I spent the night with Mr. Tangled but Charming last night. And that's all we did, we spent the night together. It was really sweet and while neither of us slept well for other reasons, I still went to work the next morning feeling relaxed, comfortable, and uplifted.
Sounds like a fucking spiritual revival...
Whatever.
I have to admit that I am a little guarded. Perhaps even a lot guarded. Dating hasn't been going too terribly well. Lately it hasn't been horrible or even bad, it's just not good or great. It just is. I'm afraid that I am just setting myself up for one failure after another because of my own high expectations. I'm not planning on lowering those expectations, but I do plan on re-evaluating them. I need to dig down and find out some more about what the reasoning for my expectations, my needs, my silent or overt demands are. I'm looking for someone intelligent, loving, physically expressive, stable, and confident. I want to be able to show the same without fear or shame.
I don't think I need to compromise those things in general. What I do need to do though is start at the beginning. In this case, the beginning is becoming comfortable with dating because the only way to meet men who meet my needs in the above categories is to find out in person. The only way to do that is by dating.
It's so fucking circular.
I just missed the boat on dating in my early youth. I got married so young, then settled into another long-term relationship soon after the first one ended. Before my recent 'divorce', I had only dated five guys in my life, including the two men I was in long-term relationships with for a full decade. My dating experience is admittedly practically nill.
Not that this is an excuse. It's not. I just have to start accepting that the person of my fantasies and expectations does not have to be moulded, they just have to be who they are. I'm learning that I don't have to latch on to the first (or second) guy that comes across my life and who is interested in me. I don't have to latch on because I'm no longer afraid that they are the last and only person who I will cross paths with who might be interested. I have always had this irrational fear that I was and am unlovable. I have always felt that I was ugly (it's stupid, but I really did - and my last relationship had really reinforced that concept deeply. No matter how much I had thought I had overcome it then, I realize now just how much I had internalized my ex's rejection). I felt like a failure across multiple fronts.
I am none of those things; I am especially not a failure. Being single and being forced to live with myself, to live in my own head despite all my insecurities and external manifestations of grief has somehow strengthened my self-confidence and bolstered my own sense of value. Yes, I'm still bewildered about why and how life has brought me to the place it has, but even so, I'm more at peace at my present than ever before. This doesn't mean that I don't want to change or grow, I just don't beat myself up as much as I once had.
I oscillate between confidence and insecurity. The oscillations are becoming less frequent though, although I still feel the urge to hate myself more often than I'd like. Of course harboring feelings of self-hatred at any time really is more often than one would probably choose. Thankfully I'm not wallowing in self-despair as I had only a few months before, and I'm actually seeing light from time to time. My life ain't roses, but whose really is utopian? I've got what I've got, I ain't ugly, and I'm a damn good catch. Now I just have to do some work of my own and cast back.
And that's what I'm doing. Meeting, or rather, being pushed into Mr. TbC is one of these new experiences. The only way to find is to explore; the only way to explore is to be open to the possibility and to not try so hard. So I'm not trying too hard. I'm just going with the flow, enjoying the ride, and enjoying myself. What else is there to do?
In the meantime, my friend Joel is a little weirded out that I'm seeing this guy. It's a small town and apparently TbC was dating a QSU student not too long ago. I don't know much about it, or even much about the QSU student in question (which is also odd, but expected now that I've been away from the group for a year). I'm trying to dig more out of my friend, but I'll work on that. I don't need to hurry on that issue either. I'm sure it'll sort itself out. Who's in a hurry?
I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.
This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable.
This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.
This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this
medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look
back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.
WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you.
If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now.
By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or
in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions
about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.