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Sunday, September 30, 2007
More Games
FM called me this morning at 8:30 and said, if you want to see me today, get over to Mira Loma park by 9:00. He woke me up, then without warning told me to go all the way across town, and then told me that if I didn't do as he asked, I wouldn't see him.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Stalker
I have a stalker.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Hold Me
FM called last night, he said he had left his phone at a friend's place, and had finally went back to pick it up. I wasn't in the best mood because of a deluge of issues that are happening at my office right now, so when he called, I said what was exactly on my mind.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I hate games, mostly
I haven't heard from FM since Saturday. I've left a couple of text messages, and a voicemail, but nada has come back.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Mixed Bag
I'm exploring my sociability. I have generally always been a quiet man. In groups of close friends, I have been able to hold my own in conversation and even be quite extroverted, but in large groups of people whom I don't know, I have habitually been the type to stand in a corner and try to stay hidden. I may hold a conversation with one or two people, but as soon as I can, I slip back into the comfort of obscurity and attempt to try to be invisible again. The only place where I habitually act in an extroverted manner is when I'm doing public outreach through volunteerism and public speaking, and when I'm in a classroom. Those two situations are controlled and with purpose however, the meandering aimless wandering of social niceties are a hell of a lot more difficult for me to figure out.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Conundrum
I'm in a bit of a quandary. Tomorrow is FM's birthday, and being that we just started dating again - and being that he ended dating the first time the day before my birthday, I have a bit of a predicament.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Ah, more awkward moments
A couple of weeks ago, I met up with an old friend who wanted to have lunch with me after we had randomly run into each other at one of the local casinos. We had lunch, reconnected, and decided to meet again for another lunch.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Sappy Clichés; Real Feelings
FM spent the night again last night after I picked him up at work at 10 p.m. I am sick, and wasn't much fun, so we watched more episodes of Absolutely Fabulous and I made him a quick dinner.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Sick, but far from tired
I have a bit of a sore throat today, and I'm struggling to make sure that it doesn't get any worse. I have way too much work to do to be waylaid by a silly little cold. I was a little late for work today as it was, and that's already put me behind.
Monday, September 17, 2007
5 Points, enumerated
I spent the night with FM. And yes, he is the same person in terms of overall behavior, of course he is - as am I. However the edge was taken off, and we were happy to see each other. Most of the tension had fallen away, and it was nice to spend time with him.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Stupid is as Stupid does
So after all of this hullabaloo with FM, I took a few days to try to get him out of my system. I hung out with friends, went out with friends, enjoyed myself on the town - and couldn't stop thinking about him. I wouldn't say I was obsessed, but I certainly had him on my brain. I would try to turn my attention elsewhere, and boom! there was FM again. Even with the weird comments when I was establishing clear boundaries, for some reason, his image just clung to my brain.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Cue Goldilocks
I met various people at Burning Man and in Reno these past few weeks who, simply, asked me if I was available and interested in dating. Generally, perhaps I am available and I am interested in dating, but I wasn't interested in the people who were asking.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Crappy Voicemail Sucks
FM called again today. I was pulling the phone out of my pocket and accidentally answered before I knew who it was. No matter. Better to talk in person (over the phone) about not talking and other boundaries than leaving crappy cowardly messages and then hoping that the other person "gets it".
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Transparency
Monday, September 10, 2007
Changes Nothing
FM called last night about 10:30 or so, but I didn't pick up. He left a message, and was surprisingly, um, reasonable.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Just shoot me
I received an e-mail from Bit, in which in stated that he had a wonderful and amazing time at Burning Man, as well as a couple of other 'first things'. He also expressed that he was impressed at the fact that I said exactly what I felt and were we both stood at the time. He then mentioned that he was glowing, had experienced a huge change in his life, and then thanked me for being part of that.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Confrontational, but not as I imagined
I said good-bye to FM. After I left a message and then again tried calling back twice, he called me back. When he called, he said he was at work, so I said I should talk to him some other time. He said he rather talk then, so instead of prolonging all of this and insisting for a more appropriate time, I told him what I've needed to tell him.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Sacrificing Unpredictability
I've begun the process of saying good-bye to FM. I've called his mobile a couple of times, but he hasn't picked up the phone when I've called. If I can help it, then I'm not about to leave an awkward message. If however, I spend a week calling without him picking up the phone, I will have to inevitably leave that 'I'm over this' message over voicemail. In other circumstances, I would most definitely respect a person enough to relay this kind of message in person, but it seems that meeting him in person would not only make all of this even more awkward, but it has the potential to be catastrophic.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Intermission
I made a quick call to Bit today, but he was in traffic on the way home. I indicated that I would love to hear from him if he wanted to call back, effectively putting the ball in his court. If he's interested, he'll call. If he's not, he won't.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Bad Guy
I have to somehow figure out how to say good-bye to FM. I'm avoiding this inevitable conversation because I know that it will go badly, no matter how I try to finagle it. I will be the bad guy. I can't help it. That is what he's looking for.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Out of the Playa Dust comes Bit
I just got back from a most incredible week at Burning man. This year's theme was Green Man, and while Burning Man isn't really a very 'green' and environmentally friendly enterprise, it certainly entertains a large number of people who are generally more supportive of environmental causes than the overall American population. The city this year apparently hosted 47,097 people at its peak, and in the middle of the Black Rock Desert playa, even still the city is fantastically dwarfed by the amount of playa salt dust in the flat plain of the relatively dead lake bed of Lake Lahontan.
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AboutI'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.
This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable.
This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.
This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this
medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look
back - and ultimately assess how I am really living. WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you.
If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now.
By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or
in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions
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