Pogonip and Playa Dust

Monday, November 5, 2007

Complicating the Mix

There was this guy I met at Burning Man this year (who isn't Bit) who was interested in pursuing something with me. GFBM seemed to be looking for a relationship, but I wasn't interested in that, so he tried to tone it down and stated that he just wanted to sleep with me. I wasn't really interested in that at the time either. I was however, interested in a friendship and I told him as much.

GFBM said he was fine with that, and over the past couple of months, we've hung out at the movies and gone out to dinner a few times. During those times, he made it no secret that he'd still like to sleep with me - and I made it no secret that I was not in a place to even consider it. I told him that I wasn't interested in a relationship with him, but I did like hanging out with him because he's a fun guy and he's so different than I am.

So we kept hanging out, and he continued to tease, and I continued to be coy.

Last night he pushed beyond the regular teasing. So I stopped playing, and said to him in all seriousness, "Do you really want to have this conversation?"

He stopped, looked at me, and said sure.

So I dropped the act, and went into full honesty mode. I mentioned that I was completely frank and honest at burning man, and because he was there for that, I would be continuing in that vein for this particular conversation. He was interested in having sex with me. I am not interested in having a relationship with him. He still wants to fuck. Fine, I'm down with that, but I'm not going to invest any more than sex, and I wanted to be crystal clear. He is a good friend to hang out with because he is so different from me, but I don't don't see it going any farther because of those very differences.

Stepping aside for a moment and looking outside of this conversation, I'm expanding beyond my comfort level and trying new things. One of these new things is trying no strings attached sex with someone I don't yet know really well and am not interested in dating. Now, I don't know if this is a positive exploratory process, or if it's a mistake in the making, but I won't know until I try. Besides, I feel like I should be moving away from my sexual expeditions with coupled friends (i.e. SOF and Prof #2), because of the complications of me being single.

Perhaps it's my own morality, but I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable having sexual relationships as a single person with people who are in relationships themselves. I think this is primarily because I am now single, and I feel like a third wheel and possible home wrecker. This has been especially evident and true with SOF, because he continues to be more and more enamored with me, no longer being buffered with the knowledge that I will be going home to someone else. This issue, no longer being 'in the club' is something in which I do struggle. I don't want to destroy anybody's relationship. I don't want to hurt anyone. I am a free radical, and I have the potential now to break bonds. I don't want to be responsible for that. I am looking for a relationship myself, and this creates a lot of potential instability. This is also coupled with the fact that I may easily be stagnating with people I know, not allowing myself to meet new people as I expend energy on people who are unavailable rather than getting out there and doing what I need to do.

So the next few steps are going to be interesting. As this thing plays out with GFBM, there are going to be some interesting moments, I'm sure. As he said himself, we don't have to rush things. He's fine with me taking my time to figure this out, and when I'm comfortable, he's happy to jump in the sack. He's just horny, and he finds me attractive. He wants a relationship, but has been explicitly told that I do not. He still wants to sleep with me.

This has got complicated written all over it.

And yet, I still dive in.

1:23 PM

****

About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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