Pogonip and Playa Dust

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Calm, but not quiet

The past few days have been relatively quiet. This is a godsend, because the drama of the past several months has been more than enough than I've wished upon my own little head. Still though, I'm managing to get myself into trouble, which is a sign that I'm still alive. For that, I'm also thankful. I mentioned to my friend last night while out at a party that I was actually relaxed for the first time in months, and that I was having a great time, and I wasn't on Xanax or psychotropics and I haven't been taking sleeping medication for the past week.

I'm actually starting to calm down. It's only been 8 months. It's about damn time. Now if I could only get my short term memory issues under control.

While I'm finally settling back into my life, a mutual friend has been trying to set me up with her best friend for the past several weeks. I've been very slow to accept her offer, and have held back a bit. There are several different reasons for this, and I'm debating in my head what is going on and why I'm being so reluctant.

Firstly, I'm hesitant to generally explore or participate in blind dating. I was set up once when I was eighteen, and it was a disaster. Ever since then, I've had a major mental block towards such sight-unseen set-ups and my usual high level of social phobia goes through the roof. I'm already awkward with people that I have some knowledge of, people whom I have no understanding of or previous interaction with in a high-stress, high-stakes environment is recipe for disaster.

Secondly, I like to do a bit of reconnaissance before I try dating a person. Sure, the intel may be faulty (FM), or it might be incomplete (Mr. Wonderful), and sometimes it's downright wrong (the GS) - but at least I feel better. I also admit that the reconnaissance effort may contribute to my shyness and be why it is difficult for me to take my interests to the next level, but I'm mostly comfortable with this system all the same. Sure, I'm tweaking the game plan a bit, but it's on my terms, and not through blind dating.

So this Friday I agreed to a compromise. I'd accept the invite to go out to dinner with this friend of hers if she and her girlfriend came along. A group outing intrinsically has less pressure, less tension, and more opportunity for conversation in the highly probable case that I (or he) lulls, which prevents the awkward silences of which I'm so deathly afraid.

We went to Red Robin for dinner. It was busy, but not too loud, and it was casual. An appropriate setting for this kind of thing, the formality wasn't crushing, and the food was familar and comforting. It made for generally easy conversation. The unfortunate thing about going out with mutual friends when also potentially trying to get to know somone - especially if they know the mutual friends better than you do - is that they often end up talking about past experiences and people of whom you have no idea.

This did end up being the case, but this time (unlike ten years ago) I had the skills to deal with the conversational tangents that stem from such talk. My friend has known this person she was introducing me to since middle school. They've known each other for a very long time, and they talked about all sorts of things that I couldn't contribute much to in terms of content. So I improvised, and I participated in the conversation by asking counselor-ish questions of my friend when she talked about people to whom she had strong emotional reactions.

This kept me in the game, and I wasn't a silent Sally.

After dinner we went to my house with the intent to play board games, but we ended up talking instead. Around 1 o'clock in the morning, the two lesbians decided that they were tired and that it was time for them to go home, and guy and I were left alone.

We ended up talking for another two hours before we both decided that it was time for him to go home. It was a nice conversation; we talked about his past, his current path, and what he wants from life. I shared as well. As he left, I gave him a hug and then closed the door. No fast moves, no innuendo, nothing inappropriate. There was a spark, but it didn't flare up and get in the way. This was sweet. We're both a bit nerdy and awkward, and it makes for slower going. Moving slower is something that really works in my life right now, and I am appreciative for it.

We'll see what happens in the next several days and weeks, and in the meantime, I appreciate the relative calm. This is an exploratory period, and while winds are important for open sails, it's nice to have a motor on board. I can move under my own power.

10:46 PM

****

About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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