Pogonip and Playa Dust

Friday, December 21, 2007

The Importance of Having Gay Friends

Last night I went to Tronix with one of my very few gay friends. We went to dinner, then on spur of the moment, we decided to go to a movie and then to the bar. When we arrived, we walked in on the tail end of a Drag Show benefiting the Cancer Society of Reno. The part of the show we caught was unspectacular, and we both weren't feeling particularly festive. He's going through a rocky spot in his relationship, and we had spent much of the night talking about those issues.

At that point, we just wanted to hang out. I enjoy his company, and we often have fun together. As mentioned, I have few gay friends, and even fewer that I haven't had sex with. He is one of the privileged few, and enjoying a night out without the sexual tension is refreshing to say the least.

Neither of us felt like drinking, but I think we both wanted to be in a place where there were just other gay people. Our daily lives, especially for me now that I've given up my advisorship, are bereft of gay men. Sometimes there is this urge, this calling to be with people that one can identify with, even just at a social level where you can see them and know they exist, even if not directly interacting with them.

Perhaps is knowing that we're all lonely together. Perhaps it's nothing of the sort. From my experience in activism and with others going through the coming out process, and just the daily life, well beyond the coming out years - there is often the sense that we don't belong. It's not that we're intrinsically less social or pathological (it's quite often the opposite), it's just that in daily life, gay men are the odd ones out. So many of us try so hard to fit in, making sacrifices to be accepted, even when we know that we should be just who we are. Fuck the establishment.

It's especially tough in times of relationship crisis. Most who aren't gay really don't want to talk about the intricacies of our relationship woes. When we do share out loud, often it's uninvited and a bit awkward at the very least, at the worst our concerns are outright rejected and/or ignored. At best, our friends are interested, but they just don't understand. Not that they don't try - our close friends, but what we go through often lies beyond their experience. If I had straight friends who were rejected because of who they fall in love with (or for just being simply who they are), then that might be a different story.

So, for me, gay friends are important because they have that touch of empathy that my straight friends just don't have. Some for this reason, only have gay friends. They don't understand straight people at all, as heterosexual people often don't understand us. As I've gotten older, I've picked up more and more gay friends - and the sociocultural dynamics are markedly different from the friends that I had in my youth.

We bond well. Familial relationships are stronger. We understand each other. There is a flip side though. Sexual tension can get in the way. Differential acculturation can be frustrating. Bruised egos and the constant need to protect one's self from the outside can create walls that are difficult to see through, let alone scale. We're just like everybody else, except for that we're suspicious of the world we live in. We can be rejected at any moment, and often have been. Many of us don't share - or share too much, because we're frustrated or sick of the boundaries. The hidden curriculum cascades over our lives, drowning out the person within, leaving only the shell behind.

We begin to part from our straight friends, as they seem less and less relevant. We part from them because we understand less of each other as more bricks are put into place to protect ourselves from the outside world. We part from them because they build families as we're told we can't, shouldn't and mustn't. Even as they try to support us, encourage us, tell us the world shouldn't be as it is, they are as impotent as we are. Nothing happens, nothing is done. The world doesn't change fast enough, quickly enough. We are left behind, growing ever older, adapting ever more slowly.

We find ourselves bitter and hating ourselves and the world for being denied basic human instincts. The ability to proclaim our affections and love. The need to be supported by the community and accepted as part of the whole. The need to be cherished for who we are.

And then, we find ourselves where we least want to be.

Separated. Alone.

It's not just our friends, it's our families. It's the neighbors. It's the community. It's the infrastructure. Each person, each entity is a thread that is woven into the fabric of our lives. As these threads are pulled out one by one, or worse yet, not even incorporated in the first place as the fabric is woven, the pattern is muddled. The cloth is weakened, and more threads begin to unravel all the more quickly.

This is the insecurity that I feel. This is the metaphor for what roils in my mind. The funnel lip, the damaged cloth, the quantum shifts. The walls. I reject people who are interested in me because I have low self-esteem. I have low-self esteem because I allow myself to feel rejected. I have unraveled and separated from the world around me.

My gay friends are helping, and they're keeping me sane right now. We understand each other for the most part, and while every individual is unique, we are all going through similar tribulations. We all feel this insecurity. We all feel as though we have to walk the paths alone. We all hope desperately that we're wrong, and our fears are only products of our struggle to transcend the boundaries laid before us. We seek each other out, and find a little happiness in knowing that we are going through this together. We find comfort in knowing that we aren't alone. We do what we can to help each other through this daily ritual.

My friend and I sat at the bar and just talked. We forgot the world around us and enjoyed the simple pleasure of being friends. We talked to the bartender, who is an old friend of mine with whom I went to school. We had a good time. We acted silly. We teased each other. We were good-sports. We were in the company of random other gay men who are going through all of their own things, their own lives. Some consciously, some unconsciously.

We were reminded that we aren't alone.

2:05 AM

****

About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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