Pogonip and Playa Dust

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Investing Risk

I asked a graduate student out to lunch in my department a week ago. I was rather nervous about the whole process because I was interested in potentially more than benign conversation. I ended up making the issue somewhat complicated because I had never asked someone out on a potential date with no real idea if they were even remotely interested. This was my first cold-attempt in my life.

So nervous was I that I actually stuttered while I asked him. It wasn't the most suave moment of my life. He responded by asking I meant 'like friends," to which I responded, "um, sure!" My face was beet red at that point. I may not have been able to see it, but I certainly felt it.

Great, I'm an idiot. And I'm a bumbling one to boot.

He did accept though, and we made plans for the next Tuesday. I still had no idea if he is gay. I strongly suspected, but there are the rare moments when suspicions can be wrong and one's gaydar goes completely bling-bling awry. It's happened before.

The next day we ran into each other in the hallway, and he piped up, "I'm sorry if I assumed..." I looked at him, trying to carry a poker face, but instead I probably ended up looking like a deer in the headlights. "I didn't mean to infer anything," he continued, "I know you didn't mean to..."

"No worries. Nothing to infer, " I lied. "Still on for Tuesday?"

"I don't see why not," he said.

And we parted ways again. I got back to class and he walked back to his office.

Tuesday came by and we went to lunch. It was nice, laid back, and uneventful. I learned about his family and his past, where he came from and why he's in grad school. I also learned how old he is - 24. Damn.

I didn't learn however, if he is gay or not. Which tells me a lot. Either he's not interested or he's not gay. Pretty simple.

I felt less bumbling afterwards, but it didn't lessen the overall projected awkwardness that I felt. I did try. I put myself out on a limb, and nothing happened. I did start a connection for a potential friend, and perhaps that is all it may be - or it may not even make it to that level. I don't know. But I feel like I learned something; I learned that it doesn't kill me to ask, even if it still scares the shit out of me.

But I'm not dead.

I have to invest some energy in risk. The potential payoff is big, if only I can play the game in a way that doesn't show all my cards up front. This will be a long learning process, I'm sure. I've just started, I have to get the inertia going. It's going to take some energy to get this mass into motion. I've got thirty years of previous inertia to thwart to get me moving in another direction. Sure this might blow up in my face, but I had better get focused and transfer this energy more efficiently or it's going to be a very, very long ride.

And not in the good sense. But I already knew that. I just needed to take the first step. I have. Hopefully it gets easier from here.

6:02 PM

****

About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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