Pogonip and Playa Dust

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Quantum Leap

The problem with having convinced oneself for most of his life that he knew his own future is the fact that uncertainty will eventually come up and bite him in the ass.

I'm having my come-uppance. I have no idea where I'm going, what I'm doing, or what's going to happen next. I'm scrambling to try to reorganize my life, to recreate some semblance of order, but I fear that I've accomplished very little actual clean up in these past six months. Sure, on the surface things look more stable. Even in the foamy froth underneath, I can even convince myself of some stability - but when I look deeper - there is the looming shadow of massive uncertainty that weakens the foundations.

I honestly don't know what my long-term goals are, other than trying to maintain some version of normalcy. What normalcy means ultimately is problematic - because I'm not sure I ever really understood how it ever really applied to my life. I wanted the house with the yard and the garden, with children and a career I loved. I was on my way to this goal, I had the house and the career - and now I'm losing one and shedding the other.

I'm not in a position where it's all or nothing, I'm not being forced to sell my house because I'm currently financially unstable. But I can foresee myself being in that place soon where that is a real possibility. I have to leave my job. I love my students and I love teaching, but I'm tired of the internal politics and I refuse to kill myself through the hours that the position has traditionally required of me for the past 7 years. I'm tired of working 64 hour weeks.

Using a metaphor, I'm like this little electron circling around a nucleus wanting to merge, but having too much energy to ever really get close. Sure, statistically speaking I can be found in the nucleus every so often, but more often than not, I'm in some diffuse cloud off over there, far away from the center and never quite belonging. I'm all over the place and very good at what I do, and because of that, I'm shut out because of the differential. Instead of mass and charge, the differential is degree. I have a Masters and I'm surrounded by doctorates. I have some of the best reviews in the department, and while not a the very top, I'm at 3 of 17 and that's not half bad. The distinction though, is that I'm the only one with a Masters who is teaching. All my peers have that holy grail, the Ph.D.

It doesn't make me very popular in this hierarchical society of pompous scientists. Instead of being at the very minimum respectful of what I bring and can do, I'm told to shut up and stay quiet. Do as I'm told even if it hurts students or prevents them from learning effectively. We're all here for the students, but my colleagues often forget that they are not just here for themselves. If we were at a more prestigious institution, I might be more forgiving of the egos. If the research produced were better I might be more inclined to suck it up. But we're not, and it's not. There is no excuse to be poor instructors, we are a teaching institution first. This is Reno, for god's sake.

I'm crying foul and I'm sick of it, and I've lived with it long enough.

It's time to go.

I'm choosing to end my career.

I was married twice. Both men held Ph.D's. No wonder why I've felt that I need those three letters after my name. Without the degree there was the competition in the relationships, both unspoken and explicit, that I had to keep up and overcompensate in order to make up the differential. My ex-husband even wanted me to refer to him as doctor. When he said it, he tried to frame it as a joke, but we both knew he wasn't really kidding. Granted, he wanted to hear it from everybody, not just from me - but still, that joke became stale really fast. My ex also was rather pretentious about his education, I was constantly reminded that he came from nothing to be at the top of his class at Ecole Polytechnique. He didn't tell me that I was inferior, but he constantly reminded me that I should get a doctorate and not doing so is a waste of my life and my talents. To compensate for both of these relationships, to continue that atom metaphor, I found that I was orbiting that nucleus faster and faster. Get the doctorate. Get the doctorate. The negative charge resounded: there is something wrong if you don't have that doctorate. You're a failure. You're incompetent.

The attraction of the Ph.D. was irresistible. I gravitated toward it (to mix my metaphors), I was drawn to it. I felt I needed it.

But the universe is now expanding. The attractive forces are weakening. Without the whispers in my ear from a significant other with an agenda and as I extricate myself more and more both emotionally and physically from my job, I find that I'm slowing down. The orbit is getting just a little bit larger and I see a quantum jump on the horizon. I don't need the Ph.D. I have a Masters, and I have 7 years of a stellar career behind me. I can do great things with what I have. I don't need to pursue further education unless I want to. I don't need to do this because I feel that I have to.

That's the quantum leap. That realization changes everything. I don't have to go back to school. I might, if I decide I like a school and a program. But I don't have to do it. This is a choice, not a necessity. Working in a university setting makes one sometimes forget these choices, we feel that we need to fit in, to be part of a pack, to jump up to the top. This place is strictly and persistently hierarchical, and stepping on the guy below (or is at least perceived to be) is so fundamentally part of the cultural consciousness that it's not even acknowledged.

I don't need to reproduce that behavior. I don't need to engage in that behavior any longer. I need to get out. I want out. I don't want to do this anymore. And although I know it's going to be perceived by others as a failure or as giving up, it is neither. It is a shift of consciousness, a change of beliefs. I've been liberated from the inexorable orbit by this external stimulus, the energy of being divorced. I'm now free to roam and reattach as I please (save some small milestones such as selling the house). I need to use this opportunity, not squander it.

I just needed to understand it for what it is. I needed to see this from another perspective. I need to assess this differently than I have in the past.

So what does this mean? It means that all my plans of distant past and of recent are up in the air again. It means that I don't know what my goals are. It means I have to figure them out all over again, and be willing to be adaptable as the external stimulus continues to change. It means that this little electron needs to ride the foamy froth of the universe and hold on while keeping my eyes open. I have no idea where I'm going. I have no idea what I'm doing. I have no idea what's going to happen next.

All I know is that I'm going to do it.

6:45 PM

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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Lonely Nights

MFE texted me again this morning trying to convince me to accept his proposal. I declined yet again.

Simultaneously, GFBM has also begun a push towards trying to get me in bed as well. ANB is doing the same thing. Arrggghhhhh! All this attention, none of it solicited or welcomed!

Which means, when I really think about it, that it's my own fault for being alone at night. I could have company when I sleep, but I don't because I choose not to settle for Mr. Right Now. I want some space, some time, and somebody I connect with - not just because they want me, but because I want them as well. I already knew that expecting to find mutual connection was going to be a difficult enterprise, but I didn't realize how easy things were going to be in a one-way direction. Perhaps it was always this way, but I never realized the extent of that world. The hook-up, it's so part of popular culture - and I've bit into my fair share of the fruit. It's not what I want though, it's not what I think is healthy.

One-sided affection is exceedingly unhealthy, one way or the other. I refuse to be a user as an object of someones affection. I will not be a manipulator. I will not string someone along who thinks/feels/believes that they like/love me just to make myself feel better, so as to not be lonely. I refused to be used as well. I guess that means I'm going to have a lot of lonely nights for perhaps a long time. Who knows?

I like sex. And I will surely find myself in predicaments where I make choices that I will later regret. I make those choices relatively regularly. That's the difficulty of this though. I live in a culture where sexuality is demonized, especially gay sexuality. I live in a sub-culture where sexuality is expressive, of course specifically gay sexuality. This causes a fission of morality; I feel guilty about wanting and having available the opportunity for sexual freedom and expression especially when engaging such behavior is simultaneously egregious as determined by the dominant culture. Then of course, there is the mode of thought which simply tells me to fuck both cultural norms and make up my own rules.

Put simply, things are sticky and tangled.

Perhaps one day when I feel comfortable and stable, I will again be okay with multiple sexual encounters. Perhaps I never will be comfortable with that arrangement again. Perhaps I just need to get out of this free radical stage. I won't know until I get there. How can I know? I'm just trying to understand right now, and honestly, I don't understand the present very well at all.

I'm just trying to get my shit together and keep it together. Small steps. Pieces at a time. Reconstructing the scaffolding.

As long as I don't build myself another glass palace, I should be fine.

5:05 PM

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Tangled Webs

MFE texted me out of the blue tonight. I hadn't talked to him since September when he called randomly and asked what I was wearing with little pretext. I told him that I wasn't going to play that game with him and turned the conversation to more professional avenues.

He was pretty insistent in his texting, and I don't think he was drunk - although this was texting and I didn't hear his voice, he's very proud of being sober for over 15 years now - so him messing that up is pretty unlikely. He did ask some pretty, um, bold questions that left little to the imagination though.

It started at 10:30 p.m, and he actually woke me up by asking,

U awake?

Am now.

I woke u?

No problem

Sorry, I can wait till tomorrow

spill it

I thought that he might be depressed, and so I was open to talking to him. He's gone through some serious bouts of depression like I have lately, but he's been a bit manic about it. This unfortunately, was evidenced by his next response.

Just thinking about ur cock

You've never seen it

I'm sure it's perfect!

You say that to many, I know.

Top me

Just 4 fun

[MFE]-Boy, in another time, in another year, I might have. But you are a dear friend and have been for almost 10 years, so no.

You fucking anybody else?

That's not really something I want to talk about

Well, do me

No.

Why not?

[MFE], why are you asking this? And of all the other people who I know you are into, why are you asking me?

No reason. Sleep on it. Think about it.

Goodnight, [MFE]

Think about it.

After the text conversation ended, I laid my head back against the wall while in my bed and thought about how fucked up that all just was. I seriously considered pounding my head against the wall. That led me inevitably to thoughts about FM and I fell into melancholy as soon as the memory of his face surfaced, even though my brain screams in panic every time I even begin to be sentimental about him. Holy shit, I still haven't let go. When is that going to happen? Do I have to actually meet somebody else before I can think about him without some sort of feeling of longing? Is it even going to stop then?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

There is good news, somewhat unrelated to all of this though, I have let my ex go, although it took six months. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am now so very disengaged from what had happened and how it happened. I still get it, I still think I understand why he did what he did. I just have now come to the conclusion that I don't ever need to speak to him again. I think I've finally weaned myself off of that particular part of my life. While I wouldn't say I built a wall, I did built this nice shiny cast iron fence that I can see through and realize that I never want to scale or cross it.

He created the chasm. I built the fence.

Although it's funny, speaking of letting go, my ex-husband called me on Wednesday. What an awkward conversation that was. I was again at work, so didn't know it was him until I heard his voice, and as soon as I realized who it was, I went tense. He asked how I was doing. I told him fine. He asked me if I was getting along well. I said yes. He said he just wanted to check-in on me. I told him that his concern wasn't necessary. That comment killed the conversation, and after a moment of silence, he said he had to go. I said good-bye.

That only took six years. Wow, I work fast.

What tangled webs we weave. Although that is a crackpot cliche, it's certainly a prominent backdrop in my life. Tangled webs. I'm trying to extricate, but boy is all this shit sticky. I'm picking off the threads one by one, but some are more persistent than others, and some are more difficult due to reasons of my own making. Observer and participant. Isn't that the nature of life?

Did I mention Bit dropped me a lengthy e-mail the day before yesterday bemoaning the fact that he isn't too into his girlfriend and inquiring if I will definitely be at the next Burning Man?

12:04 AM

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Inked up

I gots meself a tattoo. I am now, apparently, one of the club. This pic is from the day I got pricked, all lubed up and moisturizing.

My students love it... and are all showing off their own to compare. At least they all get it though. As soon as I leave the university, I keep getting 'what a great tribal design!'.

Fucktards. No, they're not really. I'm just a pompous pretentious bastard.

I however, never imagined that my tattoo would produce so much skin from others.

Too bad they're all girls. That really wasn't the point of all of this...

11:53 PM

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

More 14yo girl stuff

I swear I am not a 14 year old girl.

But if I were, I might love this:

3:33 PM

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Shotgun

My brother is getting married. Today. This was decided the day before yesterday.

11:07 AM

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Monday, November 19, 2007

Just Do It

In a move reminiscent of a mid-life crisis, I on Tuesday, am getting a tattoo. I drew the design myself, although I had some famous inspiration. I want it on the back my upper right arm, not as a horizontal band (which apparently is still all the rage), but as a vertical symbol. I want it to be artistic, but instantly recognizable. I want it to symbolize the nerd I am and simultaneously that I am just a little more bad-ass.

No, not really. I have wanted something like this, but never knew what for the past ten years. I almost got an armband in 1997, but I realized that it was a fad and had no underlying meaning or value - other then that it looked cool. Well, they still look cool, but not for me. My arms never got big enough to make something like that work, and I've never been much of a sheep anyway. However, I saw something while in Guerneville on the road trip that I really really liked, and I finally drew up the courage (and the inspiration) to make this happen.

While at dinner one night I turned and saw this relatively attractive gay guy with a tattoo just peeking under his short sleeves. When peering closer, I realized that it was a double helix very tastefully poking out. Immediately I thought confident and smart, that's really hot.

Now, I never talked to the guy, and he could be neither of the qualities I assumed just from the tattoo, but hell, it symbolized something that I would like to portray. While I wouldn't call myself confident, I'm heading in that direction (as most of us do as we get older) and a tattoo like that would be an interesting conversation piece. But more than that, I have wanted something like this for a long time, I just didn't know exactly what, how, or when. Now I know. It just hit me, I want something very similar to what I saw on this random guy. No, I can't say I came up with the idea all on my own, or that I'm terribly original, but I did find something that speaks to me and that is important and telling enough for me that it's time I do what I like.

Now I just have to find a good tattoo artist in Reno who can do a good job replicating my design with the skill to keep the lines relatively thin. I don't want something overly aggressive, I just want something perfect to fit my arm, my body type, and my shape.

Prof #2 is on board with me, and thinks it's a great idea. I haven't talked to anyone else about it, but I'm not really looking for confirmation or encouragement from anyone else, so I really don't see the need. Besides, this is sudden inspiration, and I feel the urge just to go out and do it - without over-analyzing the whole thing to death. Simultaneously, I realize that this is not an attempt to make up or otherwise remove myself from my normal behavior of trying to figure out was is just right and what I should be doing. I want a tattoo, there is nothing deeper or more shallow. It seems pretty simple really.

Having meaning and purpose to it, versus some random stupid design is reason enough for me to go ahead with it. There, I thought it out. Happy self?

I got the design, now who out there can help me with it? I'm going to ask some of my friends who are inked up themselves. Most like the bold line, broad stroke look, but I hope they can point me to somebody who fits my needs. I have some homework to do, but it's going to be fun last-minute homework! Now to call friends for recommendations...

1:50 AM

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Sunday, November 18, 2007

Cue Again the Steps

I had an awkward conversation with one of the online people I've been chatting with for the past couple of weeks. It came to light that he had assumed that I was married to a woman, and when I asked him if he was somehow disappointed that I wasn't I was greeted with silence.

Little did I know that I had been kicked offline - and the damn MSN Messenger didn't tell me. So I sent back a couple of messages, and 10 minutes later they popped up as not being sent because I was logged out. By that time, I was in rejection panic mode, and when I did log back in, he was a bit weirded out too, thinking I had bailed on the conversation.

So the conversation turned to awkward territory as we both tried to explain what happened and how we felt about it. Even as the adrenaline was running though my veins at full throttle. Wow. I guess it doesn't take much to get my glands active. After that conversation and then establishing intentions over what had accidentally happened, it was late and both of us decided that we should probably head for bed.

This morning he sent an e-mail stating that he is interested and is not afraid of my insecurity. He was referencing the insecurity that I freely pointed out in myself the night before.

So I sent him an e-mail back, and it being me, I wrote how I usually write. A lot.

Sorry about being freaked out and all last night, I wouldn't call what that was a panic attack, but it was in that direction. I'd blame my nerdish sensibilities if it weren't so inappropriate right now, but it is, so I won't. But still, I have to have a sense of humor about myself - and about what I do - otherwise I'd over analyze everything to death.

Not to imply that I don't already.

One of the quirks of being me. I'm working on temperance with the overanalyzation thing, but it's taking a bit of time and some restructuring. It's happening though, and I'm somewhere in the high middle of where I used to be. I started actively self-reflecting on this topic a little over two years ago, and decided that I wanted to make changes. So that's what I've been doing, although it might seem a little self defeatist to analyze the over-analyzation in order to modify it - but hell, life doesn't make sense all the time!

But sometimes still, the old tools creep back in, and circular thought patterns emerge that spiral in eddies for a while before dissipating. Honestly, this generally only happens now when I feel that I'm imminently close to the event horizon of rejection. It is there that I go through the 'oh crap, what could I have done differently' in a way that, while not debilitating, puts me out of step.

Funny thing though, the steps are getting smaller and smaller, and pretty soon the staircase will level out a bit. It's not such a steep climb anymore, and although I never expect perfection, I do see progress! But such is the nature of life, eh? Learning from one's self and one's mistakes in order to try to make a stronger, more holistic person.

Even if sometimes a bit quirky. I won't shut down, and I'll say what I'm feeling honestly, even if again, I look like an idiot. It's better to be real and rejected for who you are, then fake and accepted for somebody you're not. While that is a moral out of an afterschool tv special, it does ring true - and many (I've seen, talked with, and dealt with) haven't learned it.

I promised myself I would not only learn it, that I would practice it. I guess it's like exercise, but one that I get a little more return with than when I'm lifting weights. My muscles only get so big, but my brain is infinite - at least I think so in my head. Infinite possibilities. Finite time.
It's one of the things that makes life worth living. Learning how to break the bonds of self-inflicted constraints, and meeting the person of your dreams who is on a similar path while you're doing it. Becoming a better half, and a better whole.

One step at a time.

10:36 AM

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Saturday, November 17, 2007

Tight Rope

Feeling desperately alone and desperately needing attention, I've caved to Prof #2's request for a hookup.

Ok, I wasn't feeling desperate, but I was horny - and so was he.

Heck, I'm single and have specific needs. So I'm meeting those needs. While my personal better judgement tells me to go out and meet new people, sometimes it's also important to stay in one's own comfort zone. Prof #2 has been really respectful of the approximate boundary lines, although he he does want to hang out more because he, as he puts it, 'has so few gay friends' in Reno. Generally I feel that with him (unlike with SOF), he does step back a bit and while the dipole moments have been increased, they aren't overwhelming. I just need to keep a respectful distance to make sure that there are no extraneous attractive forces that could get between him and his partner, and that I understand completely.

Part of working that out is backing off a bit, and for a while I thought that might mean stopping the sexual behavior completely with him - it doesn't seem to be a working option. We both have a good sexual relationship with each other, but it's important to ensure that we stay where we are, and not evolve it to something further or more precarious. I am no home wrecker, and I don't plan to be one. Still, the potential for that is there, and I'm on a very thin razor-edged precipice. I get that, so I push back a bit more now than I have in the past. Whether or not that is a good idea, I don't know quite yet - and I may never know until the relationship as it is now ends - either because I move away or because some other external forces create disequilibrium.

For now, it's a balancing act. And I've got the pole in hand.

So to speak.

12:53 PM

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

Continuance

ANB is still texting me.

And his texts have become less benign and more suggestive.

And I have ignored them for the past two weeks.

Until today. After he texted me and offered a massage and "perhaps more", I texted him back after a while and told him "No thanks". I didn't want to be rude, but I didn't know what else exactly to say.

He shot me back a quick message stating that he was just kidding, and wished me a good week.

I know he went out on a limb to ask me in the first place, but I'm not taking the bait. If I were in his shoes, I'd be frustrated. I can imagine he is, but still, it ain't going to happen. How can I be any more explicit or subtle? I don't think I can do anything else, unless anyone has any suggestions.

Simultaneously, today I got a random text from the old friend I ran into randomly in late July who I had lunch with a couple of times. In September this guy took one too many liberties trying to put his arm around my shoulder, and when I rebuffed that, he tried point blank to kiss me - seemingly because my efforts to get him to not put his arm around my shoulder weren't enough. I stopped contacting him after that and hadn't heard from him since. The text today was simple, asking how I was - and then stating his name, probably guessing (correctly) that I had deleted him from my phone.

Should I respond, or should I ignore him and potentially be an ass? Hmmm. Deliberations.

6:13 PM

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Monday, November 12, 2007

Self-Respecting Boundaries

ANB has texted me several times in the past couple of weeks, and I'm frustrated and uncertain about what I should be doing in response to his repeated inquiries. Earlier in the month, I responded intermittently, not wanting to give him too much encouragement, a lesson I learned repeatedly from FM. However his texts have become more frequent and seemingly urgent, and I am tempted to ignore them altogether. I have ignored his texting for the past week but I probably should respond to the next one when it comes (depending on what it says), I just don't know how to do it without being cruel, dismissive, or on the opposite end, encouraging.

I prefer to do none of the above.

I just have this nagging feeling that my current approach is probably the coward's way out. Still, I really don't owe him anything, I just don't want to hurt him. But ignoring him or leading him on and giving him hope, even if not of my own accord are technically hurtful, so... what to do?

Perhaps I shouldn't internalize other peoples' behavior and then feel responsible. I just think that this kid is a nice kid, even if a bit naive. However, I also understand as evidenced in this posting and my previous writings that I'm not terribly experienced myself. I've got nothing on him, and I too have to figure some things out on my own. It's just that I need to set my nurturing instincts aside and let him (and others) figure out life on their own, but even as I do this, I also need to learn how not to feel overwhelmingly guilty. Of course, I don't believe I should attempt to alleviate all of my guilt, because if I did so, then I'd be a pompous conceited son of a bitch.

And I wouldn't respect myself if I were like that.

11:09 PM

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Sunday, November 11, 2007

Student attentions

About a month ago, I was a guest speaker for yet another human sexuality course at UNR. After the course, one of the students in the class emailed me through myspace thanking me for my contribution to the class. I sent a quick message back thanking him for his interest and leaving it at that.

On Thursday, a month later, I received yet another email. He cautiously and tentatively asked me out on a date, stating that he really liked what he saw at the course I lectured. He continued stating that if I was interested, he wanted to get to know me better because he thought that we'd really hit it off.

Again, I'm bravely pursued by a student. I'm flattered, but I cannot allow this type of relationship to bloom. It really is a conflict of interest for me, and the age difference is also something that I have to consider. Though the myspace message, I could tell that he is 21 years old. And while age doesn't mean everything, there is a huge amount of maturity in these ten years that separate our ages.

That, and I'm not ready for all the drama again. While I'm stereotyping, I'm too tired and now lazy to try to work that out.

But I didn't want to crush this guy, because he obviously put a lot of thought into his letter and he seemed like a really sweet kid. So I sat on his letter for a couple of days trying to figure out exactly what to say without being cruel or seeming dismissive. After some time, I put together a small message stating:

I would like to say that I am honored and flattered. You are obviously very sweet, however, I have to unfortunately say that because of my position at the university as an instructor, I cannot consider dating a student.

Messaging me isn't weird, and I'm not offended or concerned, and I'm sorry that I cannot get to know you better in the way that you are interested. However, I know that you will find someone perfect when you least expect him.

I think that was benign enough to not be dismissive but firm enough to not give false hope that there might be some options in the future. It is yet another learning experience and simultaneously I truly am flattered and honored. And privately my self-esteem is boosted yet again.

Random people in the woodwork. The world has so much to offer.... and I can't partake of most of it because either I don't want to or it's inappropriate for a myriad of reasons. Regardless, all this continues to be an adventure and one learning experience after another. Such is life. I certainly ain't dead.

9:18 AM

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Saturday, November 10, 2007

Road trip

I'm heading to Sonoma. I have a friend who lives on the Oakland/Berkeley border whose birthday is this weekend, and other friends of mine who wanted to see her. So we decided to go take a road trip.

Now, about this, I'm pretty proud of myself. I normally have to have everything planned out, other by myself doing the planning, or having the plans drawn up by someone else. Either way, I generally really only feel comfortable if there is an establish itinerary.

This time though, we've all been flying by the seat of our pants for this trip. From where we would end up the first night, to where we're going to end up tonight and tomorrow, to whom we are meeting up with; all these things are out in the open and subject to whim.

And I don't feel like I'm going to go hide in a corner and stop doing everything in order to have a sense of order or normalcy.

Basically, we're heading North this morning when the friends of my friends come over today. I'm in Oakland right now, chatted for a few hours with some people I met last night, and had a great time. I spent the night last night on a love seat, surrounded by cats, and slept through the night better then I have for the the past several months at home.

So off I go to a fun road trip and adventure. Tasting wines, eating good food, hanging out with good people. It's going to be lots of fun!

9:05 AM

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Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Surprise Sharing

I was online talking to one of my new acquaintances that I met a week ago, when he asked me about what I thought about casual sex. I told him that I have lots of thoughts about it, but it is a long and complicated answer. I also said that I was going to have to get offline soon because I was going to dinner with a friend, and my answer may be longer and more complicated than the 30 minutes we had left to instant message each other. Additionally, I wrote to him that if he didn't want the whole truth, he could retract the question without prejudice. However, if he really wanted to ask, I'd give him the whole story because there is no reader's digest condensed version of this particular topic.

He wasn't sure at first, and then after some messaging back and forth, he decided to repose the question.

So I told him the truth. Nothing long and overtly detailed, but the truth nonetheless - coupled with the reasons why I think as I do. He was really empathetic about it, being so far as to be sorry for asking the question in the first place. Not sorry that I told him, but sorry because he felt that he had overstepped my boundaries. I told him that he hadn't, I had the choice to answer what he asked, or not. He still was very apologetic, and I tried to reassure him that there was nothing to apologize for.

Unfortunately, I had to get offline, and although the topic had recovered somewhat, it still wasn't fully resolved in terms of his feelings about what I had said.

He wrote me while I was out that he was really sorry that he had asked because it was too personal of a question, and he's used to other guys being lackadasical about it. Most guys answer in a simple yes or no, and from there, he makes his own judgements. I didn't do that, I had actually thought about my stance on the matter, gave reasons why I think the way I do, and then talked about how my reasons and my beliefs are context driven.

So I wrote him back, writing:

No worries. I am not offended, and I hope that you aren't either. I learned several things from my last relationship, but most importantly, I learned to be completely honest. Don't minimize. Don't hold back. Don't give half truths... and I was reminded of something I already believed - don't ever, ever lie.

I like to have sex too - but I am as cautious about that as I am about everything else, if not much more so. And I need to know the guy too. It's a long story. I've never been able to do the anonymous sex thing, I'm way too nervous and insecure. I tremble like a rabbit the first several times! But the whole story is a long story, and not appropriate for this medium. If you want to know, then I will tell you.

However, I will also tell you that I appreciate that you are empathetic enough to be concerned, even if I strongly disagree that you should take any responsibility (AKA feel bad) for my brutal honesty. And it can be brutal. I would blame that on my nerdiness too, if it didn't minimize the weight of it all, but it does minimize, so I retract the statement. I fear a lot of things. I fear the things that are cliche (getting hurt, looking stupid, etc.), and I fear things about myself, things that brought me to the point I am now... being alone, being in a place where I want to change careers, falling too fast for some guy...

So I buck up and face those fears. I am true to myself, and I am true to the others around me, whether I know them well or not. There is no point in wearing a mask. It's too tiring, too limiting, and too much work. I am who I am, I am what I am. I am what I've done, and I am the choices I've made and the choices will make - even if those choices are different from before. If others don't like it, then what can I do? Change?

Why?

I strongly believe that as long as I do my very best not to hurt others intentionally and do my best not to hurt myself intentionally, then I'm doing my damnedest. I can't always make others happy. I can't always make myself happy, but I can work at being the best darned person I can be. Sometimes I'll fail. Sometimes I'll succeed. I hope that I succeed more than I fail.

Anyway. This is all very heavy, and I apologize.

I'm digesting your food for thought. I'm thinking. I do it a lot. It's my strength and my weakness. It's a privilege and a curse.

Don't ever be afraid to ask me questions, as long as you aren't afraid to know the answers. If you can return the favor, great. If you can't, I understand. I'm in a weird and unique place in my life, many aren't where I am - and I don't know how long I'll be here. But I'm here now, and this is what I believe - now. I haven't always done so. I've often locked and compartmentalized much of my life, hiding it away from view because I was ashamed and insecure. Most of us have our reasons for keeping our lives more or less obscured. They don't all do it for the same reasons. My reasons are my own, and I understand that I do not own nor deserve to know others' personal and private lives unless they wish to share. Their reasons are their own.

Well, enough of this for now. If I haven't already scared you away with the gravity of this, then great. If I have, then I understand that too.

I am a thinker - and I am a person who says what he thinks out loud - most of the time.

It's time to get out the humor, but I'm coming up dry. Probably because it's late. But I promise, I won't always be this heavy. Swear.

He wrote me back, really taking to heart what I had written, and opening up himself. It was really a window into what he thinks and feels. I am quite honored. And I really think I've found a kindred spirit. Being across the country, things probably won't go anywhere - but making friends and meeting like minded people, that's significant in itself.

I am able to take some risks that I would have difficulty doing in real life. I have less fear of rejection and reputation. But I'm still gaining valuable lessons, practice, and perhaps even long-term friends. That's a fantastic thing. These are fantastic things. I just have to be open to it.

10:59 AM

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Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Stepping out

I called my ex yesterday and left a message about the house. It's time to take the steps necessary to sell it, and I need to get him to sign off on his portion, while simultaneously negotiating money and share.

I've been avoiding this for months, and I haven't wanted to be the one to call him to make this happen, but it's time to do it, and I need to stop avoiding my responsibilities just because I don't want to talk to him. I want to be able to move forward with my life, and I can't do that if I'm avoiding the steps I need to take in the first place.

He called back today and the conversation was strained, but perfunctory. He agreed to sign over his portion of the property. For that, I'm grateful. I do have a lot of work to do that he does not have to do at this point, including all of the things necessary to get the house sold in this very difficult market. For him though, he just needs to sign some paperwork and hopefully, we can move on from there.

I have an appointment with a real estate agent on Friday.

Here I go.

11:46 AM

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Monday, November 5, 2007

Complicating the Mix

There was this guy I met at Burning Man this year (who isn't Bit) who was interested in pursuing something with me. GFBM seemed to be looking for a relationship, but I wasn't interested in that, so he tried to tone it down and stated that he just wanted to sleep with me. I wasn't really interested in that at the time either. I was however, interested in a friendship and I told him as much.

GFBM said he was fine with that, and over the past couple of months, we've hung out at the movies and gone out to dinner a few times. During those times, he made it no secret that he'd still like to sleep with me - and I made it no secret that I was not in a place to even consider it. I told him that I wasn't interested in a relationship with him, but I did like hanging out with him because he's a fun guy and he's so different than I am.

So we kept hanging out, and he continued to tease, and I continued to be coy.

Last night he pushed beyond the regular teasing. So I stopped playing, and said to him in all seriousness, "Do you really want to have this conversation?"

He stopped, looked at me, and said sure.

So I dropped the act, and went into full honesty mode. I mentioned that I was completely frank and honest at burning man, and because he was there for that, I would be continuing in that vein for this particular conversation. He was interested in having sex with me. I am not interested in having a relationship with him. He still wants to fuck. Fine, I'm down with that, but I'm not going to invest any more than sex, and I wanted to be crystal clear. He is a good friend to hang out with because he is so different from me, but I don't don't see it going any farther because of those very differences.

Stepping aside for a moment and looking outside of this conversation, I'm expanding beyond my comfort level and trying new things. One of these new things is trying no strings attached sex with someone I don't yet know really well and am not interested in dating. Now, I don't know if this is a positive exploratory process, or if it's a mistake in the making, but I won't know until I try. Besides, I feel like I should be moving away from my sexual expeditions with coupled friends (i.e. SOF and Prof #2), because of the complications of me being single.

Perhaps it's my own morality, but I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable having sexual relationships as a single person with people who are in relationships themselves. I think this is primarily because I am now single, and I feel like a third wheel and possible home wrecker. This has been especially evident and true with SOF, because he continues to be more and more enamored with me, no longer being buffered with the knowledge that I will be going home to someone else. This issue, no longer being 'in the club' is something in which I do struggle. I don't want to destroy anybody's relationship. I don't want to hurt anyone. I am a free radical, and I have the potential now to break bonds. I don't want to be responsible for that. I am looking for a relationship myself, and this creates a lot of potential instability. This is also coupled with the fact that I may easily be stagnating with people I know, not allowing myself to meet new people as I expend energy on people who are unavailable rather than getting out there and doing what I need to do.

So the next few steps are going to be interesting. As this thing plays out with GFBM, there are going to be some interesting moments, I'm sure. As he said himself, we don't have to rush things. He's fine with me taking my time to figure this out, and when I'm comfortable, he's happy to jump in the sack. He's just horny, and he finds me attractive. He wants a relationship, but has been explicitly told that I do not. He still wants to sleep with me.

This has got complicated written all over it.

And yet, I still dive in.

1:23 PM

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Saturday, November 3, 2007

Meeting New People

I have now met some intelligent people online who don't seem simply interested in my stats, my penis size, or whether or not I'm a top or a bottom. But what do you know? Low and behold, they all live far away from where I live. Typical.

One guy lives in Massachusetts, another lives in Washington state, and yet another lives in Montana.

Where are all the intelligent guys (who are available and interested in someone like me) in Reno? Apparently they're lost under a rock somewhere because I can't find them in person and they don't seem to be online either.

Of course I know I'm just rushing things. When it's supposed to happen, it will happen. If it's not, it won't. Such is the nature of life. The smell of desperation isn't pretty.

Zippity Do Da.

1:33 PM

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Friday, November 2, 2007

Getting online

Wednesday I went online and per friend's (and even my doctor's!) suggestion, I wrote up a profile on gay.com. I worked on it for a couple of hours and then went to bed.

The next evening, I was poking around the site, figure it out, looking at profiles, and then I went to try out the local Reno chat room. Within 2 minutes of signing on, I was deluged with instant messages, most of them people who were inappropriate and/or way too old. Men in their 60s propositioning me. What the hell is that?

To take the cake, after I had been online for about 10 minutes in the chat, after finding friends and chatting it up with them in order to make myself more comfortable, FM signs in.

My stomach just dropped. I can't even get away from him here. I had no idea it was him until I scrolled over his avatar, and his picture popped up in a thumbnail. At that moment, I wanted to run. To bolt, to sign off and wash my hands of all of this. I was already a fish out of water, and now I was downright uncomfortable. A friend of mine encouraged me to stay when I told him I was signing off, and when he asked, why I wanted to leave so abruptly. So I stayed a little longer.

FM probably obviously knew I was there too, but there was no contact between the two of us.

But I feel dirty, and even a bit of the feeling that my hand has been caught in the cookie jar, even though I haven't done anything wrong. What is that about? Why would I feel that way? Is it because I was simply online in a chat room? Is it because I equate chat rooms with bathhouses? I do, in a way. My first several minutes in that chat really reminded me of a paradigmical bathhouse, and I was not terribly fond or welcoming of that experience. It also lacks any of the subtleties of a real conversation, there is no body language, there are these really long pauses in typed conversation. Everyone seems to be focusing their attention obviously somewhere else. Not really my cup of tea. I have a difficult time directing conversation when I'm nervous enough as it is, it's just exponentially more difficult when I'm stripped of any cues whatsoever and limited to typing. And this is especially true when the people I'm typing with have poor typing skills, verbiage usage, or sentence construction.

Does that make me an elitist prick? Or am I just also requiring that intelligence component that is part of my triad of needs? Am I one of the only ones who chooses to use full sentences in chat rooms? Why am I so annoyed with single word answers or questions? Why am I so annoyed at non-contextual or solicited lascivious inquiry?

Perhaps I should lower or somehow modify my standards in order to survive this excursion.

1:33 PM

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About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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