After several weeks of relative quiet and calm, things are beginning to pick up again. Strangely, as Murphy's Law suggests, things always happen at the same time, it just wouldn't be reasonable to expect status quo... even if status quo is so comforting at the moment.
I continue to text the guy with whom I was originally asked out on a blind date (OBD). He's sweet, he's nice, and he's attractive. I'm just not feeling it right now. I also hung out with him and other mutual friends over dinner last night, and I had a difficult time talking with him. This isn't because I found him disinteresting or because he was uninterested, but when talking with others, he held back. Perhaps he's shy, but I suspect it might be other issues.
However before exploring that topic, I should come right and say exactly what I'm thinking so that I don't appear to be minimizing what I think the primary problem is: I can't get my mind off of FM. Having this particular problem issue on the table front and center, I can delve into the other minute things that may also contribute to this general distraction and lack of overt enthusiasm.
He does not have a college education. I've only married/dated others with their doctorates in the past - although this pattern has changed recently. A Ph.D. hasn't ever been a requirement in my potential relationships, it's just happened as such. I'm most comfortable talking about concrete ideas and generally communicate well with others who are interested in talking about a wide range of scientific topics. As I've begun dating others who don't have the doctoral background, I find that general conversation palls a bit, and I've been accused of 'talking over the heads' of others. I don't find that very comforting or enjoyable, and I am now overtly aware of myself when I'm attempting to converse in depth about various topics.
Suddenly I'm self-conscious when I'm talking tete-a-tete about things I enjoy. Although this isn't this particular person's fault (and is in large part, the legacy of FM), I still am wary. OBD likes to talk about music, video games and feelings. I enjoy the two latter topics, but this is the extent of our conversations. We can't talk about anything else without him alluding to the fact that he hasn't been to college, even though he would like to go. He's sweet, but is that enough?
He also seems to be really into me, and I feel frustrated because I'm not engaging in reciprocal feelings. I like him, I think he's sweet, and I think that he is intelligent, but he has limited experience. Due to that fact, I feel that there is a part of me that is holding back. I also realize that this may be because of FM, and this isn't really fair to OBD. I've not alluded to my conundrum, of course, and I'm really trying to engage in this fully. But I'm reserved, and he seems really gung ho. This is not a push-pull issue. If he were to suddenly be disinterested, then I would be okay with it. I just don't want to hurt his feelings, and I'm certain that my reluctance is primarily due to my own indecision and frustration. Once I process through this muck, then I'll be more open to pursuing another relationship.
How do I explain that I like him, but just not ready right now?
For some reason, Mr. Wonderful didn't trigger these issues. I was ready to jump in and date without second thoughts. OBD is another story, and I wonder if this could be a red flag for other concerns that I haven't yet processed. This is yet another point of my personal contention, I don't know the answer, and it further frustrates me.
I would like to figure myself out. Yes, I do understand that this desire is not necessarily going to be fulfilled. Sometimes chasing one's confusion only leads one to yet another quagmire.
I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.
This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable.
This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.
This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this
medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look
back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.
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