a lot of one-on-one instruction and technique modification. Three of us were first timers and the other three were novices, so it was nice to have two people to guide us through the process.

Apparently I'm pretty limber. My friend was really surprised that I apparently have an extremely wide range of movement, considering that I don't work out, I don't generally stretch, and because of my age. I was actually hyper extending through some of the positions and she insisted that I come back a bit so that I didn't potentially hurt myself. Strange.

Who knew you could stretch too much? I certainly didn't know. I thought that as long as the stretch wasn't painful, then it was fine. I guess not.

After the class, I felt calmer and relaxed. I wasn't sore and I really enjoyed myself. It was definitely an experience worth repeating. I even slept better last night than I have in a long time. While I have a long way to go, especially in trying to remember position configurations (but with friendly instructors, that's not so much of a problem) I guess that yoga is something that I should be doing more often. I've heard yoga calms heart and the mind. Given more practice so that I don't have to concentrate so much on what exactly I'm doing versus just assuming the various postions, I think that perhaps yoga just might do that for me.

8:49 PM

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Sunday, February 10, 2008

Riding Inertia

My brother and his wife were in town this weekend, and they wanted to see some of the Reno nightlife. Being that I'm not too familiar with the straight world, I asked them if they were okay with the gay clubs. Both were down for it, and so I called up some friends and set up an evening out.

I took my brother and sister-in-law to the Five Star to start out. We left a little early, and my friends and I know that the dance club doesn't pick up until about 11:30 to 12 o'clock in the morning, so we thought we'd go shoot some pool first. While there we ran into a lot of other friends, and I negotiated introductions.

We all got drinks, and chatted for awhile. After being there for about 20 minutes, we pull out the change for the pool table and I look up toward the entrance. I see this face in the distance and vaguely recognized FM walking in my direction. I was confused at first because I've always seen him drunk when he's out and he was walking sober, which I wasn't expecting nor used to, so it took me an extra couple of moments. As I was squinting trying to figure out if it really was him, we seemed to fully recognize each other at the same instant, and he stopped, turned around and walked to the other side of the bar. This time I was in the back at the pool table, and he was at the front. He bought a drink from the bar, and then went to stand in a corner where he couldn't see me.

I looked up at my friend and he recognized him too, and was giving me a 'don't you dare' look. I shrug at him because I'm expecting OBD, and I had no intention of expanding the drama on this night. Five minutes after the lines again were drawn in the sand, OBD walked in, and as if nothing had happened just a few minutes before, I introduced him to my brother and friends.

We played pool, and FM pokes out every so often, and he was obviously watching me. He didn't step forward, and nor did I. In my head, I thought I should say hello again, as I've done before, but again, I don't really want to have drama transpire on this night with OBD around. So I generally ignored FM, other to give him an awkward smile/confused look when he was staring at me for several minutes before ducking back to the safety of the corner.

I was also trying to figure out why he was at the bar if he'd given up drinking. It's not really the safest place to be for an alcoholic. Either he's still drinking and I was given false information, or he's making a poor choice by going to a bar even though he has indeed given up alcohol, or he knew he had a high chance of running into me.

It seemed as if he wanted to get my attention and have me acknowledge him, but he didn't know how to do that without putting himself in danger. I was surrounded by 14 or 15 people that obviously knew me. He was there with just one other person. I wouldn't have felt safe to talk to me either if I were him at that moment.

We were both looking though, and my eyes caught his more than once. Every time we both looked away quickly, except for that earlier moment when he seemed to be wishing I'd come up to him as he stared at me from across the bar. Here I was with OBD, but I was worried and preoccupied with FM. OBD didn't seem to pick up on my distraction though, and my friends (and my brother who recognized him from a picture I showed him long ago) weren't giving anything up.

I was most grateful for that.

It does make me wonder more though if I really should be allowing myself to engage in dating if I'm still emotionally locked up in FM. I shouldn't be. I know better. But I am, and as the time between the end of our dating in October lengthens, it has gotten a bit easier. It's just not as easy as I hoped. I still think about him often and intensely, and from our recent encounters, it appears that he has been doing the same. This, of course, makes it all the worse.

We were heading out of the bar to go to Tronix when I ran into yet another person that I haven't seen in a good five years. He was standing within hearing distance of FM in a loud bar, but around the corner so that we couldn't see each other. After about 5 minutes of me chatting right next to him, he then made a beeline for the exit and left.

By the time FM left, he had only been to the counter once and picked up one drink the whole evening. Usually in the time span that I would see him in a bar, he'd have been to the bar counter about six or seven times to order a new glass or bottle of something. I do notice such things, and his lack of counter visits was extremely conspicuous in my mind. My mind started calculating the permutations of his intentions yet again.

We were really leaving at the same time as well, and so we headed out to Tronix not long after. Tronix was hopping last night and the music was marginally better than it has been the past several months. My brother and sister-in-law had a great time and we stayed out with friends until about 4 in the morning.

FM called me this morning and left me a message on my voicemail. He told me that he's been sober for the past 15 days, and that he wanted to talk to me, but he wasn't comfortable with the death stare that he was given. Again, I don't blame him.

I am however, frustrated. He is trying to find a place back in my life when I haven't really let him go in the first place. I either need to disentangle emotionally and move on or stop this frustrating drama and just try again with him. My cognitive self pleads with me to make the first choice, whereas my emotional self hopes that I'll go for the latter. Regardless, I find it really difficult to make any choices because I'm currently feeling paralyzed. I'm using inertia to move forward right now, but such energetic motion is really no substitute for the propulsion one needs to get through life and with inertia alone I can't really steer through the obstacle course that I have before me. Besides, it's not just my feelings that I'm playing with, now I have OBD and there is also FM, whose feelings are also important, as are my own.

Dilemmas, conundrums and drama. Damn. I'm trying to make this as simple as possible, but it's not falling into place quite the way that would make everything convenient. When does it ever? I have to make things work, figure out the puzzles, and make some difficult choices. It is life as usual.

I better make some damn good decisions in the very near future.

12:41 PM

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Friday, February 8, 2008

Wrench

As I've been mulling over my continued distraction, I find that FM has decided to quit drinking. Publicly.

Is he trying to get someone's attention?

He has mine.

Crap.

6:25 PM

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Wednesday, February 6, 2008

From Pitter-Patter to Deluge

Now that I've begun to withdraw from Mr. Wonderful a bit after I realized that we'd gotten closer than we both were prepared to go, he's become more interested in me. It's the push-pull that I still don't quite understand. I've now experienced this with FM, ANB, Prof #2 and my ex-husband, and I'm still confused.

Obviously I'm confused. It's showing up in my writing. I can't get a coherent thought down.

I see this push-pull happening even within my own behavior sometimes, but I don't understand why attitude changes when one person isn't interested. Most of the time, I am either interested in someone or I'm not. I find that if I have the initial attraction that I then act upon with a person, I want to get closer. If they are attracted back, then my feelings are reinforced. If they are not on the same page and they push away, then my feelings become diluted. At some point the interest stops and I disengage.

There are two outliers to whom I did not behave in such a way: my ex and FM. There are lots of theories floating about my head as to why that is, but I rather not explore that in print just now.

So to get back to the point, Mr. Wonderful is suddenly more interested in me now that I've made it clear that I'm pursuing opportunities for dating with others, being that he is unavailable and admittedly a bad choice right now being that he's attached to someone else. Before letting him know that I was going to be seeing other people, he was sweet and charming and we talked every day, but he was interested in hanging out on his terms. Now he's more attentive and more communicative - and he wants to be more physically intimate.

Huh.

In the short time I've known him, I already count him as one of my close friends who I care deeply about. He is a good man with a good heart, but he is lost and confused right now. So am I. Underneath his confusion though, he has wit, heart, compassion and he's a kindred spirit. I can see it in his eyes. I feel it when I'm hanging out with him. He's as confused as I am, and he just wants to find happiness. He's just not sure where.

So he's reaching.

Simultaneously GBFM and MFE have begun to push the boundaries again. And FM is also beginning to make efforts to make his already ever-presence (at least in my head) known in the real world. I'm not so sure what is going on with FM, but the grapevine is starting to buzz and I'm hearing my name attached to his out there... and I don't know why.

11:58 AM

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Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Perplexed

After several weeks of relative quiet and calm, things are beginning to pick up again. Strangely, as Murphy's Law suggests, things always happen at the same time, it just wouldn't be reasonable to expect status quo... even if status quo is so comforting at the moment.

I continue to text the guy with whom I was originally asked out on a blind date (OBD). He's sweet, he's nice, and he's attractive. I'm just not feeling it right now. I also hung out with him and other mutual friends over dinner last night, and I had a difficult time talking with him. This isn't because I found him disinteresting or because he was uninterested, but when talking with others, he held back. Perhaps he's shy, but I suspect it might be other issues.

However before exploring that topic, I should come right and say exactly what I'm thinking so that I don't appear to be minimizing what I think the primary problem is: I can't get my mind off of FM. Having this particular problem issue on the table front and center, I can delve into the other minute things that may also contribute to this general distraction and lack of overt enthusiasm.

He does not have a college education. I've only married/dated others with their doctorates in the past - although this pattern has changed recently. A Ph.D. hasn't ever been a requirement in my potential relationships, it's just happened as such. I'm most comfortable talking about concrete ideas and generally communicate well with others who are interested in talking about a wide range of scientific topics. As I've begun dating others who don't have the doctoral background, I find that general conversation palls a bit, and I've been accused of 'talking over the heads' of others. I don't find that very comforting or enjoyable, and I am now overtly aware of myself when I'm attempting to converse in depth about various topics.

Suddenly I'm self-conscious when I'm talking tete-a-tete about things I enjoy. Although this isn't this particular person's fault (and is in large part, the legacy of FM), I still am wary. OBD likes to talk about music, video games and feelings. I enjoy the two latter topics, but this is the extent of our conversations. We can't talk about anything else without him alluding to the fact that he hasn't been to college, even though he would like to go. He's sweet, but is that enough?

He also seems to be really into me, and I feel frustrated because I'm not engaging in reciprocal feelings. I like him, I think he's sweet, and I think that he is intelligent, but he has limited experience. Due to that fact, I feel that there is a part of me that is holding back. I also realize that this may be because of FM, and this isn't really fair to OBD. I've not alluded to my conundrum, of course, and I'm really trying to engage in this fully. But I'm reserved, and he seems really gung ho. This is not a push-pull issue. If he were to suddenly be disinterested, then I would be okay with it. I just don't want to hurt his feelings, and I'm certain that my reluctance is primarily due to my own indecision and frustration. Once I process through this muck, then I'll be more open to pursuing another relationship.

How do I explain that I like him, but just not ready right now?

For some reason, Mr. Wonderful didn't trigger these issues. I was ready to jump in and date without second thoughts. OBD is another story, and I wonder if this could be a red flag for other concerns that I haven't yet processed. This is yet another point of my personal contention, I don't know the answer, and it further frustrates me.

I would like to figure myself out. Yes, I do understand that this desire is not necessarily going to be fulfilled. Sometimes chasing one's confusion only leads one to yet another quagmire.

2:49 PM

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Monday, February 4, 2008

Random Chatter

Found on a friend's blog:

12:27 AM

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Sunday, February 3, 2008

Old Man Bait

It started out poorly. While out at the Five Star, there was this older man who was in his mid-60's who was looking at us. Joel mentioned him, stating that he wasn't sure which one of us he was looking at, but he was prepared to throw me in front of him in case of an emergency. I scowled at him. I'm such old man bait.

About a half hour later, I was walking past this guy and the cross dresser sitting next to him stopped me. "What's your name?" she asked.

I told her. "Well," she said, "You seem to have caught my friend's eye." I secretly hoped it was the guy to the left of her. He was relatively attractive and in my age bracket. Sadly, she looked to her right. The 60 something turned around and I got a good look at him. He was overweight, his hair was unkempt and white, and he was wearing flannel. "You're adorable," he said.

"Um, thanks." I said back.

"Can I buy you a house?" He asked immediately.

"No thanks, I already own one," I replied, one eyebrow cocked. Oh Jesus, I thought to myself.

"Can I buy you a car then?"

I had to nip this in the bud, and I wasn't getting help from my friends. "I'm, um, not single," I lied, "Sorry."

"Oh, that's too bad for me then."

"Well, it was nice to meet you. Take care!" I slipped away. My friends suddenly were by my side. Joel looked at me, "I'm glad it was you and not me," he said.

"Thanks so much!" I explained what had transpired, and then I shivered, "Why do they always go after me? Why don't men my own age clamor over me like that?"

"Because they're too insecure. And you radiate old man stink." They all laughed.

"That's not nice." I pouted, "In any sense."

"I know. I was kidding."

"Thanks for that by the way."

"No problem!"

We started dancing, but I was over it. I wanted to go somewhere else. As we were leaving, we walked past this guy again. I nodded formally in his direction, but walked past him quickly. As we walked out of the building, Joel laughed. I asked him what he was laughing about. "He barked at you when you turned your back on him."

"What?" I asked.

"He barked at you, then he made a biting motion." He simulated what he had seen by leaning forward and biting at the air.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the cold wet air, then sighed deeply. "What the fuck?"

"I know, I know," Joel said, "I don't envy you."

We drove to Tronix, and from there, the evening got better.

While there, my friend Caesar stuck with me to make sure that I didn't accidentally run into FM while out dancing. I was appreciative, but I'm actually okay. If I do run into him, I've had some time to think about my behavior and about my reactions, and I realize that I'm not proud of myself. I can separate without being a dick. If I run into him again (and in this town, that prospect is a certainty) I can say hello and goodbye respectfully. I am not as weak as I allow myself to be sometimes.

I also have taken another major step outside of my comfort zone and asked a friend about a boyish young man that I've been latently attracted to for a long time. I'm not secure enough to ask him directly, but that is what one has friends for. I'm also being set up with the guy I mentioned yesterday, but the more information I have up my sleeve, the more I can work with later.

This is not a job, but I do appreciate information. And with information comes opportunities to learn. With learning, there are opportunities for growth.

And sex. I admit it.

1:42 PM

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Saturday, February 2, 2008

Calm, but not quiet

The past few days have been relatively quiet. This is a godsend, because the drama of the past several months has been more than enough than I've wished upon my own little head. Still though, I'm managing to get myself into trouble, which is a sign that I'm still alive. For that, I'm also thankful. I mentioned to my friend last night while out at a party that I was actually relaxed for the first time in months, and that I was having a great time, and I wasn't on Xanax or psychotropics and I haven't been taking sleeping medication for the past week.

I'm actually starting to calm down. It's only been 8 months. It's about damn time. Now if I could only get my short term memory issues under control.

While I'm finally settling back into my life, a mutual friend has been trying to set me up with her best friend for the past several weeks. I've been very slow to accept her offer, and have held back a bit. There are several different reasons for this, and I'm debating in my head what is going on and why I'm being so reluctant.

Firstly, I'm hesitant to generally explore or participate in blind dating. I was set up once when I was eighteen, and it was a disaster. Ever since then, I've had a major mental block towards such sight-unseen set-ups and my usual high level of social phobia goes through the roof. I'm already awkward with people that I have some knowledge of, people whom I have no understanding of or previous interaction with in a high-stress, high-stakes environment is recipe for disaster.

Secondly, I like to do a bit of reconnaissance before I try dating a person. Sure, the intel may be faulty (FM), or it might be incomplete (Mr. Wonderful), and sometimes it's downright wrong (the GS) - but at least I feel better. I also admit that the reconnaissance effort may contribute to my shyness and be why it is difficult for me to take my interests to the next level, but I'm mostly comfortable with this system all the same. Sure, I'm tweaking the game plan a bit, but it's on my terms, and not through blind dating.

So this Friday I agreed to a compromise. I'd accept the invite to go out to dinner with this friend of hers if she and her girlfriend came along. A group outing intrinsically has less pressure, less tension, and more opportunity for conversation in the highly probable case that I (or he) lulls, which prevents the awkward silences of which I'm so deathly afraid.

We went to Red Robin for dinner. It was busy, but not too loud, and it was casual. An appropriate setting for this kind of thing, the formality wasn't crushing, and the food was familar and comforting. It made for generally easy conversation. The unfortunate thing about going out with mutual friends when also potentially trying to get to know somone - especially if they know the mutual friends better than you do - is that they often end up talking about past experiences and people of whom you have no idea.

This did end up being the case, but this time (unlike ten years ago) I had the skills to deal with the conversational tangents that stem from such talk. My friend has known this person she was introducing me to since middle school. They've known each other for a very long time, and they talked about all sorts of things that I couldn't contribute much to in terms of content. So I improvised, and I participated in the conversation by asking counselor-ish questions of my friend when she talked about people to whom she had strong emotional reactions.

This kept me in the game, and I wasn't a silent Sally.

After dinner we went to my house with the intent to play board games, but we ended up talking instead. Around 1 o'clock in the morning, the two lesbians decided that they were tired and that it was time for them to go home, and guy and I were left alone.

We ended up talking for another two hours before we both decided that it was time for him to go home. It was a nice conversation; we talked about his past, his current path, and what he wants from life. I shared as well. As he left, I gave him a hug and then closed the door. No fast moves, no innuendo, nothing inappropriate. There was a spark, but it didn't flare up and get in the way. This was sweet. We're both a bit nerdy and awkward, and it makes for slower going. Moving slower is something that really works in my life right now, and I am appreciative for it.

We'll see what happens in the next several days and weeks, and in the meantime, I appreciate the relative calm. This is an exploratory period, and while winds are important for open sails, it's nice to have a motor on board. I can move under my own power.

10:46 PM

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About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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