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Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Different Solar Systems
I took a lot of time and effort making sure that I took the high road on this one; making sure I didn't point fingers, make judgements, or be pushy. When I was being admonished outside of FM's place last night, I continued on that path as he blamed me for being unreasonable and selfish for voicing my frustrations with the fact that I felt that I was being pushed away even as I attempted offer assistance with him moving out of his place, as I was asked to do by him in the first place. I asked him if I was able to explain my side of the story, and how I felt, he said no, and walked away from me. All I could say was "Goodbye", and I left it at that. I made no attempt to insist I get myself heard, he wasn't interested in hearing me, and he appeared to be not too interested in my feelings anyway.
Monday, July 30, 2007
No more abuse
It's not fair. I can't meet someone's idea of excellence without some sort of road map. I can't read minds, and even if I had a road map to someone's expectations or could read minds, or his mind, or any mind for that matter, I should not have to change myself or compromise my self-esteem to meet another's expectations.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Decisions Made
I'm trying to figure out what to do with a couple of things that have been bobbing in this restless sea I call my life. My ex-husband (relationship prior to the ex-boyfriend) sent me a seven page letter exalting why we should get back together and give a relationship another chance. I sent him a four page letter explaining why I was not interested in getting back together with him. I succeeded to generally keep the topic about me, versus blaming him as to why I'm very firm about being uninterested in trying to rekindle the former relationship. I was however, very apologetic (in retrospect I probably should have been less so, because my intent was to be assertive, and instead I began minimizing my own feelings and values).
Monday, July 16, 2007
Searching
I am looking for someone who respects me for who I am. The funny thing is, I'm not sure I'm really looking right now anyway.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Laments Sometimes you feel the most alone when you're surrounded by many people.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Different worlds
FM, the guy I'm kinda sorta seeing met some of my friends last night. He was really nervous about meeting them because he had somehow determined that they were 'all going to be pretentious assholes'. This guy is really smart himself, but he likes to pretend that he's not in order to be somehow thought of as simple, or he likes to be overlooked, or he's determined that intelligence is equated to pretentiousness. I'm still not quite sure what it is, but I just know that he's certainly a hell of a lot smarter than he pretends to be, and he's a hell of a lot hotter than he allows himself to think he is.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
The Former Student
I'm so torn.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Entanglement
I spent the past 36 hours on a date that ended Sunday afternoon. I can't believe it.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Not going to bargain anymore
So, after spending all that time last week barganing with my ex-boyfriend to be able to talk to him once a week, that day has come - and passed. I don't want to call him. I'm not going to call him. This past week, I've gone from despair and broken self-esteem to somewhere a step above that. Wherever that step ultimately is, it's a step above being an attached lingering lost boy.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Karma
The former student (FM) I wrote about recently that I'm supposed to meet on Friday wrote me a random text message. It said, "You know you're sexy, right?" It made me smile. I need to smile these days. I wrote him back something silly, saying, "I could say the same for you, and I believe I just did." So, no more guessing if he wants to be just friends.
Addiction
Whatever this is, I still have it pretty bad - but I'm beginning to figure myself out. For the past four days, I've been waking up and reaching to the other side of the bed expecting my boyfriend to be there. I have this urge to curl up against him, and when I reach for him and find empty space I suddenly wake up fully, and tears come to my eyes.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
I Need to be as Human as Everyone Else
The guy I left a message with on the other day called me back today. We ended up talking for about an hour and a half. It was nice to talk in a normal conversation, without bringing up all the painful memories that I've had to deal with when I talk to friends who know what is going on right now.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Getting Back on the Horse
So I got mad, then I got over it. Now I hurt again. When they say day by day, they really mean it.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Not a spigot that can be turned off
I had a weird and sentimental moment when I woke up the other day. I must of been dreaming of my ex-boyfriend because when I woke up, I reached for him expecting him to be there. And of course he wasn't. I laid there in bed after bringing my hands back to my chest. I stared at the ceiling. I again felt very alone.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Panic
I forcing myself to write. I cry so damn hard everytime I do this. I can barely see though the tears. These tears just keep coming. My face is wet most of the time. My eyes burn, they are so dry. I get these brief flashes of light, and then the darkness comes back to consume me. I promised my best friend that I wouldn't hurt myself, and I haven't. But I just can't help from feeling so so sad.
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AboutI'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.
This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable.
This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.
This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this
medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look
back - and ultimately assess how I am really living. WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you.
If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now.
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in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions
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