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Thursday, January 31, 2008
Investing Risk
I asked a graduate student out to lunch in my department a week ago. I was rather nervous about the whole process because I was interested in potentially more than benign conversation. I ended up making the issue somewhat complicated because I had never asked someone out on a potential date with no real idea if they were even remotely interested. This was my first cold-attempt in my life.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Branching Out
I talked to Mr. Wonderful about seeing other people. He's in a relationship, and I know that I can't expect him to settle with me, so I shouldn't settle either. I've decided to stay in Reno, and now that I have, I've also realized that I want more out of life than being second best.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Pushing Daisies
I just started watching the tv series "Pushing Daisies" and I have to say that it is one of the most original shows that I've seen in a long time. It is quirky, and sadly, I relate to it a bit.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Busy Night
Friday night was a busy night. I started out at a shabbat gathering with friends from Hillel, and that was a lot of fun. There were some new faces and we were missing some faces, but that's in the spirit of a student group event. I had a chance to catch up with some people I haven't seen in a while, and just for simply that, I had a great time.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Quick Wrap-Up
I survived my first two days of instruction, but yesterday was a bit of a trip. I felt a bit loopy and while giving lecture, I was admittedly generally giddy. The students probably either thought I was dynamically fun or deranged. I'm not sure which. Probably both.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Stunned
I'm not liking the Effexor very much. I feel drunk, unsteady, and lightheaded.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Pilgrimage
I made an excursion out to the Black Rock Playa today with Mr. Wonderful. He had never been out there and wanted to see the area, and I was happy to show him around the desert.
Speaks to Me
Timbaland - Apologize
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Unexpected
Today I had a very unusual and unexpected text conversation with a very old friend.
Reading the last few pages first
There is an age old problem that I can't figure out. No matter how much t.v. I watch, how many books or magazines I read, or how I watch others do it - I can't seem to do it for myself.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Sacrificing Identity
Today I took the plunge and talked to my doctor about the issues I've been having for the past several months.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Playa Bound
I've got my golden ticket.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Reconsidering, Revising, Retracing
I went on a short walk yesterday with my friend before heading out to the airport for my flight back to Reno. While out, she and I had a conversation about our lives and potential futures, sharing the uncertainty of it all. We’ve known each other for ever so long, but even now they amaze me as I know I surprise them. Even with that surprise though, comes the comfort of knowing who they are and having some predictive value for them anyway.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Supercritical Dreaming
During the night after going to Flex, I woke up in tears while dreaming about my ex. It must have been a mixture of extreme tiredness, alcohol, and sleeping pills that did it, but I’m actually rather glad that I had the particular dream I did.
Friday, January 11, 2008
White Rabbits and White Trash
My friends and I went to Flex last night. Apparently there are three gay bars in Raleigh.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
de Sitter Expansion
The text messages from Mr. Wonderful have been rather interesting of late. There is a rapid expansion of intensity and feeling in them, and he is becoming more and more cozy. In this past month, we’ve both texted rather generic things to each other, and although we’ve both done a fair amount of flirting through them, there has been this unspoken expectation of distance. We’ve kept each other at arm’s length, due to the fact that this is new and we neither of us want to seem too eager (especially me) and the fact that he is in a relationship. I still want to keep him a bit at arm’s length, and simultaneously I want to be friends as well as fuck buddies. I don’t want to become emotionally attached to him because of the relationship issue and because I’m still quite sure that I’m not ready right now for anything more with him than I’m already doing.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Childish Lamenting
I have to go back to work next Monday. I’m not looking forward to it. I am looking forward to meeting new students and teaching, but if only that were independent of my department.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Of Contemplative Things
Mr. Wonderful texted me tonight and was apparently in a very emotional and contemplative mood. I haven't known him long, but in the little more than a month that I have known him, he rarely opens up and this was a rare peek inside.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Silent Regret
I've lost inspiration and I'm drifting a bit. I know that the drama I've been living in is my own, and I know that I make my own future. I'm having difficulty focusing - on writing, on talking, on my friends, and my future. I go through the motions, but I'm pretty numb. I don't feel much of anything. I'm as emotionally unavailable as the people I'm bonding with. I bond with emotionally unavailable people.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Jumbled
We're on the long drive back to Eastern North Carolina from Asheville. I been along for this ride, and haven't paid much attention to where I was, other than being in a place in a moment. In my last two relationships, I was the one who spent a lot of time planning what we'd be doing and where... and now, I just don't care that much. It's nice to just let go and be somewhere, anywhere - without really having to make the plans or be responsible for what and where I'm going. Just send me the bill, I'll figure out what I'm doing as it happens. I don't want to make the plans.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Segue to Vacation
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Sex is how you make me feel beautiful*
*Gleaned from PostSecret.com.
Hopefully it isn't an omen
I'm stuck at Chicago's O'Hare airport. I sat on a plane for eight hours (four hours overdue)and watched the New Year ring in from inside a plane on the tarmac after landing while being forced to sit. Now it's three in the morning (central time) and I'm wide awake and sitting on the floor in the airport overnight waiting for a flight out to Raleigh tomorrow at 7 o'clock in the morning.
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AboutI'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.
This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable.
This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.
This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this
medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look
back - and ultimately assess how I am really living. WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you.
If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now.
By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or
in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions
about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.
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