Pogonip and Playa Dust

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

love, evaporated

Walked past the guy whom I used to love tonight. I say used to, because although my feelings are not gone, they are now realistic and without the longing that I had which was so very unhealthy. I loved a selfish, self-absorbed prick. And he continues to be so. I said hello, and he ignored me. He was talking to some guy on the street whom I'm assuming he was picking up. I say this because I walked past him twice within 10 minutes. The first time was to go to the store to pick up bread olives and cheese at Ferrari's as I often do after work. The second time was heading back home.

He talking to this 20 something on the street, and while the former love was dressed in his suit and backpack as if he was leaving work, the guy on the street was in tattered clothes. Probably a street urchin. It wouldn't be the first time he picked one up, and he's said that to me before. I guess I am better off, I'm much less likely to catch something from him since he's generally a bare backer. He was talking to the guy in the same place for that 10 minutes, and the snippet of conversation that I got was about what he did for a living so they probably had just met.

It still hurts though. But a lot less than it used to. God, I feel cheap for loving him. I hope he gets what he wants. Thankfully, my dignity and my self-respect aren't among those things. I get to keep them.

8:42 PM

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Saturday, August 29, 2009

Closing doors

The man I used to call my soul mate bantered around meeting up with me tonight through e-mail, after over a week of cancelling previous meetings. Tonight he emailed me after some afternoon thing he did, asking if I was milling about or if I had other plans.

It shows me what I know about love and relationships. I know nothing. I fear that I deserve this lot I have laid out before me. I have made many of the choices that have led to this point, including the choices of walking back into the fire where I knew I would be devalued and hung up on marrionette strings. Finally I'm getting it. Finally, I'm listening to people who tell me that what happened was unhealthy and unstable and that I need to stay out and far away.

I had this advice in my mind tonight. Coupled with feelings of rejection and feelings of him only wanting to play with my heart in cruel manipulative ways, I decided I needed to stop the momentum. I responded back to him tonight that I planned on milling about. I told him that I hoped that he had fun at his afternoon function, and wished him a good night.

I'm sure he'll take that as what it was meant. I'm saying I'm done. I'd like to say it in person, and I probably should have moved forward with meeting up with him so I could, but I'm just so tired of being treated like an afterthought. I don't deserve to be ancillary to anybodies life, and I don't want to be constantly in a state of confusion with him. I don't love him any more the way I should. I just feel hurt and used, and the love I have for him is only a memory of what was. All there is left is the memory of what I wanted and what I hoped. It has transformed from being about us, to about him, and now it's about me. I am no longer thinking of him and his needs anymore. I no longer feel compassionate or patient. I'm just tired and hurt, and all I think about is how interacting with him hurts me. It has become selfish, and I don't need to walk into something that has transformed so monstrously, neither for him or for me.

I don't respect him very much anymore, but I do respect him enough to do the right thing for both of us. He has me blocked from general communication, and I need to virtually block him from my sphere. Whereas I will not literally block his telephone number or e-mail, I realize that I need to take an extended break that will last an indeterminate period of time. I'm sure from my latest response, he will already have turned off and moved on. He seems to do that so easily with others, I'm sure I'm no different to him. Whereas this has broken my heart, and I'm still not sure what my next move will be other than simply moving back into survival mode, I have little doubt that he'll bounce back and for all intents and purposes, forget I ever existed.

I must come to realize that he doesn't love me. He is not my soul mate. He plays with my emotions. I let him. I need to transition that to past tense now.

Closing doors has never been easy for me. I'm always the last one to do it, and this example is not so far from that pattern. He closed the doors on me months ago, and I forcibly reopened them to find that I didn't like what I found inside. I felt dirty and cheap, and I felt ashamed. So now I'm just letting the inertia run its course. The door will close again, fast or slow. With a whisper or a slam. I don't know, but I do know that I don't need my stomach to hurt anymore. I don't need to feel blamed for all of the wrongs in our relationship. And I don't need to wait for somebody to make up his mind about me. I am not a waif who needs to prostrate at the feet of another. I am not worthless. I feel worthless around him, and he revels in it.

I'm done feeling that. I'm closing my e-mail for the night. I don't need to check it again for awhile.

7:52 PM

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Friday, August 28, 2009

Reacting

As time continues to wax, I continue to feel like I'm growing more and more distant from soul mate. This past weekend, we had scheduled to meet up again, but he's rescheduled several times and our recent emails have left me feeling frustrated and defensive. A week after our previously scheduled rendezvous, he's still rescheduling.

He had emailed me asking if I could find him a deal with the rental car agency I just started working for, for a vacation that he's going to be going on soon. I emailed him back, letting him know that I can't make deals for him, I'm only allowed to utilize my discount for a registered domestic partner or spouse. So he emailed back (because I'm still not allowed to call him, and he's still blocked me from his phone) and wrote:

"How cheap of them! Don't they give you guys any discretion at all about giving people better rates or free upgrades or ANYTHING?! Heck, when I used to rent the woman could give me a discount just because I worked for the government. You can't work anything for me at all?"

I immediately felt defensive, because I hear this from customers who want more than they deserve and/or more than I can give them for various problems and/or want. I also starting feeling a bit used, because we don't have a relationship anymore where he can freely ask for favors. Hell, I can't even communicate with him through any format other than his choosing, for either time, venue or format, so to ask me to do personal favors for him seems, well, very selfish. This is especially true since I've been working at the place for less than a month, as he's well aware, and he understands the political ramifications of such requests. He's no dummy. So I wrote him back, writing honestly but curtly:

"You sound a bit like the customers who tell me that I don't know what I'm doing. Sadly my discretion is limited to the computer determinations. All discounts are taken on line, or through a manager. Sorry."

An hour later he responded,

"BOO! Well, I'll figure out something else...perhaps I'll visit friends in Paris/Provence instead of something State-side...should be a good time of the year for wine and strolls in the outdoors and no car necessary! Hmmmm....now I'm having ideas...hmmmm.... Let me know if you want to do breakfast tomorrow. I have something around 10:15 but could meet up downtown before that for a bite."

Which I know he knows hurt me deeply. He knows I really want to go back to France. He also knows that it's really a sore point with me from before we ended our relationship that I valued and am feeling a great loss with my employment because of the loss of vacations. He also knows that I had told him that I couldn't meet him on Saturday morning because work. This was also after the initial e-mail from him was about meeting up tonight (Friday) because our schedules otherwise didn't line up. So he basically cut the opportunity to meet up because he didn't get what he wanted from me, and he stuck a proverbial knife in my side while he was doing it. He could have kept his ruminations about his changing mind about vacation locations to himself, especially because of the sore point that it is. But he didn't.

By 5:30 I hadn't heard anything else from him about meeting up with him for the evening as he originally suggested, so I emailed him back a response. I tried to keep it upbeat because I may have over-reacted in my own head, and I wanted to lighten it back up just in case I was over the line somewhere.

"Haven't heard from you," I wrote, "so I'm heading home for the evening tonight. Hope that you have a great night!

Enjoy yourself where ever you go for vacation. I'm sure you'll have fun. Take care. Hugs."

It's 7:30 now and still nothing, so I guess there will be no meet up. As much as I'm disappointed, I'm also feeling dirty. I feel as if I were going to be used, but I stood up for myself which has led to rejection. It tells me a lot about him, and I know that my feelings of rejection are really for the best. I continue to need to distance myself from him. My friends tell me that I need to cut off contact with him all together. I'm sure his friends say the same, if he's honest with them about being in contact with me. Regardless of all of that, I'm feeling more hurt than ever. I realize all the more that I was just a tool for him, and now I'm feeling that just more deeply.

Perhaps I'm over-reacting, perhaps I'm not. Whatever it is though that I'm feeling, it hurts. I'm feeling empty. My jaw is clenched again. My interactions with him still give me anxiety, and the push-pull that continues is untenable. Again my rational and emotional sides are in agreement, yet still at war about how to react. I can not be his pawn, to use at his will. His concept of 'getting back to me" about his feelings for me are also unacceptable. I need to say no. I need to let go.

This is helping.

6:56 PM

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Sunday, August 23, 2009

conflicted and distant

I'm feeling conflicted about so many things. I thought I found someone who loved me for me, but realized that it wasn't the case. I thought I loved him back, but realized that without trust, there is no love.

I don't trust him, and I'm starting to seriously doubt my conceptualization of soul mates. Yes we have a lot in common, and yes we have some very deep values that are shared. However, beyond that, there is no trust.

I'm starting to realize that he is incredibly self-centered. He only thinks of himself and believes all external stimulus is about and a function of himself. He has no concern for other's feelings other than how they may judge him, and punishes and rejects anyone whom he feels does not agree with his values and beliefs. I'm currently being punished, and there is no empathy to my feelings.

As an example, for something simple, but meaningful to me, and which he knew, I talked to him about my birthday, the night that I threw myself at him. He stated simply that he thought of me on that day, but said nothing else. He had no concern about my feelings or how hurt I was, it didn't even seem as if he cared about how much I may have missed him on that day. How much I thought I needed to hear from him. Something. But I got nothing. Sure, I understand that he may be overwhelmed with his own things, but it appears that such is the case for him without relief. He will always be caught up in his own life without regard to the me anymore.

Another example is the episode where he turned around and walked away from me. I asked about that and he stated that he just didn't see me. When I disagreed (because I remember the look of panicked decision-making in his eyes about what he should do before he walked away), he scolded me for forcing the issue and changed the subject. Then the day before yesterday, he saw me just fine in the MUNI underground before I saw him, and he walked right up to me and kissed me before I even had a chance to look up.

Talk about boundary issues and mixed signals. Ugh. I'm so over being conflicted. My emotional self is frustrated, angry, lonely and feels a profound sense of loss. My rational self tells me that I am over-reacting emotionally, and while he is not good for me, I just need to calm down and step away. It tells me that I should tip my hat to him, and bid him adieu. I'm stuck in a quasi-land though. I want to be friends, but I no longer feel that I can accept a relationship with him because even though I love him immensely, what we are in is not a relationship. It is a formal arrangement of his boundaries and his control. I live in his world, and he's just pulling my strings. I've allowed myself to be a puppet, subject to his whims. I must cut them. I will cut them. I'm done dancing.

I've already said it hurts to much. It still does. I'm tired of hurting. I don't deserve to hurt like this. And whether he knows it or not, he's causing my pain. I'm letting him do that right now, but I don't have to. I can say no. I'm going to make it stop. I don't need to dance anymore. Love isn't hurting. Love isn't a punishment. And he's reveling in continuing to punish me for wrongs both real and imagined.

That's fine. I just need to accept that. I need to understand that he is what he is. I need to let go. He punishes others as much as he needs to punish himself. He punishes himself so markedly. He's now doing it to me.

I don't need to take it.

I don't deserve it. No matter what he thinks. I don't even have to try to read his mind to know his intent. He's already made it very clear.

8:22 PM

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

rational/emotional see-saw

Tonight soulmate and I went out to a movie. I really had been trying not to go to a movie because I really can't afford the entertainment, but in order to see him, it was really the only option. The only other option that he was willing to go for was another one he had suggested, and that was coming to my place to watch a film.

I don't really want him at my place. This is my sanctuary. It is the one of the few places in the city that doesn't remind me of him. And right now I need that. I need to be safe, to feel safe, and to feel independent.

We went to the movie, and I met him at the Muni exit on the Powell Street Station in front of the Ross store. I was running some last minute errands, so I arrived after he did. He immediately said hello and kissed me. I pulled back, because firstly I wasn't expecting it, and secondly, I'm not sure that is what I wanted. I did kiss him, but briefly and it was obvious I was uncomfortable.

There is a part of me who needs to let go, and there is a part of me that wants to just feel safe in his arms again. But I don't feel safe. I feel anxious. I was very honest about my feelings with him the entire time, for I am done with games and innuendo. I don't want to play guessing games anymore. I told him that I wasn't sure how to feel, what to say, what to do, or what to think. I wasn't sure how to act. I wanted to hold him and I wanted to protect myself. I was in my own head, and I felt a bit selfish for it.

However, I feel as if everything thus far just to spend the time with him has been on his turf. I had initiated, asking if we could go for a walk. He said that he didn't want to do that, because he didn't feel comfortable talking. So I offered something that didn't require money, but he thought the movie was best. When I continued to defer, he offered my place, but then it was my turn to say no (and I did it by deflecting). So we went to to the movie.

We went dutch, and it was to a movie he had already seen. I felt bad about that, but grateful that he allowed my choice. He touched me a lot while we where getting ready to sit down, putting his arm on my back and otherwise giving small gestures of affection. That confused me. When we sat down, I pulled down the arm rest between us, and he looked at me and told me that it wasn't necessary unless I wanted it. Then he gave me a look, which said that he would be hurt if I kept it down.

I leaned on the outside of the seat, rather than toward him and talked to him, engaging in random small talk as the pre-commercials showed before the previews. As we continued to wait for the movie to start, he asked why I was sitting on the other side of the chair, and I told him that I was uncomfortable. He asked me why, and I said that I'm still not sure what to act or do, and I then I had an emotional rush overcome my better judgement, and I asked him for a hug. He said that I could always get a hug, and hugged me very tightly. As he was hugging me, I realized that asking for the hug was not the best judgement because of my confusion, and I teared up quietly as I pulled away. I smiled and said thanks, and then quickly starting talking about something inane.

During the movie, he kept trying to hold my hand. I finally let him, and he put our hands on his leg. That lasted for a little while, and I retrieved my hand. And he grabbed my hand again. And I retrieved my hand after several minutes again. During the third time he grabbed my hand, he pulled me toward him and indicated that I should lean on him. I did and immediately teared up again. So I pretended I had to stretch, and pulled back to my own side. After a few minutes, he put his arm around me and pulled me to him again. This time I leaned into him and teared up again, and I sobbed silently has he held me tighter. He put both arms around me and held on tightly for at least a half an hour.

This only has me more confused, because I don't know what I want now. I love him, but I don't trust him. I really don't. I am anxious when I think of him. I am anxious when I'm near him. I don't feel good about myself, only shame and fear. It only gets stronger with him, and I think I'm even beginning to feel moments of jealousy as he talked about looking at hot Asians who resembled one of the actors in the film. That is most certainly not the me who I know or with whom I'm comfortable. I don't know that person.

After the film, he stated that he'd walk me home. It wasn't a question, just a statement. I smiled, and talked about something else while I mulled over just how I was going to say no. As we were descending down the escalators, I told him that I would be happy to say goodbye on Castro, but then we'd go our own separate ways to home. He asked me why, and I said that I wasn't comfortable having him go to my place just yet. When we were again at a phone conversation level, when he had me no longer blocked from calling him, then he could walk me home. He said I knew where he lived and that it wasn't fair. I said that thus far, much of the past three months have been on his terms, and that this is one of mine. He asked me if it was a big secret where I lived, and I looked at him, and said matter of factly that yes, it was.

By that time we had made it to the muni entrance on the street and he looked at me and told me that he was going to take a taxi home. I, surprised, asked why. He said that it's difficult to get a taxi on Castro, he's lazy and doesn't want to walk up the hill, and that it'd be weird to go that far together just to separate there. I think he was counting on my acquiescing and letting him walk me to my place. I didn't however, and said that I was hoping to talk with him more, but I understood and I said goodbye. He looked surprised and said, "Okay, Bye". I smiled wanly, and said that I hoped to see him again. He said that it was all depended on me, and I nodded, said bye, and turned around and started walking down the stairs. I heard him say good bye sadly and so I turned around and he was waving with a forced smile on his face. I waved back and turned around and continued walking.

By the time I got home, I had a short email from him that said that it was good to see me again, hoped that I enjoyed the movie, and that he hoped I was able to relax a bit. And that was it.

I don't plan on answering it right away. I'm too confused, sad, and tired to deal with it right now. I don't want to play any games. I don't want to play at all. My heart hurts, and I know it's going to have to hurt. It's going to have to hurt really bad for a long time. For better or worse, I have to regain my self-esteem with respect to him if I'm ever going to move forward with him, either in friendship or more. And I can't do more until he respects me as much as I need to respect myself.

9:59 PM

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Monday, August 17, 2009

Ripping my own heart

I'm starting to feel a bit distant from soulmate. He continues to ensure that all attempts at contact are on his terms and his terms alone. Any attempt at negotiations stalls communication and apparently makes it all the more difficult to see him. I'm starting to be convinced that perhaps one day we can be friends, but right now, I'm not even sure about that. I still have big dreams, I still dream of growing old with him in my life, but the dreams of him next to me are fading.

Life will always be on his terms. He's not interested in my life or my direction. He's only interested in me so much as how I fit into his world. I get it. I understand that, I used to be like that myself. However much I may understand it, I can't abide by it right now. We're not equals in his eyes. I'm just a commodity, an annoyance, a triviality.

He wants me to sit aside as he determines if he wants me to be in his life, and he wants me to jump through hoops as punishment for what I've done, and to test if I am pliable. I wanted to do that, but I fear that if I begin, it will never end. The test will never be over, and I will never be good enough because I disappointed him so much the first time. And I too was disappointed, hurt and betrayed... and I have to determine whether or not I can trust him again myself. I'm beginning to realize that at this time I may not be ready. I may have forced a conversation, but I may not be ready to pursue what it was I wanted.

Perhaps I should have left well enough alone. However, I do have to say that I am happy for the closure and the time, three hours that it may only have been, but they were an important three hours. I was able to tell him that I loved him. I was able to cry and hold him. He kissed me, and I felt the warmth of him again. And that may have been all I needed, to compensate for the fight that we had ended everything on before.

I'm considering, but have not made up my mind yet. I may want to just say that I too am at a point where I realize that I don't know what I want. Just as he said that he may not want me and he is not ready for me to be in his life, I may not be ready to have him as well. I don't need to feel constantly guilty, to walk on eggshells, and to permanently have my tail tucked between my legs. That is not respectful of myself, and ultimately, it is not respectful of any relationship. I am not property, I am not weak, and I am not willing to sacrifice my self-esteem in a way I had just prior to the end of our relationship. I have to have my confidence, and I already feel it slipping away. This is not good, but how much of this is me and my interpretation, and how much of it is intentional on his part, I haven't any clue. All I know is what I feel, and all I feel is all the more confused.

Whatever I do, I have to have the conversation in person, and I have to feel out the way it will flow. I can't make up my mind before meeting with him another time, and I can't meet with him on terms that are solely his own. We must compromise, come to a consensus, or otherwise agree. Really and truly agree. I can not just accept and give up. I did that already with him, and I will not do it again. I will not repeat the behavior that brought me to the brink of suicide. I will be proud of myself, but not be prideful. The difference is certainly something that I have to yet understand. I will, but it will take time, and let's face it. I have lots of time to figure this out. There is no rush for anything.

8:11 PM

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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Stalking tactics and the feelings thereafter

The day has come, and I forced a conversation with soulmate by waiting in front of his house until he came home.

And we talked on the street for three hours.

I have hope. He says he loves me and I believe him. He says he needs time and it hurts. He says he needs me to make the next several moves to know if I'm the right one to be in his life.

I just have this feeling that he didn't seem terribly interested in me, even as he said he loved me.

I've thrown myself at him. I even said so out loud. And he was mostly silent, talking mostly in assent as I blamed myself for all that has happened between us.

I'm more confused than ever. Do I really want this? Can I really live with this guilt? Does he really think that it's so one sided?

I really felt a dirth of compassion from him. I felt dirty.

9:55 PM

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About

I'm a gay man from Reno, Nevada who now lives in the Bay Area (hopefully soon to be San Francisco). I've been blogging for a couple of years but had taken a break from writing to clear my head. I've been in two relationships lasting over the past ten years, and I'm still trying to find my own way. I'm continuously on the path towards figuring out who I really am, what I want from life, and where I'm going. It has been a tough road, but the light is getting brighter.

This blog is a work in progress. For me, the work is to continuously find the productive parts of my life and my behavior, incorporate positive changes permanently into my life, and slough off the stuff that isn't so great. I've left a career path and the city I've lived in my entire adult life for love, and now am struggling to find work and a place to settle (a victim of the economy, as so many others are). Even so, I found that I'm generally quite capable on my own, but I am still human and fallable. This blog is about gaining my confidence and owning my own life. It's about a small town gay man learning about himself in an urban city. It's about me.

This little corner is my personal space. Here I can chronicle my behavior, share my thoughts, and engage in my own conversation. Through this medium, I can share what it is that I'm thinking as life unfolds before me. I do this so that I can look back - and ultimately assess how I am really living.

WARNING: This collection of random thoughts can be explicit! Please be warned. Do not read the contents of this blog if it will offend you. If reading this blog causes you to break local laws, please leave now. By following any links or opening any page of the blog you declare under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to material intended for mature, responsible individuals capable of making decisions about the content that they wish to read. Any further material you read will be the result of explicit action upon your part.

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love, evaporated
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