Pogonip and Playa Dust

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Tangled Webs

MFE texted me out of the blue tonight. I hadn't talked to him since September when he called randomly and asked what I was wearing with little pretext. I told him that I wasn't going to play that game with him and turned the conversation to more professional avenues.

He was pretty insistent in his texting, and I don't think he was drunk - although this was texting and I didn't hear his voice, he's very proud of being sober for over 15 years now - so him messing that up is pretty unlikely. He did ask some pretty, um, bold questions that left little to the imagination though.

It started at 10:30 p.m, and he actually woke me up by asking,

U awake?

Am now.

I woke u?

No problem

Sorry, I can wait till tomorrow

spill it

I thought that he might be depressed, and so I was open to talking to him. He's gone through some serious bouts of depression like I have lately, but he's been a bit manic about it. This unfortunately, was evidenced by his next response.

Just thinking about ur cock

You've never seen it

I'm sure it's perfect!

You say that to many, I know.

Top me

Just 4 fun

[MFE]-Boy, in another time, in another year, I might have. But you are a dear friend and have been for almost 10 years, so no.

You fucking anybody else?

That's not really something I want to talk about

Well, do me

No.

Why not?

[MFE], why are you asking this? And of all the other people who I know you are into, why are you asking me?

No reason. Sleep on it. Think about it.

Goodnight, [MFE]

Think about it.

After the text conversation ended, I laid my head back against the wall while in my bed and thought about how fucked up that all just was. I seriously considered pounding my head against the wall. That led me inevitably to thoughts about FM and I fell into melancholy as soon as the memory of his face surfaced, even though my brain screams in panic every time I even begin to be sentimental about him. Holy shit, I still haven't let go. When is that going to happen? Do I have to actually meet somebody else before I can think about him without some sort of feeling of longing? Is it even going to stop then?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

There is good news, somewhat unrelated to all of this though, I have let my ex go, although it took six months. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am now so very disengaged from what had happened and how it happened. I still get it, I still think I understand why he did what he did. I just have now come to the conclusion that I don't ever need to speak to him again. I think I've finally weaned myself off of that particular part of my life. While I wouldn't say I built a wall, I did built this nice shiny cast iron fence that I can see through and realize that I never want to scale or cross it.

He created the chasm. I built the fence.

Although it's funny, speaking of letting go, my ex-husband called me on Wednesday. What an awkward conversation that was. I was again at work, so didn't know it was him until I heard his voice, and as soon as I realized who it was, I went tense. He asked how I was doing. I told him fine. He asked me if I was getting along well. I said yes. He said he just wanted to check-in on me. I told him that his concern wasn't necessary. That comment killed the conversation, and after a moment of silence, he said he had to go. I said good-bye.

That only took six years. Wow, I work fast.

What tangled webs we weave. Although that is a crackpot cliche, it's certainly a prominent backdrop in my life. Tangled webs. I'm trying to extricate, but boy is all this shit sticky. I'm picking off the threads one by one, but some are more persistent than others, and some are more difficult due to reasons of my own making. Observer and participant. Isn't that the nature of life?

Did I mention Bit dropped me a lengthy e-mail the day before yesterday bemoaning the fact that he isn't too into his girlfriend and inquiring if I will definitely be at the next Burning Man?

12:04 AM

****

About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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