Pogonip and Playa Dust

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

A web so thick it might as well be a wall

This week's theme is apparently entanglement because of all the things going on in my life and the lives of those close to me. Things have gotten a lot more complicated, but not necessarily for the worse - it's just that the web of relationships is getting thicker and thicker even as I stand back and watch. I admit to watering and fertilizing the brambles a little bit, but even if I hadn't, the growth would have spontaneously formed on its own. As this tangled mess begins to take shape, I find myself on the outside. Not by intent of others so much as my own choice, I must clarify. I am delicately trying to extricate myself as I try to find my own path independent of the others around me.

It is terribly awkward though because of just how tangled everything is right now. I am friends with and I hang out with both Prof #2 and his husband. Additionally, I have had sex with Prof #2 and his husband does not know about our long history even as they are becoming more open about their present. That's just the beginning of the weirdness taking shape. Just as TbC has been in the mix now that Prof #2 and his husband officially have an open relationship, Prof #2 has made known his interest in one of my close friends and one of his former students. This student is no longer an undergrad and is now in grad school, and has been mildly interested in Prof #2 himself. Being that I'm trying to create some healthy boundaries between Prof #2 and myself, I took it upon myself to play matchmaker and set these two up. For the past several months there has been light flirting between the two of them at various functions I've hosted - the only times they see each other socially. So I sped up the process by letting them know that they were both interested in each other and that they should pursue potential opportunities if they were interested.

Both have partners, both are frustrated. Both find the other attractive, and I need space. What better deal is that? Everyone is happy. The awkwardness now is that both Prof #2 and my friend hit it off really well, and have spent as much time together in the past week as Prof #2's husband and the young man I was interested in for that short time. I'm a little worried about the intensity of the passion that has manifested, and although Prof #2's husband is fully aware of this affair (the four of them, Prof #2, his husband, my friend, and TbC) all had dinner together last night and both partners went to bed with their respective 'boyfriends', I foretell a disaster beginning to take shape.

I was talking to my friend last night, and he explained to me in detail what was going on, and just how much time they had spent together the past week, 6 out of 7 nights (I had heard a similar story from Prof #2 the night before). I told him that perhaps he should reconsider his boundaries because he does have a boyfriend who does not know what is going on, and that much time for an extended period of time could create opportunities for emotional attachments that may not be ultimately welcome for one or the other of them. Also I told him to be careful, because (while hopefully I'm wrong), I can see that the relationship between Prof #2 and his husband is beginning to unravel, even as they both think things are getting better. I've seen this in many relationships (including my own), and while opening the sexual nature of the relationship up can lead to stronger relationships, this time it doesn't seem to be the case. In this particular example, Prof #2 and his husband are not coming closer together, they're moving further and further apart as they spend night after night in other people's beds, and not in their own with each other.

But I'm not any one's mother, nor am I a savior. The only thing I can do is support all of them, including supporting my friend who is getting involved with them - especially because it's partially my own doing that brought them together. For that, amongst other things, I will try to protect him to the best of my ability while still affording him the ability to enjoy himself without premonitions of gloom and doom. Still, for my own safety from this and all the other reasons I've explored in this entry, I'm extricating myself from this tangled web. It's the only safe thing for me to do. And yes, while I feel only mildly put out that Prof #2 is so enamored with my friend more than he ever was with me, I am still very happy that he's having fun.

I am also still feeling lonely, and I think that this feeling is in part, the reason for my relatively negative perception. Both Prof #2 and my friend have apparently been discussing my current condition, and are (in their own words) harboring feelings of guilt about their own intensity as it relates to me. I have really attempted and have yet been successful at minimizing my own melancholy, because I really don't want to dampen their fun (again within reasonable limits, such as reminding them both of appropriate boundaries). Still, I do feel a bit blue. I keep finding alcoholics and emotionally unavailable men. I keep trying to broaden my horizons, but thus far it's been a losing battle. What I can actually do about that to make it better, I'm not quite sure but I've got to keep my chin up.

6:51 PM

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About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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