Pogonip and Playa Dust

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Funnel Lip

Okay, I feel less overwhelmed than I did the other day, but it's still there. I do feel like I'm slipping, but I'm aware of this and I'm doing things to counteract these feelings.

I'm calling people. I'm making plans to go out with friends. I'm using the new tools I've learned over the past few months to reinforce my sense of self and value.

I'm just lonely. I think it simply boils down to that one thing. I feel lonely. No matter what I do or what I try, for now I come back to an empty house. For someone who does appreciate relationships, commitment and sometimes just a simple ear, it can be tough. But I'm surviving. I always have before, and I will continue to do so.

Right now, I'm sitting on the edge of a funnel. I've slipped just inside the lip. If I stand up and start walking, I can easily make my way back out again - just by walking back to the edge. However, if I allow myself to continue slipping, then it's going to be more and more difficult to get up and walk out. At some point if I don't take care of myself, I'll slip into the point of no return, down the spout and that inverse exponential slide will carry me to the place I was in June.

So I need to stand up and walk. And I'm doing what I can to do just that. I'm digging my heels in, getting off of my butt, turning around, and stopping the slide. Yeah, dating has sucked. Yeah, my life right now isn't anywhere near where I planned it would be. Yeah, I still have a lot to do so that I can go where I want to for my hopes, my career, my life. I got it.

I just need to keep getting it. I cannot let go. I cannot give up. I cannot yield to despair.

Because there really is nothing to despair about. My life is fine. Sure, it's not where I want to be, but for me to make it to my goals, I have to keep making choices. I have to keep moving forward. I have to engage in proactive behavior. If I give up, there is no gain.

And I would be weak.

And that I am not.

So it's time to buck up. Do things that I've never done before. Take some risks. Go out on a limb.

Just don't do anything too crazy.

Just walk out of the funnel, don't look back.

5:28 PM

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Monday, October 29, 2007

Stall

I think I'm slipping. I can feel it.

That pain in the back of my head. The dryness of my eyes. The building lethargy.

I'm having a difficult time getting motivated, even for everyday things. From calling family to getting work done. It's been building inside, and it's starting to feel overwhelming again.

10:53 PM

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Coarse Filters

Sigh. I can't seem to get away from FM. He called and left a message yesterday, and I sat on it for several hours, trying to figure out whether or not I should respond.

His message was weird, but I it helped me figure out a couple of things about him. Now that I've had some more time and distance, I can think clearly and actually do some assessment. He is where I was when I was 17. I wanted to be grown up and independent, but at the same time I secretly wanted to be taken care of, in the way a child needs to be taken care of by a parent. I grew out of that by the time I was 19 or 20, but with FM, I don't think he has. He seems to cling to the idea of independence and furiously protect the image that he is, but he simultaneously requires, demands, and searches for others who are willing to take care of him. When they do take care of him, he verbally rejects them but then he comes back for more. Those who are willing to stick it out (without questioning his motives) are rewarded by reticent behavior, although the verbal rejection may become stronger. Those who do not display nurturing/parenting behavior are attacked and directly driven away, perhaps for fear of discovering his insecurities.

And that's the second part that I have come to realize about him, he simply does not have the self-censorship mechanisms that most of the rest of us possess. He says what a lot of people think, even what I think sometimes, but instead of keeping it to himself, he says those thoughts out loud, irrespective of the audience, their feelings, or perhaps even his own intent.

For example, this last message from him started out relatively innocuous. It stated that he's been seriously depressed of late because of various things, having to do partially with me, and partially with the fact that a close friend of his was moving out of town (this friend was a motherly-type woman who bought him necessities if he didn't get them for himself, like shoes, clothes, and food). He then reiterated explicitly that he was mentally under the weather because of the fact that she was moving and that I broke up with him. After that, he went on to say that he didn't want to talk to me earlier in the week because anything that I would have said would have pissed him off because of the mood he was in but he still wants to stay on good terms. He then said that I could call him back, but if I didn't call him that it was fine, but if I didn't it was probably because, in his words, you (referring to me) are in one of those weird moods where you're conflicted and your emotions are pulling here and there.

Wow.

Talk about train of consciousness. I understand that it's okay to think various things, but FM has shown continuous evidence that there just isn't a filter between what he thinks - and what he ends up saying out loud. That coupled with his insecurity and need for others' aid while insisting declarations of independence create quite the mix. Now I get it. I get it a lot better than I understood before. I had this feeling that he wasn't purposely trying to hurt me, but something was wrong, something was off. Now I understand that this is probably what it is. He's not intending to hurt me or anyone else, he just scared and doesn't put up the filters. He doesn't seem to either know how or is incapable of it. If he was, I'm sure that he wouldn't act (or say) what he does because he knows that people walk away from him. He doesn't seem to know why.

But it's too late for me. I don't want to fix him or be in the trenches with him. If I would have known this before, would it have made any difference? Probably. I would have understood better that he wasn't trying to hurt me. However it's too late now. Besides, I know that he's not open to learning this, at least not from me. It's not my job, nor is it my responsibility. It's too bad though, I know that he's a really good person inside. He just needs to grow up. As did I.

I sent him a quick text eight or so hours later. Instead of calling him back, feeding him hope or whatever else, I texted him a very short and quick message: , "I'm sorry to hear that things have been rough. I understand. I hope that everything goes better for you." And I left it at that. It took me about a half hour to write that. I wasn't sure what to say, or if I should say anything at all. Ultimately, I decided that I needed to respond.

He'll get the message, or he won't. I'm not breaking my moral code and I'm not ignoring him (or anyone else), but I'm keeping it cool and maybe even a little bit frosty. I haven't heard back from him, and I'm hoping I don't. I am still obviously very conflicted about him, and I still get that weird fluttery pain in my chest when I think about him.

I'm through with pain though, and my head knows it. My heart is just slower to come to terms.

1:20 PM

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Sunday, October 28, 2007

Let me Borrow That Top

So when did I become a 14 year old girl who loves this kind of shit? After FM introduced me to Kelly's Shoes video, I've been hooked. Here's the new one - with special cameo by Margaret Cho!

11:24 AM

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Saturday, October 27, 2007

Networking

I got my hair cut today, and while talking with my stylist, he mentioned that a guy I had met while getting my hair cut last time was interested in me. He's in his mid-30's, seemed nice, is attractive, and most importantly - has a job (woo hoo, I haven't been able to seem to attract those types of late).

My stylist asked if I was interested, and since I'm currently open, I said sure. So he told me that the next time he saw this guy, he'd pass along my number.

If anything comes of this, then I'll be mildly surprised. This is however, another example of testing the water. As I've said before, I'm mildly uncomfortable with considering dating someone who I don't already know, but hell, I'm not going to move forward by limiting myself to my previously established acquaintances. I have picked up some tools in the past couple of months with this dating thing, I guess I can try using them.

11:27 AM

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Friday, October 26, 2007

Arrgghhhhh!

Today is another lonely day. Damn these Fridays when one doesn't feel well!

1:18 PM

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Thursday, October 25, 2007

Urging Restraint

I choked down a strong urge to call my ex this morning. I was getting ready for work when I looked in the mirror after my shower and this feeling of need to talk to him suddenly hit me. It wasn't quite a visceral need, but it wasn't just a passing thought either. There was an emotional edge in this feeling, but I wasn't paralyzed by it nor was I wracked with indecision. It just bled in - and then dissolved. I know why it came up, I was talking yesterday to my counselor, and separately, a close friend about how long it had been since I had talked to him and some of the reasons why it's been so long. Last night I had dreams (dreams which I have vague memories of, which is a miracle in itself) about him that left an impression this morning.

It's been a year that I've been alone in my house. It's been five months since our relationship dissolved. It's been five months since I've had the opportunity to start a new beginning.

The urge to talk to him came and passed. Of all things, today I also ended up looking extensively at pictures of a trip my ex and I took in the winter of 2004-2005 through the national parks of the West Coast. I was showing a student worker of mine who wants to do a similar trip at the end of this year, and I was showing her what the parks were like during the winter. He is in a lot of these pictures, of course, and for the first time since our break-up I was able to look at pictures with him in them and not experience a painful stabbing feeling in my chest. That's progress!

So I had an urge, I practiced some simple restraint, and then the feeling went away on its own. I didn't feel the overwhelming need to act on this emotional wave. I didn't stare at the phone with itchy fingers, telling myself not to dial. I haven't done any of that since early June - and I think that now I've really hit a point where I'm realizing that I'm letting go. And fulling accepting the fact that I'm letting go.

I'm healing. Slowly.

11:09 AM

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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Dicing Self-Reflection

ANB texted me today, just to ask how I was doing. I replied that I'm suffering from the ill effects of strep, but was hanging in there. He wrote back something jovial, and told me to take it easy.

He really is a nice boy, but I'm just not interested. Is it simply because he's not right for me, or is there a deeper problem? Is there something hidden that I don't want to face? Is it because I'm screwed up and am simply not ready to have a relationship after my ex? Are FM, Prof #1, Prof #2, SOF, and even Bit all part of a larger problem - me finding relationships with others to whom I cannot commit? Now both Profs and SOF were relationships where I purposely kept a respectful distance because of the rules set down when I was with the person who is now my ex. However, once he left, I still continued these relationships, even though I am now single and am (at least on some level) looking for commitment. For people who are interested in me and who are available, I have had little enthusiasm, except for FM. The only other person who I have been truly interested in was Bit, and he is unattainable for lots of extraneous reasons.

So what is going on? Is all this a symptom of my lack of readiness to pursue relationships? Have I just been blindly playing with dice, allowing whatever numbers come up rule my life? Is all of this a consequence of refusing to let go of old tools, including the ability to have multiple physical relationships, when I'm searching for emotional intimacy? Am I numb to emotional intimacy while I'm pursuing peripheral physical intimacy? I don't think so, I was certainly emotionally vulnerable and attached to my ex whilst even pursuing other physical relationships. Still, however, I must consider these things. What is going on? Is all of this really simple, or is it really as complicated as society would have it be, through taboos and assertions of moral values? Am I gambling blindly, or is this all for a purpose?

Coming back, I really don't think ANB is whom I'm looking for. He's nice. He's sweet. He's a great guy. He just doesn't have the j'ne sais quoi that I dream about. Am I refusing a perfectly fine human being? Yes. I am. Does that make me a bad person? No, it doesn't.

While I continue to have a lot of questions about myself, my future, and even my intentions, I have found a few answers. Well, at least some answers for right now. One of those answers include the fact that I am not a bad person to refuse someone for what they want. All my life I have said 'yes' to others, regardless of what I wanted, intended, or hoped. I had said yes, even if it made me uncomfortable or unhappy because I was afraid of hurting their feelings - and even more sinisterly, because I was afraid of ending up rejected and alone. I was willing to prostitute out my own future. I was willing to inter my own dreams. I was willing to forswear my own life.

While I am nowhere near these places now, it was not too long ago that I was balancing along a razor-sharp precipice, if upon either side I fell I would completely give up the man who I should and could be. I must remember now that I am again walking firm ground - it is okay to say no and walk away from someone. The old tools don't work any more, especially the tools that require numbing myself. My feelings are important too. Even if I do not yet understand them completely, I need to give myself the time and the respect to work my fingers through them, to become accustomed to their shapes, their texture, and their presence. I have done a lot of growing in the past few months and I no longer need to blindly reject my own feelings for the safety of others. I hold no allegiance except to myself.

This does not make me selfish, just more self-aware. I still care about others greatly, but I refuse to let my empathy for them distract me from my own needs and goals. I need to ensure that I am doing the right thing, not the most desperate thing. I need to make certain that I am making the best choices, not the most convenient choices. I need to better myself.

And while it is still okay to take chances, I need to understand that it's also okay to walk away from the dice. Although I metaphorically picked them up and threw them to see what came up through meeting ANB (or anybody else, such as FM, Bit, or others), I can pick them up again, throw again, or set them down and get another pair of dice. I'm not beholden to just one set. For that matter, I'm not beholden to the dice either. My life is what I make of it, not what others want of me, even if I ask them in for a short (or long) while.

This isn't random. My choices have had consequences. It's time to stop blindly rolling the dice, and divine my own purpose. I've put my life on hold for a long time, I don't need to do that anymore. ANB is another fork in the road. I could have said yes to him because it hurt him less. I could have ignored my own behavior and then him because it hurt me less. I didn't do either of those things. I made choices, and then reflected on my choices and my behavior. I'm learning from all of this, and I'm learning right from right now. That's a good start.

I have had lots of good starts lately, and a lot of bad ones. I just keep gathering up what I've got, putting the pieces together, and using them to build a better map. I've got lots to go, the map is still very very fuzzy. But it's refining a bit, although I know I'll never finish it in this lifetime. I do like to know the ending of things before I begin, whether it be a book or a fact, but such luxury is rarely afforded in real life. As long as I have some indication of my destination, and even if the indications are my own goals, then I'll make the best of it. It's all I've got, and it's all I can hope for.

All though it's ringing in my ears from the many times I've heard myself say it: One step at a time.

10:48 PM

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Monday, October 22, 2007

Lamer

What's lamer than behaving like a total ass?

Coming down with strep throat and having lymph nodes that feel like they're the size of golf balls.

Swell.

8:21 PM

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Sunday, October 21, 2007

Lame

ANB decided to go out dancing with us last night, and at first, it was kind of awkward. I was being distant and standoffish, which made me feel like crap, but I wasn't sure what to say or what to do. We ended up going to the club separately and while there, we danced - but not with each other.

I finally came to my senses and realized that ignoring all of this was making me a bigger dick, so I had to say something. When he got down off the stage and headed outside for some cool air, I followed him and apologized for my behavior. I told him that I was sorry for being an ass it was in part because I was moving way to fast for my own comfort. I wanted to make sure he understood that I really think that he's a great guy, it was just that I wasn't ready.

He's been incredibly gracious about all of this, and for that I give him much credit. It's just too bad that I'm not able to extend the same courtesy at this point.

It was pretty lame, but I did try my best. I obviously have a lot to work on myself, and this is one of those many learning experiences that I know that must happen. As I try new things out, as I try doing things that I've never done before, I'm surely going to be hitting places of massive disequilibrium now and then. It's just that in the here and now, I'm hitting a lot of those spots. I'd like to go back to some normalcy, but it's going to be awhile. In the mean time, I've got a lot of learning to do.

3:44 PM

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Saturday, October 20, 2007

A nice boy

Last night I went to the Shabbat dinner a my close friend's house again. While there I ran into a attractive young man I had met in August at the bar (also with these friends), who I thought was nice enough. Apparently he thought I was more than nice, but I remembered from the time I had met him in August that he is 22, has just moved to Reno, and was settling in. He had indicated some interest the first time we met, but I gave him a wide berth because we was so young and because he was still figuring himself out, just coming out of the closet.

Last night I again was making sure that there was space between us. He was very nice, striking up conversation and trying to engage me - and I was talking to him, but I was unsure about what he wanted and had an inkling that it was more than just being simply chatty.

A little later my friend came up to me and told me that there was this guy who was really interested in me at the party, but he was uncertain as to whether or not I was interested back. I told my friend that I had reservations (this guy is really young), but if this boy was really interested, then I'd be open to seeing what would happen. My friend asked if I wanted to initiate or if I wanted ANB to initiate. I appreciated my friend's willingness to negotiate this in his affable yenta-mode, but I told him that if I was going to see what was going to happen, then I should be man enough to initiate. I had had a drink at that point, so I was loose enough to be aggressive, but as usual, had not had enough to be sloppy.

So I went and talked to ANB, who was nervous and giddy. I too was nervous, and being so, I decided to drop the crap and ask him if he was interested in me. He affirmed, and so I told him that he is cute (although privately, he's not really my general range although he is certainly nonetheless attractive), and seems nice, but I'd like to sit down and talk with him sometime. He seemed okay with that, and we talked for about an hour or so before being interrupted by various friends.

As I made my way to the restroom I interrupted him talking with another friend of mine. They were conspiratorially talking in the bathroom and I had to shoo them out so that I could do my business. When I closed the door behind me, I heard him say, "I really really like him, but I don't think he likes me." I thought about that for a second, and thought that perhaps I wasn't giving him a fair chance because I find that I'm now a lot more cautious about the concept of dating, especially after FM.

So I went over to my yenta and asked him if I should ask this guy out to coffee or something later that night. My friend was practically beaming, and said that I should do whatever I wanted to do, then gave me a bright toothy smile.

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow and said that I was just asking the guy out for coffee with a deadpan voice.

"Sure," he said. "Whatever you want. It'll make him happy."

So I made my way over to ANB again and asked if he was up for a coffee shop. He said, "Sure, whatever you want to do," and with that, we both began giving our rounds of goodbyes at the party.

A bit later and a lot of hugging and whispers 'good job', 'he really really likes you' and 'that boy is sure giddy about you' later, we made it to my car and headed for the downtown Java Jungle. Parking was atrocious, especially because it was raining and we circled downtown for at least a half an hour looking for reasonable parking. As I was driving, this young man wanted to make it clear that he 'really likes' me and that he wanted to get to know me better. I told him that I was interested in finding out more about him too, and that's why we went out. Red flags starting going up though when he began talking about looking for a long term relationship and that he would do anything to make sure I was that one in his life, irrespective of anyone else.

I finally found a space next to Wingfield Park, and thankfully I had an umbrella in my car so that we could walk to Java Jungle without getting soaked. As we were walking to the coffee shop, ANB stopped me on the bridge over the river and asked me to close my eyes as I held the umbrella over my head. I knew his intentions, as anyone would, and I played along. He kissed me, and it was sweet - but sloppy. I pulled back, and tried kissing him this time, but he stuck his tongue deep into my mouth again.

Hmm.

I stepped back and looked at him. "Why don't we go to your place?" he asked. I told him no, I'd like to talk instead and suggested we keep walking toward the coffee shop. "You sure?" he asked again. I assured him that I would not be taking him home that night. "Why not?" he pouted.

"Because I just met you. And it wouldn't be respectful to take you home on the first night."

"I don't care about that," he said.

"I do."

We resumed walking around the corner to the shop. He put his arm around me. That was also fine. It wasn't too forward, not after that kiss on the bridge, and being obviously gay downtown is always liberating. I was more relaxed now that I thought I firmly established the boundaries, and was willing to be less uptight. Java Jungle is adjacent to a couple of bars, and because it was cold and raining outside, the bars were packed with people. This made it loud, even in the coffee shop, and difficult to make it to the restrooms. ANB needed to take a break for a second, and as he was walking away, I piped up and asked him what he wanted. He didn't hear my question, so I saddled up to the clerk and ordered two herbal teas, in order to negate caffeine.

He found his way back and sat down at the table I had found. "So why don't you want to take me home with you," he asked.

"I thought I made that clear. I want to talk with you first. Get to know who you are."

"We're talking. I really want to get to know you too."

"Well, that's what we're doing."

"No. I really want to get to know you. I want to get to know you more than I've known any other guy."

"What do you exactly mean by that?" I asked. I had a fair inkling at the obvious, but perhaps I was just so sure of what I thought, that I was completely misreading him. Doubtful, but possible.

"I really think that you're hot."

"Thanks. You're very good looking yourself."

"Um, yeah," he said dismissively.

"So," I reached, "What kind of job are you looking for?" He had mentioned earlier in the evening that he was looking for a job, since he is a criminal justice major. He mentioned that he was hoping for something at Starbucks, but I wanted to see if he had any other ideas.

"I don't know. Something that will get me started on my career."

I asked him if he had thought about interning anywhere, and when he said no, I asked him if he was thinking about working for any of the local lawyers or the Reno municipal courts. He said he hadn't thought too deeply about it, mostly because he was interested in other things for the moment. The more I talked with him, the more I realized that he didn't have too much planned out, nor was he thinking very deeply about various concepts or topics in his life or beyond.

Perhaps it was because he was a little tipsy from the party. I had alcohol there too, but I had only one drink, and it was several hours before. This guy had probably two, and because of his youth and his ancestry, two probably hit him hard enough to be horny but not, I thought, impaired.

"I'm really looking for a long term relationship," he was saying when I came back from my internal review, "I'd like you to consider that with me."

"Whoa," I said, gesturing slowing down, "One step at a time!" I really am interested in simple dating, to see what is going to happen. I don't know you well enough to even think about that yet!"

"Well, if you're interested, just let me know," he shrugged.

"You have the button on fast-forward," I told him, "Slow down!"

"Well," he said, "the guy I was dating before just wanted to be friends, so I want to know what your intentions are."

"I don't really have any intentions yet, I just want to get to know you to see what's up."

"I really want to get to know you too. Are you sure you don't want to take me home? I really want to make out with you."

"Wow." I said, bemused.

"Well, you're nice. You're hot. You're sweet and you seem honest. I like that," he said.

"I'm honest because I'm a nerd and I don't know what else to say. I don't really know how to act in situations like this."

"Well, that's good enough."

I tried switching topics again. I asked him about his family, and he shared a bit about his parents and sister, but came back to asking if I'd take him home.

"Look," I said, "I really want to respect you. Taking you home wouldn't be doing that."

"Yeah it would. I would be happy to do anything with you."

I sighed, and realized that it's stopped raining. I asked him if he wanted to get out of there. He agreed and we walked back towards my care. ANB doesn't drive and I was counting on taking him to his place, dropping him off, and then meeting up with him the next day. When we got to the car, I asked him where he lived, and he explained that he lived at the local youth trade school in Stead, and if I took him back there, he'd have a difficult time getting back out of the place for the weekend because of the paperwork he'd have to do.

He looked at me with big pleading eyes and asked me again if I'd take him home with me. I looked at him in the car with me, realized that I was horny, he was horny, and what the hell, if he really wants this now, then sure, I could take him home with me.

I got him to my place and he immediately headed to the bathroom and puked. Great, I thought. Another one of those. After cleaning him up and giving him a toothbrush, I set him up in my bed and I bunked down on the couch. It was still early, only 1 o'clock in the morning and I slept through most of the night. I awoke to him gently calling my name around 5 in the morning. When I woke up, he said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kick you out of your own bed. Come to bed with me."

I dissented for a short time before relenting. The couch really isn't all that comfortable, and I assumed that he had ample enough time to sober up a bit, especially because he got the alcohol out earlier in the night. We got into bed together, and of course one thing led to another. He's nice, but completely inexperienced and a bit awkward. He tried heroically to be a an attentive bottom, and I certainly appreciated that.

Afterwards we napped, both being exhausted from lack of sleep the night before. When we both woke up I talked with him, trying to find out more about him, and see a bit more how he thinks. He continued to be in fast-forward, talking about a relationship and how I'd be the only guy for him. I reminded him about me not being in Reno that much longer and also talked about my previous relationship, from which I have not healed. He said he understood, and then talked about moving to North Carolina when I did, in order to be closer to me (and secondarily, his father). He talked more about his family and his goals, and while everything was noble and sweet, I kept hearing in my head 'he's just a kid', and I couldn't shake it.

I was uneasy, but I didn't want to just kick him out of my house especially because he really is a nice boy. Naive. Sweet. Adorable. Nice. No reason to not like him, but I was rather annoyed with him. I was also uneasy because he was in fast-forward, already talking about exclusivity and long-term relationship goals. This was the first 'date', and while I too tend to get emotionally attached relatively quickly, this was light-speed. I wasn't okay with that, and I was trying to get him to slow down, telling him to literally press the rewind button, to take things one step at a time. He had heard me say it so many times that he started interrupting me when I would say it, saying, "I know 'one step at a time...'".

I know I got the message through, but he was still having trouble getting it. I decided that I didn't want to hang out at my house anymore and that we should head out. I took him to lunch, and tried to talk with him some more, but didn't really get anywhere of substance. He's a great guy, but not for me. He needs to find someone who will provide him the security and stability he's looking for, and I can't do that right now. He needs someone who likes him for who he is, and I don't seem to be on the same wavelength. I needed to think about how to sever this, but wasn't sure how to do it right, other than how I'd already been trying - I offered to take him home again, but he wanted to go to the university and I was amenable. I dropped him off and called my yenta, telling him my plight.

He offered to talk to ANB, and would get back to me later. After a couple of hours, my friend called me back and shared what they had chatted about. He had also told ANB to slow down, because ANB indicated his jump starting to him too. He also gently shared a bit of my personal recent history, mildly discouraging ANB from pursuing me further, which is exactly what I had hoped for. ANB had indicated that he understood, and was also embarrassed about his previous night's drinking, which just reinforced my guilt about being an ass to such a nice kid.

A group of my friends are going out dancing tonight, and ANB decided that he wasn't going to join us. I will need to talk to him, to really make sure that we're on the same page, but it's not going to happen tonight. We'll see how this does progress, and see if I can take this and learn from it. I've never gone out on a date with a guy I didn't really know first, and then had to figure out if we had anything in common or not. This is a first, and finding out later that we really don't have anything in common has been rather disconcerting. I now have a new tactic to learn, specifically how to let down a perfectly nice guy, and do it respectfully and graciously.

One more step on the road to healing. One more step of learning how to be a real adult myself. Might as well put one foot in front of me...

6:49 PM

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Thursday, October 18, 2007

On one's own

My ex moved out of North America one year ago today. I had no idea then what was going to transpire in the next year, and I was certainly not prepared for what did happen.

But I survived the past year, the world didn't stop spinning, and we both moved on. Funny how tomorrow can turn out so very different from today. Funny how even through the definitive differences, there are a myriad more similarities that continue to astound.

The difference of note is that I'm now more confident in myself than I have ever been before. There's a long way to go (and I still have a lot to work out), but what I have now is a start. I'm in a period of new beginnings and new options: choosing to move forward or stagnate. I want to put one foot in front of another and begin to walk with my head held high. I can if I allow myself to be ready to continue this journey. So breathe, and let's go.

5:39 PM

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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Or not....

FM called me at 4:30 in the morning the night before last. I reached for the phone in my sleepy daze and answered before I realized who it was.

"Why do you hate me?" he asked, he was drunk. I've learned that he only gets this sentimental when he's drunk. When sober, he restrains himself.

"I don't hate you," I said. "What is going on? Why are you calling me this early?"

"Why did you say don't hit me?" He sounded desperate and angry.

"Because you've talked about hitting other people, I had no idea if I'd be next."

"I wouldn't hit you. Why dump someone who loves you?"

"Because I think you're unpredictable. I'm afraid of that. I have no idea what you might do."

"What? How dare you you hold that against me for just going out sad over you!" He exclaimed.

I was silent. That's exactly what I meant. I have no idea what the hell he is going to do or say.

"I care for you," he said after several seconds of my silence.

I took a deep breath. I was going to say what I needed to say, "That's what I mean. I have no idea how you will react - to anything. And I feel bad for my honesty when I am honest with you. And that is wrong. We both need kindness, patience and the benefit of doubt - and we seem to not be able to do that for each other."

"I care about you and I want to help you. Does that not mean anything?"

"I want kindness and maturity. I need Mr. Right. I need trust. I need compatibility beyond the bedroom. Can you offer that. Can I for you?"

"Yes. To all of that. Just be with me and I know that I will always love you."

"You spent a lot of energy pushing me away when we were together. I reacted in kind, and pushed back all at once. You need someone who is less emotionally suspicious of you now. I am not that. I need someone who is kind. I need you kind."

"I will be!"

"You seem need me to respect your space. I want a relationship where I'm not afraid of talking at the wrong moment or being pushed back."

"I want you as you are," he said, and I could feel the thick layer of guilt surrounding that statement.

"I do too, which is why I said good-bye to you. You are going to be who you are, and I'm not going to change that."

"I'll do anything you want, I'll be anything you want me to be!" he lamented.

"No you won't, and I don't presume that you should."

"I told you that I'd change for you. Isn't that enough?"

"No. You've said that before, it doesn't happen. Of course it doesn't happen. You are you. I am me. To change for somebody else is impossible, even if you are sincere."

"Are you saying I'm not?"

"No. I'm saying that I'm not going to wait around for it to happen. I need some major things to change if we were to get back together, and those things are too much to ask of you."

"I'll stop drinking."

"We've already talked about this. You're drunk now."

"I need you to help me."

"No you don't. You need you to help you."

"Don't get all counselor on me. I need help. I know my liver will be shot if I don't stop soon. I know you want me to stop."

"I want you to moderate. But you can't seem to do that."

"I'll stop!"

"Whatever. Seriously, I'm not going to stick around and help you. I want you to stop, but I can't stop you. I don't want to be responsible for that."

"So you're saying you don't love me."

"Yeah. I like you, but I don't love you. It takes me a long time to love someone."

"But you might love me later?"

"No, I'm not saying that. We're not dating anymore."

"But you might love me if I change?"

We were spinning in circles. Nothing good was coming out of this and it was 5:00. "Look," I said, "It's 5:00 in the morning and I have a 15 hour workday ahead of me. I have another 15 hour day tomorrow. You don't seem to have any regard for me, my time, or my feelings. It's all about you, right here, and right now. I don't think I can date someone like that. I'm sorry."

"I spent three years waiting to kiss you, and I finally got to do that. And now you're walking away from me, like you walk away from everybody else."

"You don't have enough information to make that assessment, but if that is what you think, then so be it."

"That's what your close friends say."

"Who?"

"I'm not telling you."

"Then it doesn't matter because I can't defend myself against some ghostly accusations."

"So you're saying it's true," He pushed.

"No, I'm saying I don't care what others think if I don't know who they are. I can't think of any close friends who you might know that I pushed away the way you are describing."

"So you're saying that you did push friends away, but I'm not supposed to know them."

"You know the funny thing about context," I said, "is that unless you have it, you really have no idea what is really going on."

"Well, what is it then. Why don't you want to just try?"

"Because I'm sick of trying. It doesn't seem to be helping. These conversations make things worse. Trying makes things worse. I don't like that."

"So you give up."

"This wasn't easy for me. I really, really tried. I really, really wanted this to work - but you pushed and pushed and pushed and I finally fell of the ledge. I don't want to climb back up and onto the precipice again."

"Why do you use big words. You don't have to do that you know, you can just say exactly what you mean."

"I am and I did."

"What is this really about? Why did you leave me?"

"Because you don't seem to understand or appreciate my honesty."

"What? You mean like the time you said you could sleep with other people and not feel like you were cheating?"

"I didn't say it like that. I did say that I don't feel that physical monogamy is right for me, and that I don't have jealousy issues."

"So I'm not good enough for you and you need to be with other guys too."

"No, that's not what I said or meant."

"What really happened with you at Burning Man. That other guy that you were with, what did you do?"

"We slept together."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know, what do you want it to mean?"

"Was there penetration?"

"Yes."

"Great, you can hook up with some random guy but you can't try a relationship with me."

"He wasn't random."

"Did you know him before?"

"It doesn't matter. What does matter is that we think differently on this topic. You said you had sex with your ex-boyfriend when we broke up the first time. That doesn't matter to me, but it seems to matter to you. You were trying to get a rise out of me then, and you're trying to get me on the defensive now."

"I said I slept with him, I didn't say I had sex with him."

"That's not what you said then, but whatever, it doesn't matter. We were not together at that point and I respected the boundaries and I assume you did..."

"Have you had sex with anyone else?" he interrupted.

"After we broke up again, yes," I said matter of factly.

"When?"

"That doesn't matter either."

"Yes it does, you don't seem to care about me. You can just go sleep with anyone even though there is someone out there who cares about you."

"Look, this isn't getting us anywhere."

"All I want to know is, should I call you again?"

Again I met his question with silence. I wanted to say yes, but my head shouted out 'NO!' and for a change, I listened to my head instead of my silly naive heart. Well, listened enough not to say anything stupid.

"I guess from the silence on the other end you mean no."

More silence from me. I was still thinking.

"Look. I don't want to be the crazy guy," he said. I don't want to show up at your house with flowers and candy and be rejected."

"I know what that feels like," I muttered.

"Look, I can wait for you for a week, or a month or two years - but if you're not really going to think about this, then I shouldn't."

"No, you shouldn't," I answered weakly.

"So I'm not going to be a stalker and keep calling you. I want to be your friend, at least - but you aren't going to let me, are you?"

"We can be friends," I answered. "But it's going to take time."

"Can you really?" He asked.

"I don't know. Can you?" I asked back.

"So what is going to be like, are you going to call me in a couple of weeks, or can I just write off hearing from you again?"

"I can do that," I said. "But I have to go. My alarm is going to go off in about 10 minutes and I have to get showered, get dressed, and then go to work."

"Bye then."

"Okay then, good-bye FM. Take care."

And I hung up the phone. It was 5:50 in the morning. What a way to start.

9:14 AM

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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

That is that.

FM called back the day after all that drama the other night. I missed the call legitimately, versus having been because I ignored the phone. The message he left was short and annoyed, stating simply that he was pissed off because I asked him if he was going hit me that night. He then said that he tried (by calling me) and that was that.

I haven't heard from him since. I haven't tried to call him either, and although I feel devastated, I also feel that I've done the right thing.

It's funny how doing the right thing can be so painful.

5:24 PM

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Sunday, October 14, 2007

Late Night Drama

God, what a night. It started out so well, and then quickly went downhill very fast. The problem with Reno is that it's a very small town. You can't go anywhere without running into someone you know, and it's difficult to do anything without someone finding out. (Case and point, the multiple messages regarding the craigslist posting.) Of course, Reno or not, if you're going to a local gay hotspot in any city, you are probably going to run into the guy with whom you just broke up.

And that's what happened.

I was out at Tronix with friends and trying to dance to the terrible music (it got better as it got later) when a gaggle of them rushed up to me. "We just want to let you know that FM just walked in," they said. It wasn't conspiratorial or malicious, but they did want me to know and be prepared. Of course, my stomach immediately went into knots, and I began entertaining thoughts of leaving right there and then. But then I realized that I can't run whenever this happens, because otherwise I'll not be able to go out anywhere in Reno. It's too small a city and there really is no point in being a coward. I have nothing to be a ashamed of, other than the fact that I do have feelings for him and I have to push them down because he isn't right for me on so many levels.

So I continued dancing. He didn't see me for at least 20 minutes, and by the time he did, he was already double fisting his alcohol. A beer in each hand, he went out on the dance floor.

And that's when he saw me.

And ignored me.

Whew. That's fine. I thought seriously about saying hello, because that is the polite thing to do, but he didn't take any steps to do that either and hell, it certainly was awkward. So after looking him in the eye and getting little response (I knew he was already drunk anyway), I turned my back to him and continued dancing with my friends. Apparently, however, he was saddling up closer and closer to me until one of my friends grabbed and twirled me around him. He whispered in my ear that FM was getting closer and was about to orchestrate and accidental bump into me. I looked up, and there he was, exactly where I was just dancing. FM looked at me, then pretended that he wasn't, and shuffled away.

This happened a couple of times, but I was watching and I tried to stay at opposite ends of the dance floor. After about an hour of that, I needed some water and so I left the floor for the bar. I walked off without looking, because I refuse to play that game, and ordered a bottle of water. When I turned around, FM was standing right behind me, and my friends had surrounded the two of us. I looked up at him, looked down, and then offered to shake his hand and say hello to him. He backed up, spread his arms in a 'whoa, back off' gesture, and walked away. I shrugged, said to myself that I tried, and turned around to chat with the bartender and my friends.

Through the corner of my eye, I watched as he watched me. I had no idea what he was planning on doing, or if he was planning anything. I started to worry that he was thinking about punching me when he got the chance. He finally disappeared and I took the chance to take a break from the noise and the smoke. As I was heading out the most direct exit, and friend stopped me and said that FM was just outside that door, and I should go out the other way.

So I walked out the other door with one of my friends to get some air. We walked to my car where I took off my sweater and stripped down to the t-shirt. While walking back to the club, I saw FM standing outside the back entrance. He had the phone to his ear and my phone began to ring. I looked at my friend and said, "It's FM. Dammit, should I pick up or let it ring?"

"Let it ring," he said.

"Yeah, but it's going to just make it more awkward later in the club, so fuck it..." and I picked up the phone.

"Hello FM."

"Where are you?" he asked plaintively.

"I'm outside, across the street from you."

"I want to talk to you."

"Why?" I asked suspiciously.

"Just let me talk to you. Where are you?"

After a more of that, I just walked over to him, he was drunker than I've seen him before. I gave my friend who was with me the 'I'm sorry' look, and then looked up at FM. He was scowling.

"You're going to hit me, aren't you?" I asked.

His scowl dropped, "Why would you think that?"

"Because you've hit other people before."

"Yeah, that's because they grabbed me or told me I was ugly."

"Okay, I was just asking."

"I can't believe you would think that," he said.

"That doesn't matter, what do you want to talk about?"

He looked at my friend, "Do you mind leaving us alone?" My friend looked torn. I nodded and told him it was okay. FM dragged me across the street and my friend went back inside the bar, coming out almost immediately with another friend of mine and they stood across the street waiting and watching.

Across the street FM said in his plaintive voice, "I can't believe you broke up with me."

Okay, I thought. He's not mad enough to hurt me physically, he's just emotionally hurt. I am too. The smart but assholish thing to do is just tell him it's over and walk away. But I don't like being an asshole and I don't want to hurt him more, so I stay and talk with him. In retrospect, this might be probably the most hurtful thing, but I really can't bring myself to ignore him when he's right there in front of me. So I said, "I did break up with you, I had to."

He looked away, and his eyes began to tear up, "I can't believe that you broke up with me."

I didn't want to break up with him, but he spent so much time pushing me away. Partially because of his drinking, lots because of other reasons. Those reasons aren't going to go away. Yeah, I feel terrible about it. Yeah, I'm torn. But it's not working and won't until he does some growing up. I need to do that too. "Look," I said, "We are two very different people at very different times in our lives. I'm not in a place or a time where I can do this with you."

"I'll do anything you want!"

"No you won't," I said and he began to protest, "It's not going to work. I can't ask you to be somebody you're not, and I'm not going to. It's better to walk away from this while we can."

"Stop being [you] for a second and just stop thinking. You think too much. You use big words. You don't need to do that. Just feel."

"That's exactly the problem," I said, "I can't stop being me as much as you can't stop being you. I don't want to be anything else. I do think, it's important to me. I'm not going to stop."

"But you think too much. You over analyze everything to death." He paused, "Look at me, stop looking at the ground." I looked up at him, "Just say that you want to be with me and I want to be with you and let that work."

"I can't do that. You have some major things that I cannot compromise."

"My drinking?" he asked. I raised my eyebrows at him. "I'll stop," he said.

"I don't want you to stop for me. I want you to stop for yourself."

"I can't do it without you."

"Well then, you can't do it. I can't help you with that. You have to want to do it for yourself, not for anyone else. Not for me."

"What do you want me to do then. I'll do anything."

"That's the problem FM, I don't want you to do anything. I just want you to be you. And right now that is independent of me. I'm not going to ask you to change. I'm not going to ask you to not be FM. You have to find your own way."

"You're just throwing me away."

"No I'm not. This is one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. Twice. This isn't easy for me, and I know it's not easy for you."

He reached for me and tousled my hair. "You have great hair."

"And you're drunk. And I don't like you drunk."

"I told you I'd stop drinking. I love you."

"No you don't!" I shrugged exasperated. "How can you even say that? We only dated for two months!"

"I just know I love you, and you love me. You can say it. Come on, say it."

I met him with silence.

"It's okay if you say you don't love me."

"I don't," I said. But my eyes betrayed me as tears ran down my face. I turned away from him and he embraced me from behind.

"Just let go, we can make this work."

"No," I rejected, "we can't!" I pulled away from him and turned around. "This is really really difficult for me to say to you, both then and now, but this isn't working. It won't work."

"You're just not trying. You're just being [you]. Step away from [you] for a second."

"I can't. I won't. Look, this is making everything worse. No matter what I say, it's just going to feel worse. I am who I am. You are who you are. We're so very different and we both have so much growing up to do."

"I need you do to that."

"Why?" I asked. "Why do you need me? How can you love me? Why would you love me?"

"Because you're hot."

"That won't last forever. What's beyond that?"

"You're smart. You use big words that you don't understand. I understand them, but you don't."

"That's what I mean FM, I take pride in my intelligence. I'm not going to let that go. Whether you get it or not, you don't get that what I am is what I am. That one of the things that I'm not going to change."

"I just think it's funny. Why do you have to be like this?" He reached for me again, and I moved backwards away from him. "Don't back away from me. I want to hold you."

I started crying again, "That's exactly the problem right here, right now. There's a part of me that wants you to do that, but I can't let you. I can't do this with you. I just can't. Jesus, I'm moving away from Reno next year!"

He turned away and began to cry, and then I cried harder. He turned back and pressed his head to mine. "You can let that go. I love you. I'll follow you anywhere."

I let him rest there a moment, and then I realized what I was doing. I pulled back. "What are you talking about? That doesn't make any sense! FM. I'm so sorry. I'd ask you to say that when you were sober, but it doesn't make any difference. You aren't going to change. I'm not going to change. Not the way that we both need."

He stood there in the dark, looking at me. His face was partially obscured by the darkness, but there was a back light that illuminated his face around his eyes. It was rather reminiscent of an image from the movies. And made all the worse because I could see the pain in his eyes, even through his drunken emotional pleading. Oh why do I still have feelings for him. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just back away? Because maybe I do have these weird feelings that I'm not willing to admit. And maybe I'm just attracted to the the bad boy, or the fact that he is wrong for me.

Or perhaps I spent so much time wanting something to happen so right that I didn't give him opportunity to really fix it.

But I shouldn't have to do that. I learned this lesson from my last two relationships, either it works at the beginning, or it doesn't. You can't make it work when it's not, especially this early in the game. I'm not willing to be either his parent or his counselor. I'm not willing to stick it out and wait to see if he grows up. Does that make me unreasonable, bitter and jaded - or does it indicate that I'm finally growing up enough to realize what I want and what my own limitations are? I don't know. I do know that I shouldn't cave to insecurity and perceived desire no matter how loud my heart and head at the moment yells that I should.

I may be making the biggest mistake of my life. And I might be making the most intelligent decision of recent. I'll never know. I do know that no matter how bad both he and I feel right now, we'll heal. The wounds will close and we'll move on. Sticking this out... I just don't feel that it's worth it. Not now. I'm trying to repair my co-dependence and minimize my innate needs to take care of other people. And not only does he need to be taken care of, but I feel bad around him. I don't need that, I don't want that.

But then why am I so torn by this? Why does it hurt so much? I have no idea. Even if there is a part of me (or him) trying to tell me that I'm making the wrong decision and I really am missing something, this is the right decision for right now.

I tried staying at the club longer after this. I cried a little bit outside after FM walked back in, but was able to put myself back together for the most part, and the music did get a bit better. I avoided him for the next twenty minutes or so, but then I couldn't do it anymore, and it was time to go home. After leaving, FM tried calling me. Again. And again, and again. 16 times later, with me ignoring it 16 times, he finally stopped. At 3 a.m. Drunk calling. It's just as bad as me drunk texting.

2:45 AM

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Saturday, October 13, 2007

Response

I spent some time thinking about the message on craigslist from yesterday. I also weighed in the opinions of a select few colleagues/friends because, well, I wasn't sure that I had the necessary perspective to figure this out appropriately by myself. Responding to this could be a serious issue, especially if the response is taken wrong or out of context.

The consensus of the people I talked to was respond. If you ignore it, they said, it might get worse. If you do respond, make sure that you have boundaries well established.

So that's what I did. I sent an email to the poster stating:

Several friends pointed me in the direction of this message, but I didn't believe it until I saw it. I applaud you for your boldness, however a couple of details must be considered.

If you are currently a student in class - I need to ignore this message. If you are still interested in making yourself known after grades have been turned in, then that may be quite another thing. I'm open to that.

If you are no longer a student in one of the courses, then reply to this message if you'd like.

So we'll see what happens. Whatever it is, no matter who this is, it is still an ego booster none the less. It's probably better to never know who really sent it, and coast from the boost for awhile. Regardless, I've sent my response and it'll be very interesting to see if anything comes back or not.

3:52 PM

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Friday, October 12, 2007

And consider this...

Four whole days of nothing going on. No drama, no craziness. It's quiet, things are simple and I'm, honestly, a little bored.

But now, I'm less bored. I've gotten four emails today about a posting on craigslist.org. Various friends have spotted a post that was meant specifically for me. Excerpting the request, it states:

I know this a long shot, but the guy who works *****, you have taught me alot about ****, now i think it is time for you to teach me a different lesson. If you are interested, let me know

Wow. I'm not even sure what to say. It's forward. I have to give it that. As for anything else - holy hell! It seems that the guy is at least 10 years younger and perhaps even still a student of mine.

Wow.

10:34 PM

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Sound Sleep

Today is a quiet day, and quiet days are far and few between in this crazy life that I've been living lately. I do have to teach a sexuality class (on top of my normal teaching schedule), but that's only of minor note.

Last night I went out with a close friend and caught up with what has been going on with the two of us for the past month. I shared with him the trials and tribulations of FM, the current status (or relative lack thereof) of my ex, and the recent communications with my ex-husband. He also shared a bit of his private concerns with his relationship, and that brought us to the topic of comfort. We commiserated that much comfort comes just from having a person in bed with you when sleeping. Something happens when we have someone next to us. It's comforting, it's relaxing, and it lends a sense of security.

Perhaps it's just because I'm not comfortable in my own skin, or perhaps it's because of other reasons, but I really do miss, desire, and want somebody next to me when I'm sleeping. Even if there are lots of crazy things going on, even if I'm not really sure what's going on, and even if I'm not really happy with how a relationship is going, I still have the need and desire to have that person sleep next to me. I did that with my ex, I did that with FM. It's really, really odd.

Why do I derive comfort from something so simple if I'm not even comfortable with larger issues or concerns?

I'd have to say that my favorite part of dating FM was holding him while he slept in my arms. I loved watching him sleep. I loved listening to his breathing. I loved knowing that he was relaxed in my lap. All other things aside, that is what I remember the most strongly. The sight, the sound, the smell of his body. Those things at these times are the parts that I remember fondly. I felt most emotionally bonded at these times, and I can't get away from that.

I also did that with my ex. Having him fall asleep in my arms was so very comforting to me, and having him beside me as I slept also comforted me. When I close my eyes, I can still see, feel, hear, and smell him. It's very strange. I don't know why I feel so emotionally connected to these times.

In the next ten days, I will have been alone in my house for a year. I'm still not used to sleeping solo. I don't sleep well by myself, and I haven't since I was in my late teens. Since the break-up with my ex four months ago, my poor sleeping habits and insomnia have only gotten worse. I went from sleeping an average of 5 to 7 hours a night before the breakup to almost days without sleep for a month to now averaging 3-5 hours a night. Even with prescription sleeping aides, I'm still having difficulty falling asleep and find myself waking up several times in the middle of the night.

However, when FM spent the night, I slept soundly. Even when he fell asleep before me and began snoring, I'd fall asleep quickly and sleep through the night. I also slept well when I slept with Bit. Bit is the only person in my life who held me though an entire night, we fell asleep spooning and we woke up spooning. With him, I found myself sleeping even through the thump thump thump of the house music surrounding us at full blast.

So what is it that allows me to sleep when I'm sleeping with someone, but doesn't allow me to sleep by myself even when heavily drugged on medication? I really don't know beyond the general feelings of comfort and safety, but even those reasons aren't really cut and dry because of the other emotional issues wrapped up with these relationships. Apparently I am one of those people who needs to be with someone to sleep soundly. Perhaps this issue will fade into a non-issue as I stay single for an extended period of time. Perhaps I will always manifest a twinge of co-dependency through the desire to be lying next to someone I have feelings for every night.

I may be sexually promiscuous, but I have always been emotionally monogamous. This is one important thing I have to offer, I bond strongly to only one person at a time. Sleeping well draws me back to the person I'm bonded to, and while that's not the only reason why I bond, it is an important element. It is important enough to be recognized, anyway.

I am a dreamer. Unfortunately the only dreams that I remember are the ones that come when I'm awake.

5:12 PM

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Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Single doesn't mean Celibate

It seems that sex generally occurs en masse. I have no idea why these things happen. It just does, not that I'm really complaining. I'd like to spread it out a bit more through the week, no pun intended, but hell, fun is fun, right?

I met up with SOF on Sunday and we spent a late afternoon together. The sex was extremely good, and I was unusually relaxed. That's a very good thing. He's trying to learn new techniques for both foreplay and massage, and I've been known to be a good teacher for some strange reason, and it's paying off - for both of us. That's always nice.

Bit has also been e-mailing in a flurry lately. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. That's nice too.

12:37 PM

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Monday, October 8, 2007

Pointed but Simple

I got a call from my ex-husband today. I'm still not really ready to talk with him after his ill-considered attempt to rekindle our old relationship. When he called, I was at work and exceedingly busy as class was just about to start. When my phone rang in my office I wasn't sitting at my desk to see the number so I just reached over, grabbed the reciever and said "Hello?"

In response, I got a chilly "So you are alive."

I had several students waiting for me at the door, so I told him that I was busy and to hang on if he'd like. By the time I did get back to the phone however, he had hung up.

He had sent me an email last Tuesday asking if he wanted me if I wanted the air conditioner I had lent him back. I hadn't responded because I really don't want to talk to him. He has had the luxury of free use of the unit, so he could hang on to it a bit longer. I'm simply not ready to have a conversation with him because I'm so hurt about several things that happened just after my break-up with my ex, including engaging with me sexually when I had no position to consent while under very heavy medication. While I don't remember specifics about what happened, I do remember enough to realize that I was violated. I'm pretty pissed off at that. Within the next two weeks, he wrote that letter asking me to consider attempting a new relationship again with no regard to my emotional state.

So I don't feel that I owe him any favors right now, including returning his e-mails or calls in a timely manner. He might be annoyed, but so am I. I let him know as much in an e-mail today, even though I strongly considered ignoring the phone call as well. It was short and pointed, although probably a little vague. I don't really care too much, although that's only probably because I am still angry.

I wrote:

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner regarding the air conditioner, but I have been exceedingly busy and honestly, I am not really ready to talk with you yet.

I'm not going to go into an explanation or a retraction. I've been considering letting you keep the conditioner, and if you're forcing a conversation, it'll be easy to let it go. I understand you're annoyed, but hell, so am I.

I'm not sure how long it will be before I let go of the anger or the hurt. The anger was starting to fade a bit until he called today with the demanding and curt tone. For a long time I wasn't even angry about all of this, only exasperated and confused until about a week after the letter. At that point I was beginning to date FM and I had picked up my ex-husband from the airport. FM came along and the two butted heads almost immediately. My ex-husband began behaving jealously, as if we were still in a relationship, and attempted to conversationally out-maneuver FM and be over-familiar physically with me. While FM has his own issues, which I am fully aware of now, my ex-husband had no right to act that way with me or with anybody else that I am seeing. We haven't been in a relationship for over 5 years, there is no excuse for such behavior.

While I realize that he was hoping to rekindle a relationship with me, and those strong feelings manifested as overt jealousy towards any perceived competition, there is still no excuse for his behavior. Neither then, nor before when he took advantage of a very emotionally traumatized and broken individual who was severely medicated on psychotropic and sedative drugs. Both of these things coupled with the ill-considered letter extolling why we should get back together really combines into a mess that I'm not willing to pick through. Asking me back into a long-dead relationship after 6 or 7 months of the previous one ending is just bad timing. Asking 3 weeks after is simply bad form. These three things combined are nearly unforgivable.

These three behaviors and actions are what I'm mad at, and I may stay mad for a long time. He may not get it in his own mind, but I'm not expecting him or asking him to be on the same page. I'm just requiring that he not cross some lines that I've firmly drawn out in the sand. I'm going to stay pointed with respect to him. It is what I require right now. It's what I need to do to stay safe.

10:50 PM

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Sunday, October 7, 2007

Busy Nights

Is it normal to have all your masturbatory energy directed at the person you just broke up with?

9:41 PM

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Settling In to Singularity

Things are beginning to settle just a bit, and I'm trying to retrieve some normalcy from a former life. Well, I'm not trying too hard, but things are beginning to turn towards relatively normal. I'm trying to allow it to happen naturally even though I'm know I'm trying relatively quickly.

For example, Prof #2 called on Friday and asked if I'd like to go to lunch on Saturday. I accepted and asked him to meet me at my place. He was agreeable, which meant that there was an opportunity for a nice encounter should either of us want that to happen. Being that I have been unavailable since dating and then re-dating FM, I had to offer some more explicit signals to the prof to make sure he was on the same wavelength, including inviting him over to my home.

Once he was at my place, things went very well very quickly and we ended up having great sex. The awkwardness of our initial encounters have faded over the past ten months, even with this extended time off because of my breakup with my ex and then exploration of the relationship with FM. Afterwards we went out and got lunch, did a little shopping for near-necessities, and then it was time for me to go because I had a photo-shoot session yesterday afternoon.

A friend of mine is an amateur photographer, and she agreed to direct the photo shoot of me, clothed and unclothed in an artistic setting. She was able to secure one of the studios at the university for the photography with some advance notice about a month ago, so we made plans for yesterday's shoot then. She's a fantastic director, and while I'm no intrinsic model, she made that happen, and I think the preliminary results look great. We spent some time after the three hour session looking through the digital images, and I'm really happy with what I saw. She'll make copies of some of the best ones for me to keep. And the select ones that we are both happy with (and that are particularly striking), she'll work her magic for printing.

Back to FM for a second though, I am definitely in another general sentimental mood about him, but this time I have no imperative need to call him. I think about him often, but I don't want to contact him. I think that's progress. I'm definitely more emotionally ready to move on. Of course, it's only been three days, but still, three days can tell a person a lot about where they are emotionally, and these three days have been all right. I'm pretty proud of myself for that.

If only he could be a fuck buddy... but that is not thinking in a positive or healthy direction, and attempting or engaging that would not go well at all. If wishes were horses, I suppose. I need to settle a bit more into this single thing for a bit more time, and even then, some things may never be meant to happen.

10:38 AM

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Saturday, October 6, 2007

Raucous

I was invited to a party last night, and while most of the invitees were students, I decided to go anyway. The students weren't my own, so there was a bit of safety on that merit at least. It was a rather wild party though, wilder than Hillel parties have ever been in my experience. It started as a shabbat dinner event, the Jewish celebration on Fridays, but quickly evolved into a alcohol-fested fun-for-all. Wow. I think everybody was of age. At least, I hope so.

I wasn't hosting, so not my problem.

I allowed myself one beer, and while that ultimately gave me a pretty strong headache, for about 2 hours or so I had a pretty great time. I still had a good time for the next 4 hours after that with the headache, so this shindig was intense! It might be perhaps that I decided I'd have a good time no matter what, and so that is what ended up happening.

I was overtly social. Unusually social. I'm generally a little bit out there and extroverted at these types of events in order to mingle, but this time I really was drawing other people into the activities, and getting them to stick around, play the games, and talk about everything under the sun. I was the oldest one there (by about 3 months) but that wasn't a very big issue, unless someone asked. I then heard a lot of exclaiming about how I couldn't be a day over 22, 23, or 24 depending on the person with whom I was talking.

That made me smile inside.

I also was heavily hit on by two of the women there. Overtly so. If it weren't for the setting, it would have been uncomfortable because of intensity. However, after a bit of alcohol, a conversation about being gay, and then a raucous game of spin the bottle (where the bottle kept pointing in my direction for some reason), the level of pheromones were high but relatively appropriate for the setting. I could gently remind this or that girl that I am gay, but still sit and talk with both of them (seperately) without either one getting offended or hurt. After spinning the bottle and word got about about the way I kiss though, I had a couple more trying to get close after the game. Swell. One was actually trying to get me to put my hands around her! If one of these girls was a boy though, I would have been all over that; tall, blonde hair, blue eyes - but she had the wrong hips... and chin... and other parts.

I was also being chased after by this guy from East India who is about my age. He identified as straight, but as he drank more, he kept getting closer and closer. We talked for awhile, but when I realized that he was getting a bit too touchy feely after a bit of alcohol in him, I began to turn my attention elsewhere. I was friendly, but conveniently distracted by others at the party. He would run into me in one room or another and proclaim that I could make him gay. I laughed at that, and told him that he wasn't the first person to tell me that statement. I knew better then entertaining his advances though. I wasn't interested in any inebriation at all, and besides, I have no idea what he'd do/think when he did sober up. So I gently told him 'no' as well, but still stayed friendly.

I did find a lovely boy, but he too, alas, was straight - so I just spent some time talking with him about Europe, particularly Amsterdam. We both have been, and enjoyed the city immensely (especially the bikes), so we had something to talk about while I had an excuse to watch his face.

I had no idea I could be so sneaky.

I was also literally pulled into dancing with a group of straight girls and lesbians, both of whom tried to rip off my clothes. They were relatively unsuccessful. I won't mention how unsuccessful however.

What a party! I had no idea Jews had so much fun.

10:35 AM

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Thursday, October 4, 2007

Bat-shit crazy

I broke up with FM tonight. And of course it was completely my fault. I knew it would be. It was a no win-scenario. I lost.

I kept trying to say I was done, and he kept telling me that we should try again, and I was just being intense and emotional. I don't want to try again. I'm done trying. I should have just shut down the conversation, but I made the mistake of trying to explain my behavior.

For that I was described as an emotionally unstable, wrecked person who walked back into the relationship just to hurt him.

And you know what, he's partially right. I am the one who walked back into this. I was crazy for doing that. I knew better, and yet I tried anyway.

I am the ass.

Congratulations. I feel like an bat-shit crazy ass.

11:15 PM

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Accusatory

I just received a call from FM. When I answered, the first thing he asked was, "Are you purposely not trying to call me for the past three days, or what are you doing?"

I told him that I've been very busy this week, which is very true. When he called tonight after 10 p.m., I was literally closing my car doors in the garage after getting home from work. With the film festival and prep this week (as well as my normal class schedule), I haven't had any time to even think about social visits. I do admit that I have been texting him, and initiating texts (including such texts as 'checking in on you, hope you're well' and the like). Apparently that's not good enough for him. Yeah, I have been distant even through that. I admit it. How could I not admit that?

But let's recap the week. I was supremely embarrassed by my own behavior while interacting with him earlier this week. I was prompted to feel more embarrassed by how he made fun of me with his friends. I was expected to feel shamed by my need to understand what was going on in the relationship. I was told that it was my fault if I felt any kind of uncertainty. Then there is the part where he's directly been an ass, instead of just indirectly so. I said as much to him tonight when I reminded him that he's been calling me around 2 in the morning when he knows that I'm trying to get at least 4 to 5 hours of sleep a day.

After that explanation of the being busy and needing sleep, he simply tells me that he has to go, and says good-bye. I stopped him and asked him if the whole intent of the call was for a hit and run, to accuse me of something and then get off the phone. He told me that if I thought his question was accusatory, then that was my 'problem'. I said outright that yeah, it is my problem, and I don't appreciate the insinuation without an attempt at a real conversation. He told me abruptly to have a good night and he hung up the phone. I looked at the time stamp when the call disconnected, and realized that the whole conversation lasted less than 2 and a half minutes.

And I'm worried about being the ass? What the hell is wrong with me? Whatever is going on in his head is way beyond me or my personal concerns, abilities, or boundaries. I've been overtly reminded why I said good-bye the first time. I think that this is the straw. I'm feeling pretty done right now.

10:17 PM

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Late Night Interruptions

Lately, FM has taken to calling me late at night. Really late. Past 2 a.m. I'm not sure what's up, but I generally only get 4-5 hours of sleep a night as it is, and the late night interruptions are becoming rather annoying. After waking up, I have a difficult time getting back to sleep, and after a late night call, I've been giving up yet another hour or so of sleep because of the emotional wrangling associated with him of late.

On Thursday of last week he called around 1:30 a.m. He called near 3 a.m. last night. He's called almost every night this week between those times. I've successfully avoided yelling at him or being unpleasant, other than being startled awake. I've asked him to think about not calling so late, but it seems that unless I ask him directly not to call, he will keep calling me at inappropriate times. I'm generally too dazed to say anything of substance when he calls, and sometimes I only barely remember the fact that there was a conversation by the time I'm fully awake in the middle of the night, and I'm already off the phone by that time. Nothing productive has come out of these late night calls, only frustration on my part - and an enhanced sense of sleepiness, of which I'm not too terribly fond.

I think he's drunk anyway, which makes this all the worse. I can take a step back and shake my head at myself. What the fuck am I doing and why am I sticking around? This behavior of his is attached to a much larger problem, and the elephant in the room is huge. I really need to do some self-reflection. Perhaps I haven't learned that much about myself, and I've been giving myself way too much credit. I really need to re-assess and figure out what I should be really doing.

12:14 PM

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Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Running Away

I continue to run at work. It's week six of the semester, and I'm only in week five. I've officially caught up with everything, but as the semester progresses, the load of work seems to get longer and longer and longer. I'm still putting in the 15 to 16 hour days, even though I'm only officially claiming 8 hour shifts. Students require so much additional help, and being that they aren't prepared well by the professors, I'm still picking up the slack. Of course the students have no idea that I'm putting in the extra time, and for them, an extra hour is an extra hour. For me though, the extra hour adds up for each student, and I end up being in my office more than I'm at home.

So I run, running to keep up with work. Running to keep up with the film festival. Running to keep up the the club that I've officially handed over to another advisor. Every time I try to let something go, it seems to need more time and effort than ever before. I don't quite understand it.

I do understand though that I'm running from actually having to deal with my own life. I realized that as I was talking with my counselor this morning. I'm trying to get away from my job. I'm now moving towards trying to get away from my house. I'm trying to get away from my ex. I'm trying to get away from my ex-husband. I'm trying to get away from FM. I'm running. I have lots of excuses why I'm so busy, and I have lots of good reasons too, but I'm still running.

What are my options? Not that I believe in signs or providence, but things at work are telling me that it's time to go. I've been in the same department for 14 years, I've been teaching for 8 years, and I'm still not respected or protected. I understand that I don't hold a doctorate. I know I'm still looked upon as an undergrad, even though I haven't been for a long time. It shouldn't give license for faculty to treat me like crap, but unfortunately a university can be a very classist environment. Unfortunately, my department is very hierarchical and definitively classist. And I suffer for it. Greatly.

And property values continue to drop in Reno. I need to get out before I get stuck and upside down in my house. With things at work going so badly, especially with all the thankless work that I'm putting in - it's time to go. When the interest rate drops again, I'm putting my house on the market. Hopefully it will sell reasonably well.

When I sell my house, depending on how long it takes, I figure that I will either finish off the semester or leave immediately, depending on where I am in the spring. I'll cash out my vacation, pack the last of my things up, and move to North Carolina with friends who I hold very dear. There I can attempt to gain residency, and then ultimately go to school for my doctorate, something that I've long put off and need to do.

And while all that is fine and dandy, it still is ultimately running. Will I ever be able to fix and face my past, my mistakes, my life? I think I'm doing that now. I'm a very different person than I used to be, but I have so much farther to go. I have so much to learn, but I think I've learned all I can in Reno. I've been here all my adult life, and there is nowhere I can go here that doesn't have ghosts, or something that I've already touched. I need to get out and start anew. It's time to attempt better things, better myself, and move on to a new venue.

Is that really running away? Or is that running towards a new future? Am I wrong for wanting this, or should I be more tentative? I fear that I will long be drawn to FM if I don't get away, and I know not why. I just know I am, and that this attraction and this attempt at a relationship is supremely unhealthy. I need to get out and I really don't know any other way to do so. Yes, I could simply say good-bye, as I promised myself that I could. However, good-bye isn't enough in this case. I need to get far away, or otherwise I could find myself running back.

I'm scared. I'm frightened. I'm nervous about the future. I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm tired.

Maybe I'm just burned out. Perhaps I'm giving in to weakness. Perhaps I don't give myself enough credit. Maybe I give myself too much.

Maybe I think too much.

9:05 PM

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Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Minor Implosion

Oh, and did I mention that the student group that I have been involved with for the past 14 years (of which I advised for the past 7 years) now seems to be imploding. I gave up advisorship this semester and with the elections this past week (and leading up to it for the past 4 weeks) the students have been squabbling and threatening schism. They keep trying to drag me into the drama underhandedly, bypassing their new advisor.

Tonight at 12:30 a.m. I received yet another long and detailed message about problems. And now it's about how they want to dismiss other members. Oh jesus.

I dare not step on the new advisor's toes, I keep referring the messages back to him. I know how to fix this problem, but can't do it without undermining his authority. So I stay back, and forward him all the e-mails I'm getting. And I offer him advice - when he asks for it. It doesn't seem to be helping, at least, not right now.

Did I mention drama seemed to be following me lately? Can't I just bundle up and disappear?

12:44 AM

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Melancholic Memories

I'm having a melancholy night. I should be in bed. It was one of those days at work, where everything goes at 100 miles an hour and you never get a break. I didn't sit down for nine hours - and I'm an instructor. How does that happen? Nothing went wrong, but then again, nothing went right either. I'm also simultaneously trying to manage a film festival, and I feel like I'm the only one doing the work. I know that's not true, but to get anything done I do have to ask (or tell) everyone specifically what should be done in order to get it done, and that gets really old really fast.

And tonight, I had a really uncomfortable conversation with FM, and the entire time, I only wanted to get off the phone.

And as I was filling out my contract for work for the 4th time because of bureaucratic fuck-ups (and three lost contracts somewhere in the black hole of the secretary's desk), I had the TV tuned to Journeyman, in which the opening credits are scenes from San Francisco. My ex lived in San Francisco when I met him. For the first year of our relationship, we both commuted back and forth every week from Reno to SF and vice versa. When we were in SF, at the beginning of the relationship and beyond, we always spent time at the scenic spots. Most of the pictures I have of him (now hidden away from me) are pictures of the both of us at these picturesque places - places featured in the opening credits of this show.

My chest is heaving as I write this, I'm so close to crying.

I haven't felt like this about my ex for two months now.

It takes so long to heal.

And I know I am healing, but there are setbacks. I should have turned off the TV.

It's a good show, but maybe I really shouldn't watch it anymore. I don't know. Perhaps I should watch it just so I can heal. Force the pain. Perhaps doing so will allow me to separate images and memories from him. It's going to be painful either now, later, on TV, or when I have to go back to San Francisco. It'll happen sooner or later, and I can't hold in this pain forever, unless I want it to crust over and scar.

I need to bleed and let it heal.

I have too many memories of him in too many places anyway. I can't stay away from them all, so I should just as well not hide from any of them. From Jon Stewart to the very home office I'm typing this blog in, I can't step away from memories and ghosts. It's a wonder I don't feel melancholy more often.

Perhaps even a miracle.

Too bad I don't believe in miracles. It might be comforting right now if I did.

12:27 AM

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Monday, October 1, 2007

Mass Differential

So FM called back near 7:00 yesterday evening after four hours of being ignored in the middle of a text conversation. He stated that he went to take a nap, and that's why he didn't finish the conversation or answer the phone.

Who takes a nap in the middle of a conversation like that?!

He then asked if I was over the panic attack that I appeared to be having, and I, annoyed but feeling desperate for attention, allowed him to think what he will. He wanted me to come over, and I thought about it for a moment, and decided I would. I might get laid - and although I've had plenty of opportunities to get laid recently, I've blown them all off because I really want to make this relationship with FM work, and I want to be honest and forthright about it.

Perhaps that's a big part of my mistake.

I really don't trust him. He doesn't seem to trust me. I don't understand him. He doesn't seem to understand me. And I have those awful feelings in my stomach again.

I texted him today and asked point blank:

We really don't seem to mesh well. Do we?

He wrote back, asking what the hell that meant.

I responded Mass differential.

And he called me up and asked me if I was a lunatic, because what the hell does mass differential mean. I told him it means that we are really, really different people. And we seem to have a hard time understanding each other. He made fun of me, and he told me he told his friends - and they made fun of me.

Great. I really don't care if his friends make fun of me. Who gives a shit, but I do care about him. I don't care that he told them, but I do care that he intended to tell them to make fun of me. I care about his intent. And it didn't seem very good, nice or anything otherwise pleasant.

I just promised that I would really try in this relationship. So I'm really trying. But when do I give up? When do I stop being a nice guy? Am I being a nice guy by dragging all of this on? Or am I just having panic attacks and denying them, and am I being the one who acts intense and insane?

I have no idea. I think I am pushed to the edge with him, and then I do get all weird, but I think it's because I can't predict how he will act from one moment to the next. First he's all about how he loves me, and then he pushes hard and far away. It's oscillatory. It's unpredictable. It hurts.

What the fuck am I doing?

I didn't get laid either, by the way. Serves me right.

6:13 PM

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About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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