Pogonip and Playa Dust

Monday, September 3, 2007

Out of the Playa Dust comes Bit

I just got back from a most incredible week at Burning man. This year's theme was Green Man, and while Burning Man isn't really a very 'green' and environmentally friendly enterprise, it certainly entertains a large number of people who are generally more supportive of environmental causes than the overall American population. The city this year apparently hosted 47,097 people at its peak, and in the middle of the Black Rock Desert playa, even still the city is fantastically dwarfed by the amount of playa salt dust in the flat plain of the relatively dead lake bed of Lake Lahontan.

Burning Man has an enormous population of those who would not consider themselves religious, including myself. And even so, it is filled with spiritual symbolism and general good-will. This is what I find so fascinating about the event, people come to find their own meaning, without trying to convert or judge others along the way as they too try to come to terms with their versions of the meaning and value of life. As one flippant man cried out to a few drunken revelers in a crowd of thousands of respectful watchers as the Temple Mausoleum burned and fell to the ground in ashes, "Stop ruining my personal spiritual experience man!", we all laughed and cried simultaneously as the tension was broken, for most of us came for one experience, a unique awakening. A unique experience. Something of our very own for each of us to cherish and keep, or share, of our own choosing.

I met a young man who I find astonishing. He seems to find me astonishing as well, and I feel that we made a wonderful connection. This time I'm not smitten, as I was with Peter, but I do think I found a life-long friend. More may come out of this, more may not, but I am happy with what has happened. It was unexpected. I wasn't looking for anyone, or looking to 'hook up' with anyone. However, he seems to have just fell from the stars, so to speak, and while I know that there are some pretty serious differences between us, we found ourselves in a great playa experience and relationship for the past several days.

On Tuesday evening, I was playing with a frog croak at a bongo drum circle with my neighbors. After the first set I saw this blond young man standing off to the side behind me, and he was wearing shorts and a sweatshirt with the hood pulled up. It was late, after 11:00 p.m. and it was getting cold, so I gestured that he sit in an empty chair next to me as we all played. I was struggling to keep rhythm because I haven't generally been good at such things, nor in any kind of practice, but I was having fun that night and we played four sets of songs. While playing, I grinned unashamedly at all my neighbors, and the new boy sitting next to me.

Later that night as the camp began to shut down for the night, we started talking, exchanging names, "My playa name is 'Bit'," he pronounced, "Bit, like Byte. I am a computer tech in the default world." We made some small talk, but it was around 3 in the morning, so we all called it a night and headed to our respective homes.

The next morning, I was again sharing camp with the neighbors and Bit stopped by. We started talking and hit it off. After breakfast, we parted company and went off to explore the playa on our own. I walked over to the Mausoleum Temple and wrote a message on the alter telling my ex-boyfriend goodbye. I had never written anything in the alter or on the temple the last two times I had gone to Burning Man because I never felt that I had needed to do so. This time, however, I needed to let this relationship go. I still had this dim gem in my hands, and I needed to set it down. The mausoleum was an effigy to these feelings, and was a symbol to all of the playa community for just such feelings and needs.

Wednesday night after dinner, the neighbors again staged another drum circle. After the sets, people began talking about taking walks around the playa to see the nightlife and Barry and I talked about walking together to see the sights. Bit showed up, and he wanted to know if he could come along. We readily agreed and set off to see what was beyond the city circle on foot. As we ambled from exhibit to exhibit, the three of us talked about life, humanity, the community of the playa and default world, and other random things. I learned that Bit was 25, and from Seattle. We also talked about sexuality, and after Bit had talked about his girlfriend earlier in the day, I called him a straight boy after some random comment. He said, "I wouldn't label me quite like that," he said, "but I do like women." We laughed it off, but I felt a twinge. I thought, however, that I was trying to read something that wasn't so, and so I let it go and forgot about it.

We walked to the Man, dozens of art peices that lit up the dark, and then made the trek across the play to a 360 degree light show of ping pong balls lit up by multicolored LEDs, which flashed in magnificent patterns and colors, mesmerizing all, sober and wasted alike. I had made this journey for the past three nights, and I loved sitting down to just stare at the lights as they flickered and flashed. We watched this display for a good forty minutes until we tired and then we began to walk to Crude Awakenings, the 170 foot tall oil Derrek that was faced by seven sculptures that were 40 foot tall of various men and women praying in the fashion of all seven major religions. We watched the people climb to the top of the Derrek, and look out across the playa to the city which was at least a mile away, as I had done the night before. It was near 3 o'clock in the morning when we turned back toward the city center. We hung out longer watching some Fire Spinners perform with poor musical accompaniment, and being tired, Barry and I parted ways with Bit to go home.

On Thursday morning, bit again stopped by after breakfast and we chatted. We again parted ways, but during the afternoon, after taking a nap in the back of the purple bus I was staying in, Bit was hanging out with my bunk mates at the front. I gave him a big smile and we chatted amiably with my bunk mates for a couple hours, as we waited out the heat. After the sun went down, we hung out together, going to various art projects and talking. We came back for the drum circle at the neighbors' and afterwards we bantered with everybody.

Bit was playing with some light sticks, and trying to copy the fire spinners moves that we had seen the night before. I grabbed a couple of sticks and said what the hell, I'd try the same thing. Barry seemed a bit put out, so Bit went into the street and found a boy to come talk with us. The boy was dressed in a furry purple puppy suit, sans face (but with perky ears) and was all over Barry, probably because he was on an e-trip. It did, however, keep him distracted while Bit and I began to flirt. We slow danced around each other, because I was completely unsure what the hell was going on because of the Straight Boy block that I put on him. Bit was getting more and more friendly though, and I was feeling more and more intrigued. The sign I needed to more forward full throttle though didn't come until I was sitting in a pampasan chair and Bit asked me to scoot over so he could sit next to me. Barry was still being distracted by the boy as Bit and I became more touchy feeling. Hands moving to rest on legs, that sort of thing.

When it was completely obvious that yes, we were into each other - I decided it was time to go, and I whispered to Bit that we should head out. He agreed, and we made our goodbyes to the group. I followed him back to his camp which was only a couple hundred of feet away. We spent the night together, talking and then exploring each other a bit before falling asleep in each other's arms. We talked about his girlfriend, and he confessed that she was at burning man staying at the same camp with him, but they were no longer a couple. They had broken up a few weeks before, he explained, but still came to the event with her because they had already planned to do so. I ensured that he really wasn't with somebody else, but understood the complication. I had some reservations in my head because of the straight label, but I let it go as soon as I realized that he was allowing himself to be a lot more complicated than simple labels allow. Our time together that night was lovely, personal, and extremely satisfying although we did little sexually. Our time was very hot, because I was bonded in rope after a fun experience with rope tying earlier in the day, and Bit had to undo about 50 feet of rope tied around my body. That was certainly a memorable experience. Neither of us even climaxed, we just flowed until we both tired, being a little after sunrise, and then fell asleep.

The next morning we woke up and realized that his girlfriend was already awake and outside of her tent in the camp. He was concerned a bit, because he didn't want her to know that he had spent the night with a guy because, according to him, he hadn't done that before. He also said that he and his girlfriend share the same circle of friends and was concerned about the cross chatter that would happen. Me, being amicable and not thinking that this is going to be a long-term thing, allowed him his privacy. When the time was right, we both snuck out without being seen and made our way to the port-o-potties to relieve ourselves. We then parted ways and I went to go have breakfast at the neighbors' place.

Friday afternoon, I again woke up from a nap to find Bit hanging out in the purple bus. We said howdy and had another conversation with the group. This time we talked mostly shop though, about our respective departments at the university. I was trying to steer the conversation back to more general topics, but my bunk mates kept coming back to technical matters. Bit finally got thoroughly bored, and excused himself after the sixth or so time that I tried to change the subject. I used the opportunity to excuse myself too, and chased after him. After catching up with him at his camp, I apologized for the shop talk, and asked if he was alright since he was laying in his pick-up during the worst part of the heat. He said he was and we parted ways. I went to hang out with some other friends I had just met as he napped.

We met up later that night after dinner and drum circle and hung out in the playa dust for a little while. We again spent the night together, but just spooned this time after talking. I slept pretty well, but had difficulty falling asleep because of the THUMP, THUMP, THUMP of the house and trance music from two nearby camps that went all night without stopping. I spent most of the night listening to him sleep, listening to the pattern of his breath as he moved from dream state to dream state.

Saturday morning we again made a break out of camp without being seen, although he was less worried about being spotted. Things just worked out for us not to be noticed, even though he had started to indicate that he didn't care what this girl thought or whom she might tell. We parted ways again, and told each other that we would meet up for the Burn. Both the Man and the Crude Awakenings exhibit were to burn that night.

We met up and had dinner together, then headed out as a group for the burning of the Man. After arriving at the perimeter, I passed out glow sticks as Bit hung out with my party. When I ran out of goods, I came back to our art car, and plucked Bit off to go find a place to sit down and hang out. We found a spot one row back from the perimeter and sat down. We had a great time, chatting the whole time, talking about the event, what we were seeing, and about ourselves. We put our arms around each other most of the event, and I was keeping my hands on his legs because he was cold and wearing shorts. (It was a good excuse for me.) After the burning of the man, we headed back to the art car and when everyone was assembled, we headed towards the second burn for the night.

My bunk mates ran into friends as we made the two mile trek across the playa in the dark, and they stopped to talk. After awhile, Bit and I were bored, so we decided to hop off and make our own way to the event. We held hands the entire way, just having a grand time. We found a nice spot and sat down on the perimeter. After some shuffling because of broken down art cars and ranger issues, we finally found a stable spot on the perimeter and waited for the event to begin. It took two hours of waiting and Bit was beginning to get antsy and a bit cranky, wanting to get it over and done with because he was cold and hungry. I was too, but less cold, and I teased him a bit about it. We horsed around a bit, and it came up that we hadn't planned sleeping arrangements. He said something oblique, I can't remember what, and I asked him if he was telling me that he wanted me to stay the night with him. He asked me if that's what I wanted him to ask, and I affirmed. He said, "Fine then, I guess you're staying," and grinned at me. "Fine," I echoed and held him., learning from the rangers that there was an assault on the other side of the perimeter which stalled the event.

The event finally started and blew us all away. It was phenomenal. We thought the acetylene bomb at the man was cool. The Crude Awakenings burn was stupendous. After about 20 minutes of burn, Bit wanted to head home for food. I agreed, and it would give us time to change, eat, and settle in. We split up for a half hour or so to get the necessities done, and then met up again at his camp. We talked, and again fell asleep in each other's arms.

The next morning Bit pulled open the fabric cover enclosing the back of his camper shell on his pickup. He had said the night before that he didn't care what his ex thought, he was happy to be hanging out with me - and that he was proud of the fact that he was with a hot guy. Um. Thanks. I was a little taken aback by that statement, but in the context of him explaining his relationship with her, it wasn't terribly surprising. It was a surreal moment, though. She was basically ignoring him, although it was obvious that he was up and awake. At some point however, somebody shouted something random in the camp behind us, and she turned to look... and spotted me in my underwear. She stopped, her eyes widened.... then she turned around and went back to her business.

Okay then.

Bit and I chatted quietly for little while, and we talked about the Mausoleum burn that night. He said that he wanted to go to that solo, because he had some personal things to deal with in terms of effigy. I agreed with him, I had some things to deal with too, and then we parted ways. I had a trek to make to the Mausoleum again anyway for other needs, and Bit had his own needs. After my trek out, I headed back to the neighbor's camp, and met up with one of the women I had instantly bonded with at the neighbor's camp. She was having a personal crisis, so I helped her out by taking her to the medical clinic. After the first one wasn't any help, I took her to the one at center camp which had a REMSA team. They weren't able to help much either, but while there, we ran into Bit, who was waiting in line for some information. We went up to talk to him, but things were a bit odd. And distant. I wasn't sure what was going on, and the conversation was stilted and awkward. She felt it, and backed off to let us chat. Even so, the conversation was still awkward. I told him that I'd be happy to wait with him until he found what he needed, but he said no, and said that he'd catch up with me later. So I bid him goodbye, and walked back to the camp with my other friend.

As we walked, I loaned her my hat because she had forgotten hers in the heat and the sun and I talked with her about Bit. She said that she had noticed the conversation was awkward, therefore she backed off, but was at a loss with me as to figure out what was going on. Since I felt a bit tired and sun struck, and honestly, a bit confused (no pun intended) I went to go take a nap in the bus. I never fully fell asleep, but instead dropped into this fugue state where you are not quite dreaming, but also not quite lucid. I worked myself into a panic attack, and realized that I was having separation anxiety about Bit, knowing that we'd be heading our separate ways to our separate cities in two days. I woke up completely, and my bunk mates realized that something was wrong. One of them pulled out an infrared thermometer, and realized that I was running a huge fever. My surface temp was apparently running at 102 degrees, so my core body temp must have been much higher. They put a cold t-shirt on me and made me drink lots of water.

As I was cooling down, I kept thinking about what was running through my head during the fugue state. I was having separation anxiety. I was afraid of telling Bit what I felt. I was afraid of being too clingy. I was afraid of wanting to pursue this further. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of being rejected. I was afraid that I was letting myself get too attached.

So I thought about it some more and thought to myself, 'You know what? I may never see him again. If he wants something shallow, I won't ever see him again anyway. What's the difference if I tell him what I'm feeling and he says good-bye or if I don't say what I'm feeling and we're both confused and he says good-bye?' So I waited until I cooled off some more, mustered up some courage - and walked to his camp. He was cat-napping in the heat and opened his eyes as I walked up. I kneeled down next to him and asked him if he had a moment to talk. He nodded, so I said, "Look, I know that this is awkward. But I have something to say." And I told him what was on my mind.

I told him about the thoughts running around in my head, and he listened. I told him that I was okay with this 'thing' as it is. I told him that I was having separation anxiety. I told him that I was fine if he wanted this to be a playa relationship, with no outside consequences or I was happy if this became something more where I could get to know him better - but I had to know what he thought directly versus assume what I think he might think. As I said that this may only be a playa relationship, his face fell. He interrupted me just after I made the last statement to ask me if that's what I wanted, a playa relationship. I told him no. I want to get to know him better. He exhaled, looked relieved, and said, "That's what I want too. Thank you for letting me know that. I really appreciate the fact that you came to talk to me."

And then he kissed me.

My heart skipped several beats.... and I said, "Okay, I'm really happy about this, but I'm not going to make this more awkward. I'm going to head out now, but I'll see you tonight." He smiled and said certainly after the mausoleum burns.

I met up with him after a very emotionally wrought burn where I cried like a baby as I let go of my ex-boyfriend (especially difficult because Monday was supposed to be our 5 year anniversary), Peter, and some of my own self-hatred and insecurities. I also thought of Bit, and felt better... and uncertain - and I didn't care because I didn't feel bad. No longer did I feel anxious. What is going to be is going to be. I be who I am and not try to be anything else. Here was a guy who is handsome and (mostly) straight and lives two states away and likes me for who I am. If I can find him, I can find whomever anywhere. I am exactly as I am, and all I ever need to be as long as I'm willing to be humble and grow.

After that catharsis, I headed back to the bus on my own and spent 45 minutes or so reflecting some more by myself. Once I felt centered, I headed towards Bit's camp. He was sleeping under the camper and I woke him up gently. He asked me how the burn went, and I told him that it was emotional and fantastic. I asked him if he had gone, and he said no, because he had run into rebar on the way and bruised his knee. I asked him if he was alright, and he said that he was now, but it hurt like hell for a while. I asked if he was hungry, and he said no, he had already eaten, but that I should feed myself. I agreed, and told him that I'd be back after getting some dinner. He nodded, and as I turned to go, he grabbed my hand and said, "Bring some lube," and he winked at me.

I smiled broadly and said, "Sure!" I went back to camp and was making myself some dinner, when my bunkmates showed up. I talked with them a short while I ate and told them that I again wasn't going to stay the night there, which merited me some needling and teasing. After getting prepared, I grabbed some earplugs this time, some condoms, lube, and headed back to Bit's place.

Once there, he ascertained whether I had the lube - and finding that I did, told me to get undressed. I was wearing a flight suit, and it came off in one peice. Bit was very pleased, and tackeled me. After passionate kissing and some foreplay, Bit pulled out a condom and put in on me. He told me to go slow, because this was the first time that he was with a man, and he wasn't sure what it was supposed to be like. I told him that there was much more to good sex than that, and said that fucking would have to wait. He kissed me again and told me to show him.

So I did. It was fantastic. We talked as we went, saying what we liked and encouraging each other to do more of the things that we really liked. He seemed to love everything I showed him, and tried to copy almost all of it with me. We moved like fluid, and flowed so smoothly. I felt so close to him as I held and kissed him. After the foreplay needed to loosen him up, I then began to fuck him (still wearing the condom that he put on me an hour before,) slowly - lovingly, to make sure that I didn't hurt him. As he relaxed I picked up pace, and talked to him about what we should try. He gave fantastic feedback, telling me what he liked and didn't so that we could do this right, and do it well.

After a good half hour to 45 minutes of that, I knew that it was time for me to stop, or I'd hurt him. So I pulled out and flipped over, so that he could switch places. I put a condom on him and guided him to me telling him to be slow as well at first. He did, and I reveled.

He fucked me until I came in huge amounts, surprising us both, and he came in the condom while in me almost immediately afterwards. We wiped up first (playa dust sucks) and collapsed on each other. As we breathed heavily into each other's bodies, we continued to embrace, kiss, and stroke each other's hair.

Afterwards we talked, and he asked me about what it was like to be gay. I told him my persective, and where I am on that continuum. He asked me about the Kinsey scale and after I explained it, decided that he must be a 2 or 2 and a half, because he 'likes women way too damned much'. I smiled and said that was fine, people are all over the scale, and one was just as valid as the other. I held him tight as we talked more, and about 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning we finally fell asleep.

The next day was Monday, the day we all had to leave. We woke up just after 8 a.m., and after being called a blanket hog (because for the first time, I slept really deeply), he laughed at me as we laced up our shoes for the port-a-potty run. I had a fantastic time, and a fantastic week with him. We said our good-byes several times for the next three hours until my caravan finally fully packed up and made it out at 10 a.m.

I have had one of the best times in my life. I have also had experienced the most fantastic courtship of my life, even though I know that we will probably only be friend for the rest of our lives. I would hope for more, but know to expect less. If I'm surprised, fine. If this turns out to be only an experience for the playa, then I'm still happy that I had the experience. I regret nothing. I feel confident. I expect nothing.

I didn't come to the playa looking for someone to meet. This just happened, and it happened organically. I will see where it goes from here. I feel serenity.

5:40 PM

****

About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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