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Monday, December 31, 2007
In the air again!
I'm off to North Carolina, and hopefully I can figure out some of the difficult things that have been floating around in my head about my friendships and my life. I have friends who are my family, more my family than blood has ever offered me. I must figure myself out, I must figure out my muddled feelings.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Do as I say... Not as I do
I've decided to let the tension out and just accept things for as they are. The comment made on one of the most recent posts is something that I've heard before, but haven't paid much direct attention to - I am constantly wandering from relationship to relationship.
Friday, December 28, 2007
In the beginning...
So I'm trying out some of the things that I've been talking about these past several months. I'm going out to bookstores, working on projects, and flirting.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Shooting Rubber Bands at the Stars
I made it back into civilization from the black, black hole that is my hometown. (I'm not saying that because I'm depressed, because Alturas is a one-horse, poke town filled with the white trash from which I continue to urgently and frantically distance myself.) It still lacks cell phone network coverage of my carrier! Between that, sheer distance from general civilization and lack of a stoplight, I'm reminded why I continue to choose to measure the time between visits in years.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Rumbling Thoughts
There is so much going on in my head, so much insecurity. I have to begin to manage this, to start sorting it out and making choices that are good for me for the long-term, not just the short term.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Casting About
My ex-husband texted me today, wishing me a Merry Christmas and asking why I haven't contacted him.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Salt in the Wound
I received an unsolicited e-mail from my ex the other day, and I've already been in a piss-poor mood. He wanted to know how the house sale was coming along, and at this point, I really don't think it's any of his business.
Friday, December 21, 2007
The Importance of Having Gay Friends
Last night I went to Tronix with one of my very few gay friends. We went to dinner, then on spur of the moment, we decided to go to a movie and then to the bar. When we arrived, we walked in on the tail end of a Drag Show benefiting the Cancer Society of Reno. The part of the show we caught was unspectacular, and we both weren't feeling particularly festive. He's going through a rocky spot in his relationship, and we had spent much of the night talking about those issues.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
A call for help
Yesterday I was out shopping in downtown Spokane with my friend who moved here after being awarded a faculty position this summer. We were in my second favorite type of shop, a chocolate shop, right after leaving my favorite genre of shops, the rock and fossil shops.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Pretense Missing
My former employer texted me last night. I haven't encouraged him or given anything up, but he's still insistent. This message was very simple. Within two texts, he said that he wanted to be fucked, and when I mentioned that I was out of town in Spokane and would not be back for a very long time - he told me that it was too bad because he wished otherwise. He then reiterated that he wanted to be fucked.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Choreographing My Own Drama
Aiding my recent confusion, Mr. Wonderful has been texting me very often for the past week with various thoughts and anecdotes of his days and what he thinks of me and how I relate to them. They are often various shades of flirting, and such is normal for purely sexual relationships, however, there is something that seems to be in another shade of grey. For example, he'll drop notes to just wish me good night or good morning - and otherwise want to be in constant contact.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Weakness
I thought I was over my ex-boyfriend, but I'm not. I was walking around San Francisco today, and it was definitively emotionally traumatizing. I was trying to play it off, pretend nothing was wrong.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Even more deliberations
What am I supposed to do if Mr. Wonderful is looking for more than a fuck and actually asking me out on real dates? In this case, he's asking me out on more than a date, he's asking me out to a couple of different public functions. A date in general, I'm comfortable with, because it's just the two of us, and we both know (or at least I think we did) where the line was drawn and what this 'relationship' meant to him and to me.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Deliberations
I've never been very good at saying no. I have been good at steely silence though!
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Sweet Silence
I haven't heard back from the guy who offered me 50 bucks the other day. I'm grateful for many reasons of that. Primarily beyond my general indignation, I really don't know what I'd say to him. I'm shocked, a little bit outraged, and more than a little offended.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
No Whore
I was texted today by one of the six I mentioned in one of the previous posts and he had the gall to tell me that he'd pay be $50 if I'd have sex with him tonight.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Thinking with Me Cock
I unfortunately have to admit that I've succumbed to the brain in my loins. Instead of running from Mr. Wonderful as I should, I'm having sex with him. I'm enjoying myself though, does that count for anything?
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Inevitable complications
I received a text message this morning from Mr. Wonderful. He fessed up to having a long-distance boyfriend in San Francisco. Hmmm. Well, that explains some of the shell that I have had trouble getting through.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Dating, the new and improved version
Since last Friday, I've been out on three dates with the man I mentioned at the end of my last post. I mentioned that this was going to be an interesting challenge, and he pleasantly has been. I am again reminded of myself, but this time, it's fun. He plays coy, but the sparkle in his eyes betray a knowing that is that of a true recalcitrant. He's no innocent, I've learned that during the hours that I've spoken with him. He tries to play the innocent routine off though, and this is something of which I'm intimately familiar.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Deluge
When it rains, it pours. Why of all the cliches, is this the one that is the most true?
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AboutI'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.
This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable.
This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.
This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this
medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look
back - and ultimately assess how I am really living. WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you.
If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now.
By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or
in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions
about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.
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